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  #1  
Old 04-28-2005, 05:33 AM
Nocturne Nocturne is offline
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Twisted nursery rhymes.

I'm calling on all creative and screwed-up Dopers to help me out with a little game. It's basically a game where you take any old nursery rhyme and make it...a little creepier, or just wrong somehow.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And it was a brown recluse
And now Miss Muffett's missing an arm.

Obviously you're not limited to keeping the rhyme scheme and meter.

So twist away!
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  #2  
Old 04-28-2005, 10:28 AM
Skywatcher Skywatcher is offline
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Just look up Andrew Dice Clay's entire act.
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  #3  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:58 AM
Jenaroph Jenaroph is offline
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There was a song my mother somewhat regretted teaching us as kids - an old camp song I believe:

Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window, the window, the second story window,
Everywhere that Mary went she threw it out the window.


It works with a surprising number of nursery rhymes.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
and a merry old soul was he,
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl
and he threw 'em out the window, the window
...etc.

Little Miss Muffet... you get the idea.
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  #4  
Old 04-28-2005, 12:08 PM
Flutterby Flutterby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenaroph
There was a song my mother somewhat regretted teaching us as kids - an old camp song I believe:

Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window, the window, the second story window,
Everywhere that Mary went she threw it out the window.
Yep, it's called The Second Story Window and you split the group up into two groups and sing it back and forth at each other trying to not duplicate any nursery rhymes. It ends when a group can't think of a new rhyme or the leaders get sick of the song. Whichever happens first. I learned the last line as 'If you don't know what it's about, we'll throw you out the window'

A couple of twisted ones I've heard go:

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
I wish I may I wish I might..
Aww shucks. It's a satellite!

and

Hickory Dickory Doc
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the other two escaped with minor injuries.
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  #5  
Old 04-28-2005, 12:20 PM
Skywatcher Skywatcher is offline
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Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
(underwater)
Ha, ha, I fooled you,
I'm a submarine!
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  #6  
Old 04-28-2005, 12:22 PM
Scumpup Scumpup is offline
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Sing a song of piss pants
Eye sockets full of lye
Four and twenty asstards
All of whom will die
Baby skulls are broken
Your ass is in a sling
Deagle and a Bowie Knife will get me lotsa bling
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  #7  
Old 04-28-2005, 12:23 PM
Eve Eve is offline
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Two oldies but goodies

Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her,
And said, "I haven't had decent curds and whey since Lutece closed!"

Mary had a little lamb,
The butcher killed it dead.
She brings the lamb to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
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  #8  
Old 04-28-2005, 12:58 PM
Don Draper Don Draper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenaroph
There was a song my mother somewhat regretted teaching us as kids - an old camp song I believe:

Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went
She threw it out the window, the window, the second story window,
Everywhere that Mary went she threw it out the window.
What we sang at camp -

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,
Her mother was surprised!
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  #9  
Old 04-28-2005, 01:02 PM
Eve Eve is offline
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Another oldie . . .

Mary had a little lamb,
She took it on the El.
And by the time they reached the Bronx,
The lamb was black as—
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  #10  
Old 04-28-2005, 01:46 PM
N. Sane N. Sane is offline
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Mary had a little lamb,
a little beef, a little ham.
Then she had some salad and peas,
some mashed potatoes sprinkled with cheese.
She drank some milk and lemonade,
then ate some bread and marmalade.
Mary had some pies and cake
And now Mary has a stomach-ache
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  #11  
Old 04-28-2005, 03:07 PM
KRC KRC is offline
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Mary had a little sheep
And with that sheep she went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
Now Mary has a little lamb
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  #12  
Old 04-28-2005, 03:26 PM
Eureka Eureka is offline
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Not that it matters much but the second line of the "window" song referenced above as song by me in my youth was "think of a rhyme and sing it in time and Throw it out the window"

It was also only one of three different nursery rhyme songs I sung one summer at day camp.
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  #13  
Old 04-28-2005, 03:38 PM
Imbrium Imbrium is offline
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Mary had a little bear
to which she was so kind
that everywhere that Mary went
you saw her bear behind
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  #14  
Old 04-28-2005, 05:53 PM
Peter Morris Peter Morris is offline
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Mary had a little lamb She thought him very silly
She threw him up into the air And caught him by the
Willy was a sheepdog Lying on the grass
Down came a bumblebee And stung him on the
Ask no questions Tell no lies
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flies are annoying, wasps are worse
That is the end of my silly little verse
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  #15  
Old 04-28-2005, 06:01 PM
Peter Morris Peter Morris is offline
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Rose's are red
Violet's are blue
Susan's are orange
What colour are yours?
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  #16  
Old 04-28-2005, 07:31 PM
Larry Mudd Larry Mudd is offline
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Peter Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
He blacked her eye and made her wail,
Now we keep the schmuck in jail.
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  #17  
Old 04-28-2005, 07:34 PM
Baker Baker is offline
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Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her little girl a dress.
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
And so was the girl, I guess.
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  #18  
Old 04-28-2005, 07:53 PM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Art Vandelay, Architect
What we sang at camp -

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,
Her mother was surprised!
But Old MacDonald had a farm
HIS mother nearly died!
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  #19  
Old 04-28-2005, 09:57 PM
Nimue Nimue is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter Morris
Mary had a little lamb She thought him very silly
She threw him up into the air And caught him by the
Willy was a sheepdog Lying on the grass
Down came a bumblebee And stung him on the
Ask no questions Tell no lies
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flies are annoying, wasps are worse
That is the end of my silly little verse
I learned one along the same lines:

Miss Lucy had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Miss Lucy went to heaven
The steamboat went to
Hello operator
Please give me number nine
If you disconnect me
I'll chop off your
Behind the 'frigerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss Lucy sat upon it
And broke her little
Ask me no more questions
Please tell me no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their
Flies are in the meadow
The bees are in the park
Miss Lucy and her boyfriend
Are kissing in the dark
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  #20  
Old 04-28-2005, 10:53 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Old King Cole
Was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he!
He called for his pipe
And he called for his bowl
And got high as a bird in a tree!

Hickory dickory doc
A cow ran up the clock
The clock collapsed

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill came down with a tousled gown
And Jack with peals of laughter!

Hark, hark, the dogs do bark,
The beggars are coming to town!
The smell of one would make you yark
But for pennies he'll go down!

Ride a horse-cock
In Branbury Cross
Until the fine lady
Is gasping in shock

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
Had wife but couldn't keep her
He took a whore to a cheap motel
And that beliked him very well!

See-saw, Marjorie Daw,
Dobbin shall have a new master
Who'll chain him and punish the least little flaw
By flogging him faster and faster!

There was a jolly pusher
Worked by the Tappan Zee
His wares were always quite the bomb,
The kids would all agree!
And this the burden of his song
Forever used to be:
"Come one, come all, and kick the gong!
"The first hit's always free!"
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  #21  
Old 04-28-2005, 10:59 PM
gum gum is offline
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jill forgot to take the pill
and Jack became a father
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  #22  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:10 PM
The King of Soup The King of Soup is offline
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I wish I knew whom to credit for this, as it's not mine:

Mary had a little lamb,
A lobster, and some prunes,
A glass of milk, a pecan pie
and twenty macaroons

It made the naughty waiters grin
to see her order so, and
When they carried Mary out
Her face was white as snow.
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  #23  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:17 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Hi-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon
If you dig it now, just drop one more tab
And you'll be floating like a balloon!

Humpty Dumpty got in a brawl
Got his shell broken, he barely could crawl
All the king's horses and the king's men
Took turns with Humpty again and again!

Bobby Shaftoe went to sea
Captain's cabin boy was he
Brought the captain so much glee
Pretty Bobby Shaftoe!

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Come into the barn, little girl, and you'll see
Just what little boys are made of!

Rub-a-dub-dub
Three men in a tub
And they all had plenty to share!
The gymnast, the skater, the room decorator --
They went all around the celestial equator
'Twas enough to make Jesse Helms stare!
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  #24  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:31 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Higglety, pigglety, my black hen
She lays down with gentlemen
Gentlemen pay me every day
Down with my black hen to lay
Sometimes nine, and sometimes ten
Higglety, pigglety, my black hen
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  #25  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:32 PM
Hilarity N. Suze Hilarity N. Suze is online now
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Georgie Porgey puddin' and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
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  #26  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:37 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Do you know McGuffin Man?
McGuffin Man, McGuffin Man?
Do you know McGuffin Man,
Who lives on Drury Lane?
He's chasing down a Maltese bird
A magic ring, a phoenix turd,
And every plot device that soothes
A lazy writer's brain
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  #27  
Old 04-28-2005, 11:53 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Baa, baa, black sheep
Bet you're quite a trull!
Yes sir, yes sir,
That's no bull!
Once with my master,
Twice with my dame,
And a freebie for the little boy
Who lives down the lane!
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  #28  
Old 04-29-2005, 12:38 AM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Here's an old one from Mad magazine:

There was a crooked man
And he had a crooked laugh
And he ran a crooked office
And he hired a crooked staff
He served a crooked term
And he did a crooked job
And rammed a lot of crooked bills through
For a crooked local mob
Why back the crooked man
When his crooked ways you see?
Because the rival candidate
Is crookeder than he!
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  #29  
Old 04-29-2005, 12:50 AM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Fiddle de dee, fiddle de dee
The fly has married the bumblebee
The race-mixing shits
Soon hung from a tree
We keep our bloodlines pure as can be!
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  #30  
Old 04-29-2005, 01:04 AM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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I do not love thee, Dr. Fell
The charts mixed up, now I'm a belle
And on the street my ass I sell
I do not love thee, Dr. Fell
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  #31  
Old 04-29-2005, 07:39 AM
Askia Askia is offline
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Posts: 7,155
Snoop Doggy Dogg performs 'This Ol' Man"

This ol' man, he played one
He played knick-knack on my thumb
Wit' a knick-knack, paddywhack
Give a Dogg a .. BONE.
This ol' man came rollin' home. (uh-huh, uh-huh)

This ol' man, he played two
He played knick-knack wit' my shoe
Wit' a knick-knack, booty-whack
Loop and a... PASS.
This ol' man betta watch his ass. (hell, yeah!)

This ol' man, he played three
... lost his mind and he tried to play ME
So took my backhand, made sure I clipped him
Took out my nine then I pistol-whipped him.
Flipped him over, stomped his throat
Cryin and bleedin... it was all he wrote
Knack-knick wit' an ass kick booty whack paddy
Tell me ol' man... who's your daddy?

This old man, his day is finished
Ran him outta Dodge with his clout diminished
Wit a knick-knack, fatty-whack,
Punks screamin' "Truce!
Snoop Dogg got the juice.
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  #32  
Old 04-29-2005, 12:58 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Little King Pippin, he built a great hall
Pie-crust and pastry-crust, that was the wall
The birds and the cockroaches turned his hall brown
And his mad, inbred dynasty came tumbling down!

One moisty, misty morning,
When cloudy was the weather,
I chanced to meet an old man
Clothed all in leather
He offered me some candy,
Rubbed his balls against my chin,
Saying, "Take it all, bitch!"
And "Take it all, bitch!"
And "Take it all, bitch" again!
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  #33  
Old 04-29-2005, 03:11 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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If I had a donkey
That wouldn't go
Do you think I'd beat him?
Oh, no, no!
I'd place a call
To a man I know,
And to dogfood and glue
My donkey would go
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  #34  
Old 04-29-2005, 05:46 PM
ouryL ouryL is offline
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Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockleshells,
And pretty maids all in a row.

"This breaking news.
Police have been summon to the home of a woman named Mary, last name unknown, where gardeners hired by her have found what purports to be several human skeletons buried in neatly in a row.
The gardners had been told to avoid the areas that had been marked off with bells and seashells, but had inadvertently dug there when the shells & bells had been covered up by newly laid compose.
Police suspect that the remains are of several missing young Gooseland women, who were previously thought to be victims of the Huff-n-Puff/Three Little Pigs killer. "
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  #35  
Old 04-30-2005, 06:57 AM
Askia Askia is offline
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Sir Mix A Lot could totally sing this.
Roughly to the tune of "My Hooptie."

There was a crooked man
Who led a crooked life
He made crooked love
To another crook's wife
Nailed her little crooked ass
Against the crooked wall
And the crooked carpet floor
And the crooked long hall
Did nasty crooked business
On the crooked hall stair
Her crooked little toes
Curled in the crooked air
Now crooked rumors flew
To the first crook's ear
The crooked man knew
Time to crooked disappear
He crookedly schemed
For a wad of crooked loot
He bought a crooked gun
And a crooked-zoot suit
Drove a crooked-out car
Going crooked "bye-bye!"
Cuz the other crooked man
Paid a crooked drive-by
So a crooked hit-crew
Caught the crooked man's trail
His few crooked options
Were crooked as hell
They had crooked-ass guns
In their crooked crook laps
And crooked AKs
Won in crooked games of craps
He said, Crook this
And crooked by the road
Laid crooked dynamite
To crookedly explode
He was crooked and nervous
Running out of crooked time
He give crooked service
Crooked life on the line
Soon the crooked hit crew
Came into crooked sight
Crooked trigger went "Boom!
Goes the crooked dynamite.

The crooked man escaped
Singing this crooked song:
"Crooked bitches ain't worth
All this crooked ass to bone!
All this crooked ass to bone!
Al this ass to bone!
Crook crook crook crooked
All this crooked ass to bone!"
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  #36  
Old 05-02-2005, 10:02 AM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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Diddle diddle dumpling, last night's John
Came to bed with his trousers on
Trousers off, and condom on
Diddle diddle humping last night's John
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  #37  
Old 05-02-2005, 12:46 PM
Mister Rik Mister Rik is offline
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This was from MAD Magazine - I can't remember if it was Violent Mother Goose or Physical Fitness Mother Goose, cuz it contains a bit of both:

Little Jack Horner
While rounding a corner
Is met by a mugger who states
"Hand over your cash,
Or your head I will smash!"
Which is not the most pleasant of fates

Little Jack Horner
Takes off from the corner
In hopes of outracing disaster
But though he's in shape
He won't make his excape
'Cause the mugger's a runner ... but faster
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  #38  
Old 05-02-2005, 03:50 PM
danceswithcats danceswithcats is offline
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Posts: 10,300
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F**k him, He's only an egg."

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
to have little fun.
Jill, that dill, forgot her pill
and now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Mary Mary, quite contrary,
how does your garden grow?
With silverbells and cockleshells
and one f**king petunia.

There once was a girl with a strawberry curl
right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good, she was very, very good
and when she was bad she made $500 a night.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
....but she didn't wear that one very often
__________________
Crows. Keeping our highways clear of roadkill for over 80 years
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  #39  
Old 05-02-2005, 06:38 PM
Peter Morris Peter Morris is offline
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Mary had a little lamb
It used to jump so high
It jumped into a butcher's shop
and now it's in a pie.
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  #40  
Old 10-24-2013, 10:13 PM
HighAsFuqe HighAsFuqe is offline
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(To the tune of london bridge is falling down)

Slit their throats and drink their blood,
Drink their blood,
Drink their blood,
Slit their throats and drink their blood,
My dear lady.
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  #41  
Old 10-25-2013, 04:16 PM
Drunky Smurf Drunky Smurf is offline
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Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
and crawled up inside her
making Miss Muffet giggle all day
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