How does "friends with benefits" work?

[Polerius]

I'm curious as to how the whole "friends with benefits" works

1) Do you hang out as friends and also have sex occasionally?
If yes, how is that different than dating?

2) Is there kissing, or is that considered too "personal" for non-dating people to do?

3) How does one start being a "friend with benefits"?
Do you say to each other "Look, I want to fuck you several times a week but I don't want to date you"?

4) Is this a new phenomenon, or has it been with us for decades?

[sniperfang]

You're mostly right. The whole 'Friends with benefits' aka 'Fuckbuddies' is pretty much everything you've described, or at least it's meant to be. Clinically speaking, it's basically a non-exclusive arrangement (I wouldn't call it a relationship in the accepted sense of the word) between two consenting and horny people who aren't a dating couple per se, but can be frequently found in flagrante delicto.

Before the sniperfangess found me, I used to have a couple of friends with benefits. We'd occasionally hang out with friends, and more often than not these little rendezvous would end up hot and sweaty. It's different from dating because the arrangements were non-exclsuive, we weren't a couple - in fact it was pretty clandestine.

How does one find a friend with benefits?
Simple - mix several shots of tequila with a friend, 2 heaped cups of randiness, 1 dance floor, and 1 apartment. Stir, serve chilled.

[Mangetout]

In the real world, I think it's often the case (in fact it's quite likely to be) that one party wants more commitment than the other, but feels forced to compromise. This could lead to abusive situations - it needn't, but it can.

[twickster]

Yes, there's kissing, since, generally, neither party is a prostitute. Sheesh.

Usually a friends with benefits thing is an acknowlegement that there's not future to the couple as a couple, and one or both parties is/are more or less actively looking for "the real thing" elsewhere, but, in the meantime, what the hell.

It's very, very hard to sustain in the long term, but it can be done.

[UrbanChic]

Originally Posted by Polerius

I'm curious as to how the whole "friends with benefits" works

1) Do you hang out as friends and also have sex occasionally?

Yep.

2) Is there kissing?

Yep.

3) How does one start being a "friend with benefits"?

Somewhere along the lines of talking and getting to know a person, you both agree you're compatible sexually, really really want to hit that, but you're both mature enough to know you wouldn't work out as a couple.

4) Is this a new phenomenon, or has it been with us for decades?

There's nothing new under the sun.

[QuickSilver]

What UrbanChic said.

Plus, it doesn't hurt if you're both in the same place mentally in that you're not looking for that great big romance but are largely content with the personal part of your life as it is at the moment.

People need and want love, affection and intimacy on various levels. FwB provide all of these with a relatively low demand on one's life outside this kind of arrangement.

It's also a tremendous advantage if your FwB and you are incredibly physically attracted to one another and can really make the sparks fly.

But there ought always be a mutual tennet of respect and honesty with one another. Feelings can be hurt if a new person enters a scene and upsets the balance. Both people must keep in mind and be prepared for the real possibility of that.

Oh... and HELL YEAH there's Kissing!!!!

[Polerius]

Originally Posted by QuickSilver

What UrbanChic said.

Plus, it doesn't hurt if you're both in the same place mentally in that you're not looking for that great big romance but are largely content with the personal part of your life as it is at the moment.

People need and want love, affection and intimacy on various levels. FwB provide all of these with a relatively low demand on one's life outside this kind of arrangement.

It's also a tremendous advantage if your FwB and you are incredibly physically attracted to one another and can really make the sparks fly.

But there ought always be a mutual tennet of respect and honesty with one another. Feelings can be hurt if a new person enters a scene and upsets the balance. Both people must keep in mind and be prepared for the real possibility of that.

Oh... and HELL YEAH there's Kissing!!!!

What I don't understand is the following:
* You hang out together
* You are incredibly physically attracted to one another
* You kiss
* You have sex
* You have to worry that feelings can be hurt if a new person enters a scene

In what way is this different from dating the person? What makes this person a "friend with benefits" vs. a girlfriend/boyfriend ?

Don't girlfriends/boyfriends do the same things as above?

Also, I'm curious as to the age of people who have had friends with benefits.
That is, has anyone here had friends with benefits in the 1950s,60s,70s,80s,90s?
I have the feeling that, even if this thing existed before, it was not until the 1990s that it became more acceptable and widespread.

[twickster]

Originally Posted by Polerius

In what way is this different from dating the person? What makes this person a "friend with benefits" vs. a girlfriend/boyfriend ?

Don't girlfriends/boyfriends do the same things as above?.

The difference is, as I said above, that there's no assumption of exclusivity, and no expectation that there's going to be any kind of long-term relationship. The big difference is probably is that you meet each other's family if you're bf/gf, but don't if you're FwB.

I suspect -- based on nothing in particular -- that it's more common in somewhat older people -- it's reasonably common in my peer group (people in their 40s and 50s), who have usually had enough sexual partners to be able to separate the physical and the emotional pretty cleanly. I'm sure someone will be around any second now to correct me on that.

As far as the historical perspective -- probably more common now than it was 50 years ago, as a side-effect of the sexual revolution -- it's a lot more common for adults "of a certain age" to be unmarried than it was 50 years ago.

[Cowgirl Jules]

It's fairly common in my peer group too, Twickster, although mine overlaps yours (late 30s and 40s.)

I've had a few, and have one now. Sometimes it just develops and sometimes you lay it all out with words to be sure that nobody's reading too much into anything, as is the case with my current one. I've found that people I've formerly dated but weren't really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way, but were great friends and physically good together have worked the best. I didn't even have to date one to know we wouldn't work together, but we had a great time as lovers anyway.

But it is really important that both parties are clear that that IS what sort of relationship it is. There's too much potential for hurt feelings otherwise.

And yes, there's kissing! But not really in front of other friends, because who knows, one of you could be scoping out an actual date with someone else.

[corkboard]

Originally Posted by Polerius

Also, I'm curious as to the age of people who have had friends with benefits.
That is, has anyone here had friends with benefits in the 1950s,60s,70s,80s,90s?
I have the feeling that, even if this thing existed before, it was not until the 1990s that it became more acceptable and widespread.

I had FwB during the 80's and 90's. In all cases it was kind of an unspoken agreement that when we were together, we were basically like girlfriend/boyfriend- held hands, kissed, had sex, etc. Next day, we went our separate ways with a kiss, and there were no obligations, no required phone calls, no guilt. Also, no guaranteed date on the weekend, no certainty of safe sex (one or both were most likely sleeping with others, as well as each other), no assurance that we would necessarily be there for each other. They lasted as long as a couple years to a few months. The couple years one was nice- when either of us was in a relationship, we didn't contact each other. In between relationships, the booty calls re-commenced.

[Polerius]

Originally Posted by Cowgirl Jules

I've found that people I've formerly dated but weren't really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way, but were great friends and physically good together.

This is all very informative, so thanks for all the replies.

But I have to ask, if you are "great friends" and "physically good together", I thought those were the two requirements for a good bf/gf. How can there be someone who satisfies these two crtiteria but is not " really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way"?

[twickster]

Polerius -- I'm asking in a totally unsnarky way -- but how old are you? Because I think the FwB thing is common, as I said, among people who have already gone through a number of relationships and have had a number of partners. After a while, you can tell if there's a possible future or if it's just no way -- and you can also learn to appreciate someone who's a "no way" for other things they have to offer.

[QuickSilver]

Originally Posted by Polerius

But I have to ask, if you are "great friends" and "physically good together", I thought those were the two requirements for a good bf/gf. How can there be someone who satisfies these two crtiteria but is not " really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way"?

There are many reasons. For me, I'm very fond of my FwB and we've known one another for almost two years and dated exclusively for much of that. However, we both agree that we are a bit too set in our ways and personal habits to be able to successfully come together and build a common household. We can't even pick a bedspread we can both agree on.

But that's just one issue of several mostly having to do with lifestyle choices and individual willingness to accept certain realities/responsibilities of their partner's lives in a way that will directly impact one's own life. (i.e. children)

[BobLibDem]

Is there a formal agreement between the FWBs? Or does it just naturally evolve? Do they often continue even when one or both are in other relationships?

[PookahMacPhellimey]

Originally Posted by Polerius

But I have to ask, if you are "great friends" and "physically good together", I thought those were the two requirements for a good bf/gf. How can there be someone who satisfies these two crtiteria but is not " really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way"?

Someone is capably of monogamy and you are require that in a relationship.

Someone is very tidy and you are very untidy.

Someone is a mad party animal and you like to go to a party only once in a while.

Someone is a veggie and you love meat.

Someone doesn't like to be away from home more than two days but you love to travel as much as possible.

Someone really wants children, the other person absolutely does not.

Etc etc.

Basically, lifestyle choices that you are perfectly happy to allow for in a friend but that would living together long term as a couple very difficult.

[PookahMacPhellimey]

Originally Posted by PookahMacPhellimey

Someone is capably of monogamy and you are require that in a relationship.

Bl**dy hell. Let's try that again.

Someone is incapable of monogamy and you require that in a relationship.


Sorry.

[QuickSilver]

Originally Posted by BobLibDem

Is there a formal agreement between the FWBs?

Yes. It is negotiated in various ways. Though not often written down and notorized.

Originally Posted by BobLibDem

Or does it just naturally evolve?

Yes. As natural as any other kind of mutually beneficial relationship/friendship.

Originally Posted by BobLibDem

Do they often continue even when one or both are in other relationships?

Depends on whether the other relationships are exclusive in nature.

[Queen Tonya]

Originally Posted by Polerius

This is all very informative, so thanks for all the replies.

But I have to ask, if you are "great friends" and "physically good together", I thought those were the two requirements for a good bf/gf. How can there be someone who satisfies these two crtiteria but is not " really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way"?

Oh, there're about a million reasons why someone is a great individual and hot but not long-term relationship potential.

Say they've got very different political or religious views than you do, wouldn't work out for a Real Relationship, but you've surely got good friends with differing viewpoints right?

I had one FwB situation for nearly a year, fabulously hot physical relationship but not someone I'd ever bring home to meet the family. He was a dope-smoker, I'm not. I don't care what any adult does in their own home, but I'm also not going to have A Relationship with a pothead. That's the type of difference that means 'not compatible for long-term' to me, but doesn't mean we didn't get along and enjoy each other's company.

Especially in the case of exes becoming FwBs, you've already figured out it doesn't work between you but there's still friendship and affection and if you've got nothing better going on, then there ya go. One person might be jealous, or spend too much time with the guys/girls, or be too whatever, people break up for zillions of reasons but that doesn't necessarily mean the other person is Bad or Wrong, just not suitable for a long-term gig.

Inherent in the boyfriend/girlfriend title is the idea that it's working toward permanency, that moving in together, marriage and kids are probable goals. FwBs enjoy the day to day behaviors of a boyfriend/girlfriend gig, without those expectations.

[twickster]

Originally Posted by Queen Tonya

I had one FwB situation for nearly a year, fabulously hot physical relationship but not someone I'd ever bring home to meet the family. He was a dope-smoker, I'm not. I don't care what any adult does in their own home, but I'm also not going to have A Relationship with a pothead. That's the type of difference that means 'not compatible for long-term' to me, but doesn't mean we didn't get along and enjoy each other's company.

If it weren't for the whole ugly JLo incident ....

[Queen Tonya]

Some people have way better memories than they oughta!

[Raguleader]

Other examples of how people might end up FwB instead of a Couple, their own lives may be such that they feel they can't spend enough time together to form a real relationship, say, one or more of them is in the Armed Forces, or in a job that involves lots of travel without being able to easily bring your significant other along (airline pilot/flight attendant, sailor, maybe a oil rig worker) or you just live in different cities and are unwilling to locate (Say one person has a plush corporate job in New York, the other really really loves the fishing in Detroit or something).

I don't have any FwB (personally, I'm too clingy, and to borrow a phrase out of context from my Jewish dad: "Too Catholic", to be able to handle such a thing honestly, I think) but I do have a number of friends who ARE FwB, and it seems to work for them, to varying degrees (there are times when it works, times when it don't, as with all things, YMMV).

[melunz67]

I was in a Fw/B type relationship previous to my current marriage. Reason being....he was basically a confirmed bachelor (set in his ways), and I didn't want a traditional relationship at the time. Did we hook up and say "Hey let's be friends w/ benefits?" Hell no! We had known each other for years, as he was a regular customer where I worked. I saw him in a bar one night and asked him if he wanted to screw. We went out on a couple of dates, but pretty much just laughed about our situation everytime we did. So, one night we talked about the fact that neither one of us could keep a straight face when it came to the "dating" thing, and we made a verbal agreement. The agreement was.....we do it when we do it, we do it as long as it's fun, no expectations whatsoever, no questions, when someone wants to get up and go, they get up and go, and when one of us is ready to move on, we tell the other before doing so. I will note that we only slept with one another, thats why we liked it. Some of you will say...."But that's a traditional relationship", but it wasn't! I did as I pleased and so did he. There were no complications, since there were no expectations. We occasionally went out in public together, but we behaved as if we were just friends, which we were. Everyone in our circles knew what our arrangement was. It was FUN! This lasted for 2 years, and turned out to be the best thing I could have done. It went a long way towards teaching me boundaries and respect in my current marriage. In my own experience (my youth), and by watching others, I realized that too many people cross lines that they have no business crossing in traditional relationships, i.e. jealousy, and unrealistic expectations, etc. Hey it worked for me, but if your going to do it, you have to be 100% honest with yourself.
When I met my current husband, and realized "Hey I like this guy", I told my Fw/B, and the rest is history. We are still good friends!

[Cowgirl Jules]

Originally Posted by Polerius

But I have to ask, if you are "great friends" and "physically good together", I thought those were the two requirements for a good bf/gf. How can there be someone who satisfies these two criteria but is not " really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way"?

Well, in two of my cases, it's because we tried. That's not all there is to a relationship sometimes, and in both cases the something else was lacking and one or the other or both of us didn't care to be in a formal relationship with the other person. That doesn't mean that we didn't like each other though.

In one case we were both just incompatible enough to not see being in a long-term relationship. I couldn't see marrying him and he couldn't me, so why tie each other down? Like Queen Tonya, who is wise, said, there was no working towards permanency.

The FwB came around years after the initial relationship in that case, so all feelings were pretty distant, but we'd remained friends. And there's nothing wrong with friends taking a little pressure off each other now and then.

And personally, I only indulge in a FwB thing when I'm not in a relationship, or even seeing someone else fairly casually.

[saoirse]

Originally Posted by melunz67

Reason being....he was basically a confirmed bachelor (set in his ways)

Just so you know, that phrase is no longer used the way you're using it. "Confirmed Bachelor" is a euphemism for "gay." I think everybody got what you meant in this case, though.

[Push You Down]

I've had ONE successful Friends with Benefits arrangement. I've had about 2 or 3 unsuccessful one.

The story of the successful one-

Sophmore year of college. I had a friend named "Tina". We weren't that close. We had lived on the same dorm floor freshmen year. So she'd come over to hang out with myself and my two roommates who also lived on the same floor freshmen year. She could come over whenever and hang out. If the roomie weren't home we'd just visit for awhile. Sometimes she stayed for a few minutes sometimes for a few hours. She wasn't a friend that I'd share my deepest thoughts and feelings with. One night she was over and hanging out for awhile, the roommates went to bed. The talk between me and Tina got a little 'bawdy' and then when she was about to leave I asked if she wanted to go to bed. She said yes. She slept over. She sneaked out the next morning so the roomies wouldn't be aware. A couple of days later she stopped by again and hung out. She stayed for awhile and then took off. It was like nothing happened. Next night I went to her place to watch a movie with some of our mutual friends (i was in a class with her roommates boyfriend). After the movie there was this moment where it was just the two of us and I asked if she wanted to come over later. She said she come by. It was clear that I was asking if she wanted to have sex that night. She came over and snuck out the next morning. Late one night she came over and was hanging with the roommates when I got back from work. I was tired and wished everyone good night and we shared a look that told her "Sorry not tonight." and she understood.

We had this arrangement for about two months. It never got weird. I did fess up to the roommates because I just assumed they had figured it out but they hadn't. So now there were some sideways glances when she'd come over to hangout and one of my roomies made a game of seeing how late she could stay up and keep Tina and I from just saying "Good night" and disappearing into my room.
It actually ended because I started dating another girl. It didn't effect me and Tina's relationship at all. We just no longer slept together. We still talk fairly regularly and this was now 6 or 7 years ago. A few years ago when I was in the town she lives in visiting, I did make a play for her, was rejected and felt really dumb afterward.


I think it worked because-
1 We both liked eachother but weren't close friends.
2 We both wanted the same thing.
3 We both had other stuff going on in our lives that made a regualr relationship not necessarily easy.


The other FwB situations I've had didn't work because-
1 We were too close.
2 One wanted a relationship and was hoping that the FWB arrangement would grow into something.

[CynicalGabe]

Originally Posted by saoirse

Confirmed Bachelor" is a euphemism for "gay." I think everybody got what you meant in this case, though.

Really? I know it can be used that way, but would you say thats what it normally meant by the term?

[Martin Hyde]

In my experience it *doesn't* work for college-aged people very well.

I've seen (and participated) in various successful situations like this at an older age, however. I see it a lot among friends who are divorcees or just long term bachelors/bachelorettes. Like others have said, people who probably have more relationship maturity and are better equipped to separate romantic and sexual aspects.

In my younger days I knew people that tried it, but it never ended well for *any* of them. It always got nasty because one party would invariably definitely not be okay with the "non-exclusive" nature, or if one party started to get involved in another, serious relationship that was exclusive in nature it would cause friction that basically ended the friendship.

I consider a friends with benefits situation a more "advanced" relationship best left to the seasoned veterans.

[Linty Fresh]

Originally Posted by Martin Hyde

In my experience it *doesn't* work for college-aged people very well.

I've seen (and participated) in various successful situations like this at an older age, however. I see it a lot among friends who are divorcees or just long term bachelors/bachelorettes. Like others have said, people who probably have more relationship maturity and are better equipped to separate romantic and sexual aspects.

In my younger days I knew people that tried it, but it never ended well for *any* of them. It always got nasty because one party would invariably definitely not be okay with the "non-exclusive" nature, or if one party started to get involved in another, serious relationship that was exclusive in nature it would cause friction that basically ended the friendship.

I consider a friends with benefits situation a more "advanced" relationship best left to the seasoned veterans.

This is an interesting perspective, and I can see how a lot of people may feel this way, but it's possible. Actually, I've had two FwB's, one right before college and one right after. The thing about this game when you're college-aged is that you have to be absolutely honest with each other, and you have to be certain from the outset that there's no way it will ever become permanent.

Both of my FwB's were older, and they both happened at a time of relative upheaval. My first FwB was the summer before I packed off to college. She made it very clear that this was not going to be long term, and that she was seeing someone else (Months later when I was in college, it occured to me to ask myself if she was honest with the other guy about me!). The second one was right after college, and it came about a few months before I shipped out to basic training. I was 23 and she was 45, so you could probably guess how much potential existed for a long term relationship. In any case, it didn't last too long, and I never heard from her again after shipping out.

What did I think of my FwB's? I sure as hell liked them better than any "serious" girlfriends I had before meeting Mrs. Fresh. Either FwB could show up on my doorstep, and I would give them a place to sleep and the shirt off my back, no questions asked. I would introduce them to my wife--who has heard of both of them--while calling them my best friends and meaning it. Any formerly serious girlfriend who showed up on my doorstep would be met with a restraining order and that's about it.

Then again, take that with a grain of salt. When you're talking about any college-aged relationship, FwB or no, all bets are off.

[Carnac the Magnificent!]

Let me articulate what is on many guys' minds: Does the FWB arrangement provide men lots of sex without the traditional expense of wining and dining the woman?

I will concede the , but that's a fairly legit question.

[Martin Hyde]

Everything in this thread is going to be anectdotal, so be prepared for disappointment if you try to apply it to your own life Carnac...

In my experience the "traditional" boyfriend type responsibilities aren't there as a necessity, but say if your FwB wants to do something and you blow her off because you're just in it for the sex, the "F" or friendship of the equation starts to erode and you'll probably lose the benefits eventually.

It really kind of depends on the dynamic. Some friends-with-benefits relationships are friendships that develop into term non-exclusive sexual relationships, while other FwB relationships evolve from the beginning as just that. Typically in the former type (in my experience) if you stop doing the things a friend would and just try to make it into a purely sexually gratifying situation you may lose the friend entirely.

[Martin Hyde]

If anyone remembers Elaine and Jerry in Seinfeld tried this situation and it didn't work out for a few reasons.

One of the big ones was Jerry didn't want to sleep over after sex. In my FwB experiences, if you're adamant about never sleeping over/not letting her sleep over then she's not going to like it. But again, the big disclaimer on anything anyone says on this thread is that it's all anectdotal and everything under the sun has happened in these situations.

[Merkwurdigliebe]

Originally Posted by Carnac the Magnificent!

Let me articulate what is on many guys' minds: Does the FWB arrangement provide men lots of sex without the traditional expense of wining and dining the woman?

I will concede the , but that's a fairly legit question.

This is somewhat important, I suppose, and I would assume that it is almost always the case.

I never went out on dates anyways. Probably the reason why I've never been lucky in the States. But in Europe, its not even necessecary, so that's not a priority.

I have a current FwB. Actually I suppose I've had a few. Basically the difference is that you aren't in love. I think that as you get older you tend to not let yourself fall in love so easily, and that's what makes this a bit easier. You also know the type of person you are looking for. You are with someone who had the same thing going on that Ex # 2 had and you realize how that is going to make you feel in a certain amount of time, so you basically realize there are no feelings there.

With my current one, we sometimes talked about how we weren't really over a particular person in our past. It was nice to talk about that kind of stuff. Somehow it was nice, although it wasn't trying to be a replacement. I don't really like the idea of hanging out so much with a FwB though. For me its just a random thing. You go out and then you hook up and part the next day.

Hmmm. This is getting me excited about seeing her next time!

But I think age is important... I remember the first time I had sex with a girl on a regular basis. I fell in love with her. After that disaster took two years to end I learned the difference between becoming comfortable in a relationship and falling in love! Holy Shit that's an important one! The important part I think is to be at the age where you can realize this. People that have gotten their heart broken a few times and have been through their shit seem to be better at it.

[Queen Tonya]

Originally Posted by Carnac the Magnificent!

Let me articulate what is on many guys' minds: Does the FWB arrangement provide men lots of sex without the traditional expense of wining and dining the woman?

I will concede the , but that's a fairly legit question.

Logistics vary, but yes, quite often that's the case.

Actually, maybe not, a lot of folks still have traditional gender ideas about who pays for what. However, if you count the not having to invest time in the intangibles of a relationship, being nice to her annoying sister, pretending to care about her coworker's neighbor's dogs illness, being accountable for your whereabouts etc, then you're sorta skipping a lot of traditional expense, no?

It is understood that the quality of the lovin' shall rise to spectacular heights to make up for any cost savings, natch.

[DianaG]

Originally Posted by Carnac the Magnificent!

Let me articulate what is on many guys' minds: Does the FWB arrangement provide men lots of sex without the traditional expense of wining and dining the woman?

I will concede the , but that's a fairly legit question.

A "Friend With Benefits" is a friend, someone you would hang out with even if you weren't having sex with her. As such, you still do friend stuff as well. So, you're not wining and dining her, but if you're hanging out together at the pub, it's probably good form to buy her a drink. She is, after all, a special friend.

What you're describing is a fuckbuddy. Someone who exists solely for the bootycall. You don't hang out with your fuckbuddy. You call them when you're done hanging out with your friends, and ask if you can come over for an hour.

[Carnac the Magnificent!]

Originally Posted by DianaG

if you're hanging out together at the pub, it's probably good form to buy her a drink.

Domestic or import?

[twickster]

DianaG nailed it (you are planning to hang around after your month is up, right? I've been enjoying your posts).

When I have a FwB thing going on, I do stuff with the guy that I do with any friend -- go hear some music, see a movie, order a pizza and watch a vid at home, etc. That's the "friends" part. At the end of the evening, we retire together to whosever boudoir is closer. That's the "benefits" part.

A FwB spends the night -- a fuck buddy doesn't.

I'm not knocking fuck buddies -- best sex I ever had was in a booty-call relationship that went on for about two years -- but it's a completely different kind of relationship.