Ask the Extraterrestial

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yup, I’m an honest to Karana extraterrestial being. From an advanced planet way the hell out in space. Got all sorts of knowledge to share with all you lesser life forms. Ask away:

Disclaimer: I am not your lawyer. You are not allowed to violate my cat. If you try, he will probably hurt you. Following any advice I give in this thread could get you sued, jailed, killed, injured, damned to hell for all eternity, deported, divorced, married, pregnant, drunk, otherwise intoxicated, flogged, outcast, laughed at, burned in effigy, shunned, excommunicated, bad karma’d, lactose intoleranted, fired, or otherwise subject you to unpleasant, painful, or fatal consequences. If you die and try to sue me, I will dig you up and kick your cold dead ass. Your milage may vary. Not valid in any state, country, alliance, planet, solar system, galaxy, or parallel universes. TANSTAAFL applies. Bring your own damn towel.

2

When the hell are you bringing back Elvis? Come on, quit hogging The King, willya?

3

Elvis never left Earth. He’s everywhere, but I understand that he does need boats…

4

Why have you not crushed us?

5

Do you find that your extra testicle comes in useful?

6

Do you have any idea how much paperwork you have to do if you crush a semi-sentient species? It’s really not worth the effort. Plus, you have kittens.

7

None of my testicles are considered “extra”. Same goes for my other appendages.

8

What’s with the anal probes? When I see my physician, he looks into my eyes, my ears, my throat, takes my blood pressure, etc. But unless I specifically come in with an ass-related problem, I never get a probe stuck up there.

Can’t you find out what you want with a blood sample and a few hairs?

9

Alien Dude–Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why the Anal Probe stuff?
Are you pervy?

On a more legalistic note: Where were you on the night of October the 30th, 1938? Do you have an alibi? Did you bring pie? How about a wine whose time has come? Did you bring that? If not, why not?

And, finally, are you now or have you ever been a member of the Red Martian Party?

10

DAMN YOU!

Where a Martian Heat Ray (1920s Style) when you really need one? :mad:

11

Sure we could. But you can sell more books about anal probes than you can about blood samples. We cornered that market back in '47.

12

Because.

See Anal Probe stuff above.

Not by intergalatic standards.

I was smoking a fattie outside this radio station with this odd actor, with no pie or wine, because I don’t drink…wine.

I’ve never been a Red Martian, but I dated one once, for about 20 minutes, back in the '60s.

13

Those things never work, anyway. A S&W .357 is the way to go.

14

How’s Roy Neary?

15

What do you call Pluto on your planet?

16

He was served medium rare.

17

A speedbump.

18

Fine. Keep Elvis. He gained too much weight anyway. Those pelvic thrusts could never be the same.

Heat rays? Get real. Everybody knows they use the Eludium P38 Explosive Space Modulator.

19

Brilliant.

20

What do you wear when you aren’t around humans? Most of the aliens I’ve seen (at least the ones who look more or less human) wear some sort of shiny jumpsuit. I’ve always suspected that was some sort of “dress uniform” designed to impress or intimidate us. Is that the standard costume, or do you put on something else when you’re barbecuing out behind the space ship or hang out with your homies?