Is my ex up to something, or is it normal behavior?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, I mean, normal behavior for a guy interacting with his ex…? We have a cat together, the cat lives with him right now, but I still visit her quite a bit. When I visit, I have a spare room there, which I give him some money for, so he and I can stay out of each other’s hair. We’ve remained friends for the most part, mostly our conversations consists of what is going on with the cat; vet visits coming up, possibility of switching her food, whose turn it is to clean the litter box next week, that sort of thing. Once in a while, we’ll spend a couple minutes chatting about how our day was, and catching up, but I think a lot of it has become superficial now that we are just friends.

We used to spend a lot of time talking about a lot of things, but since we broke up, it’s been scaled back a lot, obviously. The other day, he asked me to hang out with him for a bit, and I declined, saying that I was expecting a phone call. Long story short, that led to him discovering that I’m “dating” again, he got really bothered by it. A couple of days later, he called me up, apologized for his reaction to my dating again. He then said although he didn’t like it, he’s dealing with it.

But today, he called me up, asked me if I was going over to his place tonight. I said no, I had plans, and probably won’t be able to stop by to see her. He then started to say that our cat was acting weird, and that she was so attached to me that I should stop by to see her or she’ll be really upset. Then, when I said she will be fine, she’s a brat, but a tough girl, he said he’s scared that she might develop mental problems if left alone for too long. :rolleyes: I asked him why he wasn’t spending time with her, and he said he was, but I’m the one she is really attached to and she relies on me, not him. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: I told him that I’ll try to see her as often as I can, but like a child, she can’t be pleased with whatever she wants, whenever she wants. He got huffy and we ended the call.

So, of all this, I see three things:

  1. He’s really worried about the cat and wants her to be okay.

  2. He wants me back, and is giving me a whole bunch of bullshit excuses to get me to go over and see me.

  3. He doesn’t want me back, but he doesn’t want me to move on either, so he’s giving me a whole bunch of bullshit excuses to guilt me into abandoning the idea of dating.

I see number 3 as the most likely possibility. If you’ve managed to read through this whole mess, what do you think?

2

I’m trying to figure out why three google ads are for ribs/bbq sauce and one is “keep pork off your fork” for goveg.com
I think jealousy is illogical so trying to figure it out may be an exercise in futility.

3

Going with number 3!!!

I don’t know your living arrangements but why not try calling his bluff? If he insists the cat is more attached to you and will have mental issues without you then just take the cat back and have it live at your place. Although thinking about it, this means that he will want to visit her there so you might not want to!

4

I’m voting #2 with perhaps a tiny bit of #3.

5

Let me get this straight: you’re renting a room from him so you can have private visitationswih the cat?

Have you heard, “The pot is calling the kettle black”? Well, I don’t entirely understand it, but I think it may apply here.

6

Yeah, what the heck? Why didn’t you just keep the cat? That’s kind of odd if you ask me.

I know if I broke up with somebody I wouldn’t want to hang out with that person just so I could see the cat.

7

Wait, you’re asking if his behavior is normal, and you’re the one paying upkeep so you can have joint custody of a cat? Sounds like you’re giving him mixed signals. If you really want to move on, pick one of you to keep the cat and break ties. Otherwise, it’s going to continue to look like you’re trying to find reasons to keep seeing him. Can’t blame him for being a bit perturbed at hearing that you’re dating, given the situation.

8

What she said.

9

I agree with the “Irrational Jealousy” theory. Sometimes even if a guy doesn’t want you for himself, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.

It might be easier for both of you to move on if you can decide who the cat is truly more attached to and let that person keep the cat without any “visitations” going on.
If I were dating someone who said they kept going over to their ex’s house for “visits” with a former pet it would probably make me suspicious about if they were using the animal as an excuse to stay tied to the ex.

10

Especially going over and spending the night.

11

What she said… umm…ah she said.

12

I didn’t think many people would understand our situation, which is okay. It may not be a decision that you choose to make yourself, but when we settled upon it when we broke up, we both agreed to it. It works (or was working, I guess) for both of us, so I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Basically, the reason I can’t take the cat is because I still live with my parents and they have a strict no pets in the house rule. My mother is adamant about it. I can’t bring the cat home and say “Can we pleeeease keep her?” because she would just whisk the cat right off to the SPCA. There is absolutely no doubt from the both of us, my ex and I, that the cat is more attached to me. When I go and see her, she greets me with such vigor, I have never seen it in any other animal. When he gets home, she shrugs her sholders and goes back to watching the birds.

I expressed to him that if it was truly necessary, that I would find some way to move out of my parents’ place, or rent a room elsewhere to keep the cat so I can see her whenever I wanted without disrupting his life. First option of moving out completely doesn’t quite work because if I were to work and go to school full time, I’d get really sick again, both mentally and physically. Renting a cheap room elsewhere would not be fair to the cat because there would not be anyone around for her when I’m not around. She would go crazy with lonliness.

With all this, we were keeping the cat’s wellbeing in mind. Also, I believe that we are old enough to be adults and remain friends after the break-up. He is not a bad person, he just has some things to figure out for himself. So, I figured we were both mature enough to handle being friends and he was okay with me renting a room out. It has been working out really well so far, up until I told him I was starting to date again.

What I wanted was just some views on his behavior so I can have insight onto having a discussion with him. I’m normally quite empathetic, but this time, I don’t know which three options (or maybe a fourth unknown option) that he is going through, but I would like to speak to him with a better idea of how he might be feeling before just jumping in and accusing him of being a selfish bastard…

13

Were you married, or dating?

14

Dating. Year and a half into it when we broke up.

15

Given that they sound about 16, I hope it was the latter.

16

Apparently it doesn’t work or you wouldn’t be asking strangers on the internet for advice. Here’s the thing: it’s a cat, not a kid. It’s going to be attached to whatever entity shows it the most affection and manages to feed it on a daily basis. If that can’t be you, then let him take care of it.

Either you’re dating, or you’re not. You’re sending mixed signals, and there’s nothing irrational about his behavior. What’s irrational is your continuing on as if you’re still in a relationship with him only excluding the actual intimacy. In a very real way you’re leading him on by maintaining a shared experience through the cat. So, if you want to be absolutely clear about where the two of you stand, cut bait and go fish elsewhere. If you don’t trust him with the cat, find a neutral third party that can give it a good home. But make up your mind, and don’t leave him guessing about what you really expect from all this.

17

I was all ready to help you decide if your post included normal or non-normal behaviors…but any ability to do so was out the window by the time I read this:

That right there isn’t too normal, so anything you guys do that involves this situation won’t be normal either.

Save the case you’re giving him for the room and get your own place where you can have your own cat, or this one.

You seem fine and dandy with the breakup. He’s the one that needed to “figure things out” so he’s probably not so fine. You renting a room from him “because of the cat” is probably blowing his mind already.

18

Elizabeth Patterson, is that you?

19

I think it’s very possible to remain friends, even very close friends, with an ex. I don’t think that “sever all ties” is necessary, nor do I think it’s weird to want to see the cat. I think renting a room is kinda weird, though.

20

How did the cat come to belong to both of you? Did you ever live together? Did you move into his place? Share some third place that you both moved out of?