Tonight DH and I got into an argument. The problem is that he doesn’t have any control over his temper when he’s pissed off. He gets right in my face, points his finger in my face (I really hate that) and yells as loud as he can.
Yeah. We have two kids, 11 and 17. It’s so fun for them, I’m sure.
His brother is the exact same way from what my SIL tells me.
I’m so sick of this shit, you just have no idea. It’s also very demeaning to be yelled at like that.
What do I do? Constructive help, please. I don’t need any advice on how to get a divorce lawyer.
Living with it is the only (non-) solution. After this long, I can’t see someone changing something that is so deeply ingrained and (apparently) a family tradition. I haven’t known anyone with this particular problem, but other, comparable, ones seem to be permanent. Talking about it maybe makes them aware for a short while, but soon they’re back to their old patterns.
It might also help to tell us what you’ve already tried and why it worked or didn’t.
I have a couple suggestions which you may already have tried.
When someone is getting loud, I generally say in a very calm and even voice, ‘you’re yelling’ or ‘why are you yelling?’ In many instances, they don’t even know they’re doing it and will stop. If the person doesn’t stop, then they may be using the loudness as some kind of intimidation. Intimidation is a different issue.
If informing the person of their action doesn’t work, I would suggest leaving the room and saying that you’ll be back when the other person is willing to discuss the issue in a rational manner.
Of course, I would vary my suggestions if any physical action is involved.
The argument was about Christmas gifts. It was nothing to get very worked up about, that’s for sure. I stay calm and rational, and say “Stop yelling at me”, or “Why are you yelling at me?”. His response? Because I’m fucking pissed off, now deal with it. He knows he’s doing it, and quite frankly doesn’t care about the effect on me, or the kids for that matter.
Walking away is a good idea. If I’m not there, there’s no one to vent on.
I do reply with zingers, now that I think about it. That’s like throwing kerosene onto a fire.
I think I’m going to check into marriage counseling. Something that’s gone on this long won’t change on it’s own. Also, I’m sitting here feeling like shit. Then I get angry for allowing someone else to make me feel that way.
The thought crossed my mind while he was doing his yelling/screaming act that I wished I had a video camera to record the whole thing. Then I would play it on You Tube or something. Well, not really.
It might help to point out that the yeller may think he’s out of control, but in fact he’s in complete control (and he knows he’s intimidating). For instance, if your next-door neighbors called the police and they showed up, he would stop yelling–right? Therefore he’s in control. He can change this behavior whenever he wants.
Therefore he does it because he gets something out of it. He keeps doing it because he keeps getting something out of it.
Now maybe he feels like nobody listens to his side of things unless he yells, or maybe he just needs the release and after he yells a bit he feels better. (I’m kind of like this myself so I want people to just let me yell; in my case it only lasts a minute or so.) Whatever it is, try to find some other way for him to get it.
For instance, “I’m not going to talk to you while you’re yelling at me. Calm down and I’ll be happy to discuss this reasonably.”
Or, “When you’re through venting I will listen to you.”
I understand how you feel. I can’t stand to have anyone yell at me, and once someone starts, I know nothing constructive will come of it. Because of this, if I’m arguing with someone who begins to yell, I turn around and walk away long before he can point a finger in my face, and I won’t resume the discussion until the volume level is turned down.
You might try talking to him about it when you’re both calm and the kids aren’t around. Get your thoughts collected before you sit down with him - if you think you’ll get flustered and forget important points, write them down. Tell him how important this issue is to you, let him know exactly which behaviors bother you and why, and stay focused on communicating how things look from your point of view. Try very hard to stay away from accusatory statements or any statement that begins with the phrase “You always” or “You never”, since those things are likely to start another argument rather than facilitating discussion, and stay focused on the issue at hand rather than letting any other disagreements or problems you may have with him come into it. After you state your feelings, ask him to respond in kind - you may have to prime the pump by asking him how he feels (and you’ll have to try to ignore any of his “You always…” statements) and if he has any thoughts about how to solve the problem. Really listen to what he has to say, and try to consider his point of view as carefully as you want him to consider yours. Also, you didn’t mention it, but is alcohol involved? You cannot reason with someone who’s drunk, so if it’s an issue, be sure you’re having your discussion before anyone’s had a drink.
Don’t let him dismiss your feelings - if one person in a relationship is having a problem, you both are. Marriage counseling is an excellent idea, but you’ll have to start talking in order to get him to realize that this is an issue that won’t just go away.
Sit him down and give an ultimatum one day while everything is calm. True, he’ll probably blow up as soon as you tell him he’s going to stop. But just last through it each time knowing that he’s just lost sex/conversation/whatever with you for the next two weeks.
Never back down. If he’s been good about it for a while, and he starts yelling again one day, do not be nice. Regardless of how long he’s been good, any and every time he does something that is frightening or demeaning, follow through. If he becomes physically violent of course, get out, get a divorce.
Can I please counter a couple of the suggestions above? Don’t ask, “Why are you yelling?” That’s passive aggressive and puts him on the defensive; now he has to give you an answer, which may make him angrier. My sister, who is monstrously passive aggressive, is all about, “Why are you doing that? Why do you do this? Why do you . . . ?” To respond that way is an accusation, without being direct about it.
Make statements, not questions. Calmly, quietly. Make them “me” statements, not “you” statements. “I don’t like it when you yell at me,” not “You are yelling at me.”
Subtle, but it may change the tone of the exchange.
My dad is a yeller. It helps that once he’s over the initial rage, he usually feels bad about the yelling. So my solution is that I absolutely refuse to argue with him when he starts yelling. I just walk out of the room. If he follows me and wants to argue, I tell him to go away and we’ll talk about it in 10 minutes. By then he’s usually calm enough to discuss whatever it is in a rational manner.
When I was a young teenager, before I developed this method, I used to have some real screaming fights with my dad. Now…I actually can’t remember the last time we fought. We get along wonderfully. (Does it help that we live on opposite sides of the planet? Maybe…but even when I was living with my parents in my early 20s we didn’t fight at all.) My sister, on the other hand, is also a yeller and they fight all the time. Really unpleasant.
Purple Haze , what’s he like otherwise? His response to you asking him not to yell is so disrespectful, IMO, that it concerns me even more than the yelling.
I have a new job, working in the field of couples’ counseling (I am NOT a counselor; I’m just learning a lot being around them!). This sounds like a good idea, but I’d tweak your “I” statement a bit – say, “It makes me feel ______ when you yell at me. I need you to be calm when we talk.” And I would do this NOT in the heat of the moment, but at another time, so that it doesn’t get lost in the fight. Tell him what you do need/want him to do, not what you don’t want him to do – focus on the positive, and give him direction.
Also, I would try to create some rules around these discussions/fights – something like a code word, that either of you can use, that means “we are not getting anywhere in this state; let’s take a break for __ minutes and come back and try to discuss it calmly.”
Another thing I’ve learned is that men take a LOT longer to calm down than women do, physiologically speaking. So even if you’ve recovered from being yelled at, give him more time.
I have some great resources through my work; my email’s in the profile if you’re interested.
When we get to an impasse, one of us will put up our hand and say…"*This * conversation is OVAH."
I disagree with the “I” statements with regard to verbal violence. He doesn’t give a shit how you feel, so reiterating the fact that he’s hurting your feelings will be ineffective. The only thing you can do is cease to participate. “I’m not going to stand here and be treated like shit. When you want to discuss this, let me know.” Then walk away.
If he doesn’t seem to care how he’s making you feel - will knowing he is having a very negative effect on the children make any difference to him?
I cannot stand to be yelled at, or to have anyone get in my face. It very seldom happens to me, as Mr. SCL is not a yeller. I recommend walking away. Don’t say anything, and don’t wait until the finger starts waving. As soon as the volume goes up - leave. If he asks why, explain that you will not allow yourself to be demeaned and your children to be scarred by his behavior.
Counseling is a good idea if you can get him to go. If he won’t go, go alone. Going alone won’t change his behavior but it may give you some tools to deal with it.