First off, let me say that I don’t judge other people’s choices…this isn’t about that. What this thread is about is I am wondering how exactly a couple goes about finding/picking up another woman.
Ok, let me say that I go on the basic premise (no bitching, please – if you vary from the following stereotype, please disregard it and move along, kthx) that men are usually horny and don’t care if the other guy (the husband) joins in, so long as he gets laid, thereby making the MFM threesome much easier to accomplish.
Now, having picked up both men and women in bars, I know that for me (a decent-looking chick) picking up women is much harder than picking up men. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be if I had to add in “oh, and by the by, my husband wants to join us.” I know what my reaction would be to a pick-up line like that – “uh, yeh, thanks, but no thanks.”
So, polyamorous/open marriage/threesome people – how do you do it? Is there a trick to it or does it just happen?
I think you may be conflating polyamory with threesomes too much. IANAP, but I don’t believe all polyamorists actually sleep with all partners at once. I’m sure that does happen, but from what i’ve learnt from the limited sample of people on these boards, it’s not all the time.
I do understand the concept of polyamory – I have friends who are in that type relationship. I am asking a serious question, though of anyone who might could answer it. (might could, haha, that is such a southern turn of a phrase!) Polyamorists must, at some point, find their 3rd partner, right? So, how do they go about doing that?
I actually am asking this because I have recently become acquainted with a couple who are in the process of trying to find another female for their relationship – they want to be polyamorous, not just have a weekend 3some – I don’t know them well enough to ask them these questions, so I ask anonymously on the SDMB.
Actually, I didn’t really wanna hijack that thread for my (maybe not so)mundane, yet (exceedingly) pointless question, but I may do so at your suggestion
The polyamorists don’t always have a third partner. Sometimes, (most of the time?) one half of the couple meets a person and they have a relationship that doesn’t include the spouse or original partner. At that time, they tell the new person that they are married or otherwise entangled with another person and that it is a lifestyle choice. The person either buys into that honestly or doesn’t.
The people I know in group marriages (group marriages where they all live in the same house - although not all people are sexually engaged with each other necessarily) have never gone “partner shopping.” They’ve been involved in communities where poly marriages are plausible, have created a friendship with someone, and have propositioned and eventually proposed.
I think the “becoming friends with people in a community where such a thing is possible” is probably key. It isn’t real likely to hook up with a like minded single at your local Baptist Church revival - but its not easy to offend someone with the idea at a Science Fiction convention or a Pagan campout - you may not meet the right person, but not everyone there is the wrong person.
What you’re describing is less in the nature of polyamory and more in the nature of swinging. That’s fine, but the two are fairly distinct and tend to have distinct communities involved in them. I’d suggest asking a swinger rather than a poly person as you are more likely to get useful tips.
On the other hand, just going by stereotype, men are much less likely to get involved in anything that has the slightest hint of homoeroticism, whereas women are (stereotypically) more willing to experiement with their sexuality, so I’d assume that it would be easier to get get a MFF threesome than a MFM threesome.
Picking up women is generally harder than picking up men. My spouse (male) has had women say sarcastically, “Sure you’re in an open marriage!” and turn him down. I’ve had men say, effectively, “Who cares?”.
There are poly and swingers’ groups in most large cities - they can function as friendly support groups, meat markets for a quick shag (swingers obviously more likely), or a place to meet an actual partner. As mentioned, Pagans and other groups are more accepting of different lifestyles, and relationships can form a little more organically from friendships in those groups.
Well, first off, I am not looking for “tips” – I was just curious. Secondly, the couple I mentioned very much are partner-shopping, so as with anything else, I guess YMMV. I did not limit the question to just those who are polyamorous, because it was a general question about the FMF threesome.
Not all swingers do threesomes, not all polyamors do threesomes, not all open marriages do threesomes, but some do. Let me go back and say that it’s just a curious question – hence being in MPSIMS instead of IMHO or GQ.
Like I said about the stereotype, it’s just that – a stereotype. I know that my husband has the NDR (no dick in the room) rule, but you can betcherass that if I said I would do a FMF if he’d go for an MFM that he’d be quite ok with it Seriously, though – as a girl who has had a few bi encounters, and has some serious kink, I am just thinking that it would be damn near impossible for another couple to pick me up – I think I’d be a bit creeped out. No – I know I’d be creeped out, because one of my exes wanted me to be the 2nd wife in his first poly marriage. But, whatever…not here to judge, just wondering if there is a trick to it or if in general it tends to be “oh, we knew her for ages and it just happened.”
Hmm, I don’t know if my answer will help you, **Litoris, ** but here goes. I had a threesome with a married couple and they wanted me to be their permanent third as well, which I turned down. They were actively seeking a third much of the time, because they wanted another woman in their relationship who would appeal to both of them, not just be his or her “extra lover.” They looked for another partner among friends and like-minded folk they knew. It’s difficult to just say to someone, “Hey, want to be our girlfriend?” Getting to know the person and seeing what they think of such a situation and whether they are attracted to you is the main thing in it, just like asking someone out when you’re not married.
I was kind of creeped out but not by the fact that they asked–if I met a couple that I was attracted to and they were both attracted to me, that would be theoreticially great. I was creeped out because she obviously didn’t really want an open marriage but was dealing with it to keep her husband happy. That’s not how you want to do this sort of thing. The last I heard of them, they were divorced, but I’m not privy to the reasons why.
See, and my experience (and that of my husband) is the exact opposite, much to my own surprise. He dates a lot more women than I date men. Maybe it’s coincidental, or maybe they’re unattracted for some other reason and saving face, but I’ve had a lot more men decline relationships because I’m married than my husband has had women decline because he’s married.
I don’t think I’m really in the demographic the OP is looking for, despite my large presence in other poly threads. My husband and I have never looked for or approached a third. The couple of times I’ve been involved in threesomes, it hasn’t been with my husband. A good friend of mine literally sat down and looked at mutual friend of ours sitting next to me at a campfire and said, “Want to have sex sometime?” and then at me and asked the same thing. I said, “At the same time?” and he said, “Sure!” I had a mad crush on him, as did she, and she and I were (are) great friends, so we both laughed and said yes, thinking we’d call his bluff. Nope. That was a particularly ballsy guy, though. I don’t know if I’d recommend that as an approach in all situations!
As for a longer term emotional commitment, my assumption, having never tried it, is that you just get to know someone well enough to ask. It’s all just dating, that’s all. How do you approach a guy if you want to sleep with him one-on-one? Will you get turned down more than a traditional monogamy seeker? Probably. But you just get to know people, ask and risk rejection, same as anyone looking for a mate. My guess is that it’s better to have some initial gentle one-on-one conversations with whichever member of the established couple feels like doing it, rather than cornering the poor sap and outnumbering him, but I have no practical experience in the matter.
No worries about the hijack. It looks like the other thread has, er… opened itself up to a broader area of discussion, so I’ll close this one and point everyone to the other thread.
Seriously, though – as a girl who has had a few bi encounters, and has some serious kink, I am just thinking that it would be damn near impossible for another couple to pick me up – I think I’d be a bit creeped out. No – I know I’d be creeped out, because one of my exes wanted me to be the 2nd wife in his first poly marriage. But, whatever…not here to judge, just wondering if there is a trick to it or if in general it tends to be “oh, we knew her for ages and it just happened.”