Ah, Lindsay, when are you going to realize that the celebrity life just isn’t meant for you, and that your destiny lies in providing me with an heir?
This makes the odds that she will be doing porn in the next 5 years drop to even money.
How could the bright, perky little redhead who starred in The Parent Trap have turned into this wretched creature? My theory is that the real Lindsay was abducted by aliens several years ago, and the current “Lindsay” is a pod-person with hidden tentacles and green blood.
Sweet! 
You mean " doing porn for money."
She does it now inadvertently. Don’t Google “lohan crotch shot.” Remember, I told you not to do it. 
ITS’ A TRAP!
Holy crap she’s a he:
As a girl named Lindsay, I just hope the name doesn’t end up as a punchline like “Britney” has.
What if she HAS realized this, and that’s the problem?
Hey, so long as I get some nookie out of the deal, I’m pretty much unconcerned with how she handles that realization. 
Well perhaps the pressure is driving her away from you, did you ever think of that? Maybe you should consider refining your approach. Be sensitive to her needs. Ease off, give it time. Better still, work toward her by degrees. You should practice first, to get a feel for the territory. Perhaps you could try convincing some other girl named “Lindsay” to provide you with an heir, as a warmup exercise? That is, if you happen to know of any such person who shares that name.
Playboy photo shoot: 3:4
Sex tape with a well-hung “boyfriend” - 2:3
Hardcore scene in an indie film: 1:2
Hardcore scene in a porn film: 1:4
Oh, that one’s easy to answer. It takes just three words: Dina Sullivan Lohan.
Lohan’s mother is using her as a meal ticket, nothing more and nothing less. She’s living the high life on her daughter’s earning power and has bene pimping her out as a model, actress, singer and, of late, sex symbol since Lohan the Younger was about five. What the hell else is going to happen in such a situation?
Homegirl is a wreck on the personal life tip, and her acting chops aren’t all that. She’s “hot” at the moment but she has five years or so to get her shit together, learn to really act well, or she can reserve a seat next to Molly Ringwald and Ali Sheedy in the Next Big Burnout Hall of Fame. (In all fairness I don’t think those two drank and drugged their way down there, but it happens.)
Hmmm, that could work, but I don’t think Mirror Image egamI rorriM would be game for that idea. After all, she’s not stupid.
That’s right. I’m in college, and I’m not dropping out to care for a baby. Sorry, dude. Also, I don’t have Lohan’s curves or lovely red hair (when it’s red, which is not very often these days).
With all the blow, Lindsay Lohan doesn’t even have Lindsay Lohan’s curves anymore.
-foxy
Yeah, but you’ve got a lovely figure none the less.