I need no introduction. You all* know me and are keenly aware of my numerous good qualities.
Anyways, as usual, I was discussing the implications of my awesomeness with a friend of mine and, at one point, we had this exchange:
Friend: You know, we’ve been talking about the ramifications of your awesomeness for many years now…
Me: You mean many months…
Friend: Ah…yes, only months eh? Anyways, we’ve been talking about it for a while but you never explained to me exactly why you were awesome. Is it possible you might…not be awesome?
And of course, as a man of great humility, I could not start listing the reasons to her (not to mention I would get tired of typing them after a few hours). And thusly, this thread was created.
Now please. Let’s not make this embarassing. No more than one reason per person.
*If for some reason (you’re new to the board, you were in a coma for the past 5 years, you have amnesia, etc.) you do not have any idea who I am, it’s ok. Just say whatever comes from the heart, whatever you feel is right. For science, justice and apple pie.
By describing your alleged awesomeness, I would be acting contrary to my own self-interest. You see, as a fellow human I am in direct competition with you for things such as resources, women, etc. Of course, this would be different if I had reason to feel that it was in my direct self-interest to tout your virtues. cough coughsticks open palm under the table (hint: a 50 will work)
Gozu, tell your friend that you are almost as awesome as Me.
By comparing yourself to a Universally Beloved Figure™, such as myself, you will deeply impress your friend, make his/her eyes fill with Wonder, & maybe get him/her to sleep with you.
I’m afraid that by setting such a gloriously compelling model for all humans…no…all apes to follow, I might have done us all a disservice.
As you all know, modesty is my greatest virtue. Is it excessive? Maybe, I don’t know. I’m too humble to presume one way or the other. But as the Inuits of the himalaya used to say, “too much of a good thing can be excessive”. I know, not very bright those Inuits…but a kind and noble people all the same. Kinda short though, the women might want to wear some high heels…and maybe bras. Good folks, good folks but anyways, moving onward!
I believe that in your most commendable zeal to protect me from all the despicable, envious haters who await but one slip to accuse me of arrogance or selfishness, you may have been far too cautious in your comments.
I’m here to lower my head and smile benevolently at you all and tell you, shout at you with glee and…um…wisdom (sort of a wisdom-glee shout, if you will), to stand up for yourself and let the truth be heard. No anecdote is flattering enough, no story is crazy enough, no eulogy is effusive enough to make a statement! A definite statement about freedom, liberty and my awesomeness.
This is your time! Shine, my darlings, shine! And bless your fibrous, pulsing hearts.
Actually, you should tell your friend you’re awesome simply because you happened, by mere chance to subscribe to the same message board I had subscribed to.
