Evan Almighty? ASS Almighty (Lousy movie PSA -- open spoilers)

Cafe Society
1

I don’t even know where to start with how bad the movie is. It begins sucking hard right out of the box and never relents. How bad does it suck? Let me count the ways.
<<<<SPOILERS WILL FOLLOW>>>>>>

  1. At the beginning, the title character, Evan (who is ostensibly the same obnoxious character he played in Bruce Almighy but who behaves nothing like him) is seen doing his last show as a news anchor, having just won an election to the House of Representatives. This is stupid because a politician campaigning for election could never simultaneously keep working as a journalist or a television news anchor. It’s a minor inanity, but it sets a tone and telegraphs the lack of intelligence in the writing. We are in sitcom territory from the start.

  2. Evan goes to Washington to be a Congressman. This is where we get the trite establishing scenes of the workaholic movie dad and the freshly scrubbed kids who moon around because dad’s always working and doesn’t have time to go hiking with them. A.) Who gives a FUCK and B.) They couldn’t have thought of anything more original than that? The screenwriters actually thought this would be fresh material? It’s family movie cliche #1. Also how many teenage boys actually agonize over not getting to spend every waking moment with their dads? None, that’s how many.

  3. Evan is supposedly a Congressman but this is one of those movies where political parties are never mentioned because the chickenshit studios don’t want to offend anybody so we get toothless, non-political, politics where any real issues are carefully avoided. John Goodman shows up in these establishing scenes as a mustache twirling corrupt Congressman who wants Evan to be on his comittee for some kind of bill to privatize national parks or something. Yes, the movie has a green message of sorts but not much of one. Not enough to be controversial.

  4. There’s a really obnoxious scene with Evan’s wife (Lauren Graham) telling him a glurgey story about how one of their (thoroughly untalented) kids asked her if they could all pray together and describes what they all prayed for (it’s as saccharine as it sounds). Later that night, Evan prays for God to help him change the world becuae he’s a Congressman now and he thinks he’s has to much power to do anything without divine guidance. I’m not real big on people with power being guided by God. They end up driving planes into buildings or invading Iraq. That scene made me nervous even though I already knew that God is Morgan Freeman in this universe. I just thought it was a bad message.

  5. Morgan Freeman shows up, says build an Ark, yadda yadda. This part is pretty routine and not that offensive. It’s not funny either but not that offensive. Then it gets stupid again when birds start following Evan around. For some reason, the director of this movie believes that lots of CGI animals following Evan around is hysterically funny and he repeats those scenes ad nauseum for the rest of the movie.

  6. There’s a scene where John Goodman storms into Evan’s office when it’s full of birds and goes into a sitcom boss, slow burn routine demanding an explanation. I expetected steam to come out of Goodman’s ears and for him to say, “BAX-STER.” It’s that kind of scene. What makes it extra stupid, though, is that Goodman is NOT Evan’s boss and has no authority over him at all. They are both elected Congressman. The movie makes a big deal about Evan not wanting to cross the Goodman character. He and his wife even worry that Evan will “get fired.” That’s right. They say the words “get fired.” I know what you’re thinking. How can an elected Congressman get “fired” by another elected Congressman. How can a Congressman get fired by anyone except his own constituenuents in the next election? The movie gives us no answer and is further evidence that the script was written by morons.

  7. A bunch of supernatural stuff keeps happening to Evan which dozens of people witness but he still remains an object of ridicule. This really is one of the most glaring problems with the movie. His beard magically grows back instantly every time he cuts it off. His wife and coworkers know this yet are not amazed and worry about his mental health. Exotic animals show up from all over the world. He builds a huge ark with primitive equipment and with the aid of the animals themselves. Yet everyone, including hs wife, still thinks he’s crazy. No one even shows any surprise about seeing actual miracles right in front of them. No one wonders where the animals are all coming from or why they obey Evan or they can build a fucking boat. All they do is keep mocking Evan. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

  8. When the day of the supposed flood arrives, Evan and his family are on the ark (now fully loaded with animals) and surrounded by media. The rain isn’t coming (ho ho). John Goodman suddenly drives up with a wrecking crew in tow and orders them to destroy the ark (apparently while it is still fully loaded with thousands of animals, some of them rare and endangered). The movie does not explain where Goodman gets te authority to destroy the ark (well it makes a passing reference to a “court order” but does not explain further), nor does it explain why Goodman should CARE about this ark.

  9. The flood comes, but it’s not from rain, it’s from a dam breaking. A dam that was built by Goodman’s shady private cronies who “cut corners” on the construction. Everyone in the crowd runs to board the ark. The ark goes surfing therough washington DC and crashes into the Capitol Building.

  10. The crashing into the Capitol Building is made extra stupid by the fact that it hits the rotunda right as Goodman is getting ready to take a vote on some villanous bill of his. You see Congress in session while the flooing streets of DC are clearly visible through the windows behind them. Somehow, nobody at the Capitol Building had any idea that DC was undergoing a massive natural disaster until it was upon them.

The end, pretty much. I know I’m forgetting stuff. I’m only hitting the highlights. Almost every scene of this movie is an offense. It doesn’t even work as glurge. The religious stuff is so watered down and so calculated to be inoffensive that it’s not really recognizable as religion. It’s really just Morgan Freeman showing up occasionally, smiling a warm, indulgent smile and telling people to get busy living or get busy dying – you know – pretty much like every other role he’s ever played (don’t get me wrong, though, I LIKE Morgan Freeman and I think he saves the movie from being far more offensive than it really could be).

This move has some talent attached to it but they’re just cashing checks. Do you remember those Oh God movies that George Burns used to make? This movie is a lot like those things, only without any laughs. It looks like somebody found a discarded script for Oh God: What’s An Ark? and carved it into a Bruce Almighty sequel.

If you decide to go see this anyway. My conscience will be clear. I warned you.

2

I forgot to mention one of the stupidest things of all. It’s never explained why it was necessary to put all these animals on the ark. If Morgan Freeman wanted Evan to buid the ark to save a few tv reporters from a dam break – ok, whatever, but why was it necessary to transport elephants and alpacas from accross the world. The movie gives us no explanation. the animals are utterly pointless except as a site gag.

3

Sorry you sat through it, Dio. I like Carrell a lot, but the reviews for this thing have sucked so far and I doubt he’d even have the chance to save a “family” movie of this kind. Bruce Almighty was a really irritating movie - one of the few I’ve ever walked out of - so even with Carrell I guess it was unrealistic for me to hope this would be better.

4

I feel bad for Lauren Graham. I loved her in Gilmore Girls, but this sounds like crap. I rented Because I Said So with Diane Keaton(who I can’t stand) because Graham was in it, and that was pretty bad, too.

5

That was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Thx, Diogones!

6

More than likely funnier than the movie. You just saved me and the wife twenty bucks, my good man.

7

Yep, sounds like I thought it might. Thanks for taking the bullet, Dio.

Anything controversial you can recall? Any hijinks involving cubits? Any NSFW Ham-on-Noah action?

8

Having not seen the movie, wild guess: because otherwise, the reporters wouldn’t have shown up (in such numbers)?

Or am I giving this film even more thought than it deserves?

9

Nothing I can remember. The movie is studiously careful about avoiding taking any religious or political opinion about anything other than a sort of vague stab at “Cutting down forests is bad…m’kay.”

Morgan Freeman spouts a few doctrine-free platitudes about “working side-by-side” and some other gibberish about “opportunities to show love,” but it never gets any deeper than a Hallmark card. Jesus is not mentioned, nor is any other specific belief. Even the gags are inoffensive. It’s a PG movie and it’s a soft PG. The most radical thing you see is some bird poop (which you see plenty of because it’s so hysterically funny every time).

It’s too bad. Like I said, there are some talented people involved in this – Carell, Freeman, Graham and Goodman are all much better than this material. Wanda Sykes and Ed Helms do their best to squeeze water from a rock but are given absolutely nothing to work with. Jonah Hill (the chubby roommate from *Knocked Up") has a small role and almost gets a few chuckles just with his delivery alone but it’s a lost cause.

This movie reportedly cost a lot of money to make and it looks like they were playing everything so safe that they were afraid to put any funny in the movie because funny is edgy and might disturb people.

10

I think you’re giving the movie too much credit. The movie seems fairly unconcerned with Evan proving himself right to the reporters. It’s more concerned with the sappy “spend more time with your kids” message and the denouement is about Joohn Goodman being exposed as corrupt.

It’s just really badly written. I get the feeling the script was reworked a lot, so it’s patchy and inconsistent and cobbled together. I think they were so concerned about finding a way to stage a flood that didn’t kill anybody that they forgot to include an explanation for the animals.

I really did get a sense that there may have originally been another script that was reformatted to be a Bruce sequel and that it wasn’t vetted well for continuity (like the conversation about Evan getting “fired” for instance-- that would be explainable if that dialogue was an artifact from an earlier script where the character had a real job).

11

Diogenes “The Best Movie Critic Evar” the Cynic. That was fantastic, my gf loves the Office so she would want to see this, thanks for the ammo.

12

I have to ask, Diogenes, since you seem like a pretty astute person, what prompted you to see this in the first place? The trailers and ads pretty much screamed SUCK at the top of their lungs. Did your kids want to see it?

13

Just this morning, I read that was exactly the case. I forget the source, though. Might’ve been The Onion.

14

I had to take a client to see it for my job (I do in-home services for people with disabilities). I tried to talk him into a different movie. I failed. This guy has a taste for bad comedies. He especially likes Adam Sandler and the Wayans Brothers. My job can be brutal sometimes. He’s really psyched about that Adam Sandler gay marriage thing that’s coming out in a couple of weeks. That one is going to hurt.

15

Damn, that sucks. Did your client like it?

16

Something else I just remembered. There’s a travesty on the soundtrack too. Some kind of country version of the Beatles’ “Revolution.” I heard John Lennon sobbing in his grave.

17

He loved it. On the way out he said his favorite parts were when the birds were shitting on people.

18

well, I guess we now know the intended audience for the movie.

19

I think it’s wrong for people who like bad movies to go around claiming that it’s a disability. Just wrong!

20

The reason there’s no controversy is that the movie is clearly aimed at the “churchy” demographic, and they don’t like controversy. It’ll probably do a lot better than it deserves at the box office because it’s considered “safe” by the Ed Flanderses of the world.