I Pit My Roommate-With-Benefits, or; Please Give Me Relationship Advice

The BBQ Pit
1

For about two years i’ve had an intimate relationship with a woman who i’ll call Dee. We’ve been seeing each other a few times a month and it’s never gone past a “friends-with-benefits” state, which i’m pretty happy with to be honest, as neither of us have expressed any interest in going any further than that. I haven’t been seeing anyone else during this time, but it’s been implied - if not stated outright - that she’s been seeing other guys during this time, and I haven’t really had a problem with that either.

Last month problems developed with my former roommates that drove me to look for a new place to live. At the same time, one of Dee’s roommates, who had the bedroom adjacent to hers, moved out, and she offered to rent the room to me. I took her up on the offer, paid her the first months’ rent, and moved in last week, and everything seemed hunky-dorey.

Last night, while I was at wor, Dee had a BBQ with a few friends of ours. One of the attendees was a man i’ll call “Scott”. Scott is a mutual acquaintance of ours from a chat room we frequent. He lives on the other side of the country and neither of us had met him in person before, and as far as I know he doesn’t know about our relationship. When I got home from work at about 10:30 PM, the fete seemed to be winding down, so I just said hello and goodnight to everyone and headed into my room. At about 1:30 AM, however, I was laying in bed, trying to get to sleep, when I heard a very distinctive noise emanating from Dee’s room.

In case you haven’t guessed yet, Dee and Scott were having sex.

LOUD sex.

After a few minutes of listening to it I couldn’t take anymore and decided to go lie down on the living room couch, on the other end of the house. I could STILL hear it. Not only is Dee NEVER that loud when she’s with me, but from the sound of their banter it was pretty obvious that they were probably doing anal sex, which she’s NEVER EVER even let me THINK about doing with her. As of now, just before noon, Scott’s car is still parked in front of the house, and i’m STILL hearing occasional inappropriate noises coming from the room - ANOTHER thing that never happens when i’m with her.

I don’t know whether to cry or throw up - I just feel so wrong in the pit of my stomach about all this right now and I don’t know how to react. Sure, I knew Dee was probably dating other guys and I didn’t feel bothered by it. It’s another thing entirely to hear her going at it with a man she’s known for all of six hours and evidently having a far better time than she’s ever had with me, and it’s certainly disrespectful to do it so damn loudly when she knew perfectly well that I was awake in the next room.

What do I do about this? I know she has the right to do whatever she wants in her own bedroom, but this is my house now too and I just feel incredibly wronged, as a friend and as a lover, by her actions. At the same time, I don’t want to lose her as a friend and I don’t want to have to go looking for another place to live already. Any Dopers who’ve been through this kind of situation before have any advice?

2

I’m sorry you put this in the Pit, because you’re going to get answers like…

Stop lying to yourself. You want her to be exclusive with you. You say you are Oh So Cool with this “friends-with-benefits” stuff but you’re not. Those are incredibly hard relationships to be in because inevitably one person is lying about how they feel. That person is you.

You are letting your true feelings show by comparing her sex with dude to your sex with her.

Maybe she’s putting on a front by dating other guys and she’s lying to herself too. Ask her. If she’s not into being exclusive, and you’re not into hearing about it (literally) then hie thee to another abode.

3

Agreed with ZipperJJ! You moved in with her, she did you a favor, and now you expect her to conform her living style to you? how could it be disrespectful what she’s doing - does she even know what you’re feeling? Is she supposed to read your mind?

4

I think she was being rude and maybe somewhat disrespectful, as a friend and roommate, by being that loud and obvious while you were in the house. Anything that keeps a roommate awake or makes him/her uncomfortable is to be avoided if possible. But as a “lover” I’d say not. She’s doing what you know she does, and she never told you otherwise. If you don’t like it you need to clarify the relationship or get used to what it really is. I have a feeling you’re headed for some rough waters here. I hope things work out.

5

Yeah, I’m sorry you put it in the pit, also.

So, you’ve had an intimate relationship with this woman for two full years, and you still haven’t figured out how to please her as much as this guy who’s known her for six hours has? No wonder she’s looking elsewhere for satisfaction.

6

It’s not that I expect her to “conform her lifestyle to me” or anything like that. The fact of the sex really doesn’t bother me as much as the up-frontness of it, especially when she’s never so much as mentioned her sex life outside of me to me before. I won’t get a chance to talk to her about it until tonight because I have to work the evening shift again, and as of now I think they’re both still asleep, and to tell the truth I don’t even have the slightest idea how i’m supposed to feel in a situation like this.

7

This is the Pit, so we can be blunt here.

  1. You and she aren’t “intimate” - you two fuck each other on a mutually non-binding, non-exclusive basis.

  2. She has no obligations to you in regards to her conduct when she’s not fucking you.

  3. She’s open/honest/careless enough to cheerfully fuck some other guy in your presence - see 1. and 2. above.

  4. It was a bad idea to share housing with an FWB/“Fuck Buddy”. A friend with benefits is basically a fuck buddy who is a friend - which is why these things frequently implode.

8

I can’t say for sure, of course, but my first thought was that she was tying to make a point with you of some kind.

9

That’s what really worries me the most. Is she trying to say i’m too close, or too distant, or not good enough, or what? She hasn’t given me any indication to think I haven’t been good enough for her in bed, but having heard all this just makes me feel inadequate. From what a few of you are saying, i’m not even sure if i’m right to feel wronged by any of this.

(sigh) I guess I just need to sit down with her and sort all this out.

10

Move out, find a real relationship, and unless you’re 17, stop frequenting chat rooms. :stuck_out_tongue:

11

smapti, (In response to the last line of post 9)

Absolutely. Despite having no experience with any element of your present relationship, I’d suggest you start out by mentioning that the “walls are kind of thin” and this incident caused a minor epiphany about the desirability of setting up rules of behavior with respect to roommates. I don’t think the details of what she did with the other guy are any of your business–and I’m pretty sure mentioning details to her is more likely to cause her to decide not to be friends with you, (roommates with you, or a person with benefits with you ) rather than any other outcome. And you are certainly entitled to tell her some form of “I didn’t mind our non-exclusive relationship as long as I didn’t know any details about any other relationships you had, but even just knowing that you stayed in bed with this guy from midnight till noon is too much information”. Just be cautious–she’s entitled to say “Take me the way I am or leave me”.

12

Oof! Talk about hitting the man with the Two-By-Four o’ Truth when he’s down! :eek:

Seriously, though, this whole “friends-with-benefits” thing never seems to be as free and easy in practice as it is in discussions of the hypothetical. Eventually someone feels slighted, embarassed, ignored, trapped, obligated, or just wants more or less or something different than the other person wants…but because both parties have agreed that it’s all casual and friendly, you can’t have a Big Talk about Issue and Feelings, because you’ve collectively agreed that they don’t exist. (Talk about your invisible elephants… :smack: ) And likely as not they seem to end up with someone expressing hurt, either in vocal, vandalizing, or silent skulking method. Or sometimes they’ll rub it in your face; say, by having exotic sex in the room next to you with another person that isn’t you and not part of your fantasy. I’d guess Sarahfeena is on the right track: you’ve been getting a little too intimate outside the bedroom, and roommate/fuck-buddy/former friend wants to put you in your place. Or, maybe she just gets off on making you insane. Or maybe she just came across a piece of action she couldn’t pass up on. Et cetera, ad nausum.

I think the lessons learned here are thus:[ul][li]Don’t fuck your friends.[]Don’t be more than casually friendly with your “fuck-buddy”.[]Don’t invite a casual lover to become a roommate or vice versa.[]In general, don’t mix business and pleasure, or friendship and bedsheets.[]If you don’t want to know, make it clear that you don’t want to know, or have it rubbed in your face, or otherwise informed against your will.[]Don’t expect that a casual lover is going to live by some unspoken set of rules (even basic curtesy) that have never been discussed.[]Just because it’s all casual and shit, don’t assume that there aren’t some kind of underlying attachments.[]You should learn how to please even a casual lover or “friend-with-benefits” if you want to measure up in the annals (or anals) of her personal history and esteem.[]Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sing the blues. Go down to the record store, get a couple of John Lee Hooker albums and go to town.[/ul]Regardless of whether you keep on with this girl as a friend or lover (I think both careers likely have a very short future duration) you should find another place to live, and be honest about why you’re doing it, i.e. that you can’t cope with both living with her and having a non-exclusive sexual relationship. [/li]
This whole business is why I just can’t cope with humanity. It’s all too farking complicated and messy. Chess, now there’s a game I can play…

Stranger

13

What do you want out of the situation? A threesome? Noisy sex with her? or exclusivity from her?

If it were me, I would say “Hey, the next time that Scott comes over, can I join in?” OR “Hey, that sounded pretty hot the other night . . . how’s about you give me some of that same sweet loving” OR “Baby, I can’t believe you’re cheating on me again! Dump that dude and be MINE”

If she says “no,” you say “Aww comon, I’ll buy you a dozen roses.” If she says “no” again, then find a new place to live.

14

Words of wisdom from a true “playa”.

Well, it made me laugh more than anything else today, anyway.

Stranger

15

I’m not sure which one of those it is, of course…but I’m not sure I’d jump to the conclusion that it’s something bad. I think you are right that you need to talk to her. At this point, you kind of have to, or you will be miserable, and your relationship will be ruined, I think.

16

The first rule of roommates, which many people learn in college: Never, ever fuck your roommates.

I learned this lesson the hard way!

PS: I’m not sure what anal sex sounds like. I’m pretty sure that was your imagination…

17

Banter is talk, not noises.

18

Everyone in this thread has offered excellent insights (even the groan-worthy riff).

I’m wondering if she’s actually trying to (immaturely and ineptly) provoke you into making a declaration of a relationship.

19

Sorry to post and run, but wow.

“Roomate with benefits?”

That has to be one of the most spectacularly bad ideas I’ve heard in a long while.

Screendoors on a submarine, invade Iraq, Communism bad.

20

“Darling, if you will take me for your one and only, I will fuck no more for ever with another man.”

Well, it’s not the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of someone doing to win another’s attentions. There is no logic in personal relationships; none whatsoever.

Stranger