So, I was at my college’s gym the other day, when I bumped into a girl that I know. I liked this girl a little, but I freely admit that my flirting was awkward and I did not think this girl had any interest in me at all. I was fine with that, as I was just saying hello. After my greeting, she said to me: “We have to stop bumping into each other like this. There must be some law against it.” Her friend tells her to stop it, and they skitter off. It’s a good thing I had karate practice after that…
Still though, it doesn’t top what an ex-girlfriend was said to her by her now ex-husband, that their young toddler’s pneumonia was her fault because she was a weak mother. I could go on, but I’m afraid this would turn into a pitting.
In college, a friend and I were walking along the street on the way to our dorm. A car with two guys pulled up and one said, “You two are fat but I’d fuck you anyway,” and then they drove off. We both stood there with “WTF?!” looks on our faces. Probably the worst part is that my first thought was, “I am not fat!” (I had a bulky and oversized sweater on, so yeah, I did look it) rather than something about what an asshole he was.
Gladly. I once dated a guy for three days, who broke up with me with the line:
‘‘I’m sorry. I just can’t bring myself to be physically attracted to you.’’
Then there was a very good friend I had, a weird guy prone to saying and doing random things with no preamble whatsoever. One day we were sitting in his dorm room studying and chatting, and he suddenly turned, pointed at me with a thoughtful, almost scientific tone of voice, and said, ‘‘You really have such undesirable qualities for a woman.’’
Man, and that’s just my adult life. Don’t even get me started about junior high.
I try not to reminisce about the bad stuff, but I did have a friend, expressing his unrequited love for me, tell me that I was sometimes the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and sometimes the ugliest. Hmpf.
In high school, a bunch of us were sitting around and a buddy of mine was worrying about what present to get his girlfriend (note: his 1st gf, I’m not sure they had much in common except that he thought he needed one!). He turned to me and said “If you were a real girl, what would you want for Christmas?” Thanks, dude. I think I hit him.
When I was in 7th grade, there was this guy who was relentlessly evil to me–he had no explanation for it, other than he was nice to everyone else and it got boring after a while.
One day we’re sitting in band class.
Him: I saw this movie last night called ‘‘The Beast.’’ It was about this giant ugly sea creature who ate people.
Me: Was it scary?
Him: No. I have to sit next to you every day, after all. Nothing is more traumatic than that.
He then managed to convince every single person in that class to refer to me as ‘‘Beast.’’ To every single person in my band, including incoming freshmen, I was ‘‘Beast’’ from 7th grade all the way up through graduating high school. My very best friends referred to me offhandedly as ‘‘Beast,’’ and they called my Mom ‘‘Mrs. Beast.’’ To her face. Many people in my band did not know my actual first name. By that point, I guess it was a term of… endearment.
Will never forget junior prom, when all of my guy friends stared at me in amazement and sputtered, ‘‘Beast is a girl?!!’’
Ugh, seventh grade After School Activity Program (Seriously, we had such a sweet deal in middle school - we got out at 2 o’ clock instead of 3 o’clock and we could either do a particular activity until 3 or just go home). We were playing badminton and my partner and I lost, and one of the guys on the other team was being such a little shit about his victory. I, feisty female that I am, tapped him on the head with the flat side of my racquet in an effort to get him to shut up. Except my aim was off (maybe that’s why we lost the match) and I kind of caught him with the edge a bit. Still, he was a total pussy about it. He turned to me and said “OW! What was that for?” I was like “How about you shut up about winning?” He counters with the oh-so-clever “Hey, fatty, why don’t you go have some pie?” I kind of stared at him, thinking: “WTF? I don’t even like pie.”
I was standing outside the radio station in a shopping mall, watching the DJ, when a man started talking to me. He invited me up to his hotel room, and the conversation turned to sex. I’ve always been a pretty sharp cookie, and it took me about an hour to convince him that this is not what he wanted to do to me, and I left without being touched.
When I got back to my family and told the story to my mother, she as much as asked me if I was a fag.
“You’re the kind of guy that some lucky girl is gonna marry.”
Thanks, girl that won’t date me. Your prophecy appeases my libido. To the library!
Seriously though, “You’re the marrying type” ranks exactly one step above “You are going to die alone, your grandparents will discover your porn, and you’ll be libeled posthumously as being a necro-homo-pedo”.
In what may have been my own cruelest move against a member of the opposite sex, I once told my now-husband, in an attempt to make him feel better about my reluctance to date him, that I found our bond profound and irreplaceable. Almost as if he were my brother…
Apart from what random guys yell out on the street: once a friend and I were at a party, talking to some dude who was completely trashed. He had been hitting on my friend all night. Suddenly he stops what he’s saying and looks as if he’s had an epiphany.
“This is just like Grey’s Anatomy! We have the white dude, the hot chick, and the Asian chick!”
I burst out laughing at the absurdity of it all, while my friend looks more than offended enough for the both of us. (I’m Asian, by the way. That’s the only way any of this makes sense. )
This guy I used to date kept making references to the (non)fact that I’d been married before, i.e. “You’re awfully young to be divorced.” In fact I had never been married–too young for that, too. Finally I asked him why he persisted in thinking I’d been married and he said, “You look like the kind of woman somebody would have divorced.”
)