That's it, I give up. I just can't fucking do this anymore.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m quitting grad school. After two and a half semesters of putting off funding, a thesis, the in-state tuition application, and doing every assignment the night before it’s due (or in too many cases, not doing it at all,) it’s clear to me I just don’t have what it takes to be in graduate school.

The kicker came tonight. I was given a take home mid-term last Tuesday, due tomorrow (Thursday.) I didn’t start it until about 10:30 tonight, and realized I didn’t understand a single fucking question. Oh, and my other class (the one I have done 1 out of 4 homework assignments for because I don’t understand any of the material,) has an in-class mid-term tomorrow that I clearly won’t be able to pass. I spent most of the last few hours just sitting in my chair, on on the floor, on in my bed sulking and feeling like a complete loser. I broke down and cried multiple times, and was even so frustrated and angry with myself that I slashed a knife across my arm multiple times because I just. don’t. get it. Maybe if I actually started the exam earlier I could have emailed or talked to the professor, but it’s clear by the fact that I didn’t, and that I haven’t started on any of the other things I should have started before I even enrolled, that I don’t have the right attitude to be in grad school. I just used it as an excuse to quit I job I hated, a job that I might have to go crawling back to so I can pay my bills, which are now about $30,000 more thanks to the loans I took out that are now for no reason what so ever.

I feel like a complete fuck up, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. Knowing I can’t finish what I started, knowing I’ll never have a decent job in my field because having a master’s degree is pretty much a solid requirement for even entry-level jobs. I don’t know how I’m going to break this to my parents, who are “so proud” of me for being in engineering grad school, and who are blissfully unaware of any of my struggles and think I’m doing just fine. First, they’ll tell me not to do it, and that I just need to talk to my adviser (who is useless,) or talk to my professors (little late for that, even if I completely turn the semester around and study, go to office hours, etc… the best I could hope for are Cs in both classes, which are really unacceptable in grad school. Then they’ll guilt me by mentioning all the loans I had to take out, and that I’ll still have to pay them back, and blah blah blah. Of course, this will just make me feel worse.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, really. I’ll stay in the area until my apartment lease is up, cause I don’t want to be a douche and bail on my roommates, but it will be hellish trying to pay my bills, since I’ll have to add in another few hundred a month for student loan payments (which are, of course, deferred while I am (was…) in school.) Though I guess with not having to take classes, I can up my hours at work or get a second job (or, as I said earlier, try to get my old job back. I know they still would take me, but damn if I didn’t hate that job.)

Oh well. I know I’m not the first person that this has happened to, nor will I be the last, but it still sucks for me right now.

2

Sorry to hear it, bouv. Grad school can be intense, but should you give up? I have no idea, honest, because that’s a person decision.

I won’t lie, I already have some doubts about going back to school after graduating this time (I get my BA in May) but I still may. My wife has been having a rough time in grad school, but she’s been getting through. Good luck with everything, and just remember that it’s perfectly possible to have a good job and such without a graduate degree. Of course, there are some careers where it is vital, but not every job.

Again, sorry to hear it and good luck…

Brendon Small

3

bouv, first off, that’s rough.

[obligatory warning]

Don’t do anything stupid.

[/obligatory warning]

I know that talking to your profs is going to be really miserable. Still, it’s something you need to do, even if you’re just going to leave school. They may not be able to help you with grad school, but they may be able to point you towards other resources you could use.

I’d also like to say that you sound like you’re falling into a full on depression attack. With plenty of reason, it seems. Because of that I’m going to suggest that you see about getting an appointment with your campus’ mental health clinic. Whatever else you do or don’t do about school, take advantage of your access to health care, now, to at least start some treatment for this fallout from your attempt at grad school.

No. This isn’t a panacea. But I believe that you’re more likely to be better off for seeking treatment before things get further out of hand than you would be for postponing treatment until you cannot deny there’s a problem.

Call it preventative health for your mind and mental health.

Finally, have you been in school constantly since HS? If so, it’s possible you could take a leave of absence from grad school, rather than dropping out. AIUI student loans may be deferred for that (though they may not be, too. It’s been years since I had to worry about student loans myself.) if you can dance through the right hoops.

Above all, good luck, and hang in there. Remember, even if you’ve failed at this, you are not a failure. You can come back from this - I don’t know exactly how - that’s for you to find for yourself - but it is not the sole definition of you as a person.

And let me repeat this:

[obligatory warning]

Don’t do anything stupid

[/obligatory warning]

4

I feel your pain bouv.

And you really need to talk to someone - not your adviser or profs, but maybe a councillor. It may not all be lost for your studies, and it sounds like you still have some options even if you don’t continue.

And don’t be afraid to admit failure - to anyone. Sometimes we hit the wall, but you never know until you start running. It will cost. It will hurt. But you can’t regret trying.

And believe me, it is possible to change your approach to your studies and recover from a pretty bad situation - with co-operation from your teachers. I had two bad years at university, had to repeat courses and finished with C- marks, so could not do a masters degree. And it was unnecessary - if I had talked to someone at the time my issues started, I could have addressed the problems I was having and not missed so many papers in the first place.

But I went back with a new approach, a new course of studies and got a really good second degree. Which is what I have done for 17 years, and I still enjoy it.

All the best.

Si

5

Sure sounds like what I feel like when depressed. Of course I am an English teacher and a hypochondriac to boot.

Stop by and have the Health Center look you over. It may do you a world of good.

6

Giving up isn’t so bad, bouv, and it’s much better to realise now that you’re not suited to it than to make yourself ill by trying to stick at it when you are having trouble coping with it.

I’m sure your family will understand if you tell them how much of a strain it’s been for you.

7

Don’t be too hard on yourself for this.

Often what you learn in grad school is that it’s not for you.

When I was in grad school, I saw many people who would arrive with the intention of completing a PhD and either leave after the first year or leave after 2 years with a master’s degree. I’ve thought for a long while that grad school is something that you can’t know is right for you until you’ve been there. Figuring out if it’s right for you is just part of growing up…

Good luck!

GT

8

Well, I went to my in-class exam today, figuring maybe if I felt I did good enough on it, I would withdraw from the other class, and then I could put all my effort into the one and maybe pull a C out of my ass for it, but that is not going to happen. Out of the 50 possible points I could get on the exam, I’ll be lucky if I got 30. And it was open book/open note, at that. I’m going to go talk to my advisor tomorrow and ask about taking a leave of absence (I’ll start with that before I decide to drop out completely.) I’m also looking into maybe transferring to another school, problem there being that it’s much harder to transfer graduate credits than undergraduate ones, but if I do apply to another school, I’ll do it right and set up funding, research, and a thesis BEFORE I actually start, so at least I wouldn’t have to go more in debt.

9

Did everyone skim right past this?

Bouv. Listen. Get help. Now. Call someone you trust. Call someone you think you can trust. I don’t care. Just call someone - and get help.

This is scary. Both to you and to us. Please find someone - anyone - who can help you.

10

Also wanted to chime in to say that not finishing grad school != failure as a human being.

So yeah I agree with **Rico ** regarding your cutting. That plus the way you’ve said you are a failure as a human being due to not succeeding in grad school means something else is going on inside you. Get thee to counseling.

11

I’ve been in a very similar situation, dealing with school pressures with seemingly no way to get out from under the massive load I had. I was fortunate enough to have someone I could call. She helped me see that my schoolwork was manageable, that my panic was clouding my thinking and I didn’t have to do everything at once.

Absolutely talk to your advisor, but also talk to a counselor. Tell them you’re cutting. This is a very serious thing, and **Rico ** is right - you need to get outside help.

12

bouv, having been under similar pressures myself, you may be taking on too much. To explain, I coasted through high school and the vast majority of my undergraduate degree to the point where I entered graduate school with no real idea of what good study habits are. I had a rude awakening my first semester of graduate school because I was taking one of the hardest graduate courses offered (for Masters or PhD) and, fortunately, I learned some… but apparently not enough. In the spring, I was foolish enough to take 3 PhD courses because I wanted to finish up… all of this, mind you, while working full-time, amongst lifes other obligations… each of these classes was as hard as that first one, and my grades suffered. I normally excel at tests, and I felt like I knew the material, but when I sat for the exam, I couldn’t recall ANYTHING. It was one of the most stressful periods of my life.

That said, one of the largest faults in my study habits that HAD to change FAST was procrastinating. Either way, before you decide graduate school isn’t for you, getting good study habits will still serve you well in other aspects of your life, so it’s worth learning. Further, as I illustrated in my story, you may just be taking on too much… how many classes are you taking? Can you take one or two fewer? DO take into consideration the other things you’re doing as well

13

This is so true, and I wish somebody would have told me before I started. I was one of those people who fully intended to go on to my PhD, and now I’m counting down the days to my MA–just six months to go! WOO! And quite frankly, I’m doing everything I possibly can to keep my head above water–and I’m just barely there. The only thing I’ve really learned is that I don’t want to be in the program, and also, I don’t want to work in academia. Oh, and all the joy and pleasure I ever had got from literature has been utterly destroyed, probably for all time.

bouv, it sounds like a really horrible situation. I second (third? Whatever) the suggestion to go to the health center or the counseling center right away. Professional help could make a huge difference, even if you don’t think you’re ill. I mean, can it really hurt things at this point? Probably not.

14

I sure wouldn’t hire you with that attitude.

15

I feel your pain bouv, and hope it gets better for you.

At least you have an undergrad degree. I had to get a full time job last semester (near the end) and my graded plummeted and put me on academic probation. I have been struggling this semester (both with school and depression), and I feel lost all the time. Lost, confused and not even sure if once I do graduate (scraping by enough JUST to graduate), I will be able to land a job or even be any good at it. I have well over 45k (probably closer to 55k) in student loans, some credit card debt and I am getting married soon. If I fail this semester I am done with school, with huge debt and nothing to show for it. No degree at all. I’m not even sure I could transfer to another school. I might get into a trade school or something.

At least you have some options. My two options are get married, bring my debt into the marriage and be a loser husband, or off myself in shame.

16

In some threads it’s okay to make a joke at the OP’s expense. This is not an example of such a thread. Quit being an ass, diggleblop.

17

That was totally uncalled for. Shame on you.

I was another one of those people who got mostly A’s in High School without ever opening a book and did very well in undergrad engineering at a top school. In fact, I was in the top 10% of my class. I went on to grad school in one of the best grad programs in the country in my field.

Well guess what? Everyone there was at least in the top 10% of their classes which put me squarely at the bottom. For the first time in my life I was getting one of the worst scores on every test. Like, pepperlandgirl, I found that I hated academia and research. I barely escaped with my masters and went on to thrive in industry.

Just take a break. You aren’t a failure, it’s just that this isn’t for you. Sure it was an expensive lesson but you did learn from it. It’ll take some time to recover financially but you’ll be fine.

18

I’m sure that bouv will find your insightful observation both helpful and comforting.

19

I’m willing to bet that your parents’ primary concern is YOUR health and well-being, not this degree or that one.

I hope you’re feeling a little better today. :slight_smile:
I know somebody who’s gonna be paying for the Ph.D. she’s not using for a loooong time - turns out, she didn’t like being a shrink after all. But she loves the career she’s got. :cool:

20

This won’t be a lot of help, but which engineering is your degree in? My company has 5 engineers and only 1 has a Masters in Engineering. The directer has his in Business.

It might not be as bad as you think in the job market.

I left engineering before I got a degree and went into programming instead. I make a good living without any degree. There are always other possibilities.

No matter what, do what **Rico ** said and put the knife down and go get help.

Jim