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  #1  
Old 11-17-2007, 02:29 PM
Attack from the 3rd dimension Attack from the 3rd dimension is offline
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What stupid kids tricks do you teach kids?

I was inspired by this thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...d.php?t=444543 about Jedi Mind Tricks in children, to ask about other kid tricks. I've taught my long-suffering children to say "these are not the 'droids you're looking for" whenever it's applicable (whenever they're in trouble.)

When I was a kid, my brother taught me to say " an international playboy" in response to the question "what are you going to be when you grow up?", but I would actually say "an international playboy...and a surfer" (which was my true ambition).

So: what stupid kid tricks do you teach your, or other people's, kids?
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  #2  
Old 11-17-2007, 02:47 PM
Genghis Bob Genghis Bob is offline
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When my son was just starting to talk, my older sister taught him to say "Fire up Chips!" when she did (being the proud alumnus of Central Michigan University that she is).

I couldn't resist messing with her, using my own child as the mechanism for my diabolical plan. So I re-programmed him before the next family gathering.

The next time we were all together, my sister crouched down in front of my son, cried out "Martin - Fire up, Chips!" . . .

. . . to which he immediately and enthusiastically responded in all innocence, "get a life!"

(It took her ten years to see the humor in it . . . )

Last edited by Genghis Bob; 11-17-2007 at 02:48 PM..
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  #3  
Old 11-17-2007, 03:30 PM
Genghis Bob Genghis Bob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
When my son was just starting to talk, my older sister taught him to say "Fire up Chips!" when she did (being the proud alumnus of Central Michigan University that she is).

I couldn't resist messing with her, using my own child as the mechanism for my diabolical plan. So I re-programmed him before the next family gathering.

The next time we were all together, my sister crouched down in front of my son, cried out "Martin - Fire up, Chips!" . . .

. . . to which he immediately and enthusiastically responded in all innocence, "get a life!"

(It took her ten years to see the humor in it . . . )
It's eighteen years, give or take, since my original dirty trick. Martin is now a sophomore away at college (not Central Michigan). Just out of curiosity, I texted him. . .

Me: "Fire up Chips!"

Two minutes later, no more:

Him: "Get a life."

Hilarity ensued amongst Genghis Redhead and me. So I texted back:

Me: "Pavlov lives!"

Two minutes later:

Him: "Indeed"
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  #4  
Old 11-17-2007, 04:45 PM
DfrntBreign DfrntBreign is offline
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One of my daughter's first complete sentences was "This isn't rock and roll! This is....GENOCIDE!!!!!!!!!! ".

A couple of months ago I taught her 3-yr-old son to say (with fist aloft), "ANARCHY! ANARCHY!" We were walking into the grocery store at the time.

I love parenting.
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  #5  
Old 11-17-2007, 06:37 PM
UntouchedTakeaway UntouchedTakeaway is offline
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Mine pales in comparison with "Genocide!" , but when I was a kiddo back in the 60s, my father would give me a salt shaker & tell me that if I could sprinkle salt on a bird's tail, I could catch the bird. Let's just say I wasn't a quick study, but it finally did dawn on me that of course! if I could get close enough to do that to a bird, I probably *could* catch the damned thing.

It kept me out of his hair for quite a while

VCNJ~
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  #6  
Old 11-17-2007, 08:04 PM
Jammer Jammer is offline
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I have a 5, 8, and 10 year old. When folks ask them what they are studying in school (a normal kid-friendly question), they have been taught to say "Poetry!" When they are invariably asked about a favorite poem, with true Tar Heel glee they recite...
Wake is fake.
Duke is puke.
But the team I hate
is NC State.
I realize this means little to about 99.99% of the world's population, but in ACC basketball country it always gets some kind of reaction.
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  #7  
Old 11-17-2007, 08:11 PM
Spice Weasel Spice Weasel is offline
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My Aunt, who was 13 years old when I was born in 1983, taught me to say, ''I LOVE DURAN DURAN!'' at any spare moment.

This brainwashing actually infiltrated my dreams. I remember as a wee lass, dreaming of a giant white staircase with golden french-style doorknobs. I would ascend the glittering stair open the doors, and there would be my Aunt, chilling in her bedroom, her walls and ceiling plastered with Duran Duran posters, and she would chant, ''I love Duran Duran! I love Duran Duran!''
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  #8  
Old 11-17-2007, 11:50 PM
Joey P Joey P is offline
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My daughter is just about two, so she isn't really speaking just yet. Anyhow, since the day she was born, I've been telling people that as soon as she's physically able to say it, I'll teach her to say 'lumberjack"
"What to you want to be when you grow up?
"I want to be...a lumberjack"
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  #9  
Old 11-18-2007, 12:05 AM
Tool of the Conspiracy Tool of the Conspiracy is offline
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When they were little, I taught my daughters to say "Woot! Woot!" while making the "raise the roof" hand motion.
My sister the basketball fan taught her daughter how to say "Arvydas Sabonis".
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  #10  
Old 11-18-2007, 12:29 AM
Queen Tonya Queen Tonya is offline
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Not quite a stupid kid trick, but I indoctrinated all of my friends kids and neicephews into loving Barry Manilow's Copacabana. Since I have a big vehicle and often haul a passel of them here or there, it amuses me to have them all grooving and singing at the top of their lungs when we arrive. Great earworm to give them back to the parents infected with, too.
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  #11  
Old 11-18-2007, 08:33 PM
Dragwyr Dragwyr is offline
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I have proudly taught all my kids to respond in the following "Python King Arthur" way. When I do anything that requires me to do a 1-2-3 count with my kids I do this:

Me: Ok. Ready? One... Two... Five!

Kid: Three, Sir.

Me: Three!

My wife thinks I am absolutely nuts.

Last edited by Dragwyr; 11-18-2007 at 08:34 PM..
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  #12  
Old 11-18-2007, 08:41 PM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragwyr
I have proudly taught all my kids to respond in the following "Python King Arthur" way. When I do anything that requires me to do a 1-2-3 count with my kids I do this:

Me: Ok. Ready? One... Two... Five!

Kid: Three, Sir.

Me: Three!

My wife thinks I am absolutely nuts.
I love it!

We haven't taught the toddler anything too terrible (except to shake his finger at the cat, and say 'No, no, no, no, no, Oscar!" - which comes out more like 'Doe, doe, doe, doe, DOE, Os-cah!"), but I can't wait to teach him stuff like this.

We're already pretty sure we're going to be the parents who get the calls from school that start "Mrs. S., do you know what your son said today?".

Granted, when we were visiting my mother a few weeks ago, I ran out to do an errand, and when I came back, she said "Your son said shit while you were gone". My first reply was "Did he use it in the right context?"

We are freakin' stellar parenting examples.
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  #13  
Old 11-18-2007, 08:43 PM
fessie fessie is offline
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At 18 months when we'd ask them about their favorite show, they'd reply "Jeopa-depa-depa-depa-deeee." (actually have that one on tape)

When they were two, I had them saying "Barney sucks."

After watching Superman my husband taught our son "Say, Jim, that's a baaad outfit!"

They've been known to ask for a "wafer-thin mint" with the appropriate accent.



Oh, and this summer when they were dancing around the living room with their little toy tambourines, my husband had them singing "Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna!"
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  #14  
Old 11-18-2007, 08:44 PM
fluiddruid fluiddruid is offline
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When I was but a bratty little kid, I taught my youngest sister that flipping the bird meant "I love you".

Hilarity ensued.
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  #15  
Old 11-18-2007, 08:48 PM
phouka phouka is offline
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I have a friend who nearly murdered me when I taught her youngest child the "manna manna" song.
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  #16  
Old 11-18-2007, 08:50 PM
Hostile Dialect Hostile Dialect is offline
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FTR, my first word was "shit".
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  #17  
Old 11-18-2007, 10:10 PM
MsRobyn MsRobyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phouka
I have a friend who nearly murdered me when I taught her youngest child the "manna manna" song.
Mahna Mahna is only one of the songs in my five-year-old's repertoire.

He also caps any gaseous emission with "excuse me" followed by "There's your surprise!" We're trying to teach him not to say it outside our house.

As of late, I've been teaching him the University of Texas "hook 'em horns" sign. He hasn't got it quite right, but he's getting there.

Robin
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  #18  
Old 11-18-2007, 10:27 PM
Plan B Plan B is offline
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One pretty standard game with kids around 18 months to two years is to ask questions like: Where's your knee? Where's your head? Where's your nose? And the kid shows off by pointing to the correct body part.

I taught all my kids the correct place to point for "Where's your uvula?"

Interesting follow-up. Later in life, like when they were 10 or so, I asked one or two of them and they'd totally forgotten the answer.

Double follow-up. A minute ago I asked my 15 year old "Where's your uvula?" and he ansered by pointing, rather than saying "In the back of my mouth." So maybe some of the learning stuck.
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  #19  
Old 11-18-2007, 10:57 PM
WhyNot WhyNot is offline
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When righting the child after a diaper change, we sing, "Get up, stand up!" to which she replies, "Stand up for your rights!" and giggles like there's no tomorrow.

She also says, "Later, dude." and "Peace out." I did not teach her those. Stupid hippie friends...
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  #20  
Old 11-18-2007, 11:01 PM
Argent Towers Argent Towers is offline
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I taught my sister the F word at 5 years old (I was 10.)
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  #21  
Old 11-19-2007, 12:36 AM
jackelope jackelope is offline
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I taught my sister's kids to make the following face:
  1. Pull the corners of your mouth outward with your pinkie fingers;
  2. Stretch the corners of your eyes outward with your index fingers; and
  3. Pull your nostrils outward with your middle fingers.

Practice it in a mirror; done properly, it is horrifying. My sister was not pleased.

I also have some friends, a married couple, who recently adopted a beautiful two-year-old who is, developmentally, about at the level of a one-year-old. I've taught her to give me five, which never fails to make her laugh.
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  #22  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:07 AM
tonedef tonedef is offline
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I must admit I do find it funny when i find out a little kid knows a swear word. So i do end up giving them a few more. And when they see you in tears of laughter they just wont stop with the word. I'm sure there parents hate it but oh well not my kids!
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  #23  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:20 AM
Mangetout Mangetout is offline
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I used to say to my kids; "Greetings, human.... if indeed you are human", now they use it on me and others.
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  #24  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:36 AM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tonedef
I must admit I do find it funny when i find out a little kid knows a swear word. So i do end up giving them a few more. And when they see you in tears of laughter they just wont stop with the word. I'm sure there parents hate it but oh well not my kids!
My nephew, who just turned two, can't say 'truck' properly.

So of course, being the good aunt and uncle we are, in Florida in August, we spent a lot of time saying "C! What's this?" and holding up a fire truck.

You haven't seen funny until you see your two year old nephew screaming "FUCK! FUCK!" in front of your 91 year old grandfather.



We were all quite amused. (However, my brother and sister-in-law now swear they will get us back one day.)
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  #25  
Old 11-19-2007, 11:13 AM
Dragwyr Dragwyr is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elza B
I love it!
Yes, I have made it my life's ambition to have all my children able to recite Monty Python quotes under any circumstance. They are becoming quite the MP fans too. They absolutely love "Holy Grail" and they will often request to watch episodes of "Flying Circus" I have on DVD. One of their favorite albums is the soundtrack to the musical, "Spamalot!"

*SNIFF* I'm so proud.
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  #26  
Old 11-19-2007, 11:23 AM
WhyNot WhyNot is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragwyr
Yes, I have made it my life's ambition to have all my children able to recite Monty Python quotes under any circumstance. They are becoming quite the MP fans too. They absolutely love "Holy Grail" and they will often request to watch episodes of "Flying Circus" I have on DVD. One of their favorite albums is the soundtrack to the musical, "Spamalot!"

*SNIFF* I'm so proud.
Just a note: while "Help, help, I'm being repressed!" is funny as shit, it's also completely aggravating when your friend teaches your toddler to scream it in the grocery store while you're steering the kid away from the boxes of Crunchy Sugar Bits (Now With More Corn Syrup!). Mostly 'cause you have to try not to laugh at it while it's being used against you.
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  #27  
Old 11-19-2007, 11:29 AM
KSO KSO is offline
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How to make fart noises with a bendy straw stuck in the armpit. The results are much better than with a hand in the armpit.
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  #28  
Old 11-19-2007, 12:23 PM
Boggette Boggette is offline
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My girls, age 3 & 4 know ALL the referee hand signals for Football. And they perform them on request. My 3 year old's first word was "touchdown", complete with hands in the air. Although it came out more like, "Tadaaaw!"
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  #29  
Old 11-19-2007, 12:40 PM
Attack from the 3rd dimension Attack from the 3rd dimension is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KSO
How to make fart noises with a bendy straw stuck in the armpit. The results are much better than with a hand in the armpit.
I must know: how do you make fart noises with a bendy straw in th' armpit. What is the exact technique?
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  #30  
Old 11-19-2007, 01:03 PM
Tool of the Conspiracy Tool of the Conspiracy is offline
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My older daughter started (mis)telling a knock-knock joke before she was two:
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Who who.
My younger daughter's first knock-knock joke (at about the same age) was possibly even cuter, but it required her accent:
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Iss dust me!

I taught them to say "rock and roll!" whenever I held up "goat horns".
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  #31  
Old 11-19-2007, 02:05 PM
Solfy Solfy is offline
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I have a friend who nearly murdered me when I taught her youngest child the "manna manna" song.
I started the eldest, now three, on Mah na mah na when she was about 2yrs old. Then we had a second child who became obsessed with it. We've got Cake's version of the song on an album, "For the Kids," that the youngest demands any time we're in the car.
Yesterday the cd wasn't in the car. The whole 15 minute drive I was treated to:
Kid #1 (not quite 2yrs old) Mah na mah na
Kid #2 (not quite 4yrs old) Do dooo do doo doo.
Kid #1 Mah na mah na
Kid #2 Do do do do
{repeat x1542 times}
I may have created a monster. Or two.

My mother had a sister four years younger than her. When the little sister was about 2yrs old my mother taught her to respond when asked what time it was with "Half past a monkey's ass, quarter to his balls."
As punishment, she had until dinner time to teach her to say the blessing.
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  #32  
Old 11-19-2007, 02:29 PM
Joey P Joey P is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Attack from the 3rd dimension
I must know: how do you make fart noises with a bendy straw in th' armpit. What is the exact technique?
Bend straw, place one end under arm and the other in mouth...blow.
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  #33  
Old 11-19-2007, 02:40 PM
Sigene Sigene is offline
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I sense a sudden run on bendy straws
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  #34  
Old 11-19-2007, 02:43 PM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragwyr
Yes, I have made it my life's ambition to have all my children able to recite Monty Python quotes under any circumstance. They are becoming quite the MP fans too. They absolutely love "Holy Grail" and they will often request to watch episodes of "Flying Circus" I have on DVD. One of their favorite albums is the soundtrack to the musical, "Spamalot!"

*SNIFF* I'm so proud.
I was listening to Spamalot with the toddler this morning. My goal is to have him learn all of the words to "You Won't Succeed On Broadway If You Don't Have Any Jews" by the time he turns two.
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  #35  
Old 11-19-2007, 03:04 PM
MrFantsyPants MrFantsyPants is offline
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For what it is worth, I have not yet found an 18 month old who cannot quickly learn to hold up a bent index finger and croak "REDRUM! REDRUM! REEEEDDDDDRRRUUUUMMMMM!"
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  #36  
Old 11-19-2007, 05:37 PM
DocCathode DocCathode is offline
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I taught a friend's two year old boy to say "I see dead people."

I've also taught a few kids that the proper response to "What is best in life?" is

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."
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  #37  
Old 11-19-2007, 06:20 PM
tonedef tonedef is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joey P
Bend straw, place one end under arm and the other in mouth...blow.
Just went to my pantry, grabbed a straw and tried it. Works like a charm.
Then i put the straw back into the cub that the rest where in. Now i dont know what straw i had in my arm pit so now we got no more blue straws, had to throw them all out cause i didn't know which was the dirty one
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  #38  
Old 11-19-2007, 07:05 PM
Digital Stimulus Digital Stimulus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsRobyn
He also caps any gaseous emission with "excuse me" followed by "There's your surprise!" We're trying to teach him not to say it outside our house.
A friend of mine had a friend visiting; he passed gas in front of the kids by doing his best karate kick while singing out "Everybody was kung-fu farting!"

For the kids, hilarity ensued (for months afterwards). For the parents, not so much.
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  #39  
Old 11-19-2007, 07:32 PM
Katriona Katriona is offline
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My SIL hasn't been happy with me since a few Christmases ago. I went outside to play with their dogs, and it was muddy, so I came back in covered in paw prints. My niece said something about it, I don't remember what, but my reply was, "Meh, they're just clothes, they'll wash."

That apparently became her catch-phrase, and SIL's laundry load increased, although I understand the kids do some of it now that they're tall enough to reach the controls!
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  #40  
Old 11-19-2007, 07:43 PM
Hostile Dialect Hostile Dialect is offline
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I was gonna say--sounds like a great opportunity to teach the kids Katriona's Corollary: "Meh, they're just clothes, you [the kids] can wash them."

Last edited by fetus; 11-19-2007 at 07:43 PM..
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  #41  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:03 PM
Thalion Thalion is offline
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This thread give me hope for the future of humanity!
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  #42  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:37 PM
Acid Lamp Acid Lamp is offline
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I teach all small children in my care the "mystical Third Eye" You grab a penny, lick it, and stick it to your forehead where it will stick for some time. Occasionally i will accompany this with a mocking version of a faith healer speech. Watching a four year old with a penny stuck between her eyes run up and bop her mum on the head a pronounce that "This child is HEALED!" Is freakin hilarious to me.
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  #43  
Old 11-20-2007, 10:38 AM
Unauthorized Cinnamon Unauthorized Cinnamon is offline
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I didn't realize I was teaching our kid this phrase, but the other day I asked if she wanted to go for a walk, and she sighed and said, "Mommy, I'm not really up for a walk right now."

My husband likes to mess with her head, for instance he'll do this:

Dad: Who goes to preschool?
Tot: I do!
Dad: I do?
Tot: No, me!
Dad: Me?

So I finally taught her when he does stuff like that to just say, "Daddy, stop being a goofball!" She adores saying that.

As I type, my husband is teaching her how to play Oblivion. I think this kind of thing may have contributed to an incident last week. We were watching Elmo in Grouchland, wherein Elmo's blankie gets stolen by the bad guy. She theorized that the way Elmo would get it back was that Big Bird would stab the bad guy with his big beak and kill him. I do expect to have some interesting conversations with her teachers in the coming years.
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  #44  
Old 11-20-2007, 10:59 AM
Hampshire Hampshire is offline
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When my niece (now 19) was very young I taught her that the appropriate way to burp was to cross your eyes and burp out the side of your mouth. It was hilarious however my sister absolutely hated it and detested me for it and made her knock it off. She says she did it all through her school years and still does it now around friends for a laugh.

I also taught her the correct response to anyone asking the question "How do you like school?"
"Closed."
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  #45  
Old 11-20-2007, 05:47 PM
Eggerhaus Eggerhaus is offline
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When my youngest (now 20) was born she had the whispiest blond hair...and almost appeared bald until she was about two years old. I taught her that whenever people commented on her hair she should look up at them with her big blue eyes and sweetly say, "Chemotherapy."

The looks people gave us...
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  #46  
Old 11-20-2007, 05:51 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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My son did a number of amazing tricks. Most notable, the ability to take his underwear off without taking his pants off, and a rather startling trick that he did with one of those pull chains made up of a series of connected metal balls. he would hold one end and swallow the other end part way down his throat. Then he'd kind of cough and snort a little and the end would come out his nose. Then he'd run the chain back and forth through his nasal passage and mouth. Quite amazing to see if you don't get completely grossed out first.
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  #47  
Old 11-20-2007, 08:05 PM
Katriona Katriona is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fetus
I was gonna say--sounds like a great opportunity to teach the kids Katriona's Corollary: "Meh, they're just clothes, you [the kids] can wash them."
Crud - never thought to ask Bro and SIL their thoughts on child labor!
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  #48  
Old 11-21-2007, 07:55 AM
Hypno-Toad Hypno-Toad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elza B
I love it!

We haven't taught the toddler anything too terrible (except to shake his finger at the cat, and say 'No, no, no, no, no, Oscar!" - which comes out more like 'Doe, doe, doe, doe, DOE, Os-cah!"), but I can't wait to teach him stuff like this.

We're already pretty sure we're going to be the parents who get the calls from school that start "Mrs. S., do you know what your son said today?".

Granted, when we were visiting my mother a few weeks ago, I ran out to do an errand, and when I came back, she said "Your son said shit while you were gone". My first reply was "Did he use it in the right context?"

We are freakin' stellar parenting examples.
I would have answered, "Really? 'Cause he aint said shit to us."
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  #49  
Old 11-21-2007, 08:21 AM
Snickers Snickers is offline
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My brother-in-law taught this set of responses to my niece. It's as cute as hell.

"What does a cow say?"
"Mooo."

What does a puppy say?"
"Woof woof woof"

"What does a kitty say?"
"Meow"

"What does Keanu say?"
"Whoa"

Hearing a two-year-old say "Whoa" in that Keanu voice is comedy gold, baby.

Alternately, the last line sometimes was:
"What does Livvy say?" (My niece's name is Olivia; we call her Livvy tons.)
"Hi!"

Also very cute.
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  #50  
Old 11-21-2007, 08:30 AM
Cemetery Savior Cemetery Savior is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DocCathode
I taught a friend's two year old boy to say "I see dead people."

I've also taught a few kids that the proper response to "What is best in life?" is

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."
Wow....when it comes up, I always say that this is the single best piece of dialogue ever written for the movies.

You HAVE to say in an Ahnold-esque voice, though.

-Cem
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