OK, I’ve never asked for relationship advice here before. I’m not really good at this stuff, but I feel the desire to get some views on what’s a very common issue. I’ve done lots of reading in other relationship threads…and I have an idea of what the replies will be here, but I think it will help me to see them in response to my specific situation.
I am seeing a guy. We’re both in our mid-twenties. He lives 3 hours away from me. We met last year, had a brief fling, and there was no pressure for commitment or anything beyond having a good time together. But we got along really well, I liked him, he liked me, we talked about future plans and thing seemed to be progressing to the next level. We spent several weekends together and planned to spend more, but work got in the way. I didn’t see him for 2 weeks, with only a few conversations during that time. Then he drops off the face of the earth and I don’t hear from him for a month. Because of his distance the last two weeks, I had an idea it was going to happen, so I wasn’t surprised and I didn’t get all worked up over it. After that month, he texts me and asks how am I doing, how’s it going. I ignore him. he texts that he’s sorry for his behaviour how he treated me, etc. I ignore him. Repeat for 4 months. Time will go by, he’ll try again, I’ll ignore him, he’ll apologize…
On New Year’s Eve, he was at a party I attended. I ignored him. He tried to apologize again, I brushed him off. He text me a few days later to jokingly say I was rude and couldn’t we work this out? I replied this time, said he treated me with disrespect, why should I bother? He said he was an ass, stupid mistake, he wanted to make it up to me. I said, fine, stop talking and start acting. He came down to help me move and we had a long talk. I told him I was pissed at his behaviour, he said he was confused by my mixed signals, he liked me and wanted more than just a casual thing and he dealt with it wrong. I said I didn’t want to get involved again just to get fucked over a second time, that if he really wanted something with me it would have happened last year. He left, and we met the next day for coffee and more talking. I decided to give him another chance, and see where it went. I told him I wanted it to be more than a casual thing, that he says he wants to be with me, so that’s what we’ll do.
Only…he may be leaving for a new job in a few months. The job could be in Tampa, right around the corner, or it could be California, Atlanta, Boston…who knows? That’s not very conducive to building a relationship, but he seems willing to give it a shot, and I figure I’ll let him prove he’s truly interested.
So, we spent two weekends together, with him driving down to see me, taking me out, and we have a great time. We get along so well, laugh at each other’s jokes, find things to do that we both enjoy…but I can’t stop thinking that this is temporary. That he’ll pull away again, that he’ll drop me like before. Then, at 6am Sunday morning he tells me he’s going to get an early start back home and leaves. 3 hours later he texts me he won’t be leaving until 4pm and do I want to meet up for the day? I ask him where he went, he said to visit family and do some work. I tell him I don’t understand why he said he was leaving, why didn’t he just tell me that?
He comes over and we talk again - he says he just needed to take a break, all weekend was a bit too much for him, he wasn’t used to it. I say I’m not used to it either, but that’s how we get accustomed to one another. And we don’t have to spend so much time together, but since all we have are the weekends and we get along so well, it’s difficult not to spend it all together.
Then I find out he rode down with a friend, and that’s why it was pushed back to 4pm. I’m positive he brought his friend with him last weekend as well.
So now I’m pissed because all of a sudden, we’re spending too much time together? Even though that’s what he said he wanted. I don’t know if he would be coming down if his friend wasn’t coming with him. His actions are starting to conflict with what he’s telling me…and I can see this heading down the same path as before, where he suddenly decides it’s too much or whatever and that’s the end.
To top it all off, I feel like I’m the one making this into a huge issue. I feel like I’m making too big a deal about this, I am getting all worked up and he is so calm and relaxed about it. Oh, it’s perfectly normal for him to feel pressured by spending all weekend together, but when I get annoyed, it’s my problem?? Why do I feel this way? It’s perfectly valid for me to feel how I did, and to feel betrayed when he says he’s leaving and doesn’t – what could be more normal than that? I already have a hard enough time trusting him due to what happened last year, and it’s difficult for me to open myself up and even harder for me to not see his actions and behaviour through a veil of mistrust.
Why do I feel such anger towards him? How can I be with someone I distrust so much, someone it seems I have no commitment from, no future with?
Not a very solid foundation for a long lasting relationship…Move on. You answered your own question with your last two sentences. How can you be with someone you distrust so much? Short Answer is: You can’t.
Don’t you think you deserve to be with someone you can trust and someone that values who you are?
Oooh, I’ve always wanted to be the one who gets to say this: When someone shows you who they are, your job is to see.
Deep, huh? 
Seems like you’re smitten with him. He’s just along for the ride. You’re not being an idiot about how you feel about him or want to be with him, he’s just being cleverly crafty with the whole situation.
You did a good job ignoring him before. Try it again.
Weird how the profoundly true stuff sounds like a greeting card slogan, isn’t it?
Yep, I agree with everyone else – don’t set yourself up to get hurt more here.
It sounds like neither of you really knows what you want. Also, part of the attraction, at least on hsi part, sounds like it’s as a result of reverse psychology (albeit unintentionally). You pull away and he wants you back. Okay for a fling, not for a relationship. And if you continue the relationship, you will be the one waiting for calls, rehashing arguments in your head, second guessing yourself, and he will be (or pretend to be) oblivious. Doesn’t sound balanced.
Just to recap, he jerked you around once, you avoided him for awhile, gave him a second chance, and now he is jerking you around again, correct? He’s flaking out on you, telling you that he may move to Tampa or move to California.
Are you happy in this relationship? What are you getting out of this relationship?
Sounds like you are trying not to ruin a bad thing.
Sometimes only three words need to be said:
Lose that number…
Well, the replies are exactly what I expected. I was cringing as I wrote the OP…when did I become that girl, you know?
I’m happy with the ideal of him, but not the entire picture. I want a relationship that I can look at from every angle and feel secure and wanted, feel trust and openness. This isn’t it.
So…it looks like I will be having a “goodbye” conversation tonight.
Ignoring him is easy. Saying goodbye is easy. It’s not repeating my mistakes that’s hard.
It’s easy when he’s in another city.
Long distance relationships are incredibly hard work. They can be worth it for the right person, but it seems clear that this is not the right person for you.
Maybe you can keep having periodic flings when he lives elsewhere; maybe, during that time, you’ll be able to work out all the other stuff and decide that he is the right person. If so, then your relationship could work. If not, then don’t sweat it.
If your location wasn’t across the country from me, I would have swore you were writing the OP about me. I can all but guarantee that he was seeing somebody else during those four months that was more convenient for him. When it didn’t work out, he tried to smooth talk you again. If that’s not the case, I believe he would have tried harder. I sure would have.
If he’s already lying about tons of small crap at this point, why do you expect that to get better in time? Not worth the mental anguish in my opinion, just move on.
That’s exactly the point. That’s what I expected from him this time around…to make an effort, to show me he wanted to be with me, not just move his lips around.
If I am feeling this way, obviously he failed.
It just not how I treat people, so I have a hard time thinking other people will treat me that way. I can’t jump from one person to the next, if that was the reason he disappeared. So he found someone better…good for him! Why did he feel the need to push back into my life and pretend he was going to prove himself this time? What does he possibly get out of it? How good will he feel when the dance is up and I say “See ya!” If he does this on a regular basis, think of how many people have zero respect for him. How is that a way to go through life?
Just to reiterate: Curb. Ass. Kickin’s. You know the drill.
You’d already decided you’d had enough when you wrote the OP - and that’s a good thing. Stick to it. He sounds like he’d make a really great casual friend or friend-with-benefits, and a really lousy long-term partner. Don’t let his words speak louder than his actions; actions are what will show you what he really wants, as opposed to what he says he wants.
Well, I can’t answer the questions for the guy in question, but I can answer them from my perspective of the nearly identical situation I’ve been in for the last few years. I dated this gal who lived about two hours away when I was in college. We talked on the phone quite often, and one of us was always traveling through the other’s town for one reason or another. We broke up about three years ago, but decided that we liked each other enough that we decided that we’d act like we were together when we were in the same town, but be free to do whatever we wanted when we weren’t (her idea, not mine). Our communication has waxed and waned throughout the last few years, but we had a chat this weekend, and she’s pretty much feeling like you are right now.
Now, she’s really awesome, the type of girl I want to marry. I’m more convinced than her that it won’t work out, the distance being one of the major contributing factors. I have a hard time remembering to call people when I’m supposed to, especially when they’re , “out of sight, out of mind,” so to speak. It’s not that I pretend I’m going to prove myself, and show that I give a shit. I really do give a shit, but other things get in the way. It’s a horrible excuse, because if I cared enough, obviously I’d make the time necessary to make a phone call, or drive to her parents house to hang out (we have the same hometown, but didn’t know it until both of us had moved away), or otherwise make an effort.
When the dance is over and she’s out of my life for good, I won’t be happy, but I’ll easily move on. It sucks, but I just can’t be bothered to make an effort with somebody I’m only going to see twice a month, at best.
Please note that your situation is quite different than mine, in that we’ve been friends for years and dated for at least one. A lot of the advice in this thread has been to forget about him and don’t look back. That’s probably your best bet at this juncture, because I seriously doubt things are going to change as long as you don’t live in the same town. I just wish I would show how much I cared, instead of just thinking it.
I don’t know…
- You’re upset because you drifted apart for a month and he never called, but then you got back together and everything seemed fine.
- Then you’re upset because he left your place at 6:00 A.M. to get an early start but didn’t actually leave town.
- Then you’re upset because he needed a break after spending all weekend with you.
- Then you’re upset because one of his friends accompanied him on the 3 hour drive between cities.
Sounds to me like you’re looking for something permanent, and he’s not quite ready for that level of commitment yet. That might not be a reason to totally abandon the guy. You’re both young. I used to get exactly the same after feeling “cooped up” after a weekend with someone at that age. Not because I didn’t really like her, but because I still wanted to do “guy” things like go to bars, get drunk, watch sports, and just hang out with the guys sometimes. It had nothing to do with what i thought of her, and everything to do with my still wanting the freedom I was accustomed to.
Again, i don’t know. Do you have to have total commitment and control over him? Because maybe that’s how he’s feeling.
No, because we were involved for several weeks, talking nearly every day when all of a sudden he disappeared. Not a word from him for over a month. When he finally did get in touch he acted like nothing happened, then when he saw I wasn’t happy, he started apologizing. It was 4 months later when I finally talked to him again.
No, because he lied. He knew he wasn’t leaving, because he went to see relatives and work.
Yeah, after he professed to missing me and wanting to be with me and wanting to prove to me that he cared.
Yeah, because he didn’t tell me until forced to, until there was no way around it.
Then why didn’t he just say that from the beginning? Why the subterfuge? Is he trying to convince me or himself?
Perhaps both, I reckon. Commitment to a long-term relationship can be difficult.
You’re after different things from the relationship. Sounds like it’s time to move on to me.