Cupid hates me. The feeling's mutual.

I finally met the perfect guy. Quiet, sensitive, gorgeous inside and out, funny, creative, intelligent, ad nauseum.

I convinced him to move 1500 miles to be with me. He was here for 5 month… he went back to his hometown to visit his friends and family for two weeks over his birthday… (the two weeks ends this coming Wednesday) and Ive talked to him 3 times since he left. Once, I called to wish him happy birthday and he was almost asleep. twice I managed to catch him online and he seemed okay… but not gushy or "I miss you"ish. Twice he;s been online and not responded to me. That could be a million things and probably doesnt relate to this story.

Im scared as hell he’s not gonna come back. I dont know where all of this insecurity has sprung from… but I have a 6 yr old son that loves him and I love him and Ive been reduced to a pining schoolgirl in less than two weeks and am basically going insane.

I guess I just need some sort of affirmation that sometimes guys need alone time and maybe it doesnt mean he suddenly hates me.

Maybe “quiet” shouldnt have been a pre-requisite for love. Now I havent the slightest clue how he feels. Ugh

Ugh ugh.

I think this would be easier if I could just distract myself long enough to get a grip.

I’m not a guy Malkavia, so I can’t answer your question about men needing space, but I can atleast understand how frustrating ‘not knowing’ is when you’re in love. I am madly in love with my best friend, and despite the numerous clues I drop to this effect, he still hasn’t said anything to me. I don’t know if he is catching my clues or not! And I am absolutely going crazy trying to figure out if he feels the same/is sending his own signals, or really just isn’t attracted to me. :confused:

Maybe what you’re going through is separation anxiety, Malk. I’m not absolutely sure what that is but it sure sounds like it should mean what you’re feeling.

You really don’t have cause to panic. Look, being home with family and old friends can be great but it can also cause a kinda spacey, time-warp feeling, too. Could be he’s just a bit zoned out. It can be weird going home and finding out you don’t really fit in there anymore.

Hang in there. Don’t borrow trouble, okay? I’m betting he’ll be back to you on Wednesday and happy to be there.

Wishing you good luck,
Veb

I have to preface this by saying that all men are different and all relationships are different, so my experience might not apply to your situation. That having been said, I did go through something quite similar.

I met my boyfriend over the Internet. We chatted almost every night, etc., etc. Things were variously hot and cold over a period of about four years, until finally they became hot and stayed hot. I made the decision that I would move to Seattle to live with him. A few months before this happened, he came to visit me in Chicago for a week. It was fabulous. We had a great time.

When he left, I was depressed because I missed him. I logged on, waiting for his emails, waiting for him to show up online. He didn’t. He sent a terse two-line email when he arrived. I immediately wrote a huge three-page missive in return. No response. I finally caught him online a week later and asked why he’d been avoiding me and got no real answer.

Gradually, things began to warm up again. I moved to Seattle as planned, and things have been great ever since. I mean, really great. I’m going on year 2 of cohabitation, and let me tell you, it is bliss. I have talked to the boyfriend about the weird silence I got from him after his visit, and he said that it was two things: 1) he’d just spent a lot of intense time with me and needed a cooling off period, and 2) he was sorting some things out in his head, making sure he really wanted to be with me – both of us considered moving in with each other to be a pretty big decision.

Now, I consider him to have been at fault for not SHARING any of this with me at the time. His silence was extremely hurtful then. But, it wasn’t a signal that the relationship was on the rocks. He’s just the type of person that needs a lot of time to think and isn’t good at expressing himself during these times.

I don’t know if this is any help to you at all, but I thought I would share. Good luck to you and I hope it works out for the best! HUG

I’m a guy. I need lots of alone time.

Read a book, give the house/flat a spring cleaning, go shopping… NOW! :wink:

hmm… my boyfriend lives far away and for half a year we only email… I am never certain what s going on (does he really want me to come over or am I just getting on his nerves? what is going on with this and that?!) but usually I am just “seing things”.
When I finish school in June I ll move to England (it is now no longer “maybe” but “almost certainly”) and then I ll find out how things really are. Quiet guys… sheesh…

So read that book now :slight_smile:

dodgy

I kinda see what yer saying. . .

I’m hanging around a chick up here who’s making what (and my words to her) “A jury of your peers would convict you of making a pass at me. . .” SHE says she doesn’t want to date and play the game, yet she’s firing shots that would escalate any small border skirmish into a conventional war. Freakin’ jeez. . .
All I want to know is: Who the hell decided to arm a baby with a freakin’ bow and arrow? Like, the damn kid just points and fires! A little irresponsible, isn’t it? Damn kids. . .

Tripler

<hijack>

    Hey Trip - maybe she just wants to ride your Zamboni without an emotional commitment. See what happens if you respond to her flirt/pass. Best of luck.

</hijack>

Hang in there, Sweetie. BornDodgy has some good suggestions. I tend to be more insecure in my present relationship than my s.o., because I openly share my feelings, and he just assumes that I know everything is okay, even if he doesn’t say much about anything. I don’t know if that is a gender thing, or just peculiar to this particular relationship.

Try not to worry, and keep us informed.

I just don’t get it dude. She and I went to a hockey game, and she loves it. So, she loves Zambonis. But, when I ask her what the hell she means by some of her comments, it’s like “Oh that’s how I am. I’m blunt, and I’ll tell ya what I think!”

Call me crazy, but you don’t say “I like that shirt on you.” followed a sentence later with “You’ve got a nice ass.” only to later be cumulated with “You are an adorable asshole.” to someone and not expect some confusion. “I’m just so sick of playing the game. I don’t want to play the dating game anymore . . .” - Yeah, well, you are.

Lurk I think she’s trying to spring a neutral zone trap on me. It’s getting late in the 3rd and I’m down by 2, but I’m afraid to pull the goalie just yet. . .

Tripler

Hi, malkavia. I don’t have much to offer beyond “I know the feeling.” My bf and I have never been apart for as long as two weeks (we live close to each other and work in the same building) but we have gone through some periods where he was clearly pulling back a bit. All I can say is, we’ve gotten through them. I am learning to try to draw him out a bit more during these times (within reason-- badgering is a no-no, but “Are you ok” suffices to convey concern), and also to let him know when I’m angry or worried. Just keeping the communication going, really; in many ways I’m overcoming my own insecurities by addressing stuff like this rather thing letting myself fester in a pit of anxiety.

Trip,

        Remember movement can beat the trap, look for openings in the D and put out a lead pass or two to open up the ice. And don't be afraid to dump and chase in her zone if she doesn't back up at the blue lines.

(now we have lost maybe 75% of the board…)

Understood,

But I don’t have a tendency to connect passes well, and I tend to go offsides at times. I think if I can set 'em up a diamond or square and steal for a breakaway, I might have a chance. I can outskate anyone - I just need the breakaway for the SOG.

Tripler
Ooh codewords. Ooh . . . :smiley:

Oh, one warning, Trip - getting advice on love from me is like getting advice on building a franchise from Mike Milbury…

The mystery is over. He explained yesterday that he misses his home and he wont be returning to Phoenix.
Im devestated.

Malkavia,
I’m sorry.

He’s leaving.

He’s back home right now testing the waters with his friends and family, seeing how much loss of face will be involved in moving back. Arranging a new job and a couch to sleep on until he can rustle up the cleaning deposit.

A child from a previous relationship is a lot of emotional and financial baggage and not a guy’s first choice. Sure, we all know a couple where the guy accepted the kid with open arms, but in those situations the fella was crazy about the girl, right? The two weeks of tepid oatmeal dont suggest that this is the case.

I don’t know you, malkavia, so please forgive the presumption. {{{{malkavia}}}} I hope you feel better soon.

Since I can’t think of anything else to say: {{{{{malkavia}}}}}

Been there and it sucks worse than anything.

As a male, I apologize for my sex.

Still, and I know this is no consolation now, it is better that you know now rather than later. If he were no more up front than he was, he is a coward and a jerk. I’m sorry, but he was and is. I think if you think about it, you will realize that he would not have been any good for either you or your child. I mean look how he handled this situation.

You do realize that don’t you?

Of course you don’t. What am I saying. This is not a rational time. It never is. I’m sorry. He’s a jerk. Go kick something. Sometimes it helps.

TV