The Cute One is a peanut poopy-head (long, pathetic)

Background: The Cute One and I have been dating for about three months. Overall, things are good, but about every other week he’ll surprise me with “we need to talk” about problem X that he’s having. First it was he needed more time to himself. Fine, I acknowledge that I tend to come on pretty strong when I’m getting into a relationship. Next, it was no, really, he really needs more time to himself. 'Kay, I’ll spend more time with my other friends, but you have to start saying no when you don’t want to hang out, instead of agreeing every time and then springing this discussion on me every Saturday night. Things got better when I moved in June - I’m now living with my two best friends, instead of three blocks away from him.

Next problem: I have to stop planning things. Wait, you remember right after when we started dating, when I warned you that I plan everything, right? And you said, “That’s good, 'cuz I’m terrible at planning,” right? Yeah, but having things planned makes him feel obligated and think about how little free time he has. Okay, well, so what’s planning? How 'bout not more than a day ahead. Okee-dokee, that’s actually turning out to be a good way of keeping some of my more type-A tendencies in check.

But wait, there’s more! Physical affection, i.e. cuddling on the couch, etc. isn’t doing anything for him. He used to enjoy it, both physically and emotionally, but now he doesn’t, and he doesn’t know why, and he’s all stressed out about it. Stop worrying, I say, whenever I start thinking too much about something like that, it just makes it worse. Let it go, and it’ll probably resolve itself. But he should enjoy cuddling! But you don’t, and stop using that word. But what is he going to do about it? Well, if you don’t know what’s going on with yourself, then I certainly don’t either. Go see a doctor, s/he can at least tell you if it’s a mental or physical problem, and direct you to someone who can better help you.

But I’m a “perfect girlfriend” and he “doesn’t deserve” me and I shouldn’t date him just because I don’t think I can find anyone else. Well thanks, Hon, but I haven’t spent the (large span of) time between my last guy and you just sitting on my hands. You “don’t deserve” me? Tough shit, you’re the one I want. And what’s up with this low self-esteem BS? It just doesn’t fit you.

Wow, that was a lot more background than I’d intended. Anyway, so it comes down to

FTR, the NH thing is a choir retreat this weekend; he’ll be back on Monday. We’ll be back together when he gets his shit together. I’m about this close { } to being in love with Peanut Poopy-Head, we’re very compatible and dear Og he’s so cute, and I know that every relationship involves some compromising, but AAARRRRGH! One of my roommates (male) assures me that this is “standard rate male weirdness.” I could use some older, wiser Doper perspective. And I needed a chance to vent. Thanks for putting up with me, I probably sound like I’m back in high school . . . where’s that pukey smiley, again?

…Umm… How much more evidence do you need that he’s done with the relationship but doesn’t have the balls to end it?

Compatible? You’re opposites, dear, and he’s pulling some passive-aggressive crap on you. And who cares if he’s cute? That’s good for photos and walking down the street, but it’s character that matters.

Well, you’ve done the compromising. What has he done to compromise?

Not if you find a decent guy, it isn’t.

Put yourself back out on the market and see what else is out there.

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be expecting a phone call any time soon. My best guess is that he’s hoping you’ll forget all about him while he’s gone. You say you’re very compatible. It seems that you only have one difference - you want to be with him, and he doesn’t want to be with you.

When he says you’re too good for him, he’s hoping you’ll agree and go find somebody better. I think that’s a really good idea.

I too think that it’s time to cut your losses. I repeatedly said similar things to a guy friend who wanted to hang out way more than I did (and who annoyed me in various other ways). Eventually I’ve just started avoiding him, and it was a lot messier than it had to be if he’d just faded away when I said I “needed space.” For me anyway, it’s another code for the “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup.

Sorry, Weird One – another voice chiming in with what you don’t want to hear. He’s on his way out, and doesn’t have the balls to be upfront with you about it. “Our relationship isn’t at risk”? Bullshit – it’s over.

You seem to be allowing PPH way more leeway than vice-versa. [Dr. Phil voice]How’s that working for ya?[/DPV] Mr. Anachi wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. To me that’s the foundation of a good relationship. I would spread out those curly brackets to infinity and beyond and let Mr. Peanut Poopy Head stew in his own juices.

Yeah, this is totally his way of breaking up with you.

Probably older, not sure about wiser :wink: , but I don’t quite agree with thirdwarning and ivylass.

I’m 18 years into a very happy relationship with my SO - but the first three years were the pits. I was the one wanting the ‘discussions’ every week or so - because this was the first guy I had ever known who never bored me, who always made me laugh, or held me when I needed to cry. Never put me down for my looks (average-) or intelligence (average+). And I knew I wanted to keep him, he just needed a lot of ‘work’.

Did I give in on some things? - of course, but not on any dealbreakers. Did I make some changes to accomodate his needs? - you bet, but nothing that made me feel like I was pretending to be something I wasn’t just to keep him. I’ve been down that road too many times, and it just doesn’t work for me. I am not a submissive person. Did we split up a couple of times? - oh, my, yes! You could have called me “Salt-Water Sally” some weeks for all the tears.

Did he change? Much more than I did, and once we decided we could work anything out together, and that’s how we wanted things, life has been good.

Three months into a relationship isn’t long enough to really know how much and what kind of baggage a person is carrying. Some of his issues could relate to how other relationships have turned out.

I’d say, use the time he’s gone to think about what’s going on between you and Peanut Poopy-Head, whether he’s worth the time and energy it will take to train him. 'Cause we do agree, don’t we, that guys are not 'plug-and-play? They need a lot of set-up. :smiley:


Yeah, that.

Cute guys are a dime a dozen. Forget about guys and find yourself a man.

Maybe he means exactly what he says. It’s him, not you. He’s thinking that he’s got this perfectly spectacular girlfriend but somehow the spark has evaporated and now he’s just bored and smothered and annoyed but he still thinks you’re wonderful. He’s confused. You’re confused.

He’s trying to figure out why he isn’t into it anymore. For some people it’s the thrill of the pursuit. Once you have something it gets ever so much less attractive than it was when you were chasing it.

I’d suggest backing up a bit, possibly making the relationship not exclusive (date other people) and keeping your options open. He may walk or he may stay but you need to decide what you want and make very sure that he’s worth the effort.
Good Luck

Yeah, that’s about what I expected to hear. I’ve asked him a number of times now if he wants to end the relationship, and he keeps saying he doesn’t. Anyway, he has his ultimatum: figure out what your problem(s) is/are, or the “break” is permanent.

He can try, but my best friends/roommates are his friends from college, and we’re the only friends he has in this city, besides his roommate, who’s driving him nuts lately. We’re all he has! He’s trapped! BWAHAHAHAHA!
We started dating about a month after he moved to a new city and started a new job, his first out of college (he got his Master’s degree right after his Bachelor’s), so that’s new city, new job, new girlfriend all in a month; a lot of stress for anyone. I know his job’s been stressing him out lately, too.

So it doesn’t matter that we spent hours talking and having a good time before we started dating? That we share political views and have a similar family background, enjoy playing games and have similar tastes in movies and food (as in we’ll try anything once, and most things twice)? I didn’t go into all the things that are great about this relationship because the OP is long enough already, and I’m not worried about the myriad of things that are going so well, just a few things that are problematic.

I told him that if we’re going to be spending less time together, then more of the time we do have together would have to be quality time and just the two of us. No more just zoning out in front of the TV, more dates. He’s kept to this agreement. Also, he usually pays when we go out for dinner. He has a car and I don’t, so he covers all of our transportation. He sleeps over when he can, which is something I enjoy more than he does.

It’s my impression that it’s quite common for a girlfriend to want to spend more time together than her boyfriend does. Am I wrong on this?

Yes, I could find other cute guys, but this is the first guy I’ve found in three years that I was interested in seriously dating. The cuteness is a bonus.

velvetjones, barracuda, thanks for your advice.

Oh, and

punches Dr. Phil
I’ve always wanted to do that.

It’s kinda right. They guys I dated in high school and college wanted less time with me than I did. They were also immature little asses who were looking for some on the side, but of course I didn’t see that until later. Bird Man always wanted me as often as I wanted him. So, I guess I’m saying the right guy will want to spend time with you as much as you want with him. Best course of action is to play it cool. Let him call you and what not. If he does, great! That means he wants to spend time with you. If not, great! You can spend your time having fun and not waiting by the phone.

PS, feel free to ignore all my advice. I ignored it too.
<Pre-Bird Man Little Bird>
Why won’t he answer the phone?! Maybe his cell phone was off all those other times I called. I’ll try again now!
</Pre-Bird Man Little Bird>
:smack: :rolleyes: :smack: :rolleyes: :smack: :rolleyes: <—Little Bird later on.

Sweetie, I’m sorry…HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Cut your losses and move on.

The right guy will willingly give up an evening with his friends in a bar to spend it getting you hot water bottles and feeding you chocolate when you’ve got your period and are a hormonal bitch from hell…just because he gets to be with YOU.

Thanks to cell phones, I can spend my time having fun AND waiting by the phone at the same time! Isn’t technology great? :smiley:
He is quite good about calling, though.

I’m not very optimistic about the relationship itself, however I do enjoy saying Peanut Poopy Head and I think you have a flair for dramatic writing. Best of luck to you both!

This guy is backing out of the relationship slowly, hoping that he can make it just fade away without having a big confrontation.

Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn’t seem to like being around you?

The Weird Onesigh I hate to add my voice to the “he’s gone” list, but here it is.

I’m certain it’s just my own past experiences, but everything you wrote that Peanut Poopyhead (heh - love it!) said just set off alarm bells in my head. I’ve heard these phrases before… just before getting into the messiest breakup of my life (though how messy it is ends up being up to you, I was not a very graceful dumpee!). These are the words you hear that you reflect on after the dust has settled and you lick yourself in the arse saying, “Why didn’t I see this coming? The warnng signs were everywhere!”

He’s being passive aggressive for a couple of reasons… one reason, as people have mentioned, is he doesn’t have the courage (read: balls) to end it. He probably also still likes you as a friend, and doesn’t want to hurt you. I’ve seen a few people start this silly dance to try to “force” the relationship to end on a friendly note. He’s waiting for you to say “I want out.” That way, he wasn’t the bad guy who dumped you, but instead, you “mutually broke up”. It’s silly and childish, but many people seem to do it. (doesn’t make it* right*, grrr).

When someone says “I don’t deserve you”, and it’s not said jokingly, or with a big, goofy grin on their face, they’re probably speaking truth. It doesn’t matter what you want, if you deserve better, the big picture is what counts. You might want him, but do you really want to keep someone in a relationship they obviously don’t want to be in? He will just continue to weasel and squirm, confusing you utterly and leaving you both unhappy. Set the little joker free. He’s not bad or evil, neither are you bad or evil, you both just need someone else more suited to your needs. No matter how perfect a relationship may feel, if the feeling isn’t absolutely mutual, it will only end in tears. Remember that right now, he’s saying things to keep you happy, because he genuinly likes you and doesn’t want to hurt you. But he’s acting in truth.

And this:

Guess who will never figure out their problems? :frowning:

Anyway, that’s just my take on it, YMMV, and all that good stuff. But I think it is better to be prepared for the worst than have the news come like a sucker punch. Though you must have been having doubts, anyway, or you wouldn’t have asked.

Whatever happens, Weird One, I hope it is only to your benefit, be it with him or without him.

I’m sorry. You’re not a cat. We of the human species usually kick ourselves in the arse. However, if you are that flexible and that is what you would do in these circumstances, by all means, do. Just not in my house.


You know, it’s things like these that really make me appreciate the lack of an edit function for what it truly is: a breeding ground for verbal art.
[sub]At least, they do that until I mess up some coding. Then it’s back to loathing the very souls of whoever came up with such an idea.[/sub]