Dad won't attend wedding & birth grandchild. Don’t know how to react. Long & whiny.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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My dad forgot to attend my wedding, and won’t be attending the birth of his first grandchild. Don’t know how to react. Long, possibly whiny.

I’m female, 40 years old, and my dad is 75 years old. I was going to paint a long and detailed picture of my dad, as he is quite a special/eccentric/odd man. But suffice it to say that he is, and has been since he was 33, a kind of inventor for third world countries. This is his web site , with hundreds of his designs, ranging from rope pumps to irrigation systems to bamboo movable slum kitchens.
His life is his work; if he doesn’t sleep, he either works or feels he has to work. Unsurprisingly, my mom left him twenty years ago and he hasn’t really had long lasting romantic relationships since. He hasn’t had much time for my brother and me either. What he does have is an endless stream of volunteers and pupils coming in and leaving again. They get either inspired or frustrated, and often both, by my dad’s bossiness, his idealism, his work-related warmth, his fanaticism, his chaos, his technically brilliant designs, and the lack of actual success.
The reason he lacks actual success, is firstly because his work is strictly non-profit (he hasn’t earned any money since ’74, aside from the occasional grant) and also, and that is more worrisome, because my dad is such a perfectionist that he really doesn’t dare to let the world adopt any of his designs before they are perfect. Which they never are. If it comes to actual success, my dad is his own worst enemy.
Yet he doesn’t lose hope or courage; at 75, he is more fanatical then ever, still healthy, living with artists in an abandoned factory, travelling to development projects in South America , feeling time is running out and he still hasn’t saved the world yet.

My dad’s flakyness is legendary: he once was supposed to have dinner with a guy who would help him in some important way. He forgot the dinner. Mortified, he offered that guy another dinner, on him, to make up for it. He forgot that dinner as well, leaving the guy at the restaurant. One of the reasons my mom (who is quite the flake herself) divorced him, is that she wanted a new kitchen, he refused to have a storebought version installed, designed one for her, half built it, and failed to finish it properly for the next ten years.

At the same time, my dad is a genuinely nice guy. He’s warm, enthusiastic, full of humor. He hates fights and confrontations and wants to be on good terms with everybody.
He’s also cheap. Despite still having quite a lot of money, and spending little, he is afraid to spend money, that should be going to his work, (but he doens’t spend it on his work etither; for years I’ve urged him to hire a professional to get out of his various ruts). My dad is also a terrible gift giver when it isn’t something he made himself. My dad is the king of the wilted three dollar make-up bouquet of flowers, and “ here’s a real nice can of olives from the ethnic store for your birthday”. He is also scared to spend time on us, as that takes away time from his work.

So basically, my dad has been pretty absent as a father for all my life. And in the past four years or so, that has begun to sting me more and more. For all my life, I’ve bought into the excuse that my dad was saving the world. I was proud of him, and helped him out wherever I could. Found him free living quarters, helped him out occasionally with taxes and attorneys, meadiated in conflicts with my mom during the divorce, fed him all sorts of pracifal info, tended to him once or twice when he was sick and living near me, arranged friends of mine to help him out, etcetera.
In return, he thinks he helped *me *out, and that he has been “there for me” as well, because: how can I forget those three shelves in my house and that cat door he made five years ago and how hung an (admittedly very ingenious) laundry line. And the four or so times that he freed time to go for a walk with me on a beautiful spring day, when he should have been working?
Yeah, right. Dad, do you even realise it is all so preciously effing little?

More and more, I see how he is incredible selfish his work makes him. And if he only did safe Africa; but he doesn’t. He’s an idealist, but he’s so bad at parts of his work that it will never be more then a hobby. I’ve given up my dad, so my dad could play at saving Africa. And he doesn’t even enjoy himself that much, as he is to hard on himself; that makes the whole thing a family tragedy, instead of something I could just be angry for at my dad.

A month ago, he went too far even for me. I had told him, as early as in November, that I was going to marry January 7’th, and that it would be a tiny formal ceremony at the courthouse. Would he like to attend? Shielding myself from disappointment, I said it wouldn’t be such a big deal if he couldn’t make it. Good thing I did, because he had planned to catch a plane on January 5 th, and it was a hassle to postpone. Okay, no harm no foul, (or so I pretended, even to myself) so I proceeded with him out of the planning. Come January third, he realized that his flight would be delayed anyway. Vaguely and incorrectly remembering my marriage would take place on the ninth, he e-mailed me on the day before the wedding that he could attend anyway . So, with a mixed feeling of “ maybe” and “ oh, so now you can attend?” and “ who am I kidding, this is not going to work anyway” I emailed, voicemailed and left messages that the wedding would take place that next morning. Who showed up at the ceremony? Not my dad. He showed up at my house later that day, with the ceremony over and the guests gone, with another wilted three dollar flower bouquet to apologize. But I haven’t felt like seeing him. It’s just too much; if he can’t reign in his chaos long enough to get his facts straight for my freaking WEDDING, then, well, he’s just not that into me. And that hurts and I’m not going to pretend otherwise anymore. And I also feel it is important to shield myself from a relationship where, even if I set my expectations the lowest I can, my dad still manages to have my dealings with him end in disappointments. It’s matter of integrity, or something.

We’ve exchanged a couple e-mails since. My dad clearly wants to be on good terms before he leaves again for Guatemala. I wrote him about the same thing I wrote here, about the hurt and the shielding from further disappointments.
He reacted indignant when I said I was disappointed in him, saying he was there for me when I needed him (had I forgotten those shelves he hung?), and besides, I forgot stuff as well, and besides, who cares about those stupid rituals? In the same e-mail, he told me he wouldn’t be there for the birth of my kid, his first grandchild, as he scheduled his flight a week before the expected date.

I’ve tried to explain a couple of times. And I’m done. It just hurts to have to try and explain why, all of a sudden after years of going to first day of highschool alone, go to my graduation alone, going out to college alone, all without complaint and a “ get it over with, it’s just a piece of paper- attitude, now all of a sudden I’m miffed about a wedding that he didn’t attend when he could.

He. just. doesn’t. get. it. From a mutual friend, I hear that he is hurt, doesn’t see my point, thinks it’s just “hormones” and that a couple weeks/months of absence will make everything better and me a smiling helpful practical daughter again. That’s not going to happen. I don’t know what course I’ll take, though. He won’t change; I have changed, or maybe it is more accurate to say I feel the need to change.

If you’re still here, thanks for listening and letting me vent. Any thoughts or comments are appreciated.

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I think you are justified in being upset with him about the wedding. But don’t be so upset about him missing the birth of your child…I’m a firm believer that a birth is for the parents, and possibly the mom’s mother, but the rest of the world can stay away until you are home and safe. None of my kids’ grandparents were around for their actual births and that really doesn’t matter…I wasn’t in any mood to have to be a hostess. As long as he comes to visit once the baby is born, even if it’s a month or two later, when life has settled down a bit…that would be fine with me, especially giving your dad’s past performance.

Someone whose opinion I value has been quoted as saying that we can’t change other people’s behavior, we can only change our reactions to it. You have all the facts you need to know about your dad…now you just have to find a way to separate yourself emotionally from him. Not easy, especially when those pregnancy hormones are raging. I wish you luck on dealing with this.

3

I think you’re finally starting to see your dad for who he is. He seems like his heart is in the right place, but he has no follow through. Sort of like the mad scientist who forgets to eat because he’s immersed in a a new invention.

I think if you take your dad for what he is, rather than what you wish he could be, you might find yourself with a lot more peace. I feel a bit sorry for him…he’s missing out on so much, and he doesn’t even realize it.

I also think, at 75, he will not change. This is who he is. You just have to work around that, and not take it personally.

4

Well, I wouldn’t lend him any money…

He is what he is-he is not going to change now, not for you, your child or anything. IMO, what you are grieving (and it’s completely understandable) is the loss of the dream of the Dad you want and need. Unfortunately, you’ve got the Dad you’ve got. Time to disconnect, as you did (healthy choice, IMO, well done), and if he shows up at any time in the future, try to enjoy that time with him. His perceptions are a bit screwed up, frankly, but he is probably sincere in his “attempts” to be a part of your life. As was stated, you are facing a HUGE transition, thereby making your desire for your Ideal Dad stronger.
I wouldn’t name the baby after him, either–but that’s just me. Good luck. :slight_smile:

5

Maastritch, you have my sympathy. I’m glad that you understand that he won’t change. It’s completely understandable that his absence from your wedding and birth of your grandchild hurts you.

Personally, I think as long as the pain he inflicts is not deliberate, I’d opt for continuing along the acceptance path. He won’t ever be a babysitting kind of grandpa, that’s pretty clear. But your child has the advantage over you and that is emotional distance. The two of them might end up enjoying a nice friendship, the kind that only people with no expectations can have.

Good luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

6

He has the classic perfectionist symptom. He never finishes anything he starts.

He deludes himself into thinking he can’t be spared, and you’ll never change that in the years he has left. The best thing for you would be to stop getting up hope he’ll choose you over his projects. Interact with him when you see him making no plans when you do. I wish you could get what you want from him, but it isn’t going to happen. Luckily you have started a family which will be grow and give you support now and in the future. Focus on what you have that is good here. You’re about to be the mentor and supporter. Teach them well. Congratulations on the new addition(s).

7

Maastricht, your father sounds incredibly like the father character in The Mosquito Coast.

ivylass has said something that rings very true, your father sounds unlikely to change his ways at his age and perhaps you can only find a few happy moments with him by viewing things through his eyes. Which is no payback for everything he’s missed in the past of course, but is probably the only way things might work now.

8

Maastricht, let me just offer some virtual hugs.

You shouldn’t feel defensive for being upset with your father. The sad part is that there will people who will be coming to say that, “He’s your father, you have to give him another chance.” I figure, after forty years of life, he’s had his second, third, and fiftieth chances. If your wedding is the last straw for you, don’t stress over it.

Frankly, having him trivialize your reaction by ascribing it to “hormones” is something I find hugely insulting, on your behalf. It’s as if he’s such a good guy that it takes insanity for someone to be upset with his continued poor behavior towards the people who should have been able to count on him.

9

This.
Be thankful he is an active, working, productive guy at his age. For every one of your dad, there are 50 dad’s out there who are just waiting to die or in some nursing home drooling on themselves.

10

I have to agree that at 75 it seems unlikely that he’ll change.

Also, you seem to be collecting “brown stamps” on your dad. Brown stamps is a term I learned from a therapist where we allow resentments to build by not letting go of a million little things that bug is. Like keeping a stamp in a little booklet everytime someone does something unkind or inconsiderate. I’d like to suggest that this is unhealthy for you and will only make you unhappy.

Try a more zen approach to dealing with your father. Stay in the here and now when dealing with him with no hope for the future and no recrimination for the past. A phone call is simply a nice moment in time when you get to talk to dad and tell him what’s going on with you and find out what’s happening with him. A visit from dad, $3 bouquet of wilted flowers and all, is simply a nice visit with dad who thoughtfully brought you a gift.

And be sure to make your wishes and feelings clearly known but be prepared to accept that you don’t always get what you want. The only thing you can really change is you, your actions, your reactions and your choices. You can’t change your father no matter how hard you try.

And if in the end it’s simply too painful to deal with the disappointments of his behavior then you can choose to limit your contact.

Good luck.

11

IMO, it sounds like you’ve been parenting him for many years. Now that you have an actual child, you won’t have the time or energy to look after your father as well.

Sounds sensible to (if not cut him loose completely) keep a firmer distance between yourself and your ‘dadbaby’.

Congratulations on the offspring.
Send your dad photos, forgive his faults, but don’t be responsible for his future.

12

You’ve linked to your father’s website. What’s the possibility of him tracking back to your thread?

13

It sounds like he’s just not that into people. You can be hurt, but I don’t think you should take it personally. If he’s always been like this, it might help to think of him as being mentally defective. He may not have the capacity to have a “dad” relationship with you, or even a friendship.

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There are a lot worse parents. You’ve accepted it this long, don’t shut him out now, you’ll both lose if you do. He obviously loves you, but is driven by his work. It is what it is and it’s unlikely to change. A wilted bouquet and a lame apology are better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

15

IMO that’s a way-over-generous description. He’s a self-absorbed asshole with an unusual obsession.

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Thanks all, so far.

ivylass, I wouldn’t mind if he read this post. But he won’t go looking for it anyway.

The problem with all of the advice mentioned, is that I can’t seem to do it. I’m stuck.

I can’t really cut off contact for the reasons several people mentioned.
I already have limited contact with him, but that doesn’t make the times I do see him any less frustrating.

Yes, I should stop parenting him, and I probably will if my son is born. But my dad still does ask me for all sorts of help.

I can’t just enjoy the contact that I have, because all of the “brown stamps” get in the way. (Thanks for that expression, B]velvetjones**!) it’s like I want to collect enough ammo to convince myself to sever contact, but I never get around to actually severing.
Like others mentioned, I can’t even make out for myself if I can fault my dad anything at all. Every view mentioned here, from “good, special guy” to selfish obsessed bastard, has its merits.

And I just can’t seem to talk to him. He gets hurt, defensive, and he is a master in avoiding confrontation. He loves me, but if he shows it, he shows it in ways that totally seem unconnected to who I am and what I need.
An example: I’ve been depressed for the last two years. When I was four months pregnant, my dad asked to talk to meet me in a bar so he could talk to me. He said he had an idea: all that talking to therapists would do me no good, and something obviously needed to be done, because he felt my increased crankiness (Hello? First trimester pregnancy AND daughter issues!) would drive away not just him, but also my husband. What I needed was (drumroll) to travel for a couple months. To Africa, or to other third world country, to get a new perspective, If I would go on that trip, he would contribute 5000 dollar. Then he sat back, and I could see how proud he was of himself for having “solved” the problem.
I told him I had never liked travelling much to begin with. And that I didn’t see myself travelling to Africa, being pregnant, or with a baby. And that, unlike him, I had a steady good job where my employer allows me four weeks holiday a year, weeks which I had already spent. So I thanked him for the thought, he shrugged, and we parted, and he kept his money. I came home and felt like my dad so oftem makes me feel; he feels he gave me a gift, but all I received was “ten thousand spoons when all I needed was a knife” .

Sigh.

17

{{{{Maastricht}}}}

You’re going through a big shift in perspective. You’re starting to see your Dad, not as a child sees a father but as one human being sees another. This would be painful even with a successful father but as painful as it is, it is a sign of growth. You’re to be congratulated for that growth every bit as much as for your wedding (congratulations) and the birth of your child (more congratulations).

There’s going to be anger and grieving and your relationship with your father will change. I hope you’re able to let go of enough to let yourself have some peace. Not so that you can be “a smiling helpful practical daughter again,” but so that you can be happy.

Again, congratulations.

18

Um, I am hoping that this is one of those rare English glitches… IF your son is born or WHEN your son is born? Please say when…

It might help you to notice that he seems to offer “support” and “advice” that is as useless as it is impractical, aka an easy out for him to feel good about his “generosity” and to manipulate you into feeling guilt for not accepting it. Don’t play that game. IMO, you’re better off drawing an imaginary circle around yourself and saying that he gets no further than that line. Sounds weird, but really all I mean is find a way (or ways) to cope with his “eccentricities”. Soon with your son, you will be too busy to worry too much about dear old dad…

19

Yeah, your dad’s a jerk. He might have all the best intentions in the world, but when it comes to you, his daughter, he’s a jerk. Like eleanor said, you need extremely firm boundaries to protect yourself from his thoughtless, self-centred jerkiness. If I were you, I would make it my project to figure out how you and your child can interact with him without him hurting either of you (what he did to you, he’ll do to your child - all the disappointments, all the neglect, all the emotional unavailability).

ETA: Wanting your father to come to the milestones in your life and actually notice YOU makes you a normal person, not a bad one.

20

hugs

I can somewhat feel your pain. My dad lived 2500 miles away for almost my whole life, and I saw him once a year. I know him mostly from phone calls. He was going to come to my wedding, but at the last minute decided it was a scam to get money out of him and boycotted. Tried to get the rest of my family to boycott too. (Did I mention he’s a loopy ultra-conservative conspiracy-theory-beliving nutjob?) That was 17 years ago and to this day at weddings I start to cry when the bride dances with her father. Everyone’s advice is great–don’t take it personally, let it go, blah blah blah. But I understand how sometimes, you just can’t. You know you should, but the hurt is too much.