I made judgment errors and now I'm being stalked

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Last Sunday night myself and some musician friends went on an epic pub crawl. My bag was stolen from a Camden pub at 2 am, and I accepted a ride home from a late-40s mandolin player who, while I’d seen him once or twice in sessions around town, I didn’t know very well. Another couple of fiddle players got a lift from him as well, and he dropped them off first.

ERROR IN JUDGMENT #1: Getting into car with friend of a friend I’d only met once, who had just finished a half-pint.

ERROR IN JUDGMENT #2: Allowing friend of a friend into flat at 3 am after he asked to use the toilet.

ERROR IN JUDGMENT #3: Not kicking friend of a friend out when he asked for a cup of tea. In my flat. At 3 am.

ERROR IN JUDGMENT #4: Not kicking friend of a friend out when he sat on my bed and started chatting about musician friends. In my flat. At 3 am.

He finally left about twenty minutes later, I went into the bathroom to change into my pajamas. I came out and saw that his car was still parked on the street outside my house. I turned out the light, and he drove away almost immediately.

ERROR IN JUDGMENT #5: Not calling the cops because that is creepy.

Monday and today I spent tracking down my stolen phone, which had been thrown in a mailbox and retrieved by a Royal Mail worker (thankfully with no expensive calls made, I’m still confused about that). Said Royal Mail worker had called the last few people in my contacts list, and one of them was Mr Skeezy, whose phone I’d borrowed in the pub to ring mine to see if it was anywhere near.

Today I got home to find an unstamped letter in my mailbox from Mr Skeezy, with a fiddle doodled on it, saying that he’d got a call from the Royal Mail on my phone, hoped I’d got it and my bag back, and that there was a session on Thursday night he was driving to if I wanted a lift.

I am very upset with myself for allowing him in my house in the first place, and I’m having a lot of trouble overcoming the guilt enough to figure out what to do. How do I get him to leave me alone? I don’t feel like there is anything overtly objectionable in his behaviour that I can point to, because I did invite him in. How do you think he would respond to a text message or something just saying, “You are making me uncomfortable, please leave me alone”? I will probably still see him occasionally at sessions and other big group musical things, but I would like to stop feeling like I’m going to see him with a pair of night-vision binoculars every time I look out my window. I’m really upset about this.

2

It doesn’t sound like stalking so much as garden-variety interest on his part. Then again, your gut is probably telling you something for a reason. Just don’t respond, and if you see him at some place and he asks you out, just say “I don’t think that’s a good idea, but thanks.”

Don’t feel guilty for inviting him in. If he is a stalker, he was one long before you met him.

3

That doesn’t sound like stalking, really.

4

Not even close unless there is more to the story.

I’m guessing he’s quite a bit older which is part of the creepy factor? Next time you talk to him let him know you’re not interested in that way.
If you keep getting creepy vibes after that, then it might be getting stalkerish.

5

The sitting outside for 20 minutes bit is weird, but other than that he just sounds concerned about your phone being returned, and interested in getting to know you. You’re right, you didn’t kick him out immediately after he used the toilet or anything, and now he thinks maybe you might be interested in something more. Tell him ‘thanks but no thanks’, if he doesn’t get the hint do it more bluntly, and maybe tell your friend who knows him, “hey, that guy sat outside in his car for 20 minutes the other night, until I turned my light out - does he have a history of getting obsessive over women or something?” With any luck, the friend(s) will slap some sense into him.

6

Believe me…casual interest in a girl he did a favor for is not stalking:rolleyes:. It’s called being nice. If you’re not interested, politely decline his offer for a ride.

7

He was only sitting outside for the amount of time it took her to change into pajamas. Making a phone call maybe?

8

Sorry, I went for sensationalist brevity for the headline, but I do think there is something really really creepy (and not garden-variety interest) about

(1) inviting himself to sit on my bed and have a cup of tea in the middle of the night
(2) watching my bedroom light until I turned it off
(3) coming back to my house when I’m not there to drop a hand-written letter off

He is also more than twice my age, and while I don’t have any problem with age differences in considered relationships, I think that’s out of the normal “casual interest” range.

9

The guy sounds a little desperate, but it’s too early to call this stalking. Have you actually, verbally, given him the brushoff?

10

Sorry, I’m quite upset and confused and not phrasing myself very clearly.

11

At this point, it’s not clear from what you’ve told us that he’s really crossed any lines yet. He may just be an incompetent courter who will go away if you make it clear you’re not interested.

Of course, we haven’t been in the room with him, so we don’t know what kind of non-verbal cues or unsettling vibes he’s giving off. I can readily understand that he may be coming across as more creepy to you than it looks on the page.

You said he’s a friend of a friend. Talk to THAT friend and tell him what’s been happening. Someone who knows Mandolin Player better may have a better insight into whether you should be worried or not, and may even be willing to tell him you’d like him to piss off.

I think you might have to make at least one declarative statement to Mandolin lettinh him know you aren’t interested. Try just ignoring his note and see if he can take a hint from that. If he keeps at it, you’ll have to be more abrupt. If THAT doesn’t work, you might have to talk to somebody about a retraining order.

12

:smack: I read too fast, thought he was outside for 20 minutes, rather than inside.

And if you didn’t have your phone back yet, how was he to let you know if you knew someone had your phone?

OK, maybe he doesn’t want to date you, maybe he wanted to see if he could bed you that night, or very soon. Age difference and being in someone’s place at 3 am aren’t big impediments to that.

Even the de Becker book The Gift of Fear recommends the declarative “leave me alone” statement as being absolutely essential early on if you think someone is being a stalker. Some people are seriously clueless, others live with hope that the object of their affections is being “hard to get” or “taking it slow”.

13

I think this is the sort of thing that will go away if you politely ignore it, though. I think maybe the thing that’s pinging you is more the “didn’t want to leave my apartment” thing. If polite ignoring and gently turning down attempts at contact doesn’t work, then bring out the big guns, but at this point it seems like a guy who did you a big favor is interested in you, which you are obviously not obligated to return.

14

OMG

A woman who is royally creeped out because some guy is remotely nice and may be expressing some socially reasonable signs of interest (which she herself mostly allowed).

Of course it would be romanatic if instead the guy was more Brad Pittish than Abe Vagodaey.

All you women folk who play hard to get even with the men you like and expect men to do all the move making or read minds remember this later please (which I am sure you won’t).

15

Only in one direction, though. That is, he’s too old for you, but you’re not too young for him – “casual interest” in a twentysomething woman is normal in fortysomething men. What’s off-putting about him, if I’m getting what you’re saying, seems to be his determination to hang around you as much as possible in the hope that you will begin to reciprocate his interest. He should either leave you alone or ask you flat out for a date (and get turned down), but instead he just hangs around. It looks furtive, and furtive behavior makes us afraid (since it can suggest an ulterior motive), but at this point I think it’s more likely to be a case of clueless, lonely desperation than true stalking.

Ignore him. If he contacts you again, just say straight out that you’re not interested in him.

16

I’m not going to discount your feelings if you got “creepy stalker” vibes from this guy, but your first step is to clearly state (assuming he attempts to contact you again) that you are not interested in him and that you want him to leave you alone. If he does not do this, then you have a problem.

17

It sounds a bit awkward to me, but not even close to stalking at this point.

His needing to use the bathroom, may or may not have been a ruse, to get into your apartment. It really is too bad, that you didn’t just stand by your door, and escort him out, politely and thank him for the ride after that. I agree that the tea, and letting him sit on your bed and talk was a mistake if you weren’t feeling comfortable with him. Do you have any explanation as to why you did that? Had you been drinking? Did you feel manipulated? Maybe that is why you are feeling bad.

I am glad you didn’t call that cops. That would have been very very awkward, and really he did nothing wrong. He may have been fiddling with his radio, or looking for a tape before he left, who knows. I am sure if you just let him know you aren’t interested, it will calm down. If you find him sitting outside your house after that, then it may be time to worry, but try not to get ahead of yourself.

Good luck.

18

Boy - unless there is a heck of a lot more to this, you certainly impress me as overacting.

The guy asked for a cup of tea and sat on your bed? Never even touched you or said anything untoward? Then hand delivered a note offering to drive you to an activity he knows you might be interested in.

How do you respond to his note? How about, “no thank you.” Or just ignore it.

IMO you really do a disservice to women with serious problems by equating this with stalking.

19

I can’t imagine that she would have gotten much of a response from the police. She allowed him into her apartment and he left without touching, harming, or threatening her. Plus, he had already driven away. What did she expect them to do, exactly?

20

Creepy, yes. Stalky, no. And utterly harmless (well, except for that part about keeping you up for 20 minutes at 3am, which was probably not maliciously intended)

Some people can be a overwhelming in their attempts at making friends, and are utterly clueless about the fact that you’re uncomfortable with that sort of aggressive friendliness. In fact, I know Mandolin Player’s female counterpart and we’re actually good friends now that we’ve sorted out boundaries… the trick is to rebuff her in a gentle yet blunt kind of way when she’s out of bounds (she’s fully aware she’s totally tone-deaf when it comes to subtle social cues).

Chances are, Mr Mandolin hasn’t reached the age of 40 without being at least partially aware that he’s a clueless dork where women are concerned, and chances are this isn’t the first time he’s embarked of this sort of fumbling overeager courtship.

Be firm about the fact that you’re not interested in seeing him as anything more than a passing acquaintance, and see if he gets the point… chances are, he’ll back off.