Is using an elevator that fucking hard?

[Mongoose1546]

I've been accumulating this list for quite awhile now. If my rules suck or I missed something tell me cause I'm going to have this shit printed up and distributed in office buildings everywhere. I encounter this shit every single day. Maybe it's just me but wtf.

1. If you are waiting for an elevator, it does NOT matter how many fucking times you press the button, the elevator will not arrive any earlier.

2. Once the elevator does arrive, don't stand directly in front of the doors. Allow the people that are on the elevator to exit first THEN proceed calmly into the elevator.

3. Allow ladies to board and exit the elevator first. (I realize this may be an old fashioned but it shows class)

4. When boarding an elevator, please fill from back to front.

5. No matter how late you are for work, do not "squeeze" your fat ass into a car that is already full. I can assure you that another elevator will be along shortly.

6. Once you have secured your spot in the elevator, please:

a. Tell the person on your cell phone to hold or end the damn call.
b. Turn your iPod's volume down or even better yet, turn it the fuck off.
c. Do not have a conversation with another person that is in the elevator, unless they are standing right next to you. If you must talk please use the following as a guide:

i. remember to use your inside voice
ii. refrain from inappropriate discussions (e.g., the chick you banged last night, what that ichy red spot on your leg could be because it just won’t stop oozing, etc.)
iii. discussing other co-workers. You don't know who is on the elevator and who they might know. Also, realize that you sound like a petty twit when you engage in this behavior.
iv. if in doubt, the most appropriate behavior is a slight nod/smile and a pleasant phase intentionally designed to illicit no response from the other person if they do not feel up to it (i.e., good morning, nice to see you or have a good day). Just because you may be a “morning person”, doesn’t mean others are you selfish bastard.

7. If the elevator stops on a floor and someone is trying to get on, don't push the "door close" button until they are on the elevator. Better yet, don’t even touch that fucking button. As a sub point, don’t “pretend” you don’t see someone coming to the elevator. That's just bullshit and you know it.

8. When you are inside the building, waiting for an elevator and it arrives – get the hell in! We all have things to do today and it is quicker to take an elevator five floors. *Unless* of course some moron decides to hold a prolonged conversation with another person who's not going anywhere. If the elevator buzzer/alarm goes off because the door is trying to close and your damn arm is in the way, people on the elevator should have the God given right to beat you senseless. We all have places to go and you're simply not that fuckikng important to make all of us wait.

9. As the elevator rises and stops at floors that aren't yours, please be polite and step out of the elevator (if it is crowded) to let others exit. We promise that we won't go anywhere without you.

10. If you are carrying a backpack, one of those trendy gargantuan bags, briefcase or pulling one of those horrid wheeled backpacks (you realize you take up enough room for four people using one of those ridiculous things don’t you?) – please remember to take into account your added “girth” and act accordingly. You are not your normal size anymore. When you turn you may be unintentionally smacking someone with your big bad self.

11. If you screw up and press the wrong floor (and can't clear your selection), suck it up and get off the elevator at that floor and wait for another one. After all, we took the time to stop...don't make our efforts in vain.

12. No farting, belching, or making that sound like you're going to spit a hocker. Coughing is tolerable only if done once and not for a prolonged time period. You gotta really bad cough you say? Here are your options:

a. Hit the button for the very next floor and get the hell off the elevator. Go hack your lungs out in the vestibule.
b. Get off the elevator immediately and wait for the next elevator going down to lobby level. Preferably one that is empty. Phone your boss from the lobby and call in sick like you should have done before leaving the house. You're not a martyr for coming to work sick, just an inconsiderate asshole.

13. No personal grooming which includes, but is not limited to, applying make-up or checking/primping your hair in the shiny surface inside the elevator. When you do, that very same shiny surface allows EVERYBODY on the elevator to see you preening like a 50 year old bar fly. You look unbelievably stupid.

[friedo]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

3. Allow ladies to board and exit the elevator first. (I realize this may be an old fashioned but it shows class)

Wrong. You let the person closest to the fucking door get off first, regardless of gender. If you are some mouth-breathing neanderthal cretin who somehow thinks he's God's gift to the fairer sex because he blocks the entire fucking elevator car so some dumb broad in the back can squeeze her fat ass out, then you should be brought to the dumpster behind the building and unceremoniously shot in the back of the head.

And whatever company was stupid enough to hire your hare-brained ass should be promptly billed for the cost of the bullet.

[Roland Orzabal]

1. True, but who cares? Morons ineffectually jabbing buttons does exactly as much harm as it does good.

2. Agreed.

3. Negative. I'll get on or off the elevator in whatever order is most logical and efficient. Also, in my experience, if you do this, it's about a 50/50 split whether a particular woman will find it sweet or think you're being condescending, so it's really not worth it.

4 - 10. Agreed.

11. Hwah? No. You can deal with the added fifteen-second wait of stopping at the wrong floor. You'll live, I promise. Is this really a situation you encounter all that often?

12. Agreed.

13. What do you care?

Decent rant. Get rid of the ones that don't affect you personally, and I'm on board (figuratively speaking, and I promise to hit the right button).

[Tastes of Chocolate]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

11. If you screw up and press the wrong floor (and can't clear your selection), suck it up and get off the elevator at that floor and wait for another one. After all, we took the time to stop...don't make our efforts in vain.

Huh? If I accidentally hit the wrong floor button, I should get off, and stand in that hallway until another elevator comes along? What does this server? It's not going to get you where you are going any faster. It's just going to annoy me. I'll apologize, then press the correct button.

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

3. Allow ladies to board and exit the elevator first. (I realize this may be an old fashioned but it shows class)

4. When boarding an elevator, please fill from back to front.

In practice, these two can be contradictory. I said fuck the gender preferences. If you're closest to the elevator door when boarding, get on quickly, hit your floor button, and then get against the back wall as soon as possible. If you're closest to the door when disembarking, get off quickly and clear the hallway as soon as possible.

[Amber in Treasury]

Coughing is nothing. Now, elevators and gastrointestinal troubles, that's a match made in Hell.

[Isamu]

In the (Japanese) building where I work, the only kind of elevator douchbaggery is when the elevator arrives carrying its payload of passangers, and then no one gets out, because they have to come to some kind of consenus first about who is the most senior person. That takes about 5 seconds, and is repeated until the final, youngest, office lady jumps out just as the doors are automatically closing. Leaving me stuck waiting for the next elevator, to see a repeat perormance. One day, when I snap, I'm going to run in first and drag them all out two-by-two.

[friedo]

14. Don't call it a "lift," you pretentious git.

[Euphonious Polemic]

Originally Posted by friedo

Wrong. You let the person closest to the fucking door get off first, regardless of gender. If you are some mouth-breathing neanderthal cretin who somehow thinks he's God's gift to the fairer sex because he blocks the entire fucking elevator car so some dumb broad in the back can squeeze her fat ass out, then you should be brought to the dumpster behind the building and unceremoniously shot in the back of the head.

And whatever company was stupid enough to hire your hare-brained ass should be promptly billed for the cost of the bullet.

Just a tad more graphic than I was going to post, but it has a nice rhythm, and you can dance to it. +1

[Mongoose1546]

Originally Posted by Bryan Ekers

In practice, these two can be contradictory. I said fuck the gender preferences. If you're closest to the elevator door when boarding, get on quickly, hit your floor button, and then get against the back wall as soon as possible. If you're closest to the door when disembarking, get off quickly and clear the hallway as soon as possible.

Agreed and noted.

3 and 11 are out.

11 was included because there is actually someone in my company (no clue who or where) that does this repeatedly and usually doesn't just hit one wrong floor but 2. I was on another elevator journey with her today thus this formal rant.

[Fake Tales of San Francisco]

Originally Posted by friedo

14. Don't call it a "lift," you pretentious git.

So all British people are pretentious.

Got it. (Elevator sounds more pretentious to my ears).

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally Posted by Fake Tales of San Francisco

So all British people are pretentious.

Kinda gay, too.

[tumbleddown]

Honestly, any man who gummed up the works of entering and exiting an elevator to let women on or off first would get my biggest, baddest stinkeye. I'm not a tender flower that's going to wilt if I'm second off the damn elevator. This is not a courtesy, this is condescension, plain and simple.

[Martini Enfield]

Originally Posted by friedo

14. Don't call it a "lift," you pretentious git.

The UK & The Commonwealth Of Nations would like a word with you about that, you errant Colonial.

[PopeJewish]

As for the one about letting ladies on or off first I think it's been covered but the only way to not seem like a condescending jackass or to gum up the works is if you're standing side-by-side with a woman. This is the only time, in my opinion, that a guy would even think of letting the woman on (or off) the elevator first as it doesn't gum up anything and it's just sorta polite. I dunno, I was always taught "ladies first" growing up and I'm not going to change now, unless she's 5 people back, than she can go f* herself cause I got places to be

And "lift" is just how those silly Brits refer to elevators. They also say things like "car boot" instead of "trunk" and "mobile" instead of "cell phone." They're not pretentious for doing so, just "different"

[friedo]

Originally Posted by Martini Enfield

The UK & The Commonwealth Of Nations would like a word with you about that, you errant Colonial.

Here's a guinea. Go put some petrol in your lorry and drive the wrong way through the roundabout to your flat.

[Martini Enfield]

Originally Posted by friedo

Here's a guinea. Go put some petrol in your lorry and drive the wrong way through the roundabout to your flat.

Where's the problem with any of that, beyond the "drive the wrong way through the roundabout"? It's only the wrong way from your perspective.

[threnodyangelfire]

Originally Posted by friedo

14. Don't call it a "lift," you pretentious git.

Wha? That's what it's called! Here in Australia anyways!

[yams!!]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

3. Allow ladies to board and exit the elevator first. (I realize this may be an old fashioned but it shows class)

This is chivalrously incorrect.

According to a guy who lives in my building, a gentleman is to precede a lady "in events which may lead to assault or plummeting." Should the elevator choose to malfunction, it is the man who will gallantly fall to his death, thereby preserving social order and chivalrous tradition.

Wise up and accept your fate as elevator bait. Thank you.


love
yams!!

[Mr Shine]

6a: Assuming you're not yelling down the phone, why is this any different than having a quiet conversation with your immediate neighbour?

6b: If your mp3 player is loud enough to be heard by other people it is already too loud, so TURN IT THE FUCK DOWN anyway regardless of whether you're in a lift or not.

[friedo]

Originally Posted by yams!!

According to a guy who lives in my building, a gentleman is to precede a lady "in events which may lead to assault or plummeting."

One extremely cold day, one elevator in an oldish Wall Street building where I used to work decided to frighteningly malfunction. My co-workers and I were heading up to the 30th floor, when all of a sudden something in the mechanism slipped and the elevator plunged two or three stories before coming to a halt.

"Holy shit, we're stuck in here," said one of my cohorts.

"We can't possibly be stuck," I observed, "because nobody in here is pregnant."

I then turned to my female boss and offered, "unless you have an announcement to make."

So soothing were my words that the combined annoyed glare of my boss and fellow passengers immediately restored the car to working condition, allowing us to disembark.

[madmonk28]

Rule number 3 is expired as it is now the 21st century.

[Strinka]

Why should I turn off my iPod? We're not supposed to be talking in there, so why the hell should I have to listen to your breathing?

[Jack Batty]

14. Make sure you stare wide-eyed directly and unblinkingly into the eyes of one of your elevator mates, with no smile, and extra bonus points if you can work up a trickle of sweat dripping down the side of your face -- maybe nervously tap your foot or chew a fingernail as well.

We don't want people becoming too complacent in the work place.

[Steve MB]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

4. When boarding an elevator, please fill from back to front.

No. If you are getting off on the second floor (i.e. if one of the following is true: 1)the building's stairwells are locked down, 2)you are physically handicapped, or 3)you are a lazy lump), resist your compulsion to disturb everyone else once on your way in and again on your way out.

[runner pat]

Ever been tempted to create and put up an elevator schedule?
I would love to see how many people wouldn't push the button and just wait for the next one.

[Borborygmi]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

13. No personal grooming which includes, but is not limited to, applying make-up or checking/primping your hair in the shiny surface inside the elevator. When you do, that very same shiny surface allows EVERYBODY on the elevator to see you preening like a 50 year old bar fly. You look unbelievably stupid.

But women primping and applying make-up is one of my turn-ons! Why do you want to take that away from me?

(50-year-old bar flies, too. Giggity.)

[Munch]

"Vestibule"? Who the hell uses the word "vestibule" these days? Are you a vicar posting from an abbey?

[Sigmagirl]

Emily Post says that the elevator is a vehicle and that gentlemen get out of the vehicle first, the better to help the ladies.

Sigmagirl says get out of the fucking elevator.

[Ferret Herder]

Originally Posted by Munch

"Vestibule"? Who the hell uses the word "vestibule" these days? Are you a vicar posting from an abbey?

It's used on our train line for the entryway in the middle of each car, separated from the compartments by inner doors. Not sure what part of a building I'd apply it to, however.

Elevator etiquette at work - I work in a medical center, and it's polite to allow a superior or a patient (who all of us employees work for in a very real sense) off the elevator first, assuming it does not mess with other people's comfort or delay the departure of the elevator. So as a woman I do find it a tad annoying to be (essentially) shooed off the elevator first but I understand that some people are doing it to be polite. I'm just trying to be polite, too! I wouldn't get my nose out of joint over it, however.

The person in example 11 needs to be barred from elevator usage if they regularly hit 3 buttons instead of 1. Either that or the occupants need to hurl themselves in front of the button panel when that person is entering, and then sweetly ask, "What floor?"

[groo]

I make it a practice to say Hello to a stranger in an elevator about twice a week. No commitment to lifelong friendship; just acknowledging that we're both human beings. However, after extensive testing, I don't reccommend random humorous comments, as they will fall to the floor like a dying baby seal, twisting and bleeding and whimpering.

My only issue is with the blankity blank cell phone conversatoins. WTF, dude? Was she really so bad that you have to share why you dumped her with an elevator full of strangers? You don't get a Hello from me.

[MeanOldLady]

Okay, so now that we've eliminated rule 11, am I adding rule 13 now? Does friedo's rule count? Whatever, here's another rule. I'll call it rule 27.

27) People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off.

[LurkMeister]

4a) If you're getting off at one of the lower floors, do not rush into the elevator so you're standing at the back, forcing everybody to move around so you can get out. Let other people get in first so you can be standing by the door when the elevator gets to your floor.

[Hampshire]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

2. Once the elevator does arrive, don't stand directly in front of the doors. Allow the people that are on the elevator to exit first THEN proceed calmly into the elevator.

Thank you for this.
It seems like every time I'm at the mall pushing my son in his stroller I push the call button and then step back about 6 feet. Because when that elevator arrives, and people want to get off, well, they need somewhere to go you know?
And it never fails that some moron will arrive, push the already lit button, and stand between me and the elevator door.

[chromaticity]

Originally Posted by friedo

I then turned to my female boss and offered, "unless you have an announcement to make."

Hah! This had me laughing for a while! Usually if Im the first in the elevator and I am getting off before the others (Its a small building I know almost everyones floor), I stick to the front left/right. It seems dickish getting to the back, and then pushing your way out after a few seconds.

And one more thing,
No strong perfumes! They make me sneeze, and its horrible holding it in till I can get off.

[RitterSport]

Originally Posted by Mongoose1546

1. If you are waiting for an elevator, it does NOT matter how many fucking times you press the button, the elevator will not arrive any earlier.

No, but wouldn't it be cool if it did? Say, a 10% increase in elevator speed every time you press the button? Then, people would come out looking all disheveled saying, "please don't do that again! Just wait!"

Anyway, I want to add:

28. If the elevator doors are closing, wait for the next one. It's not like a subway where they will be 25 minutes apart, at least in any reasonably modern office building. On our elevators, the doors are pretty good about closing right after a few people get in and press buttons, but if an arm gets in the way, it's like the elevators say "whoa, that was close. I have to wait a minute to settle down -- I nearly took that guy's arm off", or, "hey, you're in a rush? now, I'm going to make you wait even longer."

[matt_mcl]

Originally Posted by groo

My only issue is with the blankity blank cell phone conversatoins. WTF, dude? Was she really so bad that you have to share why you dumped her with an elevator full of strangers? You don't get a Hello from me.

This is self-regulating behaviour, as most elevators have terrible cell phone reception. However, in the worst case it may cause the person to just yell all the louder.

As for the second floor: if you're getting off on the second floor, you should go to the end of the line, so you get in last, the better to get off first (unless you're in a wheelchair, in which case others should work around you -- no fair using this power for evil rather than good).

[Who_me?]

While I agree with most of your points, blow me. I'll do it the way I want.

[Rufus Xavier]

Rule 29: If you are in an elevator with at least one other person and it becomes stuck between floors for more than one minute, do not wonder aloud about which individual should be eaten first.

[Acsenray]

Mongoose1546, when your list of rules gets this long, it's a signal that you're the one with the problem here. Take a pill.

[Uvula Donor]

Rule 1: Your list is TLDR.

Rule 2: Take the fucking stairs, Princess. It's obvious that the elevator is just too much for someone as delicate as you.

[Astroboy14]

Originally Posted by tumbleddown

Honestly, any man who gummed up the works of entering and exiting an elevator to let women on or off first would get my biggest, baddest stinkeye. I'm not a tender flower that's going to wilt if I'm second off the damn elevator. This is not a courtesy, this is condescension, plain and simple.

How the hell am I supposed to check out your ass if I don't let you go first?

[Lord Ashtar]

Originally Posted by MeanOldLady

27) People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off.

Especially if they're going to spend the time between floors 1 and 2 complaining about how Jenny Craig or whatever diet plan they're on isn't working.

[BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed]

Originally Posted by Mr Shine

6a: Assuming you're not yelling down the phone, why is this any different than having a quiet conversation with your immediate neighbour?

Seconded. If you're not specifically complaining about loud idiots on cell phones, you're a knee-jerk reactionary yourself.

[NinjaChick]

Originally Posted by groo

I make it a practice to say Hello to a stranger in an elevator about twice a week. No commitment to lifelong friendship; just acknowledging that we're both human beings. However, after extensive testing, I don't reccommend random humorous comments, as they will fall to the floor like a dying baby seal, twisting and bleeding and whimpering.

My only issue is with the blankity blank cell phone conversatoins. WTF, dude? Was she really so bad that you have to share why you dumped her with an elevator full of strangers? You don't get a Hello from me.

Christ, I loathe people who do this! Yes, we're both on an elevator/bus/plane/whateverthehell together. I am aware that you are here. Why do you have to go and fuck it up and talk to people?

[Guinastasia]

Originally Posted by MeanOldLady

Okay, so now that we've eliminated rule 11, am I adding rule 13 now? Does friedo's rule count? Whatever, here's another rule. I'll call it rule 27.

27) People who take the elevator from the first floor to the second floor must either a) submit proof of injury, or b) fuck off.

Meh, I do this at my doctor's office, if only because the stairs are all the way down at the other end of the hall, and the elevator is right next to the office. I just want to get in and out as quickly as possible. It's just quicker. (And trust me, usually I hate elevators)

28.) If you ARE going to listen to your MP3 player, get a really good pair of earbuds. The ones I have, you can't even hear the music from them if it's playing at top volume. (I know, I'll have them sitting beside me, and I still can't hear it until I put them in my ears.

[Kimmy_Gibbler]

Originally Posted by Martini Enfield

you errant Colonial.

What makes you think he is an itinerant?

Also, the only one of these that I can co-sign is the one about standing clear of the doors and allowing passengers to alight before you board.

Considering that I've never taken an elevator journey that has lasted more than forty seconds, the no talking rule seems a little extreme. I'm sorry you're not a "morning person," but you're still at "work" sweetie, and that sucks, I know, but maybe you could just try going to bed earlier.

[ivn1188]

#427a: Make sure to face away from the door. Ensure that eye contact is made with an individual rider. Maintain eye contact until the other party breaks. Repeat this process until you have established dominance over every person in the elevator. As soon as this occurs, slam the button for the next floor. When the elevator doors open, back out of the elevator slowly, while pointing accusingly at the group still in the elevator. Maintain this until the doors close.

[Jack Batty]

Originally Posted by ivn1188

#427a: Make sure to face away from the door. Ensure that eye contact is made with an individual rider. Maintain eye contact until the other party breaks. Repeat this process until you have established dominance over every person in the elevator. As soon as this occurs, slam the button for the next floor. When the elevator doors open, back out of the elevator slowly, while pointing accusingly at the group still in the elevator. Maintain this until the doors close.

Originally Posted by Jack Batty

14. Make sure you stare wide-eyed directly and unblinkingly into the eyes of one of your elevator mates, with no smile, and extra bonus points if you can work up a trickle of sweat dripping down the side of your face -- maybe nervously tap your foot or chew a fingernail as well.

We don't want people becoming too complacent in the work place.

It appears you and I aren't as different as we like to pretend.

[Tom Scud]

Originally Posted by friedo

14. Don't call it a "lift," you pretentious git.

This seems precisely backwards: "lift" is a one-syllable, germanic, everyday kind of word. "Elevator" is a four-syllable pretentious latinate word that means the same exact thing. Why we Americans got stuck with the latter is a mystery to me.