I’ve been accumulating this list for quite awhile now. If my rules suck or I missed something tell me cause I’m going to have this shit printed up and distributed in office buildings everywhere. I encounter this shit every single day. Maybe it’s just me but wtf.
If you are waiting for an elevator, it does NOT matter how many fucking times you press the button, the elevator will not arrive any earlier.
Once the elevator does arrive, don’t stand directly in front of the doors. Allow the people that are on the elevator to exit first THEN proceed calmly into the elevator.
Allow ladies to board and exit the elevator first. (I realize this may be an old fashioned but it shows class)
When boarding an elevator, please fill from back to front.
No matter how late you are for work, do not “squeeze” your fat ass into a car that is already full. I can assure you that another elevator will be along shortly.
Once you have secured your spot in the elevator, please:
a. Tell the person on your cell phone to hold or end the damn call.
b. Turn your iPod’s volume down or even better yet, turn it the fuck off.
c. Do not have a conversation with another person that is in the elevator, unless they are standing right next to you. If you must talk please use the following as a guide:
[INDENT]i. remember to use your inside voice
ii. refrain from inappropriate discussions (e.g., the chick you banged last night, what that ichy red spot on your leg could be because it just won’t stop oozing, etc.)
iii. discussing other co-workers. You don’t know who is on the elevator and who they might know. Also, realize that you sound like a petty twit when you engage in this behavior.
iv. if in doubt, the most appropriate behavior is a slight nod/smile and a pleasant phase intentionally designed to illicit no response from the other person if they do not feel up to it (i.e., good morning, nice to see you or have a good day). Just because you may be a “morning person”, doesn’t mean others are you selfish bastard.[/INDENT]
If the elevator stops on a floor and someone is trying to get on, don’t push the “door close” button until they are on the elevator. Better yet, don’t even touch that fucking button. As a sub point, don’t “pretend” you don’t see someone coming to the elevator. That’s just bullshit and you know it.
When you are inside the building, waiting for an elevator and it arrives – get the hell in! We all have things to do today and it is quicker to take an elevator five floors. Unless of course some moron decides to hold a prolonged conversation with another person who’s not going anywhere. If the elevator buzzer/alarm goes off because the door is trying to close and your damn arm is in the way, people on the elevator should have the God given right to beat you senseless. We all have places to go and you’re simply not that fuckikng important to make all of us wait.
As the elevator rises and stops at floors that aren’t yours, please be polite and step out of the elevator (if it is crowded) to let others exit. We promise that we won’t go anywhere without you.
If you are carrying a backpack, one of those trendy gargantuan bags, briefcase or pulling one of those horrid wheeled backpacks (you realize you take up enough room for four people using one of those ridiculous things don’t you?) – please remember to take into account your added “girth” and act accordingly. You are not your normal size anymore. When you turn you may be unintentionally smacking someone with your big bad self.
If you screw up and press the wrong floor (and can’t clear your selection), suck it up and get off the elevator at that floor and wait for another one. After all, we took the time to stop…don’t make our efforts in vain.
No farting, belching, or making that sound like you’re going to spit a hocker. Coughing is tolerable only if done once and not for a prolonged time period. You gotta really bad cough you say? Here are your options:
a. Hit the button for the very next floor and get the hell off the elevator. Go hack your lungs out in the vestibule.
b. Get off the elevator immediately and wait for the next elevator going down to lobby level. Preferably one that is empty. Phone your boss from the lobby and call in sick like you should have done before leaving the house. You’re not a martyr for coming to work sick, just an inconsiderate asshole.
No personal grooming which includes, but is not limited to, applying make-up or checking/primping your hair in the shiny surface inside the elevator. When you do, that very same shiny surface allows EVERYBODY on the elevator to see you preening like a 50 year old bar fly. You look unbelievably stupid.
Wrong. You let the person closest to the fucking door get off first, regardless of gender. If you are some mouth-breathing neanderthal cretin who somehow thinks he’s God’s gift to the fairer sex because he blocks the entire fucking elevator car so some dumb broad in the back can squeeze her fat ass out, then you should be brought to the dumpster behind the building and unceremoniously shot in the back of the head.
And whatever company was stupid enough to hire your hare-brained ass should be promptly billed for the cost of the bullet.
True, but who cares? Morons ineffectually jabbing buttons does exactly as much harm as it does good.
Agreed.
Negative. I’ll get on or off the elevator in whatever order is most logical and efficient. Also, in my experience, if you do this, it’s about a 50/50 split whether a particular woman will find it sweet or think you’re being condescending, so it’s really not worth it.
4 - 10. Agreed.
Hwah? No. You can deal with the added fifteen-second wait of stopping at the wrong floor. You’ll live, I promise. Is this really a situation you encounter all that often?
Agreed.
What do you care?
Decent rant. Get rid of the ones that don’t affect you personally, and I’m on board (figuratively speaking, and I promise to hit the right button).
Huh? If I accidentally hit the wrong floor button, I should get off, and stand in that hallway until another elevator comes along? What does this server? It’s not going to get you where you are going any faster. It’s just going to annoy me. I’ll apologize, then press the correct button.
In practice, these two can be contradictory. I said fuck the gender preferences. If you’re closest to the elevator door when boarding, get on quickly, hit your floor button, and then get against the back wall as soon as possible. If you’re closest to the door when disembarking, get off quickly and clear the hallway as soon as possible.
In the (Japanese) building where I work, the only kind of elevator douchbaggery is when the elevator arrives carrying its payload of passangers, and then no one gets out, because they have to come to some kind of consenus first about who is the most senior person. That takes about 5 seconds, and is repeated until the final, youngest, office lady jumps out just as the doors are automatically closing. Leaving me stuck waiting for the next elevator, to see a repeat perormance. One day, when I snap, I’m going to run in first and drag them all out two-by-two.
11 was included because there is actually someone in my company (no clue who or where) that does this repeatedly and usually doesn’t just hit one wrong floor but 2. I was on another elevator journey with her today thus this formal rant.
Honestly, any man who gummed up the works of entering and exiting an elevator to let women on or off first would get my biggest, baddest stinkeye. I’m not a tender flower that’s going to wilt if I’m second off the damn elevator. This is not a courtesy, this is condescension, plain and simple.
As for the one about letting ladies on or off first I think it’s been covered but the only way to not seem like a condescending jackass or to gum up the works is if you’re standing side-by-side with a woman. This is the only time, in my opinion, that a guy would even think of letting the woman on (or off) the elevator first as it doesn’t gum up anything and it’s just sorta polite. I dunno, I was always taught “ladies first” growing up and I’m not going to change now, unless she’s 5 people back, than she can go f* herself cause I got places to be
And “lift” is just how those silly Brits refer to elevators. They also say things like “car boot” instead of “trunk” and “mobile” instead of “cell phone.” They’re not pretentious for doing so, just “different”
According to a guy who lives in my building, a gentleman is to precede a lady “in events which may lead to assault or plummeting.” Should the elevator choose to malfunction, it is the man who will gallantly fall to his death, thereby preserving social order and chivalrous tradition.
Wise up and accept your fate as elevator bait. Thank you.
love
yams!!
6a: Assuming you’re not yelling down the phone, why is this any different than having a quiet conversation with your immediate neighbour?
6b: If your mp3 player is loud enough to be heard by other people it is already too loud, so TURN IT THE FUCK DOWN anyway regardless of whether you’re in a lift or not.
