Moron Elevator Etiquette

The BBQ Pit
1

Hello, fucker. We really have to stop meeting this way.

This isn’t the first time you’ve accidentally walked right into me. This time I got an added bonus, as I happened to be holding the coffee I just poured myself, and now I get to walk around to client meetings looking like I’m lactating espresso from my left breast.

Of course, this could have been prevented, had you picked up on a few of the things most of us learned prior to kindergarten. This being the Pit and all, I will now cover all of these items for you. Try to keep up.

Lesson #1 - Two solids cannot occupy the same space at the same time
I’ve encountered your uncoordinated ass at several times in the recent past, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re one of those self-absorbed types who walks *at *people, expecting them to get the hell out of your way, because you’re just that important. Apparently, this sense of entitlement has kept you from learning basic laws of physics, like the one about solid objects and what the fuck happens when they try to occupy the same space at the same time. When those solid objects happen to be two human beings, the attempt to exist simultaneously within the same space results in a “collision,” which can often be unpleasant, largely due to the principles discussed in Lesson #2.

Lesson #2 - Every action has an equal and opposite reaction
When you collide with me as the direct result of your dunderheadedness (or for any reason, for that matter), you’re applying a force to me and my fucking coffee. Normally, this isn’t a problem, since you’re a sawed-off little twit and I’m much bigger than you. But when I’m carrying coffee, it’s a big deal. Especially on days when I have client meetings and don’t need coffee stains on the front of my shirt. Expect that if you haven’t learned this basic law of physics by now, especially after this latest incident, I will be happy to demonstrate it again by dropping a shoulder the next time I see you absentmindedly coming at me while looking in a different direction. Perhaps getting leveled a few times will clarify things for you.

Lesson #3 - Watch where you are going
This isn’t some odd colloquialism that people use in order to hear the sound of their own voices. It literally means that you ought to point your eyes in the direction you’re fucking headed. The reasoning for this should be evident, but since you’d probably forget to breathe if your secretary didn’t lob you a reminder every once in a while, I’ll break it down for you. Moving in a specific direction greatly increases the chance of having one of those unpleasant “collisions” we discussed in lessons 1 and 2 somewhere along your path of travel. Keeping your eyes looking forward helps you quickly anticipate where and when force will need to be applied in order to avoid said collisions. Get it? Good. Now, understand that the rest of us learned this lesson as toddlers and it usually involved the sharp edge of a coffee table. That’s how far behind the rest of us you are.

Lesson #4 - Let people out of an enclosed space before you cram yourself into that enclosed space
Arguably, this is the toughest lesson in this quick refresher course I’m giving, because there are quite a few other people in Manhattan who also don’t seem to understand this. We refer to them as “assholes.”

Look around you. Whether you’re about to enter a subway, narrow building vestibule or somebody’s office, if someone is simultaneously trying to leave that enclosed space, you momentarily chill yourself and allow them to exit before you enter. Not only is it common courtesy, but it keeps two people from having to awkwardly try to navigate around one another within a cramped area. Yep, I’m once again talking about that “collision” concept you seem to have such a problem with.

Lesson #5 - Determining whether someone is in an enclosed space (like an elevator) involves using your senses before charging headlong into said enclosed space
Combining lessons 3 and 4, you should be able to figure out that it’s conceivable that when elevator doors open, there might be someone else on the other side of those doors who wants to exit. Thus, you shouldn’t charge into an elevator without looking. It’s how that chick from L.A. Law died.
There, that wasn’t so hard now, was it? Now that I’ve taken the time to break all this down for you and re-educate your sorry ass on some of the basics that we all take for granted, we won’t have any more incidents like the one on Thursday, will we? That’s good, because if you ever carelessly run into me again, I’m going to pour whatever remains of my coffee over your misshapen head, beat the ever-living snot out of you, and take your wallet for good measure. (I figure that as long as I’m getting in trouble with the cops for laying you out, I might as well take your Amex over to the men’s clothing store down the block and replace the shirts you’ve ruined before they haul me off to the pokey.)

Thank you. That is all.

2

Just curious - were you exiting the elevator?

3

Indeed.

4

Oh, yeah, I remember that episode! Points for this!

Yup.

Good rant!

5

I think you just ran into this guy -> http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=152737&highlight=emporer+world

You obviously aren’t paying attention or you would know that it is your place to vacate the space he intends to occupy.

Nice rant by the way, could have used a fuck nugget or two on the bame calling.

6

THespos, without saying I’m a sock, ARE YOU ME?!?!

I live in New York (25 years), and I’m always a man of verge of a breakdown about all of the things you pitted (a 10 out of 10, by the way).

Just this past Friday, I was getting off the F train, and a horde of pillaging Mongols insisted on trying to rush in where even even fools would have hesitated to tread right away.

I threw my hands in the air (literally), waved 'em like I just didn’t care (not really), and said at the top of my voice: “Stop, you *have * to let me off first!”

They stopped, not because they were obeying me, but because they were so shocked, startled and shit-shorted by my command, they couldn’t help themselves.

Oh, and points also on the Roz reference!

7

And the moral of the story is…always have a spare clean shirt in the office, ready for when the fuckwits are out.

8

Bullshit! The moral of the story is - Make sure the coffee spills on the Asshole instead of you! Helps with his learning process.

9

Funny thing is that I’m usually in the practice of keeping a spare shirt at the office. When this jerk ran into me, the spare shirt had been worn home due to a prior incident, and I hadn’t yet brought another one in.

10

Given that the fuckwit appears never to have learned the sharp coffee table corner lesson, perhaps it would not be amiss to carry an office-compatible simulacrum onto the elevator, hold it in fuckwit-impaling alignment when said fuckwit is observed, and allow it to impart the laws of physics in a most satisfying way.

11

I love the people who don’t understand that the elevator is not the outside, and continue to have 120 Db conversations while standing next to you in a small iron box. The worst one was a woman who apparently was having a conversation with a stand up comic, because she spent the entire time I saw her laughing hysterically into her cell phone, making noises like a donkey being chainsawed, only louder and right in my ear. She will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

People who look at a packed elevator and insist that there’s room for ‘just one more’ can join the rest of em up against the wall too. No lady, I’m sure the kid you crushed up against the side of the elevator with your gigantic ass will be fine, see he’s one of the new deflatable designs.

12

You must have a more commanding voice than I. Often when I try to exit the trolley, the cattle are already trying to get on. I’ll say “coming out.” Then I’ll say it louder. Then I’ll shout it. Then I’ll shout it directly into people’s ears from three inches away, coupled with a look that says “You fucking moron, get out of my way.” If they look at me at all, they look like the way a cow looks at a clever pun. And they still don’t get out of the way.

13

<shamelessly stealing phrase>

</shamelessly stealing phrase>

14

Not to worry. It was already stolen..

15

Hmm, I knew I’d heard that somewhere.

16

I think the tinge of “I ain’t havin’ it today, folks,” is what did it.

17

Like you, I find a nice, irritated bellow of “On laisse sortir, siou plaît!” does wonders for clearing the path.

And then sometimes not – one day metro service was interrupted so we were all crammed into buses. The bus I was on had just reached a metro station, so a lot of people were trying to get off. As they were getting off through the rear door (people were being allowed to get on through the rear door too because of the circumstances), this dude talking on one of those ear-bud cellphones kept trying to forge his way into the bus through the relentless human tide. People were not being shy about yelling at him to LAISSE SORTIR LE MONDE AVANT D’EMBARQUER! but, as I say, his hearing was impaired by his device. However, you would have thought that the sheer volume of people disembarking at once would have tipped him off that what he was attempting was impractical as well as rude. Sheesh.

18

Your height?

Fuckwit’s height? (Do they qualify as a member of the Little Man’s club?)

If the height difference between the two of you is significant, have you thought of setting yourself up to where your coffee ends up being pouring all over the twit and not you?

19

I’m sure that’s not a problem for your male co-workers, depending on how attractive you are…

The proper way to exit an enclosed space while carrying a beverage is with a stiff arm, wielding the cup like a weapon and allowing it to crush (like automotive “crumple zones”) against the body of the other person.

At which point you ignore the damage to their clothing and scream about how you just burned your hand (assuming a hot beverage) and that the other person, besides being an inobservant pack of expletives wrapped in stupid, now owes you another beverage.

20

Oh, no no no. This is all wrong.

Don’t take his Amex – they’re much sticklier about use and theft and such. Swipe a nice Visa or MC or Discover card. You’ll get much more use out of it.