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  #1  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:42 AM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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Married Men. Are You Still Getting Blow Jobs?

I've been happily married and or living together with my spouse for 30 years yet I haven't experienced a blow job for probably 10 years and its looking more and more like I'll never get one again.

Is this normal ?
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  #2  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:47 AM
Askance Askance is offline
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What difference would it make if it were or weren't? Do you feel your wife is obliged to provide such just because it's (so-called) normal elsewhere? What ever is or is not right in your marriage is entirely unrelated to what the random collection of folks who read this thread find to be what they consider "normal".
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  #3  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:53 AM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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Originally Posted by Askance View Post
What difference would it make if it were or weren't? Do you feel your wife is obliged to provide such just because it's (so-called) normal elsewhere? What ever is or is not right in your marriage is entirely unrelated to what the random collection of folks who read this thread find to be what they consider "normal".
Can't a fellow just be curious?
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  #4  
Old 05-04-2009, 01:16 AM
ZipperJJ ZipperJJ is offline
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What is her reasoning when you ask her and she declines?
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  #5  
Old 05-04-2009, 01:34 AM
Justin Credible Justin Credible is offline
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Still?
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  #6  
Old 05-04-2009, 01:49 AM
Mesquite-oh Mesquite-oh is offline
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Originally Posted by Askance View Post
What difference would it make if it were or weren't? Do you feel your wife is obliged to provide such just because it's (so-called) normal elsewhere? What ever is or is not right in your marriage is entirely unrelated to what the random collection of folks who read this thread find to be what they consider "normal".
Geez, Askance ,let the guy ask a question. The Dope is a great place to ask questions about topics you might not feel comfortable asking your friend or neighbor. The Flying Dutchman is self disclosing something personal about his sex life to see if others have had similar experiences (changing sexual practices over the course of a long relationship) or concerns that what they are experiencing or feeling is unusual. I think that it is a great question for IMHO. As to the OP's question, I haven't collected enough data (years being married) to contribute an answer!

Last edited by Mesquite-oh; 05-04-2009 at 01:51 AM..
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  #7  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:11 AM
Shakes Shakes is online now
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I always got it from my wife until our divorce.

I once told a girl that I've never experienced this thing were GFs or wives all of the sudden go frigid and stop putting out.

Her response to me was: "Well that must be because you make sure the woman is getting her needs taken care of. You'd be surprized how many selfish guys that are out there."

That little insight has been something that has stuck with me for many years.

So, FDM, ten years ago when you got your last BJ, you didn't just roll over and go to sleep after it was done; did you?

Last edited by Shakes; 05-04-2009 at 02:12 AM..
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  #8  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:11 AM
panache45 panache45 is online now
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Over the years I have known many married men who regularly got blow jobs . . . from other men.
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  #9  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:15 AM
panache45 panache45 is online now
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Originally Posted by SHAKES View Post
I always got it from my wife until our divorce.

I once told a girl that I've never experienced this thing were GFs or wives all of the sudden go frigid and stop putting out.

Her response to me was: "Well that must be because you make sure the woman is getting her needs taken care of. You'd be surprized how many selfish guys that are out there."

That little insight has been something that has stuck with me for many years.

So, FDM, ten years ago when you got your last BJ, you didn't just roll over and go to sleep after it was done; did you?
Your implication is that the person giving the blow job isn't getting any pleasure, and needs reciprocation. That's not always the case. Some people enjoy doing it, and that's all they want.
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  #10  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:19 AM
Shakes Shakes is online now
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Originally Posted by panache45 View Post
Your implication is that the person giving the blow job isn't getting any pleasure, and needs reciprocation. That's not always the case. Some people enjoy doing it, and that's all they want.

I agree. But it's quite obvious to me that FDM's wife isn't one of those people.
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  #11  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:29 AM
Red Skeezix Red Skeezix is offline
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Just to put it into context, how frequently are you having sex? I mean if she was doing it 1/3 of the time before, and you've had sex twice in the last decade that might be telling.
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  #12  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:34 AM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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Originally Posted by ZipperJJ View Post
What is her reasoning when you ask her and she declines?
I've never asked. If I've got to ask it wouldn't be very satisfying.
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  #13  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:39 AM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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Originally Posted by Red Skeezix View Post
Just to put it into context, how frequently are you having sex? I mean if she was doing it 1/3 of the time before, and you've had sex twice in the last decade that might be telling.
Not enough.

Why can't anyone answer my question ?
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  #14  
Old 05-04-2009, 02:41 AM
Malacandra Malacandra is offline
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Originally Posted by SHAKES View Post
I always got it from my wife until our divorce.

I once told a girl that I've never experienced this thing were GFs or wives all of the sudden go frigid and stop putting out.

Her response to me was: "Well that must be because you make sure the woman is getting her needs taken care of. You'd be surprized how many selfish guys that are out there."

That little insight has been something that has stuck with me for many years.

So, FDM, ten years ago when you got your last BJ, you didn't just roll over and go to sleep after it was done; did you?
I know the stereotype is that women stop providing BJs once they've got the ring on their finger, the same as they stop showing any interest in weight control, but equally, some just plain don't like doing it, married or single, and it makes no difference if they're getting all the orgasms they can handle by whatever means they prefer.
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  #15  
Old 05-04-2009, 04:36 AM
rogerbox rogerbox is offline
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Why haven't you asked your wife why she doesn't anymore? If you can't communicate with her, it's not surprising your sex life is suffering.
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  #16  
Old 05-04-2009, 05:02 AM
BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed is offline
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I can't answer your question because I'm not married.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've never asked. If I've got to ask it wouldn't be very satisfying.
An unsatisfying BJ is like bad pizza: still pretty damn good.

(NB unsatisfying != bad)
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  #17  
Old 05-04-2009, 05:05 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've been happily married and or living together with my spouse for 30 years yet I haven't experienced a blow job for probably 10 years and its looking more and more like I'll never get one again.

Is this normal ?
In my homeland (Navarra, in northern Spain) and age group (I'm 41), BJ's were considered "advanced skills:" you'd be likely to not start getting them until one or two years after the wedding. Traditional anniversary gift, in fact. Just pointing it out to see if the OP's head explodes...

Last edited by Nava; 05-04-2009 at 05:06 AM..
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  #18  
Old 05-04-2009, 05:26 AM
Spezza Spezza is offline
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Yes, I am.
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Old 05-04-2009, 05:31 AM
Lynn Bodoni Lynn Bodoni is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've been happily married and or living together with my spouse for 30 years yet I haven't experienced a blow job for probably 10 years and its looking more and more like I'll never get one again.

Is this normal ?
Ask her why. Maybe you've changed flavor or something.

I will tell you this...when my husband was smoking, his whole body tasted of cigarette smoke. Very nasty. However, chocolate flavored condoms were an acceptable compromise for us. He felt that getting a blowjob through a condom was better than no blow job, and I felt that the chocolaty flavor and smell helped overcome the smoke smell from the rest of his body.

And I'm a whole lot more likely to give a blow job if I've been satisfied first.
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  #20  
Old 05-04-2009, 05:41 AM
Maastricht Maastricht is offline
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Yes, in both marriages (first one 15 years; current one 3 years). About once a month. Almost never to "completion", though.

Last edited by Maastricht; 05-04-2009 at 05:44 AM..
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  #21  
Old 05-04-2009, 06:19 AM
Gus Gusterson Gus Gusterson is offline
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My wife has never given me a real blowjob. She didn't when she was my girlfriend either. She'll do something that approximates sucking my dick for a minute or two if I ask, but I've stopped asking because it's so disappointing. "There's no such thing as a bad blowjob" is BS. People who say that either haven't gotten a lot of blowjobs or they've been very lucky. I've been with women who give great blowjobs. A bad blowjob is a tragedy.

[Yes, I've talked with my wife about this and it doesn't help. She's simply not interested in giving me blowjobs. I don't think that will ever change.]
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  #22  
Old 05-04-2009, 06:24 AM
Algorithm Algorithm is offline
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Originally Posted by Gus Gusterson View Post
"There's no such thing as a bad blowjob" is BS.
Sad, so very sad, but also very true.

Pro tip: the penis is not a straw, and there isn't actually a milkshake in there.
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  #23  
Old 05-04-2009, 06:47 AM
Miss Violaceous Miss Violaceous is offline
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If you ask for it and show her how much you appreciate it, maybe she'll work it back into the regular rotation. And having a discussion about it would help too. You can't criticize your wife for a lack of desire if you aren't giving any indication of what you want. She probably feels undesired as well.

And nobody's answering your question because none of us are men who have been married for 30 years, I'm guessing.
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  #24  
Old 05-04-2009, 07:06 AM
spazurek spazurek is offline
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For us it's our during-the-period activity. I sometimes offer to reciprocate with a helping hand/other body part, but she's usually not feeling very horny during her period.

However, in February she got a Mirena IUD placed, which means no more full-on periods. So, I haven't gotten a BJ in several months, though more sex, so no complaints. I think my wife would be up for it if I said I missed it, which I probably will at some poiint.
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  #25  
Old 05-04-2009, 07:12 AM
chela chela is offline
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For us it's our during-the-period activity. I sometimes offer to reciprocate with a helping hand/other body part, but she's usually not feeling very horny during her period.

However, in February she got a Mirena IUD placed, which means no more full-on periods. So, I haven't gotten a BJ in several months, though more sex, so no complaints. I think my wife would be up for it if I said I missed it, which I probably will at some poiint.

menstruating = not feeling horny = blowjob?
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  #26  
Old 05-04-2009, 07:44 AM
MrDibble MrDibble is online now
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Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've never asked. If I've got to ask it wouldn't be very satisfying.
This attitude puzzles me. How can you or she really know what the other wants without talking?

FTR, I've been married 10 years and still get them very frequently (as in, 80% of our sexual encounters include oral)
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  #27  
Old 05-04-2009, 07:51 AM
spazurek spazurek is offline
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Originally Posted by chela View Post
menstruating = not feeling horny = blowjob?
Don't you ever do something for someone just because it will make them feel good?
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  #28  
Old 05-04-2009, 08:04 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
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In my homeland (Navarra, in northern Spain) and age group (I'm 41), BJ's were considered "advanced skills:" you'd be likely to not start getting them until one or two years after the wedding. Traditional anniversary gift, in fact. Just pointing it out to see if the OP's head explodes...




Damn. Here in the US the traditional first year anniversary gift is Paper.




I'm moving to Spain.




Or I would if I weren't already married.
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  #29  
Old 05-04-2009, 08:44 AM
chela chela is offline
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Originally Posted by spazurek View Post
Don't you ever do something for someone just because it will make them feel good?

Yes, do you?

Of course it is also ultimately my choice and my decision and not an expected duty to be performed in accordance with a schedule!
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  #30  
Old 05-04-2009, 08:47 AM
spazurek spazurek is offline
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Originally Posted by chela View Post
Yes, do you?

Of course it is also ultimately my choice and my decision and not an expected duty to be performed in accordance with a schedule!
Um, I don't see where the snark is coming from...I'd give my wife any sexual pleasure she desired at any time, regardless of whether or not there were any reciprocation. I enjoy it on many levels, not just as part of horniness. And who said anything about 'expected duty' or 'schedule'? I simply reported the pattern that has occurred in our home. I may get a little frustrated if I'm horny and she's not interested in doing anything, as would she, but (to state the pathetically obvious) it's never anyone's duty -- what fun would that be anyway???

Last edited by spazurek; 05-04-2009 at 08:50 AM..
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Old 05-04-2009, 09:04 AM
Smeghead Smeghead is offline
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Yes, I am.
Me too, two years in.
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  #32  
Old 05-04-2009, 09:42 AM
Moirai Moirai is offline
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Hubby and I have been married for almost 15 years, and he gets a blow job to begin each sex session, usually. It's not a stand-alone, though- it's a bit of foreplay because I don't swallow.
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  #33  
Old 05-04-2009, 09:50 AM
Maastricht Maastricht is offline
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Guys, perhaps a question of definition.

I think most ladies in here consider a "blow-job" to be a few minutes mouth action, usually intended to be a part of foreplay. That is how I meant it, anyway. Is that what you consider a "blow-job", too? Or are you referring to something more like 15 minutes action, resulting in orgasm in (or very near) your ladies' mouth?
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  #34  
Old 05-04-2009, 09:54 AM
Telperien Telperien is offline
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Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've never asked. If I've got to ask it wouldn't be very satisfying.
That might be your problem right there. I always thought it was considered polite, even among long-time spouses, to ask for something one wanted instead of merely expecting it to occur. This goes for both spouses, too, in case anyone was considering making any remarks about that.

But what do I know? I've never been married and never will be.
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  #35  
Old 05-04-2009, 09:58 AM
dangermom dangermom is offline
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Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've never asked. If I've got to ask it wouldn't be very satisfying.
Maybe she wants to feel like you really want her to do it, and the fact that you haven't asked makes it seem like you don't care or don't want her to. I think you should try asking.
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  #36  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:02 AM
chela chela is offline
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Originally Posted by spazurek View Post
Um, I don't see where the snark is coming from...I'd give my wife any sexual pleasure she desired at any time, regardless of whether or not there were any reciprocation. I enjoy it on many levels, not just as part of horniness. And who said anything about 'expected duty' or 'schedule'? I simply reported the pattern that has occurred in our home. I may get a little frustrated if I'm horny and she's not interested in doing anything, as would she, but (to state the pathetically obvious) it's never anyone's duty -- what fun would that be anyway???

no snark, just note that with the departure of her menses it appears she now has a choice to give head or not. Like you said it has been several months since the last one.

Last edited by chela; 05-04-2009 at 10:04 AM..
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  #37  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:03 AM
palindromemordnilap palindromemordnilap is offline
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In case no one has answered the OP satisfactorily, I will. TFD, it's normal for married men to get less oral sex after decades of marrriage. It's also normal for couples to have never engaged in oral sex, and it's normal for couples to engage in oral sex daily for 50 years.

There's so much focus on sex in our society but so little discussion at the personal level that a lot of people think we must be the only ones missing out on something or other. There really isn't any such thing as "normal" in sex because everyone is different--so whatever level of sexual activity you're comfortable with is normal. The issue isn't how much other married guys get, it's how you feel about your sex life, and what you can do to change it if you're not satisfied.
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  #38  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:15 AM
njtt njtt is offline
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I guess it is all a matter of taste, but I have never understood why so many men seem to feel that whether or not they are getting blow-jobs from their woman to be such a big deal. I have always got much more pleasure from fucking than from being blown. If you are getting laid enough, why should you care about the blow jobs?

Frankly I always got the impression that my ex-wife enjoyed giving me a blow job distinctly more than I enjoyed getting it (not that I hated it or anything), and I am pretty sure I enjoyed licking her out more than she enjoyed having me do it. Also, I have always assumed that gay guys like sucking cocks at least as much as they like being sucked. I guess I think oral sex is as more for the benefit of the mouth than for the genitals, though I can understand why some people find it gross. Maybe I am just weird though.
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  #39  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:21 AM
Long Time First Time Long Time First Time is offline
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This attitude puzzles me. How can you or she really know what the other wants without talking?
It's very possible that she stopped because she thinks you don't enjoy them. If you never mentioned that you liked them and never discussed them afterwords- she probably has no clue that you miss them.

I'm pretty sure the discussion was meant to be held at some neutral time point as part of a larger discussion about what you both prefer or not. Not something asked for in the heat of the moment.

You need to responsibility for your own pleasure. If you expect your wife to read your mind, you'll both end up frustrated and unhappy.
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  #40  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:26 AM
Rigamarole Rigamarole is offline
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I don't think simply putting it your mouth for a few minutes pre-sex is a blow job. My conception of a blow job has always been a full oral session from start to finish.
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  #41  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:46 AM
shiftless shiftless is offline
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To answer the OP - yep, that's normal in my experience. After a few years I ain't getting anything if I don't ask for it and I'm probably not getting it then either. When we were dating (20 some odd years ago) I could expect a bJ every now and then, maybe even in some odd exciting place like the car or her parents living room (Yowza!) These days I may get a little action as forplay but the play itself is rare enough.
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  #42  
Old 05-04-2009, 10:56 AM
justrob justrob is offline
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If you are getting laid enough, why should you care about the blow jobs?
Pumpkin pie is my favorite dessert but I really like some chocloate cake every now and then also.
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  #43  
Old 05-04-2009, 11:21 AM
Jonathan Chance Jonathan Chance is offline
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Originally Posted by Maastricht View Post
Guys, perhaps a question of definition.

I think most ladies in here consider a "blow-job" to be a few minutes mouth action, usually intended to be a part of foreplay. That is how I meant it, anyway. Is that what you consider a "blow-job", too? Or are you referring to something more like 15 minutes action, resulting in orgasm in (or very near) your ladies' mouth?
Yeah, I'd say a blow job is not foreplay, it's the point of the encounter leading to climax. So there's clear definitional differences there.

I've been with Lady Chance for 23 years now, married for 16, and I still get 'em regularly. If anything, they're more frequent.
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  #44  
Old 05-04-2009, 11:32 AM
Cat Fight Cat Fight is offline
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Originally Posted by spazurek View Post
I'd give my wife any sexual pleasure she desired at any time, regardless of whether or not there were any reciprocation.
No snark intended, but do you? I only ask because the 'blowjay while on the rag' thing is common, or even just the 'blowjob to completion, then go to bed,' but a guy giving his girlfriend or wife oral or a handjob when she's in the mood and he's not, or when he's feeling under the weather... not so much.
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  #45  
Old 05-04-2009, 11:41 AM
Gus Gusterson Gus Gusterson is offline
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I guess it is all a matter of taste, but I have never understood why so many men seem to feel that whether or not they are getting blow-jobs from their woman to be such a big deal. I have always got much more pleasure from fucking than from being blown. If you are getting laid enough, why should you care about the blow jobs?
Because a really great blowjob is just about the best thing in the entire world. I don't think it's as much a matter of taste (though, of course, personal preferences differ) as I think it's that many men simply never have gotten a really great blowjob. They don't know how good it can be, so they don't see the big deal.

Before I met my wife, I got some tremendous blowjobs. Deepthroat, ball-licking, cum-swallowing, grinning-and-looking-into-your-eyes-while-she-does-it blowjobs. I also got some awful blowjobs, where I had to make her stop because it was just a travesty. And, of course, there was everything in between. But, I'm telling you, if this girl I know named Micki had ever sucked your dick, you would understand.
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  #46  
Old 05-04-2009, 11:43 AM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Not married (yet) but we've been together for 8 years. I still give regular blow jobs. He gets full on, swallow BJ's during my period (when I don't want sex but want him to have some fun) and once or twice sometime during the month. I also give foreplay BJ's about half the time the rest of the month.

I don't love doing it, but I don't mind horribly either.
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  #47  
Old 05-04-2009, 11:57 AM
Malacandra Malacandra is offline
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Originally Posted by Lynn Bodoni View Post
And I'm a whole lot more likely to give a blow job if I've been satisfied first.
Again, an interesting contrast with the Mrs, who if she is going to be up for any exotic practices (and you better figure that oral counts as exotic) will only be so while thoroughly aroused but pre-orgasmic. Once she's got there, oral, anal or anything like that is right out the window, and I've got maybe a minute, two tops, to finish inside her or be relegated to an apathetic handjob with a side order of yawning, burping and maybe complaining that her arm is getting tired.

As to Cat Fight's question about what she gets if she's up for it and I'm not - I don't believe the situation has ever arisen. Sometimes I've been told after the fact that she resorted to a few pages of Nancy Friday and her own fingers because she just wanted "relief without the hassle"; that's the closest approach, and the tactful phrasing obviously cheers me no end.

Oh, and the idea of giving me oral because she's out of order but wants me to have some fun... :rofl:

Last edited by Malacandra; 05-04-2009 at 11:59 AM..
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  #48  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:01 PM
Maastricht Maastricht is offline
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I don't think simply putting it your mouth for a few minutes pre-sex is a blow job. My conception of a blow job has always been a full oral session from start to finish.
Oh dear. In that case, I have just once in my life given a man a blow-job, and never to my SO's. And here I was thinking I was a sex goddess.
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  #49  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:05 PM
spazurek spazurek is offline
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Originally Posted by chela View Post
no snark, just note that with the departure of her menses it appears she now has a choice to give head or not. Like you said it has been several months since the last one.
Well, yes, she prefers intercourse to giving me oral sex. I'm happy to oblige. Interpret that how you shall.
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  #50  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:07 PM
razncain razncain is offline
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Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I've been happily married and or living together with my spouse for 30 years yet I haven't experienced a blow job for probably 10 years and its looking more and more like I'll never get one again.

Is this normal ?
Well, Iím single, not married, but personally, I think you are missing out. I think itís normal for you to want it. Quite a few women seem to go through a great deal of hormonal irregularities throughout their lifetime than men do, particularly after childbearing and all too, so it might possibly be physical, and she doesnít have the desire for sex much more, and find the bj aspect even less appealing to her.

If she hasnít done this for you in that long, then perhaps you need to please her orally first, and see if she reciprocates. Try this for several lovemaking sessions, and if she still isnít receptive, you really need to talk to her about this and give her a chance. I think trust is the worldís greatest aphrodisiac, so just have some pillow talk sessions, possibly after love making; be understanding, and listen as well as talk. Tell her the things you like of what she does, and how you miss some other aspects, and ask her what can you do as well, to help please her more. I used to have a older gf who would occasionally do a bj for me as some kind of special treat, but gosh it was often months apart. That wasnít why we split up, but other reasons not related to the bedroom. Finally found an Italian gf who thoroughly enjoyed it with just about every love making session, and gosh, what a difference the right kind of woman makes! Some women enjoy it a hell of a lot more than others!

I went and dug up a special poll done on a singles site because of your question, and I think youíll appreciate that at least with this small sampling of 73 women voters, most women do enjoy it. Of course it being a singles site, I doubt any married women of 30 years participated in it, but it should give you some idea. Read the results and also the posts, it was both funny and educational for me. If youíve managed 30 years with this same woman, I have a feeliní you two can work this out. Enjoy the poll and thread and the best of luck to you.

http://www.connectingsingles.com/pol...adies.htm?nt=6
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