What does it mean to be 'needy' in a relationship?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In your opinion, what are the marks of being ‘needy’, in a relationship context?

Do you think a needy person will always be like that, in every relationship, as a characteristic of their personality? Would you consider ‘neediness’ more like a spectrum: if two people who are further apart on the spectrum are in a relationship, it might become an issue, but if they are in similar spots on the scale then neither will consider the other odd?

Do you ever feel like you’re acting ‘needy’ in certain situations or with certain people, even if you wouldn’t generally call yourself a needy person? If so, does this bother you? Conversely, when people act needy towards you, or do you find it burdensome?

Sorry for the interrogation-style OP - I haven’t quite figured out how to begin discussion without just banging out the questions :slight_smile:

2

Hmmmm. I’m going to try to tackle some of these (though I’m not the most eloquent person around these parts). I know some people who are quite needy (emotional vampires, I call them), and have dated guys (well in the past, as I’ve been happily married for more than 20 years) who were needy.

If a person constantly demands to know where their partner is, or if they constantly demand attention/affection/validation from their partner, that’s needy. (Example: if you go on a screaming or sobbing fit because it’s been two whole hours since your partner has said “I love you” or told you you’re sexy or attractive, etc.)

I think it is a personality characteristic, but may be associated (at least sometimes) with mental disorders, which can be helped with meds/behavioral therapy. Therefore, I think it’s a characteristic that can be changed. But until they change it by choice, it will continue to be a factor in every relationship.

Yes, I think it’s a spectrum. I think most of us are needy to some degree. Whether it affects the relationship negatively depends on a lot of things. Certainly, people closer on the spectrum are either less likely to find their partner’s behavior “odd”, or they are outright thankful to have found someone as screwed up as they are (I believe a lot of very needy people know they’re not ‘normal’). Another factor is how tolerant the partner is. I’m needier than my hubby. I don’t consider myself inordinately needy, but he is remarkably self-sufficient. He accepts this. He deals with it. He gives me what I need (I need to hear him say “I love you” every so often, at least a couple of times a week, I guess; it wouldn’t bother him much if I never said it; he says if I ever stop loving him, he presumes I’ll let him know. Until then, he’ll assume I still love him. :wink: ).

As I said, I think most of us are needy sometimes. I have one sister and certain friends I can call up or email and say “Hey, I just need some sympathy right now; do you have time to listen to me whine?” If they have time, they’ll listen, offer sympathy, and I’ll feel better. If they don’t have time, I’ll find someone who does.

No, as I said, I don’t think I’m over-the-top needy. But sometimes I want validation, acknowledgment, appreciation, affection. I feel comfortable enough in my relationships asking for these things.

If they are exhibiting the same occasional neediness that I do (or similar), no, I don’t find it burdensome. However, I refuse to have relationships with emotional vampires. If a person is always putting themselves down because they want me to refute what they’re saying, thereby complimenting them, that’s a turn-off. If a person feels entitled to a lot of my time (except in extreme circumstances, like unusual emotional emergencies), that’s a turn-off. I’ve had friends who would get jealous if I went shopping with other friends and didn’t invite them. That’s burdensome. But what I would consider “normal” neediness? No, I’m cool with that.

Has that been any help?

3

That reminds me of a comedian who attempted to describe the difference between men and women.

“When men say ‘I love you’, we mean ‘I love you… until further notice!’”

Which jibes with how I’d see it - if I say “I love you”, then that’s how I feel, and if that ever changes, I’d let you know :wink: I, much like your husband, don’t feel the need to have to constantly reassure my partner of my love. As for whether that is reciprocated is an entirely different story!

“Emotional vampires”. That’s a good one.

4

Neediness is usually simply defined as needing constant attention paid to them, to reinfoce the idea that someone is actually attracted to them.

Yes it’s a characteristic of their personality, but it’s not like such things can’t be changed. It probably won’t happen unless they acknowledge it’s not a positive trait and set out specifically to change it.

Of course it’s a spectrum. Very needy <—> very secure.

If two people are close to being needy, they won’t find it at all annoying to have to always reinforce their SO’s ego in that “yes I actually find you attractive. Yes, I care about you” et cetera.

Yes in past relationships I have been very needy. If you can hunt down the thread I started asking men whether or not they can tell when a woman is checking them out, you’ll see that I say I have a hard time believing females find me attractive.

This has led to me needing the occasional boost from whatever current girl I’m seeing to tell me she is actually into me, isn’t just waiting for someone better, and so on.

Yes it bothers me because it’s not a good thing, like previously stated.

Yes I do find it burdensome. I’ve managed to date girls that were more needy than me, making me look downright well-adjusted. It’s annoying as fuck for someone to never believe you when you say you like being around them and always having to convince them that you find them attractive.

5

I am a rather needy person. I fear for the person who ends up dating me.

6

The big warning sign of neediness for me is complaining about not getting as much attention as you want. I think it’s normal for different people to want different amounts of attention, but when you get a situation where one person is complaining about it (and is in a place in their mind where they think that’s going to fix the problem), that’s neediness.

I think neediness is just an outgrowth of the natural human desire for sociability. That’s not to say it isn’t annoying as fuck sometimes, but I do think that certain amounts are pretty normal.

Generally, I think people want what they don’t have, so in relationships with imbalanced neediness, the difference is exaggerated. I’ve been on both sides of the equation, and both bother me. I’m more often the un-needy partner, and then I start to resent the constant demands for attention and validation. This makes me even more reluctant to respond favorably. On the other hand, not getting that validation can kill your self-esteem, and make you more needy. I’ve had one relationship where I was in that situation, and I didn’t really know how to deal with it, which made me respond poorly. Didn’t end well.

So, I don’t think it’s necessarily a set attribute someone has, so much as a combination of natural inclination and the relationship in question. Ideally, you’d want to be with someone for whom it’s natural to want the same level of attention, but that’s not always practical.

7

Speaking from personal experience, I think I have a normal spectrum of neediness. I find that it depends a lot on the specific relationship and the personality of the other person. If I’m secure in the relationship then I’m not at all needy, on the other hand if I’m with someone who I don’t entirely trust then the more negative emotions come out of me, neediness, jealousy etc. I’ve been married for eight years now and neither of us are particularly needy, I think we are both very secure with each other.

8

Needyness is inversely proportional to how confident a person feels in a relationship. Nothing more or less.

9

In your opinion, what are the marks of being ‘needy’, in a relationship context?

Requiring the partner to provide things that a healthy, well-balanced person can provide for themselves.

Examples include: Constantly requiring that the partner compliments them on their appearance as opposed to looking in the mirror themselves and deciding that they look good. Wanting the partner to be with them 24/7, instead of learning how to be comfortable being alone from time to time. Asking the partner to perform a task they are capable of performing themselves.

You haven’t asked, but I think this can come from two ways:

  1. One person starts off being needy, and seeks to be controlled by a stronger person
  2. One person is controlling, and reduces the other person’s esteem to the point where they become needy

***Do you think a needy person will always be like that, in every relationship, as a characteristic of their personality? ***

If they don’t recognise that they are needy, then quite possibly. But all of us change over time with experience and I would say most of us have been needy at some stage in our lives. Let’s face it, as baby’s, we were all needy. We were then (hopefully) taught by our parents and education and society how to be independent adults as we grew up.

***Would you consider ‘neediness’ more like a spectrum: if two people who are further apart on the spectrum are in a relationship, it might become an issue, but if they are in similar spots on the scale then neither will consider the other odd? ***

That’s an interesting question.

For your first part, where people are far apart on the spectrum, it could go either way. A non-needy person could feel quite happy that they are doing things for their partner. But over time, I would expect the neediness to increase. Not doing something for yourself makes the idea of doing it for yourself much more scary, so over time I would expect the needy person to become needier. This could result in the non-needy person feeling resentful, that they are doing ‘more than their share’ for the relationship.

If both the people are needy, and are able to meet each others needs, then could they be living happy lives? A part of me thinks no, because there are always going to be situations where a person needs to stand on their own two feet, such as the workplace, where the other partner cannot be present.

Do you ever feel like you’re acting ‘needy’ in certain situations or with certain people, even if you wouldn’t generally call yourself a needy person? If so, does this bother you?

I go through confident and unconfident periods, and during the unconfident periods, I am needier than when I am confident. But I think that’s quite natural.

There is a particular situation where I am needy, and that is talking on the phone. I hate talking on the phone, i feel extremely uncomfortable, and so my husband generally answers the phone.

Conversely, when people act needy towards you, or do you find it burdensome?

I appreciate that there are times when people go through needy periods, depending on what else is happening in their lives. My friend lost her mother, and needed extra support and attention. That is natural. That was not a burden, that was part of being a good friend.

However, someone who is needy in many aspects of their life, when there is no external reason for being that way, that can annoy me.

I think if the way you live your life is being impaired by your mental health, then you should seek help for that, in the same way you should seek medical help if your life is being impaired by a physical illness. In both situations, I feel frustrated if people do not seek the help they need.

10

I think neediness in a particular relationship is a lot like cleanliness in a particular relationship. It’s possible for two people to not need a lot of validation and enjoy a lot of time apart just like it’s possible for two people to need more than average emotional validation and want to be together all the time. Within a normal range one partner is only needy is there’s a big differential between the two. Just like keeping a relatively messy or relatively neat home is only a problem if the two people want different things.

Of course, there are some people and some behaviors that most people would objectively call needy just like there are some people most of us would agree are complete slobs.

Anyway, I think there’s a lot more gray than people usually acknowledge.

11

This is interesting. I would add “Requiring your partner/SO to provide things that other people in your life can/should provide”. Many times, IMO, “needy” people demand their SO fill all of their emotional needs, whereas an emotionally healthy person will provide some of this for themselves, seek some of it from parents/siblings/family, seek some of it from close friends/buddies, etc.

12

I think Fuzzy Dunlop’s cleanliness analogy is pretty good. Some people will label an SO as ‘needy’ or a ‘clean freak’ (or ‘emotionally distant’ and a ‘slob’) holding up nothing but their own habits as the ideal. But even if someone can be said to be objectively messy/clean or clingy/distant, it really shouldn’t matter if both partners are on the same page. Some people want someone to look after, whether they’re cleaning up after them or massaging their ego.

13

Thanks for the responses. I like **Fuzzy Dunlop’s **cleanliness analogy too. I think there were just a few things that prompted me to seek others opinions.

#1, I wouldn’t say I’m normally a needy person at all - in fact, I’m sure many people in my life would describe me as being more on the independent/private side of the spectrum. The main exception is the way I feel with my boyfriend. And even then I don’t think I’m ‘objectively’ needy, the way someone would be an objective slob - I’m not possessive, demanding of his time, constantly seeking reassurance or anything - in fact, needy might not be the right word - but I do get something out of his presence the way that I don’t get as much from other people. I guess its just odd feeling like I’m the needy one for once, when with friends I’ve often been more of the listener or the shoulder to cry on. That might not have even come to my attention if it wasn’t for his demeanor, though…

#2, I think the fact is that my boyfriend is even further along the non-needy side of the spectrum than me, and is extremely self-sufficient. ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ is not a motto that would describe him. Therefore I feel needy in comparison. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate me - I know he does - but we have different approaches to some matters. E.g. if I’m having a stressful week, I’ll seek out his company, whereas if he’s having a stressful week he’s more likely to become a recluse.

#3, I may have also been mixing up emotional need with day-to-day activity-planning. I’ll usually be the one who initiates time together, which can bother me on occasion (we don’t live together, so most of our time together is planned to some degree). The thing is, I am completely fine with being the organiser, so long we’re both on equal relationship footing. It’s one thing to be the one initiating stuff because I’m the one who is more likely to plan for tomorrow and pick up a phone, its another thing if the reason I’m the initiator is because he doesn’t care about seeing me.

Feel free to discuss anything on the topic, don’t feel limited to my previous questions - just thought I’d chip in again… don’t worry Sandra NZ, I don’t think either of us need psychological help, just maybe an understanding of where the others at :slight_smile:

14

On a score of 1 to 10, I will give myself 8 for being needy. I have pissed off a couple of friends because of this, so I hope I have drop it to just 5 or 6…

So what is like to be needy?

To be needy is to always deal with the feeling that you friends/spouse/SO don’t like you enough. You always need assurance that they are still around for you. When they are with you, you won’t let them go. When they are away you pine for them.

You are afraid that they are anger with you. You are scare that they will just disappear and you will never see them again. If there is any potential of them disappearing from your life you freak out. You worry about when that would happen. You take a ‘no’ from them really serious, as though it is a rejection of your entire person. You need to hear their voice, or see their face, once per day. More than a week and it become torture.

Of course, in any healthy relationship, there’s a desire to be with a person you like. But clinging on and refusing to let go is another thing.

Can you stop being needy?

I was reading up on schema therapy, and I believe that strong feelings of abandonment and lack of nurturing when young would lead to such feelings. I would recommend the book “Reinventing your life” for more on schema therapy. Though the thing is - for me I have to get myself burnt twice and ending two potentially rewarding friendships to drill the lesson in. It’s irrational. Once I cried for three days because I thought I’ve pissed off a good friend (I shudder to think what would happen if I am married and that was my spouse).

Yes, it’s possible, though I think everyone would take a different route. For me, it was the melt-down and realise that I could handle it. I didn’t die. Important people in my life disappeared and I lived on. I can handle it.

The spectrum of being needy varies. Now I still pine for company and people in my small social circle whom I call friends, but I get by. I don’t go into a frenzy when I found out they had a gathering without inviting me; last time I would go “Ohh…looks like I have been ostracized again” and will be in a foul mood the whole day. Once your inner mind has accepted everyone has their own life and not every decision made is a personal statement about you, it gradually becomes better.

15

Being needy is kind of hard to objectively define, like being an asshole. We all act needy sometimes, just like we all act like assholes sometimes. But acting like an asshole here and there doesn’t make you an asshole, you know? The dividing line is sort of a gestalt of severity, frequency, and your tolerance level for the behavior in question.

And I think whether the behavior is situational or personality-driven is a major factor in tolerance level for most people. Like the week I had last summer where I spent most of my time sitting with either the grandpa with terminal cancer or the grandpa with severe unexplained anemia who was so weak he couldn’t sit up on his own, and the rest of the time sitting with my dad who was having yet another heart cath and was looking at another multiple bypass. By the time I came home, I was pretty much a swirling vortex of need. I wanted everyone to pet me and reassure me and generally coddle me while I whined. Nobody seemed to care a bit to prop me up till I caught my balance again. But if I was always off balance, propping me up would get to be a major drain on their strength, and they’d eventually let me fall on my ass.

Do those people change? Well, I’ve known one constant swirling vortex of need since college, and she’s not changed a bit in the last 15 years. If she calls three nights in a row and I don’t answer because I’m out of town, she freaks out because I’m obviously angry with her. Same thing if she calls 5 times in a night and I don’t answer because we went to dinner and a movie. I think she probably could change, but hasn’t and won’t do the work needed to make that change.

16

Just a couple points to add:

I’ve always liked the idea of, “I can take her to a party and not see her until the end and I don’t have to worry about her.” It’s nice to be in a relationship where the other person can take care of themselves. I often have a difficult time going to parties with my wife’s friends and try really hard to take care of myself.

People also haven’t mentioned the other side of neediness, which I guess is something like independence. Its nice to be in a relationship where the other person acknowledges that they like you and want to be around you. In fact, that’s pretty much the most important part of a relationship. When a person is distant and standoffish, that can kill a relationship just as fast as a needy person. So, I guess, as with many things in life, it’s important to have a balance.

17

Excellent point. I’ll use my husband again as an example (I’m sure he won’t mind, since he never reads the Dope :stuck_out_tongue: ). He is the antithesis of “neediness” for the most part; in fact, I can think of maybe five or six times in our 25+ year relationship when he’s been needy. But he’s not standoffish, and he does make it clear that he enjoys spending time with me. He works out of town, and is usually gone from Tuesday morning to Friday evening, so often, on the weekends, even if he’s just running errands, he’ll ask me to come along just to “keep him company”. He’s not one for making grand romantic gestures, but he will do things like pick up something he sees on sale at the grocery store that he knows I’ll like, etc.

If he wasn’t one to say “I love you” very often or show that love, I’d have been outta here years ago.

18

I believe that when someone is needy it means simply that they haven’t found the right person yet. When two people’s needs coincide with what they are each able to give, it doesn’t feel like neediness.

19

I don’t feel like this all the time, but I do sometimes. And I know exactly which events in my life have caused me to have these feelings.

I think a large part of what constitutes ‘neediness’ for me is being unable to separate rational fears from irrational ones. I do sometimes – especially when I wake up in the middle of the night and my thoughts are racing – worry that people close to me don’t really like me as much as they say they do, and I do pine for the very important people in my life when they aren’t around, even if we’ve just said goodbye. But I think I’ve made the conscious choice not to be needy when I don’t barrage my SO with emails or demand constant reassurance of our relationship.

I don’t feel that being on opposite sides of the spectrum immediately guarantees a failed relationship. I think it has a large probability of doing so, because the ‘non needy’ partner can either use her partner’s neediness to control him or may just become annoyed with his constant need for reassurance. The ‘needy’ partner may feel that his partner’s very personality is just ‘proof’ that she doesn’t really love him. (Gender pronouns were just used here for convenience. Substitute your favorites.)

20

I have seen both sides of the coin. I sent an ex running, and I have been sent running.
Twas’ a life lesson I had yet to learn.

I can sum needy up in one sentence. Low self esteem, and/or lack of trust. If you love yourself you don’t need someone telling you that they love you all the time, likewise if you trust them then you don’t need constant reaffirmation of their words. Also if you have high self esteem then you’re secure because you know you don’t need them. If you break up you know you can do just as good.