My granddaughter is age 17 and recently graduated from high school. Among other things, she’s one of the lights of my life. We’ve been best buddies since she was a toddler.
This girl is no stranger to boys, she’s been pickin’ ‘em up and tossin’ ‘em away for four or five years now. Sometimes I think she’s already burned more pictures than most girls collect in a lifetime.
A few months ago she “met” a boy on the ‘net (Facebook?) and they’ve really hit it off. They talk for hours on the phone. The two mothers have talked on the phone and the boy was scheduled to come here and visit later this month, intending to stay for two weeks. Now they’ve decided they can’t wait! Airplane tickets are cheap. The boy can’t get time off from his job right now so the boy and his mom bought my granddaughter a ticket and she’s supposed to fly up there next weekend.
I’ve pointed out that this “boy and his mom” could be a couple of 40-year olds that lure teenage girls into their home for sex games before they chop them up for pig food. I’ve referenced several prominent recent cases in which tragedies occurred. I’ve mentioned one local situation that while not so tragic, the guy a woman was looking for simply didn’t exist.
I’ve suggested that she wait and let the boy come here first. (“But the ticket the boy bought for me is non-refundable!!!”), so I offered to send his money back and I’ll just eat the cost of the ticket.
Alas, all to no avail!
There are many people here on the ‘dope that are far more experienced than I with this whole internet dating and electronic culture stuff, so…What say you dopers? Any tips, clues, suggestions? Anybody think this might not be so bad?
All opinions and comments are welcome, and it’s my intention to let her read this thread, pros and cons, after a few days.
You could go with her. Seriously. If her mother is all “OK” with her going (and won’t stop her from going), and you still have concerns, why don’t you go with her. That way her new “love” can meet her really cool grandparent.
No way in hell my 17 year old is flying any damn where to meet any damn body. The boy can come to my place…where, of course, he gets the full speech about how his body will never be found if my daughter is harmed in anyway.
Were I the guardian of a teenager, I would not let her (or him, for that matter) go on a date without first meeting the prospective suitor. If it’s this important to him, he could either fly out to meet her, or he could buy tickets for both her and you or another adult to come along with her. But unless you have family you can trust in this fellow’s city, I would just flat-out say “no”.
It might, of course, be perfectly legitimate and work out just fine (“C’est la vie”, said the old folks, just goes to show you never can tell), but I wouldn’t want to risk it.
Another vote for “go with her”.
You’re willing to refund the boy the price of the ticket so just buy yourself one instead. I wouldn’t let anyone go off to meet an internet “love” without some sort of safety net, and I am now married to my internet love (and have been for the past five years). In fact, I couldn’t wait until he came to meet me IRL either and bought myself a ticket and went to meet him (much like your granddaughter). Foolish of me, but I was lucky and it turned out rather well.
Don’t let her do what I did.
No actual experience to relate but I wanted to vote that I am of your mindset as well.
If I had children, I would impress on them, repeatedly, that they pay for their mistakes. Say they defy me, skipping school and flunking out. They’re the ones who will end up in crappy jobs for the rest of their lives, always struggling financially, etc.
In a similar vein, they may pay for some mistakes with their lives. Sure it’s possible that the situation is legit but if it isn’t, the consequences could be so dire that a reasonable person has to pause.
I could enumerate things I wouldn’t like about it, such as her staying at the boy’s house instead of a motel, but as I said I think our mindsets are the same. My adult POV says, “So best case scenario it’s on the up and up and he’s who he says, they hit it off, etc. Long-distance relationships are really impractical but let’s say he’s worth the trouble. Ultimately will he drop all his friends and family and move here or will she do the same and move there?”
ETA: I was so long writing this that others have jumped in. Clarification, OP: could anybody (legally) stop her? At 17?
I agree with you that it’s safer and makes more sense for the boy to visit. It seems a little suspicious to me that he can’t wait just a couple more weeks to see her and bought a ticket for her without making sure it would be okay first. However, since it sounds like she is determined to go see him, if it is possible I do think that you should travel with her.
I completely agree with lavenderviolet. If all hell be damned that it’s gotta be NOW, then I’d find a way to go with her or make sure someone else could.
I’m normally a “let teenagers loose” kind of guy but in this case, ya know, I think it’d be worth a couple of hundred bucks for a round-trip ticket to meet the boy and his parents. I’d rather be out the money and in the peace of mind.
I wish I could find the thread, but we had a big discussion about men being overprotective toward their womenfolk. My ignorance was fought. It doesn’t endear us to some of them AT ALL, and with good reason. They’re capable human beings who have every right to make decisions about their own lives without undue second-guessing.
How do you logically reconcile “I love you, I think you’re great, I think you’re smart and capable, mature, etc.” with “Although the state says you’re an adult*, I don’t trust you to make decisions about your own life”? *Maybe in your state you have to be 18; that would be a flimsy technicality because the argument just boomerangs in a few months.
If she’s really cool with you going along, great. If not, you have to respect her wishes. She’s grown up and, if she takes the responsibility that goes with privilege, that’s that.
If this were my sister, my parents probably would have said, “Hey, have a good time…and don’t come back.” At the very least, it would have been a source of resentment for decades. Your relationship with her is for the long haul; don’t mess it up.
Around 2:52, “Kill the motor dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo.”
This is odd. Why would he want to see her when he can’t get time off of work? I know they’re teens, dumb, young love, etc., but they can’t wait a few weeks?
On the other hand, this boy and his mom don’t know your granddaughter and her mom aren’t scammers, either.
If they met through Facebook and have friends in common, that is a bit of a relief. Still, agree that she should go with someone else, even if it’s an older, wiser cousin or friend.
I think you should stay out of it. There are several factors that make this different from the usual “retarded teenager goes off to get murdered by the Internet” story:
She’s 17, not (e.g.) 14. In a short time, she’ll be at college or on her own and able to do this stuff all she wants.
They’ve talked extensively on the phone, not just online. It would be hard for a 40 year old to fake being a teenager.
Both kids’ mothers have talked.
You’re her grandfather, not her father.
I think your intentions are fantastic, but the right thing to do here is bite your nails and let her off on her own. Just make sure she knows not to feel pressured to do anything she doesn’t want to by the situation and that you’ll fly to rescue her at any time, anywhere.
Why is it relevant that they met on the internet? Strangers met each other all the time before electricity was even invented. This boy could be from the next town over and still be “a couple of 40 year olds that lure girls into their home for sex”. However, it sounds like they know each other at least as well as two people who hit it off in a bar, and probably a lot more than that. Strangers who lure people from the internet to kill/rape/eat are a lot rarer than you think.
In my opinion, 17 year olds are adults. If you trust her and she isn’t a complete idiot, let her go. Although if cost is not an option and she is okay with it, it might be better for everyone’s peace of mind if you go along. The best, and probably only, other thing you could do is just talk to her about your fears, making sure she understands the risks and is prepared for them.
The other thing I would add is that she may want your input, participation, etc. When I was 18, I wasn’t ready to be Mr. Total Adult Man. You want to be available to her, certainly, but not overbearing. It’s another life stage for her and your relationship will change, but that isn’t all bad.
Based on the described scenario the real world chances of it being an overtly dangerous situation are almost zero, so the “she’ll be molested” panic is probably unjustified. Having said this I still would not allow my 17 year old daughter to visit an Internet flame without meeting him first. A teenage girl who is this taken with a boy needs to be supervised in the initial encounter as she is potentially liable to do Very Stupid Things to show him how much she likes him if they hit it off, and so he will not forget her.
Yeah. For anyone, male or female, it seems like meeting someone and then making plans to stay with them is a bad idea. Not because they’re necessarily an axe murderer but because what if you can’t stand them? And now you have to stay with them.
The very best thing about this situation is that she told you. I mean, some kids sneak off and if something really goes bad, nobody has any idea where to begin looking. I’d definitely reinforce that with her.