So let’s say you know a couple who have a four month old. Let’s say this couple just got married last month. Let’s also say they were together for years before she fell pregnant. This couple appears to have a healthy relationship overall, in fact it’s one of the healthiest relationships you have witnessed in your life. They seem to appreciate each other, they make each other laugh, and they get on pretty well.
Then, at the bank, he starts talking to a girl and they exchange phone numbers. When asked why he exchanged phone numbers with another woman, he responds “because I thought you (his wife) would like her and get along well with her.” Perhaps it’s relevant that he gave the woman his personal cell number and not the house phone or her cell phone. Perhaps it’s also relevant that he shares this information voluntarily with his wife, without her questioning.
Personally, I think it’s unreasonable to be annoyed until you find out something more, like he never mentioned his wife to the other woman, or never told his wife after saying he would.
The part about which phone number he gave is a little confusing to some of us, as my wife and I have never had a shared home number.
If he told me that story because I found the phone number, or he knew it would come out somehow, I’d be very suspicious. If he told me just out of the blue voluntarily, I’d probably just be a little insulted that he felt the need to go find friends for me. What am I, a loser that can’t make friends?
I’d probably let it go, but I’d be very alert for other small signs that he’s cheating or wanting to.
That and some people never ever give out anyone else’s cell number or email address without permission. IME cell numbers change more often than home numbers (eg/ I think my aunt has had the same land line number for over 30 years, my other uncle has had the same land line number for at least 40), so in cases where I prefer the “arm’s length” of a less-than-permanent number, I tend to use our cell number rather than our home phone. I think the number thing is a non-issue.
Otherwise there is not enough info in the OP. No idea if the other woman knows he is married or not.
In a similar vein, my sister got in a HUGE rift with her best friend, after my sister exchanged contact info with a woman who is not her partner. My sister has been looking for a new running partner and this woman currently runs similar distances. The friend insists my sister was “leading on” the other woman because she (sis) never mentioned having a long-term partner.
As it was irrelevant to the conversation about running of course it never came up. My sister thinks she’s nuts (and also has no idea if the potential running partner is gay, straight, or single). My sister’s girlfriend is unperturbed and it all seems much ado about nothing.
Should I be the first to advise against this? My ex swore I was cheating because she had plenty of “small signs”, none of which meant anything. It was not one of the reasons we broke up, but I wonder how much it contributed to the anger she felt that eventually drove me away.
Without knowing more details about their relationship, it’s difficult to say. However, just on its surface, from your description, it does seem a bit odd.
But, who knows? Maybe his wife has a certain hobby, and the woman who he was talking to also has that same hobby, and maybe his wife has been looking for an activity partner.
I’m a little confused. First you say “when asked why he exchanged the information” then you say he volunteered it without her questioning. Did she ask after he volunteered the information?
You say he volunteered the information, without the wife’s asking. So I’m picturing something like “Hey, I met this woman Suzy at the bank and she just moved here from Texas and since you’re from Texas I thought you two might want to get together sometime, show her where the decent Tex-Mex is around here.” If he did that, I wouldn’t be suspicious. I could see my husband doing that, if he were about 1000 times more extraverted.
I have actually tried to make friends for my husband sometimes when I meet a guy I think he’d get along with, because he is pretty introverted. Somewhere deep inside 5 years later he finally processes “yeah, it would have been fun to spend more time with Dave.” This is pretty sappy, but I’m so married that now when I meet a nice guy, mainly I think “He reminds me of my husband, I bet they’d get along.”
I can see him not giving my cell number out, because basically I want to be the one who controls who has my cell number. My husband giving my cell number to a stranger would get on my nerves. I’m a little less clear on why not to give the home phone out. But the truth is I keep that pretty guarded, too. If the bank lady turns out to sell Amway and calls me at home, that would not be cool, either.
It seems like there is an easy option here, for the wife to make a friendly call to the lady from the bank and invite her along on some kind of a girl thing.
If he did not volunteer the info, I buy the story a whole lot less.
Let’s say she called him to see if he was able to accomplish the errand at the bank. He says, “I just met a nice lady. I gave her my cell number” and she responds “Why in high holy hell did you do that?”. That’s when he told her it was because he thought they would get along.
That was my initial reaction as well, but then it occurred to me that new moms often feel a little isolated and stir-crazy, but they’re too exhausted to do anything about it. So if the husband thought the bank lady would get along with his wife of if they had something in common, he could have just been trying to help. Which would be a sweet gesture, IMHO.
Consider the following scenario:
Husband sees lady with baby carriage.
“Aww, cute. How old?”
“4 months.”
“Hey, my son in 4 months, too!”
“Then you know what it’s like. I’m just happy to be out of the house for a change.”
“My wife says the same thing. And she doesn’t know a lot of women with little babies, either.”
“Neither do I.”
“Okay, this may sound a little weird, but, do you think maybe she could call you sometime?”
“Sure, that would be great!”
And based on torie’s last post, the whole thing is a bit odd, but doesn’t necessarily sound suspicious.
ETA: If he was trying to get with the bank lady, why would he have volunteered that he had gotten some lady’s number? Why would he have to “make up an explanation” if his wife didn’t even know about it?
I don’t know whether he was trying to get with the bank lady or not, but in the description of the event it sure sounds to me like he made up the explanation the moment he realized his wife was annoyed. If he’d really given his number to the other woman because he hoped she and the wife would be friends, why would he wait until the wife asked to tell her that he thought he’d found a new buddy for her?
Just based on this thread I could believe that the husband is maybe kind of clueless and didn’t really mean anything by giving the woman at the bank his number, but it doesn’t sound like he was acting like someone who wanted to introduce two potential friends to each other.
If there was anything suspicious going he just wouldn’t have told wife that he’d “met a nice lady and exchanged phone numbers.” That is not what people do when they’re looking at having an affair.
It really hinges on what the conversation was. I can easily see myself striking up a conversation with someone, finding that she has similar interests to my wife and suggesting we meet up or something. Bonus points for if the woman has a man friend with similar interests as me. That’s how friends are made dontcha know?
torie [del]are you[/del] is the wife in a position where the husband would be likely to be looking out for new friends? My wife and I have recently moved to a new city and for the first six months I would’ve jumped at any opportunity to help her kick start her social life.
People tend to view things through the filter of their own behaviour. What they neglect to consider is that just because they would only be talking to a woman at a bank so they could get down and dirty with them, it doesn’t mean that other people wouldn’t have more honourable motivations.
It’s not me. I wanted to get additional perspectives before I advised my friend, who did have this exact thing happen to her. They’re really great people, and any sort of sex-trolling behavior on his part would be a great shock to me. Anyway, just randomly finding friends for himself and others in banks struck me as something he would do. He’s very gregarious, and makes friends easily. She’s funny and intelligent, but much more reserved. But I didn’t want to tell her anything without making sure there wasn’t some obvious aspect of the situation I was missing.
I was 99.9% sure that he would never cheat on her, but I couldn’t decide at first if he had actually done anything wrong, and if so, how she should approach it. It is rather odd.