It has been a while since I posted one of these. Quick recap:
Met a girl in January 07.
Moved in.
Bought a house and she moved with me. Took a couple neat trips.
Talked about marriage.
All that is now done.
She broke up with me last night. I got the ‘You are a good man, but…’ speech. This came up because I wanted to buy the airline tickets to Orlando as we had a trip to Disney World planned.
Apparently, I missed a memo. The memo that said she wouldn’t be living with me at that time.
I am in shock, I had no idea this was coming. Everything seemed fine. Guess I am clueless. She already rented an apartment and is moving out this weekend. Which also happens to be my birthday (Friday). Not exactly what I was planning for my birthday. I got an odd response from her last week when I mentioned going out for my birthday but I blew it off. I feel rather pissed that she, instead of talking to me, went out and rented an apartment. If I hadn’t pushed the ticket issue I imagine she would have told me while she was moving out.
I feel totally confused, lost and hurt. As I said, everything seemed fine. We didn’t fight. We get along wonderfully, or so I thought. I am also feeling rather used. When I first moved in with her she had a bad mortgage. It took a while but they ended up foreclosing. If I understand correctly, she just got out of the period where they could go after her for money.
I haven’t cried yet which I find kind of odd. I am really upset. I am also not looking forward to the next couple months of sadness.
There is only one positive thing about this mess, I don’t want to drink. Being an alkie, this is huge.
I am also not looking forward to the whole dating thing again. I am not a very social guy*. I tend to have few friends but they last forever. Dating is hard because I tend to be sorta shy. Also there aren’t many places to meet people that don’t include alcohol. Oh well. I don’t have to think about that for a while.
Oh, I forgot to mention. I love her.
Slee
I get along with people fine, I just would rather read or play guitar than go out these days.
First thing’s first, I am so sorry this thread even exists. Sounds like a fucked up situation that would have been in the Pit had it happened to me. So kudos for being far more mature about it than I would have.
You will. I unfortunately guarantee it. I also guarantee it will lead to you feeling much better.
This is awesome news!
Being in “the dating scene” is a state of mind and not particularly a positive one. Just stay in and be yourself. If this means staying inside with your guitar, then do that.
If you start desiring a companion, go out and be yourself. Don’t go to bars or clubs. Single women exist outside of these places. Go to a bar or club if you’re just looking for some easy and somewhat consistent sex. If you want a true companion, there are other avenues to travel.
Going out and just being yourself, with no preconceived notions about looking for a girl will help you get over what has happened.
We have some dating gurus around here and they’ll appear before you if/when they believe you are ready to be enlightened.
You won’t forever and you’ll be better off once it fades… Especially if she’s not around. It will allow you to find someone who isn’t such a bitch.
Sorry to hear that this happened to you. I once had a dude dump me during the holidays (which is also when my birthday is). I was pretty bummed that Christmas, but in hindsight I just kind of laugh about it because 1) What kind of person is so clueless/insensitive that they would dump someone right before their birthday? and 2) I’ve moved on to better things since then (including meeting a much better man who I adore).
I know you will move on to better things as well. I remember reading your old posts about how much better your life got after you stopped drinking. If you could make it through that and get your life bck on track, I’m sure you will bounce back from this.
Oh man, **slee **- I am so sorry. I remember all of the threads at the beginning.
Most importantly - you aren’t drinking and, from the sound of it, you are more in shock than acting out. It reads like you have some concerns about whether she was playing you in some way. That does not sound like a safe place to go emotionally - please continue to take care of yourself.
I’m in that fucked up, odd place where I go from anger to acceptance to wanting to cry in the space of minutes. I hate that. I also know that this too shall pass. But I want it passed already.
I really feel like calling K up and doing the whole screaming thing. I won’t because I am better than that but man, I still want too.
Oh man, that sucks. It seems odd that a lover can just up and leave like that with no warning. I hope you work through it well and come out better than ever on the other side.
I’ve been hearing this story from far too many people lately.
You don’t have to sit around and suppress your feelings. A lot of times on this board, people recommend writing out all of your feelings in a nasty, mean, passionate letter addressed to the person you’re upset with…and then throwing away the letter (or better yet, burning it). You definitely don’t need to confront her if you don’t think that’s right, but don’t avoid it altogether.
And please come here if you feel you’re going to slip into drinking again. So many people here have been where you are - with drinking - and can help you keep on the right track.
I ended up texting K last night about some things regarding the house. This got deeper than that and apparerntly I am a sucker or she is a hell of an actress. Or fucking psyco.
#1. She started planning this in the early summer. I had no clue. #2. Her original plan was to move out while I was at work and leave a note. She changed her mind and decided to tell me. She stated this like she did me a kindness not realizing that only a heartless bitch* would think of her ‘original’ plan. #3. She was originally going to wait until after my birthday. So, we would have gone out on my birthday (and probably had sex), then the next day when I went to work she would have moved out leaving a note.
I am pissed. I am still sad but I am happy that I found out what kind of person she is now, rather than later.
Slee
Of course, in certain cases like domestic violence that is an acceptable plan. In this case, I never ever hurt her in anyway and never would. I am not that kind of man.
On edit, I think that she ‘changed her mind’ about telling me when I pushed about the Disney tickets. Otherwise she probably would have gone on with her original plan.
I am probably not going to handle the partially empty house well but not much I can do about that. On the bright side, almost all of the furniture was mine so it won’t be totally empty. She left the bed and a TV.
I am wondering if she snagged anything she shouldn’t. I’ll find out.
I will have to deal with her again next week 'cause we need to switch cable/email addresses, etc.
I’m really sorry to hear this. I hope it ultimately leads to a better relationship for you down the road.
I can’t think of anything positive to say about her chosen manner or timing of departure. But it sounds like you’re handling it about as well as could be hoped under the circumstances. Best of luck to you going forward.
That’s horrible. No one should be treated like that: it sounds like she has no respect for you at all. You are indeed better off. But I know that doesn’t fill the hole she left in your heart. Only time can do that. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers for strength to deal with all this.
I am now in my house and almost all her shit is gone*.
Surprisingly I don’t feel all that bad. I don’t expect this to last, I’ll probably be back to despondent shortly.
I have started cleaning, which feels good. It will take a bit but I am tossing anything that is remotely going to remind me of her. I’ll have to buy a bunch of small stuff but that is no big deal.
I spoke with my parents tonight and found out something really fucking odd. K, her daughter and I went over to my parents house for dinner back towards the end of July. This would be, according to K, after she had decided to break up with me and move out. Anyway, during the evening K was apparently telling my Mom what a great guy I was and how happy she was, etc. According to my Mom, this came up out of nowhere, K just started telling my Mom this stuff. This makes no fucking sense.
Right now I am sorta happy. I expect that this will not last long but I feel better being home.
I am going to talk to my insurance tomorrow about getting some counseling tomorrow.
I also have plans for my birthday with a couple friends, which is good.
Slee
*She left a freezer which she will pick up next week. I am going to move it to the porch and she will pick it up while I am gone. I will not see her again.
She killed someone, someone she wasn’t planning on killing and she hurredly stashed the body in the freezer. Now she has to skip town and this includes cutting off all previous contacts.
This all makes perfect sense right? I mean, women aren’t bitches. Are they?
Probably. Which is good in the sense that it shows you have some depth of feeling. One of the more chilling (and ultimately, predictive) experiences I had was when a girl I was dating matter-of-factly told me that she had never really mourned over any of her breakups. “I’m pretty much out of sight out of mind.” That’s weird, and it should have tipped me off to avoid what ended up a bad ending.
This makes perfect sense. Women look to their peer group (other women) for approval. If she spent the evening bad-mouthing you, there was a non-zero chance your Mom would tell you, hey, I gotta warn you, sounds like your GF has gone sour on you, whereupon there is a non-zero chance you might cut the cord and dump her. Well she sure as Hell wasn’t taking that chance – the one thing she’s made clear is that it was very important to her to have complete control over the timing of the breakup. There’s a lot of reasons for that – simple relationship dominance; ego (if the two of you just drifted apart, or if God forbid you dumped her, she’d feel unwanted, and for most women being wanted is like heroin); and finally, whatever post breakup plans she had, she’d be majorly annoyed if she gave your Mom some hints that precipitated a breakup before she was fully ready with the next phase.
Second, it’s human nature (and especially female nature) to want to be perceived as the good guy. If she was a raving biatch to your Mom, your Mom at least would be guaranteed to console you and tell you it wasn’t your fault. But by playing nice, she’s at least planted a seed of doubt that might plausibly lead your Mom, or others, to question what you did to screw it up. Now, your Mom may be too smart to do that – but what I can just about guarantee you is that your ex is telling her GFs, right now, a version of the story in which you are a jerk, a loser, a bad guy, and the first step to telling that story is to start framing in her mind how it was the perfect relationship, until slee [insert contrived premise].
Finally, it’s not the least bit odd because (and this is important) you don’t judge anyone, least of all women, by what they say. Actions are paramount. Her words to your Mom are the equivalent of your hot Platonic friend telling you what a great guy you are. Is she ever going to hook up with you? No? Then her words are kind of hollow. That’s attraction 101.
Whatever works for you. I would suggest as a free alternative talking to any mutual friends you have. Strangers bring perspective, but so do those who have seen you interact. One thing that is clear here – your actual relationship was very different from the relationship you thought you had. The productive thing to do for going-forward purposes is to try and identify why, when, and how you misperceived the nature and status of the relationship, what her actual attraction to you was and whether/when it changed, etc.
Yes. You have (depending on how tolerant your friends are) a couple months sympathy window where they’ll go out of their way to make time for you and listen to your tale of woe. Then they’ll get tired and you’ll (hopefully) feel awkward going on about it (or, you’ll be mostly over it). Take advantage (with conservatism) of the window.
Good. Enforce this. One of the handful of things that may happen in coming weeks/months is that she’ll try to re-enter your life, whether because she’s an emotional flake, she’s not happy that you (outwardly) seem okay with her gone, or her plan B didn’t work out as well as she’d hoped.
Oh, about that plan B. She clearly had one. Women almost never break up with decent guys so they can be alone. And, she has a bit of a history, from what you said, of opportunism. Be prepared to hear about her new bad-boy boyfriend; it may well be someone you know, someone whom she just happened to keep running into or meeting for coffee over the last few months. It’s that, or she’s had an online profile and been e-mailing a few dozen suitors over the past several months, and she got to the point where she was ready to get it on with one or more of them (this is the optimistic version; you don’t want to hear the pessimistic version). It’s going to suck to hear that, in one form or another, she had basically given up on you emotionally, and been invested in a new project/person/people, for months and months in which you thought you were in relationship bliss. Sorry to be the bearer of this news . . . but it makes it easier to realize you haven’t lost much.
Quoted for truth. Through much painful experience over the past few years, this is probably the only wisdom I’ve gained from all that heartache. And it took me 41 years to work it out.
Yesterday my new girlfriend put her arms round me tightly and said “I’m yours. Completely. You know that.” It was a lovely thing to hear, and it made me very happy, but still it needs to be backed up by behaviour that indicates this is in fact true*.
Why do I say this so bitterly? Because the K who broke my heart into a million pieces last year said the exact same thing a couple of weeks before I found out she was fucking someone else.
In fact, I’m actually resentful that someone didn’t sit me down and give me the above quoted gigantic and crucial piece of relationship advice when I was a kid. (QV “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Someone needs to do a version of that book for guys.)
