Unfortunately for myself, I just managed to get out of a bad relationship, I was cheated on multiple times and tried so hard to get over it, I couldn’t and something that was once fun and healthy turned bitter and unmanageable.
How have other people learned to get over something like that? Functioning well after the relationship?
I’m worried I’ll be ruined for whatever comes next… I understand not all people are like that, but what do you do when you’re not sure who to trust?
Thoughts? Ideas? Advice?
I think I’ve learned my lesson:smack:
The most hated advice of all time… it just takes time. And no, you won’t be ruined for whatever comes next. You’ll learn to trust again and function as you’re supposed to. It’ll just take however long it takes.
Think about all the cliches you’ve ever heard that pertain to a similar subject, and all the phrases that find their way into every breakup pop song, except try to think of them as actually profound statements that became so common because they’re damn useful. One day at a time, this too shall pass, you’ll get over it, it just takes time, you’ve got to love yourself, happens to all of us, etc.
Those will all seem really meaningful and feel like they got right to the heart of what ailed you… eventually. Not much consolation at the moment, I know, but there’s no more fundamental philosophical truth to pick up on.
Practically speaking, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is take the pressure of having to deal with it off of yourself. Talk to somebody, get yourself involved in something other than brooding, do the kind of stuff that you can lose yourself in for a while. Distraction’s underrated, sometimes.
And don’t blame yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you that can manifest in somebody else’s hurtful decisions.
What the other posters said. I’ve been through that and yes, it sucks. Keep yourself occupied with other activities, so that the bad stuff isn’t in the front of your mind all the time. Time will pass, and thinking about it will hurt less.
Just remember that not everyone is like him (or her).
I got screwed over once, long ago, and went through life assuming that everyone was out to screw me over. Once I realized what I was doing I stopped and everything felt much better. That was extremely vague, but you get the idea.
Thanks guys, and yeah it all seems so very stereotypical, but I’ve have a lot of past… and some things hit me harder than others.
I know I’ll be okay, and I know it will take a while, it’s just that I’ve already gone through this before, a second time seemed highly unnecessary, haha.
Thanks for all the advice and thoughts, good to know there are a lot of strong dopers SDMBers out there!
I find the best way to stop myself from repeating life’s mistakes is to be certain that I am owning my part in things. I am a firm believer that we all have a little ownership in everything that happens to us. Find some lesson to take away, no matter how small.
Sometimes when what we’re going through seems, too much, or overwhelming, we need to be reminded that the only way to get through it, is to go through it, tiny baby steps. One day at a time, let the days pile up, soon you’ll be through and onto whatever come next for you.
Other times you have to let it wash over you like the waves at the beach. Knowing you’ll still be standing when the waves recede, makes all the difference.
OK, that’s wrong. Violence doesn’t solve anything. Nor does irrational behavior. After one particularly hurtful breakup, I sure showed him - I cut my hair!! I was growing it out for him (I really don’t like long hair on me) and putting up with all the hassle, till he dumped me. I was gonna pack the hair with the few things he’d given me over the years and send it all to him.
Luckily, circumstances forced me to wait a while, and I cooled down. I decided having a bag of hair was just a bit much, so I tossed it. As for the stuff he’d given me, I kept it. And when chance brought us together several years later, I was over him. That was 30-some years ago, and his porch light has remained intact…
Take out all your anger and sexual perverisions out on a rebound guy. Keep crazy watch on him so he doesn’t cheat, call him often to make sure. Ride him hard, put him away wet, and dump his ass when you met someone more interesting.
That just turns some poor sap into a bitter woman-hater who will move on and make some poor woman a bitter-man hater. On and on the cycle continues until we’re all doomed to being bitter cat hoarders.
Time is the only real way to heal these types of wounds.
I don’t think I’ll be using somebody else to get over my own hurt feelings, as I tend to care how others feel.
As for irrational behavior, I haven’t had any, I’ve been pretty calm about it all, I just feel very cheated… clearly in more than one way.
And time, well… I’m impatient but I certainly have plenty of time to waste, so I guess that’s the right ticket.
Another question I have is…
Is it possible to make a friendship work after? What if there wasn’t really a friendship to start? We knew eachother months before getting together, but it wasn’t so much as a friendship as all the preemptive measures to dating… If I can’t let go of him hurting me, should I not bother?
My second wife screwed around on me. It took me 4 years to get over it. Then bingo, the one I got over it with screwed around on me. Took me even longer. But I succeeded, especially once I adopted the attitude that the best revenge is living well.
I’m such an impatient person but I am finding all of you to be very right…
We fight even now and we’re not together, I think I’m just letting out a lot of my resentment toward him and it doesn’t help that he still is a jackass sometimes. So perhaps I will put a halt on trying to be friends, it isn’t really working out right now, maybe later, when I’m not feeling so hurt.
