Sure we’ve done this before, but I always find it interesting to read what other people consider deal-breakers for potential loves. Having been single for over ten years, and having dated considerably, I’ve honed down my instant deal-breakers like it’s a science. I’ve found that even when I ignore my intution’s advice to heed the deal-breaker and break the deal before it starts, in the end it always ends up being right in the first place. So, here are my instant deal-breakers.
A date telling me that he can “be a real asshole”, or variations on that. Thanks for letting me know that right up front, buddy- I am not going to stick around to find out! Bye! I believe that most people subconsciously want you to know exactly who they are, and when they tell you, it’s your job to listen. If he can be a real asshole, he will someday be one to you, I don’t care who you are.
A date telling me that he is fighting his ex-wife for custody of very young children, not because she’s an unfit mother, but because he hates that fucking bitch, and he’s going to show her. I had a first date actually tell me this once, and I got up and left.
A date saying things like, “They diagnosed me as bipolar/schizophrenic/borderline personality/etc., but I don’t believe them and I don’t take medication.” I have nothing against the mentally ill, but I sure don’t want to date one that’s untreated. No thanks.
A date letting me know that he has one or more children out there that he has no contact with and/or doesn’t pay child support for. Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you have dozens of excuses, and that’s fine that you live like that. I’m just not for you.
A date that talks about his ex excessively, and/or degrades her personally. One day he will be sitting on someone else’s couch calling me a stupid bitch, since he apparently does that.
A date that lets me know right up front that his kids are the most important little preciouses ever, and that I will never hold a candle to them, no matter what I do. Be happy with your kids, dude- hope they keep you warm at night. There’s no winning for me there.
There are more, I’m sure, but those are the things that will immediately and forever turn me off of dating someone ever again.
It’s been a while since I was on the dating scene but:
A date who tells stories about how she "got even"with past boyfriends who didn’t act the way she liked. One girl (it was a long time ago) I really liked but after the third story of creative revenge on some guy who wouldn’t do right she had to be let go. The dreaded revenge never happened, maybe because I waited until just before I moved to deliver the final blow.
Has kids but doesn’t see them or support them. Bonus if when they visit “him” they end up staying with his mother or some other relative of his.
If he mentions his ex once a day or more. If she’s on his mind that much when he’s with you, you’ve got problems.
If he’s not divorced yet (yeah, found that out once on date 4)
If he admits he can be an asshole. If he actually admits that to you? It’s much worse than he proclaims.
If he doesn’t live on his own. At 32, I just can’t date a man who lives at home with his parents or in a house with 4 roommates. That’s college kid behavior. Nothing inherently wrong with it, but just not for me.
If he’s never held a job for more than a year solid. ABORT!
I’m not sure I agree with this so much. At least, in my experience, women that claimed to be complete bitches were some of the nicest women I’ve ever met. To the point where if they asserted themselves a little, they worried that they were being complete bitches.
tdn, did you have long-term relationships with these women, though? Were you ever around when they were in a position to be a real bitch?
IME, when someone says something like, “When I’m mad, you better watch out,” or “I can be a real dick sometimes”, they mean “I am a pyschotronic Crazy McCrazyson who will flip out on you for no fucking reason”.
I’m 41, and I agree. Roomates were for our 20’s- we’re grown up now. Have your own place, I don’t even care if it’s a trailer. (Well, ok I care a little bit if it’s a trailer, but not enough to make it a deal-breaker.)
If they say they have low self-esteem, and proceed to provide evidence in support of this throughout the evening (talking about how bad they are at X, Y, and Z, relating stories about exes that left them, fishing for sympathy from me.) I react badly to the phrase “low self-esteem”. To me, it’s synonymous with “bottomless emotional pit”. But I’ll trying giving the date a chance even after they use that phrase, just in case they’re not very good with words. They could be rocking under all the nervousness.
No, but it’s not so expensive that a man in his 30’s with a halfway decent job can’t live on his own. Like I said, it’s not inherently bad, I’m just past the stage in my life where I want to date someone who lives with roommates or with family. If I can comforatably live on my own, I want the same out of someone I date. It’s kind of a percieved maturity thing, too. When you’re a “young adult” or still getting established you live with roommates or with your family. When you’re grown up, you live on your own. I realize this may be an unpopular opinion and I don’t wish to hijack the thread, but that’s how I feel and I’m stickin’ to it.
My S.O makes a little over half of what I make annually. He was still easily able to live in a nice two bedroom apartment on his own before we moved in together. You can find a place here for around a grand or less a month. That’s not a lot.
Hate to admit it, but not being reasonably attractive would not even get a date with me. If there’s not a spark of physical attraction, I wouldn’t even consider going out with someone. Supermodel status is not required, but someone that didn’t even bother with trying to make themselves up or even dress nice are deal breakers.
Some of them, yeah. I dated one woman for a year, and the only time she raised her voice was with her kids. (It was the only way they’d listen.)
Another one I dated for seven years. She was by far the most gentle soul I have ever known.
People often have inaccurate perceptions of themselves. I go by how they act, not how they describe themselves. I recently dated someone who described herself as super bubbly and optimistic. She was incredibly morose.
Or worse, they act like they have great self-esteem, and must tell you how great they are at this and that and how this one time they did this and then that other time blah blah blah but it’s all really just a cover-up for low self-esteem. I’d much rather they come right out and tell me they have low self-esteem than act like that.
If they want me to feel sorry for them, or tell stories where they are the victim. The pity play is the clearest sign of a lack of conscience/responsibility.
Mentioning sex before we are “there”, like ont he first date.
Trying to elicit a committment scary early - like in the first two weeks.
Smoking. I am barely quit myself, after 4 years it’s still an occaisional struggle, I can’t afford to be around that.
Aggressive driving. If I feel unsafe in the car with you, or if my neck hurts the next morning after riding with you, then you are obviously not treating my wellbeing as carefully as I’d like. I’ma bit of a leadfoot myself, but not with a passenger or if there’s traffic around.
Signs of temper early on. It is very important to me that my partner be an even keel sort of person. I have no patience with adult tantrums.
I haven’t been single in 15 years, but some deal-breakers in my past have included:
Being involved in a custody dispute. Just too much heartache and drama involved, sorry.
Drug use. Pot is fine, but do not offer to do a line with me in the restaurant bathroom.
Insisting on having sex on the first date. I’m not “saving myself” or something lame like that, and I don’t have some Madonna/Whore complex, I just need to feel at least the slightest connection before we have sex. Give me a week at least fer cryin’ out loud.
Complaining about the ex using gendered insults or making negative comments about men in general. I will leave your ass at the table with the bill if you do. Never in our relationship will I ever insult women as a whole, so I expect the same respect.
Treat waiters/service staff like dog shit. Snapping at a waitress to “Hurry up!” will make you my enemy for life.
Acting as if dating is about me impressing you enough to let me fuck you. WE are dating, WE have to prove ourselves to the other.
