Should I check in on my ex-girlfriend?

[Munch]

Background: We dated for about 18 months. We broke up last August. It was mutual, but she initiated before I did. It was semi-long distance (about ~45 minutes), and she did most of the driving. After we broke up, we maintained contact for a few weeks, until her coworker contacted to let me know that she started banging someone about a day after we broke up (and had been working it behind the scenes while we were dating). I never told her that piece of info.

Anyway, we met on a dating website. In the last month, I can see that she's changed her profile name/personality. That's fine. She's been very active on the forums there, and described incredibly promiscuous behavior. That's also fine - but kind of out of character. It was her posting of some extremely suggestive photos that got me to investigate (no - not because of that) - and I see that she's been seeing a number of doctors recently.

All that's fine. I wouldn't be too concerned (other than the doctors). But there are two posts today that worry me. She started a thread about STDs (which I know she's positive for) and mentioned "oh it's no big deal - if I were positive for herpes, I wouldn't care". Minor(ish). But the second is that she went for a casual encounter, and the guy tried to force himself on her. THAT'S a big deal. I worry that she's not in a good place. Do I look like a stalker if I drop her a note, and let her know that I saw her posts? Does it matter?

[Covered_In_Bees!]

If I were in your position I'd have forgotten her as soon as we'd broken up. I suggest you make up for lost time.

EDIT: Yes you look like a stalker and as far as I know she's not in your life at all anymore, so I don't know why this is an issue. Get yourself tested for STDs if that's bothering you but as for everything else, it's her life to live. She's an adult who can make her own choices and these choices have pretty much zero significance to your own life, so I'd say to let her be.

[Munch]

If I were in your position I'd have forgotten her as soon as we'd broken up. I suggest you make up for lost time.

I haven't lost any time. This was all in the last couple days. Since we're high matches for each other, our updates appear on our pages.

[Munch]

^Sorry - I don't want to start making excuses. I think I've given all relevant information, so any opinions are welcome. Thanks CiB.

[John DiFool]

Yes. She deserves all the help that a good psychiatric hospital can give her.




[Best thread typo of the day]

[Czarcasm]

Changed title from "Should I check in my ex-girlfriend?" to "Should I check in on my ex-girlfriend?", Munch.

[Eureka]

Before you check in on your ex-girlfriend, I think you need to give some serious thought to how she is likely to react, and what you are willing to do if she is in a bad place and is willing to admit it and ask you for help.

I think the odds are not bad that she will either not be interested in help, or simply not be interested in help from you, but if she needs help, how much help are you prepared to give?

I don't think there is anything wrong with caring about her in the abstract--she was an important part of your life for 18 months, not wanting to be together doesn't mean you hate her and wish she was dead.

****
On the other hand, there's something incredibly sad about encouraging you not to get involved, and thus watch her continue to spiral downwards . . .

Got any connections with her family/friends? Someone ought to try an intervention of some sort.

[Munch]

Got any connections with her family/friends? Someone ought to try an intervention of some sort.

Her friends are jackasses, and that's her impression of them. None of them are trustworthy, and likely to just point and laugh at any issues that might arise. She's maintained one tenuous connection to a friend of mine, who I'd trust absolutely (and so would she). I could definitely have my friend drop her a line to see how things are going - and it'd be extremely casual.

(Actually, my friend just received a huge award in the last month that my ex probably isn't aware of - if need be I could use that as an excuse to contact her.)

[lazybratsche]

I wouldn't if I were you. She's going to doctors, which makes me think that she's aware of the risks she's taking. One bad experience with a craigslist hookup also isn't the end of the world for her (as horrible as it is). Unless she starts to show a clear pattern of putting herself in very risky situations, I'd butt out. Sleeping around is risky of course, but it's not life destroying. She's an adult and free to make stupid decisions.

Plus I can't think of a way you could approach her without coming across as a stalker.

[DigitalC]

No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't be paying as much attention to what she's been doing either.

[AClockworkMelon]

I'm curious if you're using her apparent issues as an excuse to reestablish contact with her. I'm not accusing you of that, but bringing that possibility to your attention.

[Munch]

Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon

I'm curious if you're using her apparent issues as an excuse to reestablish contact with her. I'm not accusing you of that, but bringing that possibility to your attention.

Nope. I really don't have any desire to strike up the relationship again - we really let it run its full course. She's a good person, and doesn't (or at least didn't) have anyone nearby that she was close to at all. (She's an out-of-town transplant and doesn't make friends very easily.)

[pricciar]

If you have a mutual friend who could contact her. Why not go that route? You would be satisfying your own need to help her out, without her knowing about it.

[Covered_In_Bees!]

Nope. I really don't have any desire to strike up the relationship again - we really let it run its full course

Maybe I'm just a heartless asshole, but the fact that this thread even exists alongside the quoted section boggles my mind.

If the whole thing has run its course, that's that.

As for being high matches and receiving her updates, I'd have done what I could to stop that. So even that is bogging my mind.

If the breakup was mutual and there was none of this "let's still be friends" BS, then I don't know why she's still around. But like I said, maybe I'm just a heartless asshole.

[Taomist]

Nothing wrong with having a friend give another friend a reality check.
I have yet to meet anyone into high-risk scenarios who isn't looking for a fencing match, though, so she might not TAKE your advice.
But it sounds like you absolutely need to give it. Just gotta find a non-threatening way to say 'Hey, I see you. Are you ok?'

[AClockworkMelon]

Originally Posted by Covered_In_Bees!

Maybe I'm just a heartless asshole, but the fact that this thread even exists alongside the quoted section boggles my mind.

If the whole thing has run its course, that's that.

As for being high matches and receiving her updates, I'd have done what I could to stop that. So even that is bogging my mind.

If the breakup was mutual and there was none of this "let's still be friends" BS, then I don't know why she's still around. But like I said, maybe I'm just a heartless asshole.

That's the way I tend to think as well, thus my suggestion.

[Rigamarole]

No. Stay far, far away. You're not Jesus, it's not your job to save her, move on with your life.

[Duckster]

She is your ex, as in no more, finished, kaput, and Elvis has left the building.

It's about the time you leave the building, toss the key down the gutter drain and keep walking ...

[Munch]

As for being high matches and receiving her updates, I'd have done what I could to stop that. So even that is bogging my mind.

Like I said, it looks like she created a new login - I had blocked the previous one. But other than that, post-breakup she had made a lot of effort to try to stay in touch, but I really had no interest in remaining friends (I'm in total agreement with the "let's stay friends BS" - I have plenty of friends). But I really do wish her well - I wouldn't have spent 18 months of my life with someone I had only a selfish interest in. If she really needs to lean on someone, I don't want to let a breakup be the petty excuse to walk away from this.

I'll probably have L contact her and let L decide if any follow-up is needed.

[neuroman]

Munch, you sound like you're making progress getting her out of her head and out of your life. Every day that you care less, you will be better for it as a person. I'd just go ahead and dismiss the idea of contacting her, no good will come of it. She's moved on, and you're moving on too.



Rollin', rollin', rollin'
Keep movin', movin', movin',
Though they're disapprovin',
Keep them doggies movin', Rawhide!
Don't try to understand 'em,
Just rope and throw and grab 'em,
Soon we'll be living high and wide.

[Telcontar]

Originally Posted by Munch

Like I said, it looks like she created a new login - I had blocked the previous one. But other than that, post-breakup she had made a lot of effort to try to stay in touch, but I really had no interest in remaining friends (I'm in total agreement with the "let's stay friends BS" - I have plenty of friends). But I really do wish her well - I wouldn't have spent 18 months of my life with someone I had only a selfish interest in. If she really needs to lean on someone, I don't want to let a breakup be the petty excuse to walk away from this.

I'll probably have L contact her and let L decide if any follow-up is needed.

It's what I would do in your place. Hope it works!

Kind of surprised that people are being so skeptical of you.

[Diogenes the Cynic]

I'm chiming in to concur that you need to ignore her. She's not your responsibility, and she sounds like a mess anyway. I say move on. Whatever her demons are, you can't save her.

[PunditLisa]

By the ill-advised things that she's divulged on an open dating forum (STDs, date rape, suggestive photos), she's desperately seeking attention. Be wary of people who seek drama as they inevitably find it. That's not the kind of person you want a future with. AND she broke up with you, which means she doesn't want your chivalry.

Put her on your ignore list and move on with your life.

[sandra_nz]

If you were still in regular contact with her on a friendship level, I'd say yes. But you say, "After we broke up, we maintained contact for a few weeks," which leads me to believe you aren't currently friends.

So I'd say no. I mean, what are you going to say to her?

[MostlyClueless]

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo- you get the point.

[The wind of my soul]

I think all these "no" responses that you're getting are from the premise that you should get this girl out of your head. But it seems from your OP that this isn't a very likely option.

Given that she's bound to be on your mind anyways, and you're bound to be concerned about her, I would say yes, check in on her. If your options were to forget about her or dwell on her, then yeah, forget about her. But if your options are to either worry about her or actually check in on her to see if she's okay, it's better to know how she's doing than to fret about it.

[MeanOldLady]

Originally Posted by The wind of my soul

I think all these "no" responses that you're getting are from the premise that you should get this girl out of your head. But it seems from your OP that this isn't a very likely option.

I don't care if she's in his head or not. She's a grown woman. Leave her alone.

[Ravenman]

The urge to fix the lifestyle of someone with whom the OP hasn't had contact in several months -- especially after the end of an 18 month relationship -- is causing my codependency alarm to peg at WARNING.

Of course you shouldn't contact her.

[Munch]

Originally Posted by Ravenman

The urge to fix the lifestyle of someone with whom the OP hasn't had contact in several months -- especially after the end of an 18 month relationship -- is causing my codependency alarm to peg at WARNING.

Of course you shouldn't contact her.

I appreciate everyone's advice.

Ravenman - I'm not looking to change her behavior. It just seems to me that there's a slight possibility something's not quite right in her world right now based on her behavior, and I wanted input on the wisdom of popping my head in to see if everything's alright. And "codependent" is about the most inaccurate assessment of our relationship at any point in our history.

For those thinking I'm obsessing about this - I'm not. We're what - 4-5 months from splitting up?, and this is (apart from her trying to call/e-mail for the first month) the first time she's pinged on my radar, and that's solely because her picture popped up on my screen a few days ago along with a link to a thread she started called (paraphrasing) "I hate guys that try to sexually force themselves on me". Things like that tend to get my attention.

[Incubus]

It sounds like shes doing this for attention. I can't help but wonder if maybe she is doing this to make Munch somehow jealous/get reinvolved with her in some way.

[Snowboarder Bo]

Run away! Run AWAY!

[awldune]

I understand your concern, but it isn't really your business now and any action on your part is unlikely to be well received.

You need to "ignore list" her and move on.

[Chris Luongo]

Munch, I know how you feel.

It bothers me too when I see people I care about going down the wrong path, or who seem to be in trouble. I like to help people. As the others here have told you, though, many of these people think everything's just fine, they don't need/want your help, and they're likely to become irritated if you try.

There's another approach that I haven't heard mentioned here.

Could you simply invent some excuse to get in touch with a general "hey, long time no talk, how's everything with you?" You might use your mutual friend's new award as an excuse, or maybe you saw a car that looks just like hers in traffic the other day, et cetera.

Her response would tell you a lot. You might get the "Oh, nice to hear from you. Everything's fine, you know, working a lot and stuff" and that'll be the end of it. Or, you might find that she really wants someone to listen to her, someone she trusts who she can talk to about her problems. You don't have to mention what you know about her current lifestyle; maybe she'll come out and tell you.

Again, as the others said, keep in mind that the success rate for what you're thinking of doing is very low. However, I know just how you feel. You want to at least know you tried to do something, so you won't feel guilty if she gets in more trouble. Just making yourself available, without pushing the issue, might be a good compromise.

[GreatStuffMan]

I think it's very nice of you to even care, don't know if I would have in your situation.

While it may seem a little stalker-ish to say you've been checking what she does, and she might take it badly if you contact her about it too, you still have the best of intentions.

So sure, do it if you feel you really care and want to make sure everything's alright. If you're cool with risking she gets upset with you.

[Ravenman]

Originally Posted by Munch

Ravenman - I'm not looking to change her behavior. It just seems to me that there's a slight possibility something's not quite right in her world right now based on her behavior, and I wanted input on the wisdom of popping my head in to see if everything's alright. And "codependent" is about the most inaccurate assessment of our relationship at any point in our history.

I take you at your word, which is why my meter was pegged at WARNING and not CONFIRMED.

Even though you've explained it a few times, I just completely fail to understand a reasonable motivation for contacting someone with whom your relationship -- both sexual and platonic -- has been ended for a matter of months. The only reasons I can think of for such a motivation are nosiness, codependency, or wishing to rekindle the relationship. None of those are good reasons.

BTW -- I find it odd to say that this person's promiscuous behavior is out of character when she was clearly plotting another sexual relationship while the one with the OP was ending.

[Munch]

The only reasons I can think of for such a motivation are nosiness, codependency, or wishing to rekindle the relationship. None of those are good reasons.

I'm going with option 4 - empathy. But I'm leaning strongly towards doing nothing, regardless.

[NurseCarmen]

good. cut the cord.

[Cyn]

Whenever I voiced curiosity about how my ex was doing, my therapist would ask me what I was going to do with that information. When you stop to consider this, you realize how unlikely anything a person says, does or feels can impact a life that is not wholly engaged with yours. One person's posts might appear as a cry for help to some and bragging to someone else. Sleazy behavior may be the height of a ripping good time to those involved.
Strong love and deep friendship may be able to influence risky behaviors but your empathy and concern will be ineffectual.

[sugar and spice]

If you don't want to even be friends with her then I don't see what you can do just by checking in. For one, it would be taken as a sign that you want to keep up a friendship, which you've said you don't. And you're not her therapist, and it's doubtful you have any great advice to share that she doesn't know already. If you're going to be a supportive person to talk to then you'd need to be her friend -- ie, be someone she could call up on a random weeknight, because she wants to talk about her job or her family or whatever. If you're willing to talk about Major Stuff if she *really* needs someone, but otherwise you don't want to hear about her life ... I dunno, I'm thinking to times when I've been in a rough patch and I don't see how that would be helpful. If she needs friends then she needs friends, not people from her past who are trying to stay at arms length.

[Markxxx]

What she does with her life is her business. If she wants to get every STD that's her choice.

Really, what is the motovation here? To save her from her own evil ways?

[Dogzilla]

I think contacting her would be misinterpreted as "still interested" and would be self-serving on the OP's part. You don't want to help her or fix her, you want to be the Good Guy. The Rescuer. The Knight in Shining Armor. Go find someone who is more emotionally healthy to role play with.

[Slithy Tove]

Originally Posted by Munch

I'm going with option 4 - empathy. But I'm leaning strongly towards doing nothing, regardless.

All the usual disclaimers: this is really none of my business; I'm sure not qualified to give advice; compared to some of my decisions, the worse-case scenario of your situation would looks like this , etc., but if you were happily involved in a new relationship, would this thread even exist?

[Munch]

Originally Posted by Slithy Tove

if you were happily involved in a new relationship, would this thread even exist?

Well no - because I wouldn't be active on a dating website.

Originally Posted by sugar and spice

I dunno, I'm thinking to times when I've been in a rough patch and I don't see how that would be helpful. If she needs friends then she needs friends, not people from her past who are trying to stay at arms length.

I think that's the answer right there. I think I initially wanted to check in because my default is to make sure the people around me are happy. But she's not around, nor do I want her around (simply because the relationship is over - not because she's toxic or anything). Anything I do would be for my own piece of mind so that I can say, "well, I tried to lend a hand" if she does go completely off the rails.

[Shakes]

Originally Posted by Munch

In the last month, I can see that she's changed her profile name/personality. That's fine. She's been very active on the forums there, and described incredibly promiscuous behavior. That's also fine -

All that's fine. I wouldn't be too concerned (other than the doctors). But there are two posts today that worry me. ?

[Snip & bolding mine]

She sounds a little psycho. And that's fine.

I think you shoould ignore her. And that's also fine.

Everything is fine.

[Flipshod]

Munch, you show a good moral and ethical impulse. Direct that at the next woman, and your ex can get her support from the next guy. (You do get good advice here, and the no's have it--heed that).

[clarkstar]

ignore her, move on with your life.

[Perciful]

What she does now is really none of your business. Just let it go and try and find the right lady for you. You can't save anyone from themselves.

[BigT]

Why the fuck does it matter that this is an ex? Someone tried to rape her. He knows about this. It is thus his obligation to do something about it.

What boggles my mind is those of you trying to moralize your way out of it. The only way doing nothing is moral is if you buy the Ayn Rand bullshit that you only look out for others' interests if it helps you. And I thought we were better than that.

It's not about being a knight in shining armor. It's about doing what is right.

[AClockworkMelon]

Originally Posted by BigT

Why the fuck does it matter that this is an ex? Someone tried to rape her. He knows about this. It is thus his obligation to do something about it.

What boggles my mind is those of you trying to moralize your way out of it. The only way doing nothing is moral is if you buy the Ayn Rand bullshit that you only look out for others' interests if it helps you. And I thought we were better than that.

It's not about being a knight in shining armor. It's about doing what is right.

I'm not going to come right out and accuse the rape story of being a lie. If the story's true then it's horrible. But let me just say that she's exhibiting a pattern of attention-seeking that I've seen before. As Lisa said:

Originally Posted by PunditLisa

By the ill-advised things that she's divulged on an open dating forum (STDs, date rape, suggestive photos), she's desperately seeking attention. Be wary of people who seek drama as they inevitably find it.

[moonstarssun]

I'm going to disagree with everyone else's advice here. I don't see any harm in sending her a note saying something like, "Hey, ex, some of your posts appeared on my news feed [or whatever it's called], and it sounds like you're going through a difficult time. I'm not interested in restarting our relationship, but I wanted you to know you can talk to me if you need to."

Sometimes just knowing there's someone out there who will spend a little time listening to you can be a lifesaver.