Perhaps I’ve gotten the wrong impression, but women and gay men often seem to get along particularly well. I personally remember in high school that a guy who was very likely gay was surrounded by women. Women are also much less likely to be hostile to gays. Is this just a false impression perpetuated by media like Will & Grace or is there truth to it? If so, why?
Also, I’ve heard two women refer to gays in a way that implied they weren’t men. One referred to a gay man as “one of the girls” and another talked about gays as opposed to men. Both those women are not hostile to gays in the least.
Yeah, women generally love gay guys (myself included). I think the main thing is that gay guys aren’t threatening. The gay guy is never going to make an unwanted sexual advance or try to take advantage of a girl, which is always a potential danger with straight guys.
Another nice thing is that you can hang out with a gay guy knowing that their partner is not going to be jealous (unlike most straight men, who may be happy to be friends while they are single but disappear from their female friends when they get a girlfriend). Gay guys also seem to tend to be more sensitive and open about emotions than straight guys are (though there are exceptions of course). It is fun to have a man to talk to who you know truly just wants to be a good friend to you instead of having a hidden sexual agenda or anything.
The “one of the girls” thing is something that some gay guys actually encourage sort of as a joke or something. I don’t think most people who say things like that mean it in an insulting way.
Here’s a guy you can hang out with who isn’t being nice to you so he can get into your pants. But because he is a man, you can hang out with him and be, well, safer? A woman with a man at a bar or club has less worry about unwanted attention or being accosted than she would alone or with another woman. So you can go out and have some fun without worrying.
Plus, since he’s not a woman, you aren’t actually in competition for the same guys. You can both admire the scenery, so to speak, but there won’t be that worry that you might be interested in the same guy.
This, added to the tendency of some gay men to actually enjoy stupid gurl stuff like shopping, gives you a girlfriend that won’t backstab or steal your man. And because he’s something like a girlfriend, he can be referred to as one. It has nothing to do with not seeing them as men.
Anyway, for me, at least, gay men are all the good about hanging out with guys, without the background noise of “sexsexsex”. And it’s all the good about hanging out with women without all the subliminal competitiveness. It’s … comfortable.
My best friend (a gay guy) is awesome to hang out with because 1. he’s a totally awesome dude, but 2. there’s no sexual tension between us, and 3. we can totally check out the hot guys together. My boyfriend doesn’t worry about me when I’m with him (it’s like having an escort).
The gay men that I’ve been friends with have often been afraid of straight men, or nervous around them. Especially when they were young adults, and were likely to be beaten up just for looking in the general direction of a straight guy. Most of the gay men I knew were anxious about the moment when their straight male friends would find out they were gay, because experience taught them that it often didn’t end well.
Plus, it was often hard for my gay friends to be friends with a straight man without beginning to have romantic or sexual feelings for him. That often led to a big old mess.
Who does that leave for gay men to befriend? Women. Especially if they live in an area that isn’t urban or progressive, where there is not a large gay community, and where many gays are in the closet. You might not be able to tell who is gay, but you can definitely tell the difference between men and women.
Yes, because we straight guys are all rapin’ ass holes who are just waiting for that perfect moment to treat women like the bitches that they are. :rolleyes:
I’ve been acquainted with quite a few women who were either indifferent or outright hostile on the subject of gay guys. I think the OP is posited on the basis of a stereotype that’s not necessarily true.
My wife (and I) have a very good gay friend. He and she love to go shopping all the time. I hate shopping with a fiery passion. They come home and tell me the shopping stories. We are all very happy together.
All she said was that it was a “danger” (meaning a possibility) that a straight guy would hit on or take advantage of a woman. I think that’s a legitimate reason for women preferring the company of gay men. I agree that the sentiment would have been expressed better had she limited her statement to unwanted sexual advances.
“Women often prefer the company of gay men to straight men because with straight men there’s always the possibility that they’ll hit on the woman while that’s very unlikely to happen with a gay man.”
As a gay man, I actually get along better with straight women and (get this) straight men then I get along with lesbians and other gay men.
Every lesbian I know seems to have tons of drama and attitude. Yes I know it’s an overgeneralization and all lesbians aren’t like that, but I can tell you virtually every lesbian I have ever known is like that. I can only think of one that isn’t.
Gay men also have way too much drama and baggage for me.
So I guess it works both way. I was suprised at how many straight men now, will accept me. This is a 180º change from the days of AIDS in the 80s
While it appears gang green pretty well nailed it, let me note in addition the apparent reversal of the “Smokin’ Hot Lesbians” meme: A fair proportion of women find the concept, and sometimes the visual, of two men engaged in lovemaking to be erotic for approximately the same reason as a fair proportion of men find the concept and sometimes the visual of two women engaged in lovemaking to be erotic.
So, why don’t you see the vice versa, with men hanging around butch lesbians and bull dykes? They’re often into the same things; camping, hunting, other outdoorsy stuff, tools, cars, and the like.
I don’t think it’s a matter of hostility, Nava. Just wariness.
There have been a number of times I’ve made friendships with men only to be disappointed to find out that he had a sexual interest which wasn’t encouraged or reciprocated by me. It gets old after a while.
One doesn’t encounter that with gay male friends. (Later though you find out that they were just being nice to you because they wanted to get into your make-up kit.)
I think it may be because many gay men actually seem to like women, while many straight men seem to not like women. If a straight woman wants a straight male friend, she generally feels she has to try to be ‘one of the guys.’ Many straight men give the impression that “girly” things, like being interested in the way other people might feel, or the more obvious stereotypical things like shopping or taking interest in one’s appearance, are beneath them. They like to sleep with women, but find actual spending non-sexual time with them to be a chore unless the woman surpresses any interest in stereo-typically feminine topics.
Some, not all, gay men really seem to enjoy women as good company, and women know they’re not faking it in the hopes of getting laid. Women and gay men share the experience of being de facto, although not de jure, second class human beings in a culture dominated by straight men. They’ve been told by society for all of their lives that their interests are inferior to those of manly men. It’s nice to spend time with a man who actually seems to like you as you really are, and who is willing to exchange opinions on topics that are generally considered stupid and trivial. Some gay men will answer the question “Which dress makes me look better - the red or the blue?” with honesty and interest. Straight men usually consider that question to either be a nuisance or a trap.
I had a bunch of gay friends in high school, many of them male. I guess it was a ‘‘feeling safe’’ thing, not having to deal with sexual tension or anything like that… plus they were always quick to tell you if you looked good. My friends always had a good eye for aesthetic beauty, so if I was paid a compliment by one of them, I took it seriously. And what teenage girl doesn’t want to hear ‘‘Your ass looks fantastic in those jeans’’ from a handsome guy without feeling like he’s going to make a move because of it?
I’ll never forget my junior prom – double-date with two gay male friends and my female lesbian best friend. My best friend’s date told me that I deserved an award for Rack of the Year and spent the evening throwing skittles at my cleavage. Best prom ever.
Like Tethered Kite said, one nice thing about being friends with a guy who is openly gay is that the woman in the friendship knows exactly where she stands with the guy, which is often not the case with friendships with straight guys. There’s no question of whether or not he’s secretly only friends with her because he hopes that it will lead to something else. What’s not to like about a friendship that’s free of worry about if this or that will be incorrectly read as a sign of covert interest, or if he’s sending her signals that might eventually need to be dealt with?
The gay guys are less often wary that the straight women are going to try to jump their bones. Lesbians can be just as wary about that (sometimes more so) than straight women when around guys. And while the more dykey of them don’t worry about shit, as far as I can tell, a lot of them are really politicized about male oppression & stuff and don’t want guys around, although it seems like there’s less of that than there used to be.
Be all of that as it may, some of us do hang out with lesbians when we can. There’s something about lesbians that when you get a few of them together they become the funniest & most irreverent people alive. It’s like they all turn into Molly Ivins and Dorothy Parker when they’re amongst each other or something.
