What's the etiquette for "Safe Sex" discussion?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, from previous threads, some of you know I started dating a new guy. Dating again after divorce is a new adventure for me, so I appreciate all your insight.

Now, we’re up to Date #10 and things seem to be leading towards the intimate, although I’m still taking it slow. I’m healthy and I want to stay that way. I brought up the topic of safe sex, since we are heading down the road towards exclusivity/monogamy, and it is becoming apparent that we will probably become intimate in the next couple of weeks (not yet, but soon, if things continue to go well).

I was married a long time, but about a year ago, during a routine annual physical, I asked my GYN to test me for all STDs, so I know I’m clean.

This guy was married for 20 years, claims he was faithful during that time, and since his separation has not been tested but has been sexually active with (he claims) only one other “safe” partner in the past year; is it too much to ask him to get tested? I told him that if he wasn’t tested I insist on all condoms, all the time. He said he is clean, but he is willing to be tested to give me peace of mind (and probably to avoid condoms, I guess).

Is it reasonable to make him get tested? I don’t feel that just taking his word for it is safe enough, I don’t want to take chances, but I don’t know if I’m being overly cautious. How do you all handle “The Talk”? Is there a SOP?

Also, if he IS tested…what are they testing for? I just told my GYN, “Give me tests for everything”. I know the big ones - HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts (is that different than herpes?), hepatitis…am I missing anything? Is there a standard series of tests?

2

The standard test package at the clinic near me is for syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, for $95, and HIV/AIDS (you have to order this test additionally), which is free and anonymous. Herpes testing is generally done only if sores are present, to see if the herpes virus is causing the sore. HPV/warts (same virus) is not generally one that is screened for unless you have symptoms. Indeed, there is no FDA approved test for HPV in men. Warts, obviously, are visible to the naked eye, and I do recommend looking around a little while you’re down there. :wink: If he’s got a wart or sore somewhere he can’t see it, you should let him know. Syphilis chancres, for example, are painless, and sometimes people don’t even know they have them if they’re in a hidden spot.

(But don’t freak out if you see something, either. We all have funky little bumps on our genitals that aren’t warts or STD’s. They’re generally sebaceous glands or ingrown hairs. You can google pictures of warts if you really want to. Finish dinner first.)

When I was at the clinic last week getting my last hepatitis vaccine for nursing school, there was an adorable couple there, clearly getting STD tests together as a “date”. I thought that was kind of sweet, but I’m a huge medical nerd!

And no, I don’t think you’re being too cautious. It’s not about whether you can believe him, it’s whether he can believe all his previous partners, y’know? Lots and lots of people are asymptomatic but passing around viruses, or are too scared/embarrassed to call up their exes to tell them they’ve got the clap.

I’ve always just been really blunt with my monogamous partners. “Hey, condoms all the time until we’re tested and clean, okay? It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust everyone you’ve slept with and everyone they’ve slept with!” Even if I know I haven’t engaged in any sexual behavior since my last test, I get another test, for my partner’s peace of mind.

I don’t know what city you’re in, but if you happen to be on the north side of Chicago, I can’t recommend The Howard Brown Health Center Walk In Clinic highly enough. They rock.

3

What does this even mean? Someone who claimed she’d been tested? You aren’t just trusting him and his judgment – you’re trusting her, and his ex-wife (just because he was faithful doesn’t mean she was as well). If you’re worried about this now, you probably won’t be able to relax during sex, even with a condom. No good for either of you.

4

Years ago I dated a woman who wanted me to have an HIV test before she would have sex with me. On the one hand, I was a bit put off and thought she was overly paranoid. I asked my doctor about testing, and he asked me if I had any reason to think I’d been exposed to HIV, and he couldn’t imagine why I would want a test. The nurse that drew my blood had the same response.

But bottom line was that if I was serious about the relationship then I would have to be willing to compromise on this one point because it was so important to her. So I did.

So if it’s important to you, just tell him how you feel without making it a personal challenge to his morality or something. Make it about how you feel and your concerns, not about suspicions about him. If he balks then maybe the relationship isn’t where you want it to be, or this isn’t the guy for you.

PS We broke up amicably later over unrelated issues. Ironically we never did have sex.

5

I’m not so much worried about HIV as I am about herpes, which is incurable, or things like chlamydia (that show little or no symptoms, particularly in men). He could have been infected but not know it. He may have trusted the woman he slept with, but could have been wrong. THAT’s the concern. I assume that all the tests will come out fine, and then I can just relax about it, but I’m not sure how other people handle this. Do most people just trust and hope for the best?

6

I would think it reasonable for a potential partner to ask that we be tested. :slight_smile:

7

You can get a blood test for herpes. Also, using condoms do not prevent herpes or hpv- they’re not necessarily going to be on the shaft of the penis and covered by a condom.

8

Any time I’ve asked my gyno for a test they ask “have you recently changed sex partners?” and I say “yep” and they write that answer down and my insurance (which is not even very good insurance) pays for it 100%.

So, it seems to me that gynos and insurance companies are all for us getting tested when switching sex partners. I’m all for it too.

It’s not out of line for you to ask and he seems cool with it so just everybody get it done!

9

:dubious: Um, HIV is also incurable… Also, I think your priorities are a little bit out of order. Herpes is not a big deal. Yes, a subset of people who contract herpes do not clear the virus from their bodies, but even in those who are infected for life, the virus does not usually cause any major symptoms other than uncomfortable genital lesions that eventually clear up. HIV, on the other hand is much more deadly and much more worthy of caution.

10

I don’t know your age, but what about pregnancy?

11

I didn’t mean that I thought that HIV was curable; I just find it unlikely in this situation because as far as I know he is not in a high-risk group - by that I mean that he does not appear to be/have been an IV drug user, he was married for 20 years to the same woman and there is no indication that he’s been having unprotected sex with other men, etc. Then again, I can never know for sure, that’s why I’m inclined to ask him to just get tested for everything (since they’re already drawing the blood).

And, I know that g-you can learn to deal with herpes; but given the choice, I’d rather avoid it with a simple blood test than deal with it for the rest of my life.

12

Thanks for asking, I forgot to mention that. Late forties, I’m still ovulating…I had been on the Pill until my ex-husband had had a vasectomy, but going forward now I still have that option (among others). But when I mentioned that I had not been on birth control for a long time because of my ex’s vasectomy, New Guy offered to consider having it done himself. I didn’t ask him to do that, but he had already indicated that he’s finished having children; I told him that that was an option, but still a choice he’d have to make for himself, not for me. And, of course, that is not an immediate solution (takes time to make the decision, schedule the surgery, recover, and then a period of time to be sure he’s “shooting blanks”).

His openness and willingness to be tested, to do this for my peace of mind, and to even consider a vasectomy, lead me to believe he’s sincere and has nothing to hide (so I assume all tests will be okay). If he was insulted or refused to be tested, I would be much more worried! But then again, there’s always that chance that I’m wrong…I would much rather ask him to be tested and then forget about it, than to have that doubt. You always hear “Practice safe sex! Use condoms!” but I’m not exactly sure what the etiquette is!

13

I think you missed my point. Read my post again and substitute “STDs” for “HIV.”

If you’re concerned about it, that’s you, and you have a right to be you. How he reacts will tell you a lot and him and the potential for the relationship.

14

Yeah, “slow”, that’s quite an understatement here.
Gosh. 10th date, and still nothing ? Are you both asexual or what ?

15

Is there some especial reason you feel compelled to cast aspersions on other peoples’ sex lives, Khaki? :dubious:

Frankly, I don’t think that the subject requires a whole lot of discussion. Condoms until everyone gets tested. Everyone includes you, by the way, if he asks. After all, if someone handed me a year-old test, I’d want something more recent.

I’ll also throw in a recommendation of getting your tubes tied, if you’re done having children. It’s nice of him to offer to get a vasectomy, but if you get your tubes tied, you’ll never have to worry about pregnancy again, no matter who you sleep with. It’s quite delightful, really.

16

I was trying to be delicate and not give TMI…I didn’t say “nothing” had happened, there’s been enough activity for me to know it’s going to happen relatively soon; but I’m not one to give it up on the first date. And those 10 dates have occurred in three weeks; 10 dates seems like a lot, but three weeks is not much time to get to know someone. YMMV, Khaki.

17

I’ve thought of that. I am due for my annual exam in September (that’s when I was tested last year) and plan to ask my GYN about being tested again and possible options for birth control. If anything happens before then, we’d just be using condoms. But if I recall correctly, isn’t getting your tubes tied much more invasive than the one for men? I recall my ex did same-day surgery for his vasectomy, but I thought for women it was more complicated. Or has that changed?

18

Having your tubes tied is more complicated and more medically risky than a vasectomy. But, as **Diana **says, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant from anyone, then!

Have a chat with your Gyn. There are a lot of new birth control methods out there, from vaginal rings to patches to Essure (little metal coils that are inserted into your tubes and scar over to block them; similar to tube tying but less invasive and just as effective) to newer IUDs (more effective with fewer side effects than the IUDs of the '70s) to FAM (sympto-thermal fertility testing; good if you’re a non- nor light drinker with a regular sleep schedule who is still menstruating regularly, not good when you enter perimenopause). S/he’ll help you sort through your options and figure out what’s best for you, your body and your lifestyle.

19

Nope hasn’t changed it’s still day surgery with probably a week or so recovery if you’re lucky, couple of weeks if you’re not. Very likely two small laproscopy incisions, probably one of them in your belly button. Also full anaesthesia with all of it’s associated risks.

20

That’s a hell of a good idea. Make a date, go through the awkwardness together, get some of the air cleared around this normally taboo subject. Then you both get the test results in at the same time and can celebrate together. In fact, you could make it a real big gag where you both show up in your sexy outfits with your results(unopened) in hand. Then “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” starts off the proceedings, which(assuming previous info is accurate) should be rollicking in no time.

Enjoy,
Steven