my wife thinks im cheating on her, I'M NOT

[dallascarr]

Im Very confused, my wife believes I'm having an affair and its totally false. We have 5 kids together, been married for 14 years, work together at our business, literally 6 feet from each other accept when im on the road( 5-6 hrs a day). im at my wits end, I cant explain to her enough or make her believe that I'm NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! It's aggravating and taking a toll on my patients. I love her so much it hurts me to think of a life without her, what do I do that I havent already done?

[Chimera]

What is she citing as her evidence?

Lack of sex? Phone calls? Not being around? Each of those can be addressed.

Suspicion and paranoia? A lot harder to deal with.

[Isamu]

Why, exactly, does she think you're having an affair? She found something? Or just a general sense?

[dallascarr]

I dont know, I work with a lot of women, ( designers) I meet with them a lot and their in my phone logs. Many of them have become friends but only during work hours, I NEVER hang out with them on weekends or any thing like that. We talk about how their kids are and what they did over the weekend. Just friendly chit chat

[dallascarr]

DEFINITELY not lack of sex, after 14 years we have a healthy sex life, but she has shown me more attention now than in the past, she cant get enough sex now

[dallascarr]

Lately I ran into a guy who happened to be married to an old girlfriend of mine, thats when it all started

[Jack Batty]

If I were as open about my cynicism as I pretend to be, I'd offer the notion that maybe she's having an affair and she's deflecting it onto you. But I'm not that big of an asshole.

Or maybe I am. Sorry ... but that's the news from the cynic's desk.

[dallascarr]

Originally Posted by Chimera

What is she citing as her evidence?

Lack of sex? Phone calls? Not being around? Each of those can be addressed.

Suspicion and paranoia? A lot harder to deal with.

We spend more time together than most other married couples we know

[elbows]

How is it you're old enough to have 5 kids, be married 14 yrs, run a successful business but don't know how to use capital letters or apostrophes?

"accept" should be "except", "patients" should be "patience"?

I'm no language Nazi but I'm guessing either English is not your first language, or, you're having some fun with us. It's certainly makes it hard to take you seriously, or even believe you, to be perfectly honest.

Maybe it's just me.

[Agent Foxtrot]

Originally Posted by Jack Batty

If I were as open about my cynicism as I pretend to be, I'd offer the notion that maybe she's having an affair and she's deflecting it onto you. But I'm not that big of an asshole.

Or maybe I am. Sorry ... but that's the news from the cynic's desk.

I was thinking along the same lines. We had a friend whose wife was boning another guy, but she was constantly accusing him of cheating. I think it has something to do with guilt, or something.

[Isamu]

Originally Posted by Agent Foxtrot

I was thinking along the same lines. We had a friend whose wife was boning another guy, but she was constantly accusing him of cheating. I think it has something to do with guilt, or something.

I (would like to) call it the gay preacher syndrome. The certainty that you are a good person, and therefore even the best of people out there are just as capable/desirous of doing the 'evil' things that you're doing.

[sandra_nz]

Originally Posted by Jack Batty

If I were as open about my cynicism as I pretend to be, I'd offer the notion that maybe she's having an affair and she's deflecting it onto you. But I'm not that big of an asshole.

Or maybe I am. Sorry ... but that's the news from the cynic's desk.

That was my thought too. Also her renewed interest in sex could indicate an affair - she feels guilty about the sex she's having with the other guy so tries to make it up to you by having more sex with you.

Naturally I don't know you, your wife or your circumstances so this is complete speculation.

[dallascarr]

Originally Posted by elbows

How is it you're old enough to have 5 kids, be married 14 yrs, run a successful business but don't know how to use capital letters or apostrophes?

"accept" should be "except", "patients" should be "patience"?

I'm no language Nazi but I'm guessing either English is not your first language, or, you're having some fun with us. It's certainly makes it hard to take you seriously, or even believe you, to be perfectly honest.

Maybe it's just me.

yeah I just sit here at my desk and search for shit to post because I have nothing better to do, I'm 40 with a 19 y/o, 2 -17 y/olds one of which is mine from a previous marriage and the 19 and other 17 y/o from her previous marriage and we have 13 y/o twins together. I am typically good with spelling and punctuation but I'm a little stressed this morning. Thanks for your insight into my keyboard prowess though.

[Zebra]

My first thought was 'she is having an affair'.


My first ex-wife did that. Maybe it hereditary because her mother did the same thing.

[Ferret Herder]

Couple's counseling.

Oh, and possibly what they said about her being the cheater.

Anyway, good luck with working out whatever is going on.

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

Originally Posted by elbows

How is it you're old enough to have 5 kids, be married 14 yrs, run a successful business but don't know how to use capital letters or apostrophes?

"accept" should be "except", "patients" should be "patience"?

I'm no language Nazi but I'm guessing either English is not your first language, or, you're having some fun with us. It's certainly makes it hard to take you seriously, or even believe you, to be perfectly honest.

Maybe it's just me.

No, it's not just you. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, though.


mmm

[Bartman]

Originally Posted by Jack Batty

If I were as open about my cynicism as I pretend to be, I'd offer the notion that maybe she's having an affair and she's deflecting it onto you. But I'm not that big of an asshole.

Or maybe I am. Sorry ... but that's the news from the cynic's desk.

Yep. Accusations of cheating are one of the classic signs of cheating. Others are:
- Adoptions of new hobbies, especially if they don't seem to have any affect. Like suddenly "bowling" three times a week, but not buying a ball or shoes. Or hitting the gym nightly without any weight loss. Or constantly working late.
- Change in sexual frequency within the marriage, either up or down.
- General improvements of appearance and grooming.
- Changes in communication. Like them screen phone calls, when they never used to do that, or them suddenly texting when they previously preferred phone calls.
- Increase in arguments within the marriage.

Are you sending any of these signals to her? Is she sending any to you... I've seen at least three signs from the OP's wife (Accusations, suddenly improved sex life, and arguments). If you are giving her signals, stop. If she is giving you signals, I would talk to her about them. In any case a joint visit to a marriage therapist would not be out of order.

[gregorio]

Originally Posted by dallascarr

Im Very confused, my wife believes I'm having an affair and its totally false. We have 5 kids together, been married for 14 years, work together at our business, literally 6 feet from each other accept when im on the road( 5-6 hrs a day).

Bolding mine.

Nope. Nowhere to fit an affair in that I can see. Not saying you are, but am saying there is plenty of opportunity for suspicion.

[Rushgeekgirl]

Originally Posted by elbows

How is it you're old enough to have 5 kids, be married 14 yrs, run a successful business but don't know how to use capital letters or apostrophes?

"accept" should be "except", "patients" should be "patience"?

I'm no language Nazi but I'm guessing either English is not your first language, or, you're having some fun with us. It's certainly makes it hard to take you seriously, or even believe you, to be perfectly honest.

Maybe it's just me.

Oh no, it's not just you. It's hilariously popular on this board to make fun of poor spelling and grammar.
You should have capitalized "accept", by the way.

To the OP:
Your wife may be feeling insecure lately because of her own issues, not anything you've done. I have been through spells like this in my life. I feel fat and unattractive; Mig is late coming home and my thoughts turn to the negative. I have him cheating in my mind a hundred times and all he's doing is working extra hard to pay the bills. But it's hard to turn off the thoughts even though I know it pisses him off when the accusations somehow slip out of my mouth. It's like I can't control it and I feel like crap about it but that's how it happens. Maybe that's all that's going on with your wife? Seems I have fewer of these thoughts when things are especially romantic with us. Not sexual; romantic.

[Little Edie]

Originally Posted by Rushgeekgirl

To the OP:
Your wife may be feeling insecure lately because of her own issues, not anything you've done. I have been through spells like this in my life. I feel fat and unattractive; Mig is late coming home and my thoughts turn to the negative. I have him cheating in my mind a hundred times and all he's doing is working extra hard to pay the bills. But it's hard to turn off the thoughts even though I know it pisses him off when the accusations somehow slip out of my mouth. It's like I can't control it and I feel like crap about it but that's how it happens. Maybe that's all that's going on with your wife? Seems I have fewer of these thoughts when things are especially romantic with us. Not sexual; romantic.

If the OP travels for work and the wife doesn't, maybe she's jealous of what she sees as his freedom. Maybe she sees her children becoming teenagers and starting their own lives and feels old and unattractive. Maybe, as others have said, she's cheated or just thought about cheating and is turning her guilt into paranoia.

I'd definitely offer to go to couples counseling and, even though I wouldn't suggest it to her, she'd be smart to seek out individual therapy as well. It's got to be frustrating as hell to have to deny this and assure her all the time... though that's just what a cheater would say and do, isn't it?

[billfish678]

Originally Posted by Rushgeekgirl

Oh no, it's not just you. It's hilariously popular on this board to make fun of poor spelling and grammar.
You should have capitalized "accept", by the way.

.

No kidding.

Some people around here can be really classy can't they

To the OP. You'll get lots of good advice here (and some bad too probably). Take it all in and just ignore the jerky folks, because some people here really do wanna help you or know where your coming from.

[Shagnasty]

How upset is your wife that you are nailing some of these other chicks? It doesn't sound like that bad of a reaction from your OP. You could just do it to give each of you a reality based starting point to work from. It might be less frustrating than not getting any on the side and having to put up with the accusations.

[Stranger On A Train]

Originally Posted by Agent Foxtrot

We had a friend whose wife was boning another guy, but she was constantly accusing him of cheating. I think it has something to do with guilt, or something.

Psychological projection.

Stranger

[Acsenray]

Originally Posted by Jack Batty

If I were as open about my cynicism as I pretend to be, I'd offer the notion that maybe she's having an affair and she's deflecting it onto you.

Originally Posted by Agent Foxtrot

I was thinking along the same lines. We had a friend whose wife was boning another guy, but she was constantly accusing him of cheating. I think it has something to do with guilt, or something.

Originally Posted by sandra_nz

That was my thought too. Also her renewed interest in sex could indicate an affair - she feels guilty about the sex she's having with the other guy so tries to make it up to you by having more sex with you.

Originally Posted by Zebra

My first thought was 'she is having an affair'.

Originally Posted by Ferret Herder

Oh, and possibly what they said about her being the cheater.

Originally Posted by Bartman

Yep. Accusations of cheating are one of the classic signs of cheating. Others are:
...
- Change in sexual frequency within the marriage, either up or down.
... (Accusations, suddenly improved sex life, and arguments).

Yep, first thing that came to mind. Increased interest in sex and accusing you of cheating? She's cheating. Or she's suffering from mental illness.

[Munch]

Originally Posted by billfish678

No kidding.

Some people around here can be really classy can't they

I disagree. It's spring break in a lot of places, and we've seen this before when there's a lot of kids out of school. Really bad spelling/grammar does make it hard to take the OP seriously, regardless of how sincere he actually is.

[dallascarr]

Originally Posted by Munch

I disagree. It's spring break in a lot of places, and we've seen this before when there's a lot of kids out of school. Really bad spelling/grammar does make it hard to take the OP seriously, regardless of how sincere he actually is.

I promise you, this is no joke or goofing around, I wish it was. We have discussed this further this morning and I am looking into a therapist.

[Munch]

Originally Posted by dallascarr

I promise you, this is no joke or goofing around, I wish it was. We have discussed this further this morning and I am looking into a therapist.

Glad (sorry?) to hear that. I hope everything works out. I had a very good friend of mine in a very similar position several years ago, but they were newly married - so they didn't have the history you guys have. Good luck.

[Woeg]

Huh. My ex-wife was like this too - ALWAYS accusing me of cheating, always suspicious of my activities, even though the only time I was away from her was while I was at work or traveling to work (9-11 hrs a day). The accusations picked up dramatically the last few years of my marriage...and strangely, so did our previously wretched sex life.

Yeah, she was cheating on my that whole time. :P

[SeldomSeen]

Originally Posted by dallascarr

Im Very confused, my wife believes I'm having an affair and its totally false. We have 5 kids together, been married for 14 years, work together at our business, literally 6 feet from each other accept when im on the road( 5-6 hrs a day). im at my wits end, I cant explain to her enough or make her believe that I'm NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! It's aggravating and taking a toll on my patients. I love her so much it hurts me to think of a life without her, what do I do that I havent already done?

Your situation raises several red flags from one who's been there. There are several possibilities.

A) She may honestly (if mistakenly) believe you are having an affair.

B) She may be psychologically projecting her own behavior onto you.

C) She may know the accusation is false, but is using it as a manipulative device.

If the problem is (A), if you are both honest and have a reasonable level of trust, it shouldn't be too difficult to convince her that her fears are groundless. If it is (B) or (C) you have a problem. FWIW, I spent 21 years with an abusive controlling narcissistic b*tch and am even now in the final stages of breaking out. Counselling can sometimes help, but is by no means a sure thing. Counselling can only help if the person in question wants to be helped....and the very nature of their disorder makes them incapable of realising that they have a problem.

Does your spouse investigate you....trace your internet activities or demand an accounting of every dime you spend? Does she attempt to seperate you from your extended family and friends? Does she criticize and belittle you, especially in bed? Does she enlist the children against you....telling them "your father doesn't care about "us", he wishes he didn't have a family" etc.? Does she gauge your moods and make accusations or demands when she senses you are least prepared to deal with it? Does she make baseless accusations and inconsistant demands? Take it from one who has been there....abuse is not always a physical assault, emotional and manipulative abuse ranks right up there on the damage scale.

If counselling does not help, you need to work at getting out. Do not fool yourself into the "I love her and want to help her" mode. You can't help her, but you can save yourself from going down with her. An abusive relationship never gets better on its own, it only gets worse. Do the best you can for the kids and move on. The law and the courts are ridiculously biased toward the woman, but an abused husband can sometimes come out all right. Even if it costs you dearly, it is a worthy investment.
SS

[Smeghead]

I'm genuinely baffled that anyone thinks that they, who know the situation intimately and have known the other party for, in this case, upwards of a decade, are less able to handle a situation like this than are a random collection of anonymous strangers on the internet, who are working off of one small paragraph of sketchy (and yes, poorly communicated) one-sided information.

I'm slightly more baffled that so many of the anonymous strangers seem to agree with him.

[elninost0rm]

Originally Posted by Munch

I disagree. It's spring break in a lot of places, and we've seen this before when there's a lot of kids out of school. Really bad spelling/grammar does make it hard to take the OP seriously, regardless of how sincere he actually is.

I had no difficulty discerning the fact that he was serious.

Nothing about his topic or presentation indicates trolling.

Apparently, bad grammar/spelling is an automatic trolling flag.

I'll keep that in mind.

[Munch]

Originally Posted by elninost0rm

I had no difficulty discerning the fact that he was serious.

Nothing about his topic or presentation indicates trolling.

Apparently, bad grammar/spelling is an automatic trolling flag.

I'll keep that in mind.

You've been here less than a year. In my 11 years on this board, posters who join up for the express purpose of pouring their heart and souls out have a higher than average chance of just being here to pull our collective chains. This also seems to occur more often during spring/summer/Christmas breaks. Combined with grammar commensurate with a student-aged person with nothing better to do, and yeah - it's a flag.

[Omar Little]

Another vote for her cheating on you, and accusing you is 1) a means of assuaging her own guilt, and 2) throwing the scent off of herself if you by chance are becoming suspicious.

Are you a doctor or a home builder? Patients and designers.

Give us a little more background on your situation. Work together but you're on the road. What's she doing while you're out on the road? What does she say when she accuses you? That it's a feeling or she thinks you're bumping uglies with Miss Thing on Tuesdays?

[Ferret Herder]

Originally Posted by Smeghead

I'm genuinely baffled that anyone thinks that they, who know the situation intimately and have known the other party for, in this case, upwards of a decade, are less able to handle a situation like this than are a random collection of anonymous strangers on the internet, who are working off of one small paragraph of sketchy (and yes, poorly communicated) one-sided information.

I'm slightly more baffled that so many of the anonymous strangers seem to agree with him.

Well, we could say "no really, you're actually cheating, amirite?" and he'd say "LOL you got me." Or... not.

So saying "get couples counseling" is the best solution regardless of who is or isn't cheating.

[Jack Batty]

Besides, a thread full of, "this is none of our business," wouldn't make for very compelling reading.

[Unintentionally Blank]

I've been where you are. In my case:

1. My wife had some fairly serious self-worth issues.
2. She was desperately trying to be happy after a statistically unbelievable number of bad life altering events.
3. She started hanging out with 'the wrong crowd'
4. Big changes in her libido occurred.
5. She may or may not have cheated, but in order to make things right, it had to become unimportant.

We started getting help seperately to deal with our seperate issues.

After that, I got greatly suspicious of any external men in her life. A statement by my therapist really resonated with me:

"If this guy makes you jealous, and there's nothing going on, there will be 10 guys in line behind him to make you jealous."

So what's the take-away? Talk to her. Ask her if she's being faithful. Attempt to get help together if that's what the two of you determine.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: if she thinks you're unfaithful, because she's considering being unfaithful, WHY? That's the core issue that needs to be dealt with.

In our case, we realized all the crap that was happening to us was _external_ to our relationship together...which was just about the only good thing we had. We didn't want to get rid of that and started working together.

[Dung Beetle]

Originally Posted by Omar Little

Are you a doctor or a home builder? Patients and designers.

I believe he meant "patience".

[ratatoskK]

Perhaps your wife has mental health issues. My husband's mother accused his father of having affairs, and it wasn't true, and she was a real bitch about it. She was an alcoholic and kind of unstable, although she hid it well.

[Yeticus Rex]

Originally Posted by Ferret Herder

Couple's counseling.

Oh, and possibly what they said about her being the cheater.

Anyway, good luck with working out whatever is going on.

+1.

Originally Posted by dallascarr

I promise you, this is no joke or goofing around, I wish it was. We have discussed this further this morning and I am looking into a therapist.

+1.

Originally Posted by Ferret Herder

Well, we could say "no really, you're actually cheating, amirite?" and he'd say "LOL you got me." Or... not.

So saying "get couples counseling" is the best solution regardless of who is or isn't cheating.

+2.

Everything else is just speculative MM minutia.
Ask for the thread to be closed, you already got the best answer.

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Yeticus Rex

Ask for the thread to be closed, you already got the best answer.

No way. dallascarr has an obligation to come back here and keep us up to date with what's going on between he and his wife. And if he ever decides to come clean about who he's banging, he's got to come here and update us on that as well.

[Swallowed My Cellphone]

A DP I was acquainted with's wife went through a major bad time that way. Timing coincided with their eldest going off to college. So they think it may have been related to that milestone: the first child leaving the nest.

IIRC, he said that Prozac saved his marriage. That was over 15 years ago, they're still together and doing just fine, but he said it was really weird for while.

[Acsenray]

Originally Posted by Swallowed My Cellphone

A DP I was acquainted with's wife ...

Come again? With's?

[Markxxx]

There's an old saying "The best defense is a good offense"

[Omar Little]

Originally Posted by Swallowed My Cellphone

A DP I was acquainted with's wife

Originally Posted by acsenray

Come again?

That's what she said.

[Munch]

Originally Posted by acsenray

Come again? With's?

I don't know what a DP is, but I read it as "[A DP I was acquainted with]'s wife", as in "somebody's wife" where somebody="DP I knew".

At least I hope I don't know what a DP is in this situation. Otherwise, that's a WHOLE lot of information...

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by Smeghead

I'm genuinely baffled that anyone thinks that they, who know the situation intimately and have known the other party for, in this case, upwards of a decade, are less able to handle a situation like this than are a random collection of anonymous strangers on the internet, who are working off of one small paragraph of sketchy (and yes, poorly communicated) one-sided information.

I'm slightly more baffled that so many of the anonymous strangers seem to agree with him.

Yeah, well, some of us LIKE to play Armchair Psychologist. I also think that advice you get from anonymous strangers on the internet is worth exactly what you paid for it.

Originally Posted by Jack Batty

Besides, a thread full of, "this is none of our business," wouldn't make for very compelling reading.

Yeah!

[elbows]

Some people around here can be really classy can't they

So, so very, very sorry to have so mortally offended you, big fella. This is the very first time I have ever called anyone on their spelling/grammar in over 10 yrs here.

To me it seemed so much to be the style of a teenager that I felt it was one, trying to disguise what was really going on or trying to avoid a lot of, "you're young, you'll love again", sort of advice.

Clearly I was wrong. Sincere apologies to all.

It's a written medium, after all. We only have words to form an impression of where you're coming from, etc. When you post like a 14yr old texting his mates, don't be surprised if people are unsure of your sincerity.

[Hampshire]

Any external forces on her part that may be messing with her head raising her suspicions? Does she have any friends or relatives that have recently cheated or have been cheated on? Is she watching any TV shows or reading any novels where cheating is going on and she thinks about it a lot?
Is she the type of person who likes a lot of drama in their life? Possible maybe she's bored at this point in her life and is trying to create faux drama where there is none?
How did your previous marriage end? Did you hook up with her before the other marriage ended?
How are you around these other woman you work with? Very outgoing, happy, chatty with them and then business like with her? Maybe she sees you being a "happier" different person when you're around other woman, thinks you enjoy their company more than hers, and lets her imagination go wild.

Lots of possibilities.

[raindog]

All these votes for her possibly having an affair and my first thought was he's having an affair, started this thread and will figure out how he will arrange for her to stumble upon this thread in due time.

I guess we're all cynics....

[billfish678]

Originally Posted by elbows

So, so very, very sorry to have so mortally offended you, big fella. This is the very first time I have ever called anyone on their spelling/grammar in over 10 yrs here.

To me it seemed so much to be the style of a teenager that I felt it was one, trying to disguise what was really going on or trying to avoid a lot of, "you're young, you'll love again", sort of advice.

Clearly I was wrong. Sincere apologies to all.

It's a written medium, after all. We only have words to form an impression of where you're coming from, etc. When you post like a 14yr old texting his mates, don't be surprised if people are unsure of your sincerity.

Half apologies with excuses are even classier.