On one hand, she thinks I’m a sweet romantic who can compose poems and speaks from the bottom of his heart; she likes this charming, sensitive side of my personality and that’s what makes us stick together.
Unfortunately, there’s another side to my personality which she isn’t aware of - I’m a hardcore sex addict. On an online sex addiction test, I was 99 percentile ahead of other participants. I’m a total control freak, have weird fetishes and strongly into BDSM, whipping, blood, urine and feces fetish and other depravities which should easily shock anyone with normal sensibilities.
Fortunately, I have a strong control over the darker sides of my personality and noone else apart from me knows they exist. And, I don’t really want anyone including her to find out about it. I just want her to be together with me and I’ll keep my darker side a secret from her. It might work only if I can speeden the switching on and off of both personalities.
Is there a way to smoothly transition from sweetboy romantic poet to my Satanic side and vice versa - like in a flash instant? They are diametrically opposite behaviour attributes. I think different hemispheres of the brain are involved in directing these contrasting personalities. Someone who at one moment, is basking in the glow of divine love- I feel guilty when next moment I have to change to a ruthless, sexual beast.
Whatever happens, I’m very much in love with her and don’t want to lose her.
Are you guys in a committed relationship? It sounds like you really need to have sex with some women who are into the same shit as you.
It’s not healthy to go through life thinking that the things you’re interested in would shock and appall any normal person. I think it would relieve a lot of the pressure you’re feeling to see first hand that even if you’re ahead of 99 percent of people, with 300,000,000 people in the U.S. alone there’s a ton of people who find your fantasies both hot and unremarkable.
Once you realize there’s nothing really wrong with BDSM and blood and feces, you may decide you only want to date others who are into the same things, or your fantasies may seem less important and you decide you’re ok with a sweet romantic girl.
For this particular girl I don’t really have any advice unless you’re not committed to her in which case I recommend exploring that side you’re keeping hidden right away. It’s seriously nothing to hide.
Thank you. That’s also my standard pick-up line with women
Unfortunately, SEX and LOVE are two separate functions in my brain. The Sex element is purely driven by lust whereas the love element teems with self-sacrifice and heroism. I’m unable to reconcile these two aspects of my personality.
To put some perspective on this, I can unconditionally love the woman of my life and even sacrifice my life for her when needed - at the same time, I won’t have any moral scruples sleeping with another woman who takes my fancy. It’s like, so what? I just fucked her - I still love you!
No, we’re still in initial dating phase. But seem to have a lot in common and genuine affection for each other. I’ve never experienced such perfect chemistry with any other woman. It just seems like a divine match.
However, even if I marry her (and she’s everything I need in a woman), knowing myself at present, I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to cheat on her.
Maybe I suffer from some sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde split personality syndrome.
Sweetie, those particular fetishes aren’t my cuppa, but there are lots of fish in the sea, and your sweet innocent little girlfriend may be kinkier than you know.
At the very least, she may be ok with playing around with you, as long as you can reciprocate with sweet romantic things (or whatever weird fetish she confesses to you after you bare your soul.)
You’ll never know until you step out of the darkness!
If she’s not ok with the fetish stuff, please believe that no matter how sweet and nice the relationship is, if you’re not trusting her enough to be totally yourself, then that’s a bad sign for a solid and long-lasting relationship.
What actually worries me is that you’re pathologising your interests as evil and satanic - that is something that to me is more of a warning sign than the fact that you have odd kinks to begin with. If it’s something that you’re ashamed of, then you need to find yourself a good kink-oriented sex therapist to figure out why you’re so negative about all that.
Hope you find someone (maybe her) that you trust enough to show your true colors to - I bet you’ll be a lot happier without having to hide all the time, and there’s no sex quite like enjoying the style you like best with someone who enjoys it as much as you do!
Writing to Dan Savage might get you better help, or at least some BDSM resources to check out.
In the meantime, what Lasciel said - playing a more hardcore version of The Virgin and The Whore dichotomy with your girlfriend is not a good path to relationship happiness. You’re going to end up luring in “good girls” and then cheat on them because they can’t give you what you want sexually (or you won’t give them a chance to). You might even be better off being polyamorous, but that requires excellent communication and openness.
Let me ask…IF she were into this stuff, would you still respect her? Or would it be a turn off?
There’s a lot of self-loathing coming through in your post, and that’s a whole 'nother issue, and really, a more important one. You can’t be a whole person if you hate this part of yourself, and you can’t really love another person unless you’re whole.
Counseling. Not because your kinks are bad, but because you seem to think your kinks are bad.
If I’m reading it wrong, then I apologize, and second the suggestion that you look into polyamory and open relationships as a possible solution to your two sided dilemma.
Point 1 - You can most certainly feel both romantic love and sheer animalistic lust for the same person. For me, that person happens to be my husband. Sometimes we cuddle, somtimes we bang each others brains out. (And yes, both styles have been initiated by both parties.)
Point 2 -
You realize that’s a contradiction, right? If she was everything you need in a woman, you wouldn’t need to cheat on her, because she’d be satisfying you sexually as well.
Now, I don’t think that it’s possible for one person to be “everything” that another person will ever need (sexually, soul-mately, or relationship-wise), but if you think that monogamy isn’t your style, you owe it to your partners to be honest about that. There are people who won’t mind, and there are also lots of people who will mind, and that conversation will go better if there’s never a chance to throw the word “cheater” around in the first place.
There are oodles and oodles of dating sites dedicated to helping people with various kinks hook up with each other. Why not go that route instead of lying to “regular” girls? Let’s be real: if your needs (and those are needs) aren’t being met, you’re going to find someway to meet them, ya know?
I agree with Lasciel and WhyNot that you should consider how strongly you feel your sexual fantasies are wrong or something to be ashamed of. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with needing therapy or counseling to work on those issues. But as you say you’ve never shared your sexuality with anybody I think you should really think about just exploring it on your own.
Have you ever indulged in your fantasies with a woman and had her enjoy it as much as you? Ever had a woman come up with some depravity you never even thought of and been totally into trying it? One way or another you really need to become more comfortable with your sexual fantasies. Nothing you’ve said suggests you’re dissociative. It sounds like you’re a nice guy with some kinky fantasies. A LOT of people are, and it’d be good for you to meet some other good people with dark fantasies.
More like Madonna/whore issues is my guess, having known a number of men like you.
And because I’ve known a number of men like you, I can tell you with some authority that you are making a terrible mistake. She is NOT the perfect woman for you if you need to lie to her about who you are. She is your perfect fantasy, and fantasies are not real.
The REAL perfect woman for you is a woman who can flip those switches just like you do, so you can share all the day to day and romantic and loving and etc. stuff you do with this woman, and flip the switch to play all those games when the curtains are drawn.
Can you elaborate further on how you manage this transition in your own relationship?
For me, love is having pious, divine thoughts. It’s on an altogether different plane where self-lessness is the main driving force. Whereas lust is something generated to fulfill selfish desires. I’m having difficulty filling both needs with this same person here.
I generally think folks need to be honest and open with their partners/potential partners about their kinks, especially when those kinks are strong and essential to their sexual pleasures.
If you can’t share that with her, that’s not a good basis for real relationship.
As Dan Savage often recommends, check out Fetlife or similar and find people who share your kink. Lots of folks are into BDSM these days, it’s almost mainstream.
What you seem to be saying in your OP makes no sense. First you say that you have all of these fetishes and “dark side” issues, and then you say that no one at all knows these things about you. So…have you never realized these fetishes with anyone at all? Or has everyone you’ve done these things with conveniently passed away?
OP, you’re elevating love and degrading sex. Sex isn’t evil when it’s consenting partners and love isn’t sunshine and roses. Any chance you’re either really young or from a really strict religious background?
This isn’t about your fetishes at all, or at least not the ones you seem to think it is. You seem to get off from keeping your fetishes a secret, almost as if the good part is the fact that you are doing something wrong and not just that you are having kinky sex. If you really loved her and could see spending your life with her you would share your fetishes with her instead of hiding them and fucking around behind her back.
But the OP should never assume the other person is blander than unsalted mashed potatoes. Some people will like what you like, and if you can find your nerve and the right moment to share that level of intimacy or reach the place where you can trust them that far,
you might find you have… even more in common. If so, may you both enjoy a slow-paced trip along each other’s learning curves.
