Forgive me if it seems like I am overzealous or overdoing it on the subject of “all things disability” but I feel like I am doing it with the proper perspective and appeal so I want to continue.
I want to share a recent story which I think perfectly captures the attitude, the mindset, that a large percentage of people have (some consciously, some unconsciously) towards those with disabilities; in particular those who use wheelchairs. The fitness center where I train has a jacuzzi in the mens locker room which I enjoy after working out, time permitting. This particular day, as I was approaching the jacuzzi to get in I notice one other bather in the tub. It’ a middle aged man and he is intently staring at me.
This, in and of itself, is not unusual. I am used to being stared at. He is watching my every move, and doing it in such a way as to make me avoid eye contact with him at all costs. From experience, I knew that the second I made eye contact, the offers of “Hey, you need me to help ya there?” would be coming. Anyway I got myself out of my chair and into the jacuzzi, where I could FEEL this guy’s eyes still on me. Finally, I could take it no more (in reality it was probably only 30sec) and glanced over his way. He was looking at me with a silly grin, and he said, “Well, I see you did that ALL BY YOURSELF there!” “Way to go!” And he called me “Champ” and gave me a massive thumbs ups!
At first I just brushed it off and ignored him. But I was really exhausted that day, I just wanted to relax in the jacuzzi and this shit just got under my skin (which I think it had justifiable reason to). So I turned to him, and without any rancor or anger told him that speaking to me in such a way was actually offensive to me. Before I could go any further, he indignantly jerked back and rolled his eyes and basically shut down any further communication.
But I felt that this exchange was not the exchange of fellow adults, not the interaction of societal peers. Sure, he wasn’t intending to offend me, he just saw me in a completely different respect. And THAT is at the heart of much of the discrimination experienced by the disabled, the able-bodied simply do not regard those who suffer severe disabilities, such as those who use wheelchairs, as equal citizens worthy of the same experiences and happinesses. The worst part about this story I’ve told isn’t anything particular to the story itself; it’s how common such stories are. I could tell stories all night and day and I bet half of you all would think I was lying.
And in response to hearing me say it was offensive (before clamming up) this guy said that “well I saw another guy in a chair one time and he couldn’t even get out of his chair without an aide and I told him “way to go” for even trying and HE sure didn’t react like you.” Wow. “We’re not all joined at the hip sir.” (and he didn’t say but I had the sneaking suspicion that he was talking about a mentally AS WELL AS physically disabled individual). “That wasn’t me.”
No snark intended, but I’m curious. Would you have been offended if he had got up and attempted to help you? Would you have been offended if he did not acknowledge your disability somehow? What would you have liked to have seen?
I’ve noted your remarks vis a vis the disabled in other threads, and I would like to know–what do you expect of the able-bodied? Forgive me if I am wrong, but it seems as if everything we do sets you off somehow. How would you like us to behave around you, and others like you? Perhaps your counsel will help us all avoid future faux pas.
Picture the scenario I’ve described in your head. “All by yourself?! Way to go! Champ!!” Thumbs way up!! I expect him to treat me as a fellow adult. My issue here has nothing to do with him acknowledging my disability but the manner, the frame of mind, in which it was done. He spoke to me like I was a child. Or like I was mentally handicapped as well. He could have said, once I was in the hottub, “Hey man, I’m impressed with your agility.” Or “I’ve got to admit, I’ve never seen someone quite so nimble in a chair before.” Or whatever. Just communicate to me as you would a fellow peer. Don’t change your behavior, don’t try to mentally navigate and think ahead of what I might/might not like hearing. I am already out and about in the world. I have a pretty good idea of what I do and don’t need help with. And when I do need help with something, I’ll annoy this shit out of you asking for assistance. And, absent any struggle or plea from me, I absolutely would have been offended had he gotten up and attempted to help me in. That is absolutely an invasion of my personal space and honestly quite disrespectful. Just be yourselves and don’t treat me any different than you would anyone else. It’s when you go out of your way NOT to offend that you usually DO offend and virtually NEVER when you simply don’t even think about it and just let things be.
Being disabled apparently doesn’t prevent you from being a drama queen with the dial set to 11. Being confronted by a disabled person struggling to get something done, happens occasionally, but to be honest, is not all that common a scenario in day to day life.
People will feel awkward and uncertain in these unusual situations, and will often say awkward things because they are not sure of the social rules for such interactions. This is reality. You seem predisposed to take offense at the most innocuous of these utterances.
You’re being a world class jackass with this hyper-sensitive attitude. Being around you must be like walking an eggshells, with you waiting for someone to make a perceived mis-step so you can take offense and shout “Gotcha!”
Okay, you obviously have no capability of putting yourself in my position here. I am simply wishing to be treated as a compentent adult. If this makes me a “world class jackass” consider me GUILTY of all charges. I cannot imagine anyone else NOT be offending had they been in a similar situation. Someone fully competent, that is. And grown. And “disabled person struggling to get something done” does not apply to this situation at all. But I already addressed that.
Is it possible that he was just a sort of cheesy guy, and that what he said was in fact his version of “hey man, I’m impressed with your agility”? After all, he didn’t leap out to offer the assistance; this is just about his word choice and tone and expression, right? Maybe he is that cornball with everyone.
Well, that is pretty damned offensive. If it’s any consolation, women sometimes get that, to some extent. “You lifted that big heavy box all by yourself?” Yes, because I’m an adult. But “Champ” I can’t even wrap my head around. Sorry you had to hear that.
Okay, I admit the “champ” bit does sound pretty bad. Still, I’ve encountered a couple guys that came across something like this as a matter of course, where I’d be smirking a little and thinking “are you for real” the whole time talking to them.
I don’t think making a remark to a disabled adult - the sort of remark usually reserved for speaking to people under the age of four - is innocuous. You don’t see how saying something like that is extremely condescending?
Obviously the guy was surprised jamiemcgarry had the wherewithall to deal with moving himself from one spot to another, something that shouldn’t all be a shock if you think of the other person as an intelligent problem-solving adult, and the patronizing idiot had the gall to open his mouth and make sure jamiemcgarryknew he was surprised that someone like him was actually a capable person.
Come on astro, it sounded as if he had no clue that a disabled person was likely PERFECTLY intelligent and healthy otherwise. He spoke to Jamie, as if he were a toddler that had just managed to go potty properly in the potty chair. At least based on as much as I can gather from the OP.
I don’t think it was a matter of “didn’t mean to hurt” Jamie so much as “not intelligent or socially competent enough to know how to deal with his disability in an adult way”. A more reasonable approach, had he wanted to be friendly or offer help/thoughts/what have you might have been something to the effect of “let me know if you’d like some help”. That would have been a more normal equal to equal way of reacting right?
I hope I did all right when I was dating a guy in a wheelchair. We went out to dinner and he was getting his chair out of the back of his truck, he asked (just nicely, as if he were seeing how I was viewing him/his situation) “did you think I’d have trouble with this”? I said “no, but I was curious as to whether you’d have snow tires for your chair or something”. He laughed, so I must have done okay.
jamiemcgarry, thanks for your patience and for not hunting down and killing people who make comments like astro who obviously have no idea what you go through, have no apparent desire to stop and think about what you are actually saying and not saying, and/or no apparent ability to empathize.
(IMO, immediate and knee-jerk snark/lack of empathy/apparent desire to just be contrary is unfortunately almost as common on the Dope as the immediate caring and empathy that also abounds. depending on the day, the minute, the way the wind is blowing, and who’s reading the thread. Nothing in life is quite so arbitrary as whether a particular post or poster will engender deserved sympathy and caring or misplaced ire and bizarre remonstrations on the Straight Dope. But I digress.) Anyway, I completely understand what you are saying - it’s not hard at all. I’m sure it’s also frustrating when you have experienced what you describe hundreds of times and when you share one such incident, people assume that you misinterpreted the event or that the guy in question always talks like that – yeah, maybe; but it’s pretty unlikely that the other hundred people who also treated you that way also always says “Champ” and talks to others like they are mentally challenged or 8 years old.
Put yourself in our place. You come across as a serial whiner about the same subject. Yah, it wasn’t the smoothest thing the guy could have said to you. We get it.
But your premise that not intending to hurt doesn’t take away the hurt is all on you. Grow a thicker skin and enjoy life… or don’t. We all have our crosses to bear and this is yours.
Not that it’s in any way equivalent or related to the situation in the OP, but I’m curious about something else. Do you appreciate or dislike when people go out of their way to hold a door open for you?
By “go out of their way” I mean that it’s not just a normal act that they would do for anyone else near them, but an act where they wait for you, or run ahead of you, to specifically hold the door open for the guy in the wheelchair.
I agree with the OP that the guy was a patronizing jerk, and belittling the OP as implicitly belonging to a separate class of people less worthy of respect. “Good for you, champ, most any other colored fella wouldn’t be able to figure that out.” “Good for you, doll, most women I’ve met couldn’t have done that by themselves.” Still sound like a compliment?
I, too, agree that the guy was a patronising jerk, but frankly the world is full of patronising jerks. I’m very fat but I exercise a lot and I get similar ‘go champ’ comments when I’m out walking up hills or whatever. The way I see it, those comments are more about the people making them than they are about me.
“Way to go, champ! You got your crippled ass in the jacuzzi all by yourself!”
You expect us to believe that scenario without any bias from you? And furthermore, that it represents a recurring scenario in your life?
You know what? I don’t even believe any of your shit anymore, other than you being a parking lot vigilante. I think the guy might have been eyeballing you funny and the rest of the story is fiction spawned from your own insecurity and animousity towards anyone who isn’t you.
You’re so fucking full of piss and vinegar, I don’t have any reason to believe anything you say. You need therapy. Lots of it.
You know, my brother is in a wheelchair too, and he likes to say that the way people are constantly offering to help him regularly reaffirms his faith in humanity. After all, what kind of jerk would be offended by an act of kindness and generosity?
And, absent any struggle or plea from me, I absolutely would have been offended had he gotten up and attempted to help me in. That is absolutely an invasion of my personal space and honestly quite disrespectful. Just be yourselves and don’t treat me any different than you would anyone else. It’s when you go out of your way NOT to offend that you usually DO offend and virtually NEVER when you simply don’t even think about it and just let things be.