Lately I’ve been eating a lot more fruits and vegetables than usual, what with the fresh produce season upon us. Plus we have some leftover whipping cream that I’ve been adding to everything from tomato sauce to smoothies this week, and I’m a little lactose intolerant. This stuff has been going through me like Sherman went through Georgia.
Apropos this, I came within a fraction of a second of shitting my pants today at a client’s office. Nothing came out, but it was one of those farts that starts out gaseous and then heads in the liquidy direction. I was able to squelch it before any damage was done, and made it to the bathroom where subsequent events amply confirmed my suspicions.
At this office, I work mostly in a space by myself that is divided from another space by a wall that doesn’t go all the way to the (very high) ceiling. There’s a woman in the other space who I’m friendly with. Last week when I thought she wasn’t there, I popped off a crackler and sure enough I heard her clear her throat soon after.
I’ve been eating dried seaweed by the sheet, you can get it at any ethnic grocery, the same stuff they wrap sushi rolls with just in like 10" x 12" sheets. It’s delicious, wicked healthy, and has the added benefits of making my shit smell vaguely of a Japanese restaurant.
Ethiopian/Eritrean food (which, for those who don’t know, consists of piles of spicy meat and vegetables on platter of spongy bread) just makes me need to spray crap in all directions. It’s so tasty that I can never pass up the opportunity, but I always have to make sure to be within 10 feet of a bathroom for several hours afterwards.
My mother didn’t believe me when I told her I can’t have prunes. Yes, I like them, but I can’t have them. “Oh, just one, one can’t do anything!” “We’re in your house, I’m doing this under your responsibility, if it turns out I’m right you don’t ever try to push prunes on me again. And you’re handling the cleanup.”
She doesn’t even mention prunes in my presence any more.
There are lots of things that give me Exploding Ass Syndrome, the biggest culprits are sugar alcohols, lots of sugar on an empty stomach, and high fiber content foods. I have to be very careful of what I eat and how far I am from facilities.
Who needs bowel prep when a large bowl of NSA ice cream will do just as good of a job, and is far tastier?
Are you being held captive somewhere? Doesn’t the Geneva Convention specificall ban the use of jellied lamb tongues? What can we do to help secure your release?
If you had done this frequently throughout your work day, I would ask if you worked in the cube next to my wife. She has been complaining recently about her neighbor reporting on the quarter hour.
I told her to leave a pack of matches or an air freshener on his desk as a hint, but she hasn’t mustered the courage.
