Design the most hated Doper - with two rules.

[Mr. Kobayashi]

Your job is to design a Doper who would earn the coveted 'most hated' award. Think of it as a 'we don't like those types round 'ere' list for purposes of codifying. There are two rules:

1) You can't just name a current Doper. That's too lazy, make another thread if they annoy you that much. Plus you'd just point at the OP and say "that", which would hurt my feelings.
2) Our hypothetical doper must not get banned. Deliberate trolling or posting links to goatse in every thread would win the award but would get banned ASAP.

Why is this in the pit? Because I'm sure someone will break rule 1 or point to past incidents regarding specific Dopers, so it'll likely get moved here anyway. I'll get things rolling...

They must have cats - and post about how they've been de-clawed.
They must post in appropriate GD threads - defending the Young Earth Creationist view.
They must have a strong view on circumcision, bringing it up in related threads..
They must post about how pit-bulls are dangerous (that's one of mine).
In Cafe Society, they must express dislike of the work of Joss Whedon.

[Dr. Girlfriend]

Don't forget they must be an anti-vaxxer... and bring it up in completely unrelated threads.

[Cat Whisperer]

They must sign every post with their username.

ETA: They must also quote the entire OP when they are the second poster in a thread, quote an entire long post and add a two word response without snipping anything, and they must post parse vigorously and repeatedly.

ETAA: And never, ever give up an argument that everyone else has lost interest in that has completely lost the point of the thread.

And keep coming back in and adding to their posts.

[AClockworkMelon]

1.) They post in as many threads as possible.
2.) Every single post of theirs is a joke.

[cwthree]

They must work a comment about how the issue at hand is all the fault of [ libtards | conservatards | Dumbocrats | Rethuglicans ] into every post, even when the topic is not even remotely political.

[FloatyGimpy]

They never capitalize.

[Cat Whisperer]

And they disregard grammar and spelling (with the jaunty, "Well, you knew what I meant anyway").

[Mr. Kobayashi]

Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer

And they disregard grammar and spelling (with the jaunty, "Well, you knew what I meant anyway").

Hey! I resemble that remark.

[pulykamell]

No paragraph breaks. Excessive use of ellipses. Excessive use of font tags.

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon

1.) They post in as many threads as possible.
2.) Every single post of theirs is a joke.

Am not!

[El_Kabong]

Originally Posted by FloatyGimpy

They never capitalize.

Whew, Guess You're Not Talking About Me, Then.

Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon

Every single post of theirs is a joke.

Er...

When shown to be manifestly wrong about something, they respond with a lengthy post claiming that they were taken out of context, that everyone completely missed the point, and that their unique definitions of common terms are in fact the correct ones.

Or, they just command everyone to re-read the forty or more repetitive posts they've already made to the thread.

[living_in_hell]

LOL!

[Boyo Jim]

Originally Posted by Mr. Kobayashi

...They must have cats - and post about how they've been de-clawed...

...at home. with a pliers...

Originally Posted by Mr. Kobayashi

...They must post in appropriate GD threads - defending the Young Earth Creationist view....

Insufficient... they must be utterly contemptuous of the theory of evolution, and the very concept of scientific research is laughable to them.

Originally Posted by Mr. Kobayashi

...They must have a strong view on circumcision, bringing it up in related threads....

They must endorse doing it at home, with a pliers. Oh, and female circumcision id the best thing to keep women (excuse me, "girls") in the kitchen where they belong.

Originally Posted by Mr. Kobayashi

...They must post about how pit-bulls are dangerous (that's one of mine)...

This one, you got totally backward. Pit bulls aren't dangerous enough, are unreliable in killing any tresspassers, and even less reliable about eating the corpses to destroy the evidence. Even the children, who they should be able to handle in a single meal.

OTOH, why should they have to worry about hiding evidence, as tresspassers seserve death anyway, as do most of the posters here.

Originally Posted by Mr. Kobayashi

...In Cafe Society, they must express dislike of the work of Joss Whedon.

Well, of course they are opposed to smelly Asian plants, not to mention Asians.

And let's not even talk about the demonstrated intellectual superiority of certain races.

[Attack from the 3rd dimension]

Coy Racism: They're constantly going on how 'clearly there are some differences between races, it's not racist for me to point out that there are differences, otherwise the terms would have no meaning, and allow me to cite this unrelated paper about gene frequencies in hamsters'.

While at the same time being being racist.

ETA: Sorry, I didn't realize we weren't going to...

[Aspidistra]

They follow every post of any gay doper with a post saying "Oh, Daaaaahling!" and nothing else.

[Fenris]

They must (MUST!!!!!) bring up politics in every post. "My third grader just performed her first clarinet solo in her school talent show today. I'm so proud!"/"IF < POLITICIAN > DIDN'T SUCK SO BADLY, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PERFORM SOONER!!!"

They must randomly color, bold, underline, and italicize their walls of text.

Bonus points for Mac-holes (or Linux douches)* who pop into every "My computer is doing this. Can you help?" thread with "Dur--wouldn't happen if you were using a Mac" (this one's mostly gone away, but before Pay To Post we had a good half dozen of these dicks--regular Apple users (the vast majority of people who used Macs) hated them.

And...Pit Weenies--they've gotta be a Pit Weenie who comes into perfectly good pit threads and whines about how meeeeeeannn people are being.

*I'm sure there are Windows jerkoffs who do this too, but I haven't noticed 'em.

[Gatopescado]

OPs are links to youtube and, "Check this out!"

[zoid]

They sink their teeth into an unfounded position and must be adamant that they are right and that everyone else on the board is wrong, wrong, wrong! They will continue to shout this opinion from the rooftops until they are finally proven to be incorrect, wherein they will assume the role of abused victim and invite the rest of us to heap our scorn on their misunderstood and persecuted self.

They have severe emotional disturbances and project them onto society as a whole insisting that the most benign of interactions is actually intensely abusive in nature. They go so far as to compare it to actual physical abuse with no regard to the demeaning of actual victims this implies.

They constantly remind us of the obscene amount of money they make and their complete distain for anyone who doesn’t make as much. They believe sincerely that they are superior to anyone in need of any kind of assistance and look upon them with utter derision. If someone (or their children) dies because of their inability to support themselves, well that’s the free market at work.

In keeping with rule 1) in the OP I of course have no one specific in mind.

[FloatyGimpy]

Giant walls of text. With text-speak!

[Boyo Jim]

Originally Posted by Aspidistra

They follow every post of any gay doper with a post saying "Oh, Daaaaahling!" and nothing else.

Bless your heart!

[living_in_hell]

Originally Posted by floatygimpy

giant walls of text. With text-speak!

rotflmao!

[Boyo Jim]

They create some kind of bizarre catchphrase that makes no real sense and that everyone else hates, and they use it repeatedly.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

Must never, ever learn how to correctly use the quote function.

Must start posts with "Sorry, don't have the time to blow through 3 pages of other people's boring shit posts" followed by points already made at least once earlier in the thread.

Must laughingly respond to posts made by actual doctors with "ORLY? And what qualifies you to talk like an actual doc? LOLOL."

Must stroll proudly into 12yo threads, launching vicious, fact-free attacks at posts/posters long dead and buried.

[The Man With The Golden Gun]

Must make one post of idiotic nonsense in a thread so old that if it was a person it would allowed to post here and have a registration date of whatever the present month is. Make it obvious they found the thread Googling "alien space bat porn". Then go on a drinking binge and forget the SDMB ever existed.

[Boyo Jim]

They think Hitler was a misunderstood and troubled -- though great -- leader, who was being mislead by his treacherous high command.

And BTW, it's very troubling to them that the Jews control Hollywood and the banks.

[living_in_hell]

Originally Posted by KinkiNipponTourist

Must never, ever learn how to correctly use the quote function.

Must start posts with "Sorry, don't have the time to blow through 3 pages of other people's boring shit posts" followed by points already made at least once earlier in the thread.

Must laughingly respond to posts made by actual doctors with "ORLY? And what qualifies you to talk like an actual doc? LOLOL."

Must stroll proudly into 12yo threads, launching vicious, fact-free attacks at posts/posters long dead and buried.

Omg! LMAO! Sorry did anyone already say that here?

[living_in_hell]

Originally Posted by Boyo Jim

They create some kind of bizarre catchphrase that makes no real sense and that everyone else hates, and they use it repeatedly.

Hey let's make one up--I'm down with that!

[Dave Hartwick]

A lot of these would lead to a quick ban.

Mine:

Always ninjas me, often by a day or two, and I don't always realize I was going to say exactly what he said until I read it.

Funnier than me.

Smarter than me.

I hate that guy.

[The Tao's Revenge]

They've installed deafening loud pipes, somehow, on their pedal bike which they use to repeatedly run a stop sign in front of your house at 5 in the morning. After which they switch to an SUV to pick up their screaming kids from the air port.

Also they hang the toilet paper the wrong way.

[KinkiNipponTourist]

[quote=living_in_hell;15019771]Omg! LMAO! Sorry did anyone already say that here?

aww, it would have been better if you'd screwed up the quote function too, man!

[MOIDALIZE]

- Most of the thread he starts will be in Great Debates. They'll either be esoteric discussions of archaic religious topics that involve poorly disguised fundamentalist Christian beliefs, or they'll be earnest attempts at debating some minor aspect of a late-stage libertarian society, after the government has melted away and a nightwatchman state has taken over.

- The concepts of marginal tax rates, fiat currency, and fractional reserve banking must totally mystify him.

[Mosier]

- They must post anecdotes in GQ threads, before the question has been answered.

[etv78]

Asks questions with answers easily found on Google or Wikipedia.

[RickJay]

Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon

1.) They post in as many threads as possible.
2.) Every single post of theirs is a joke.

Taken literally, this would get them banned eventually. Posting never-ending jokes in every thread possible would eventually result in justified complaints of trolling.

[Autolycus]

Originally Posted by Boyo Jim

They create some kind of bizarre catchphrase that makes no real sense and that everyone else hates, and they use it repeatedly.

This one I can forgive. As they say, may he who is without sin...

[F. U. Shakespeare]

Originally Posted by FloatyGimpy

They never capitalize.

Or, they ALWAYS CAPITALIZE.

[blondebear]

Originally Posted by living_in_hell

Hey let's make one up--I'm down with that!

Down? Like, maybe thrown down? Like maybe in a quar.....ACK!!!

[living_in_hell]

[quote=KinkiNipponTourist;15019811]

Originally Posted by living_in_hell

Omg! LMAO! Sorry did anyone already say that here?

aww, it would have been better if you'd screwed up the quote function too, man!

I thought posting the whole thing WAS screwing it up!

[Freddy the Pig]

Tailor your posting style to the Forum. In CS or Game Room, be as doctrinaire as possible. Your teams, games, movies, and TV shows kick ass, and everyone else's suck. This is fact, not opinion, and anyone who can't see it is stupid.

In GD, on the other hand, anything goes. One person's opinion about evolution or vaccination is as good as another, and citing a bunch of fancy-pants scientists in lab coats doesn't make you any more right.

Then we have GQ. You know what sucks about GQ? The questions are too hard. What to do? Post WAG's. Post irrelevant or unfunny anecdotes. Skim the question and post marginally relevant stuff out of wikipedia. Or better yet, post a wrong answer and see if anyone notices.

[sqweels]

How about a lazy fuck who only submits the occasional drive-by post?

[Monty]

They must always refer to America as U$A and Americans as U$Aians.

[NoClueBoy]

a DUCK!

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by Boyo Jim

They create some kind of bizarre catchphrase that makes no real sense and that everyone else hates, and they use it repeatedly.

When I said no onions, I meant no onions!

[Autolycus]

Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer

When I said no onions, I meant no onions!

LOL!

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by Autolycus

LOL!

You're lolling now, but wait for a month from now when I've used it 2,000 times.

[Autolycus]

I thought you said NO onions, roflmao.

[Invisible Chimp]

They post threads with generic titles like "Guess what I saw today," or "I love this," that offers no clue what the thread is about.

[Amasia]

They cite the dictionary as a source when explaining how definition three of the term elucidate does not mean what you think it means FOOL.

They have some sort of job or non-job which allows them hours of posting time a day in which they manage to post an amount of text that no normal person can sort through, making an argument or discussion impossible/an incredible time suck.

They are a middle class person who really "gets" poor people better than anyone else.

[Tapioca Dextrin]

They resurrect zombie threads. In order. With the comment "NO"

[Cat Whisperer]

Originally Posted by Autolycus

I thought you said NO onions, roflmao.

When I said no onions, I MEANT no onions!