WARNING: May offend.
Dopers are a funny breed. A funny genus, too. As I see it, there are about 20 known species of Dopers although more are constantly being discovered. According to my records, the following species of Dopers exist. Each is describwed in a bit more detail below, along with synonyms, geography, habits, mating calls, sample threads and main advantages and disadvantages. So here we begin.
Species 1: The Lurker
Synonym: Who goes there?, Bandwidth Blocker, Ghost, Ip X, Sneaky Pete
Geography: All forums
Habits: Stealing your ideas for personal profit, gawking, haunting
Mating Call: Shhhhh!
Sample Thread: “I am a long time lurker and this is my first post”
Advantages: Not irritating, mostly harmless
Disadvantages: Ripping off stuff, Propensity to sock puppet, Boring.
Bonus: Gets mildly irritated when called a shiftless bunch of low-lifes
Species 2: Ol’ Black and White
Synonym: Damn democratic, Damn republican, Daddy votes this way too
Habits: Shamelessly baiting other members, gross oversimplification
Mating Call: Kennedy’s daddy bought him the election
Sample thread: “Is Ford the best president ever?”
Advantages: Able to simplify complex issues
Disadvantages: Insist on simplifying complex issues, pig-headedness
Warning: This is not a dream!
Species 3: The Gay Avengers
Synonym: Gay and proud, Gay and depressed, Gay and slightly too proud
Habits: Talking about orgies, discussing penis paraphenalia
Mating Call: Any song from “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert”
Sample thread: “Let’s have an orgy and discuss genitalia”
Advantages: Able to educate, interesting, generally good posters
Disadvantages: Monopolize chat, May be one-trick/turn tricks/Eat Trix
Warning: Your gay or lesbian friend may vary
Species 4: The Sexually Repressed
Synonym: Three-balled tomcat, The Horny Toad, Mixing Meat and Milk
Habits: Hitting on others, sucking up, using lots of smilies
Mating Call: Keywords sex/fetish/GUND/porn/adult/bra/breast/cock
Sample threads: “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but is your name Gretchen?”; “Which cartoon character would you like to stick with your stiffy?”
Advantages: Interesting viewpoints, may be entertaining
Disadvantages: Monopolize chat, May become smug after sex
Disclaimer: YOU are not in this category, okay, just the other guys
Species 5: The Mod Squad
Synonyms: Chronos, Coldfire, Czarcasm, D
[NOTE: Edited by Ed_Zotti at 19:32 PM CST or perhaps not]
Mating Call: I’m a mod.
ADVANtages: charismatic geniuses, Tantric sexual proficiency
Disadvantages: None known save finite lifespan.
Species 6: I am God’s Co-Pilot
Synonym: Old Zealot, Fine Line Between Sinner and Cinder, Soul Yeller
Habits: Saving souls, turning other cheek after abuse, citing scripture
Mating Call: That IS a bible in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you
Sample thread: “Post here be you Christian or Jew or Miscellaneous”
Advantages: Tolerant, meek, easy target, uses lots of quotes
Disadvantages: Tend to post often, smug when right
Bonus: Knows all about Darwin from best friend