What species of Doper are YOU? (May offend.)

WARNING: May offend.

Dopers are a funny breed. A funny genus, too. As I see it, there are about 20 known species of Dopers although more are constantly being discovered. According to my records, the following species of Dopers exist. Each is describwed in a bit more detail below, along with synonyms, geography, habits, mating calls, sample threads and main advantages and disadvantages. So here we begin.

Species 1: The Lurker

Synonym: Who goes there?, Bandwidth Blocker, Ghost, Ip X, Sneaky Pete
Geography: All forums
Habits: Stealing your ideas for personal profit, gawking, haunting
Mating Call: Shhhhh!
Sample Thread: “I am a long time lurker and this is my first post”
Advantages: Not irritating, mostly harmless
Disadvantages: Ripping off stuff, Propensity to sock puppet, Boring.
Bonus: Gets mildly irritated when called a shiftless bunch of low-lifes

Species 2: Ol’ Black and White

Synonym: Damn democratic, Damn republican, Daddy votes this way too
Geography: GD
Habits: Shamelessly baiting other members, gross oversimplification
Mating Call: Kennedy’s daddy bought him the election
Sample thread: “Is Ford the best president ever?”
Advantages: Able to simplify complex issues
Disadvantages: Insist on simplifying complex issues, pig-headedness
Warning: This is not a dream!

Species 3: The Gay Avengers

Synonym: Gay and proud, Gay and depressed, Gay and slightly too proud
Geography: omnipresent
Habits: Talking about orgies, discussing penis paraphenalia
Mating Call: Any song from “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert”
Sample thread: “Let’s have an orgy and discuss genitalia”
Advantages: Able to educate, interesting, generally good posters
Disadvantages: Monopolize chat, May be one-trick/turn tricks/Eat Trix
Warning: Your gay or lesbian friend may vary

Species 4: The Sexually Repressed

Synonym: Three-balled tomcat, The Horny Toad, Mixing Meat and Milk
Geography: MPSIMS
Habits: Hitting on others, sucking up, using lots of smilies
Mating Call: Keywords sex/fetish/GUND/porn/adult/bra/breast/cock
Sample threads: “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but is your name Gretchen?”; “Which cartoon character would you like to stick with your stiffy?”
Advantages: Interesting viewpoints, may be entertaining
Disadvantages: Monopolize chat, May become smug after sex
Disclaimer: YOU are not in this category, okay, just the other guys

Species 5: The Mod Squad

Synonyms: Chronos, Coldfire, Czarcasm, D

[NOTE: Edited by Ed_Zotti at 19:32 PM CST or perhaps not]

Mating Call: I’m a mod.
ADVANtages: charismatic geniuses, Tantric sexual proficiency
Disadvantages: None known save finite lifespan.

Species 6: I am God’s Co-Pilot

Synonym: Old Zealot, Fine Line Between Sinner and Cinder, Soul Yeller
Geography: GD
Habits: Saving souls, turning other cheek after abuse, citing scripture
Mating Call: That IS a bible in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you
Sample thread: “Post here be you Christian or Jew or Miscellaneous”
Advantages: Tolerant, meek, easy target, uses lots of quotes
Disadvantages: Tend to post often, smug when right
Bonus: Knows all about Darwin from best friend

Species 7: The Skeptical Enquirer

Synonym: Nietzche, Niet so fast, Trollfelcher, Pit Bull
Geography: GD, Pit
Habits: Asking for cites, Siting for trolls, Trolling for dollars
Mating Call: “Do Athiests deserve respect and tasty fudge?”
Sample Thread: “Corinthians is correct on May 33”
Advantages: Use of scientific method, logical, rigorous
Disadvantages: Smug, multiply quickly, tend to shoot first
Warning: Tendency to obsessive-compulsiveness

Species 8: The Flea

Synonym: Lightweight, Stream of Consciousness, Deep Thought
Geography: omnipresent, esp. GQ, MPSIMS
Habits: Telling you they are hungry, describing breakfast
Mating Call: “Let me tell you about my poop”
Sample thread: “I pooped four times today” (12 hits)
Advantages: Untaxing, pads post count, easily avoided
Disadvantages: TMI, Intellectually unsatisfying, waste of space
Caution: Multiplying in certain regions, immune to antibiotics

Species 9: The Flipper

Synonym: I Agree, The flopper, The flapper, OTOH
Geography: GD, IMHO, Pit
Habits: Agreeing with vigour, backtracking, fence-sitting
Mating Call: “Can’t we all just get along?”
Sample thread: “What type of toothbrush should I buy?”
Advantages: Flexibility. Polite. May be entertaining.
Disadvantages: Flexibility does not involve sex. Spineless.

Species 10: The Juicer

Synonym: Bearbaiter, You Suck, Young Hitler, The basher, Cap’n Tact
Geography: Pit, but often found elsewhere
Habits; Cheap attempt to bait nationality, sex, weight, etc.
Mating call: “Many of my best friends”
Sample thread: “Are you a fat, circumcised WASP bastard?”
Advantages: Easy target, enthusiastic responses, gets juices flowing
Disadvantages: Short life expectancy, juices not related to sex
Warning: Is reading this thread as we speak.

Species 11: Wild Women Out of Control

Synonym: Silver Fire, Wyldelf, Wyldelf Wannabe, Cougar
Geography: omnipresent, Chat
Habits: Flirting, Licking wounds, Speaking in tongues
Mating call: “Charm me out of my panties”
Sample thread: “You can ring my bell”
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; less fun than barrel of hot monkey sex
Bonus: Send your picture to e-mail address below!

Species 12: The Schizoid

Synonym: Strange Brew, Builds Odd Things in the Wee Hours
Geography: GQ, MPSIMS
Habits: Saying mainstream things suck, playing electric digiridoo
Mating call: “Does anyone else do this?”
Sample thread: “Militia are saving you from yourself”
Advantages: Entertaining, often informative
Disadvantages: Can be very, very disturbing.
Bonus: Easily baited, may be sexually repressed in disguise

Species 13: The Powderkeg

Synonym: Overreaction, Are you talking to me?, Whine and cheese
Geography: GD, Pit
Habits: Taking things personally. Angry invective.
Mating call: “You fucking fucker”
Sample thread: “Dear Cecil, Dr_Pap hit me.”
Advantages: Angry invective. Doesn’t use smilies.
Disadvantages: Novelty short lived. Passive-aggressive. Can’t let go.
Bonus: Easily baited and swooshed.

Species 14: The Genius

Synonym: Old Know It All, I am not a modern major-general, Wonker
Geography: omnipresent
Habits: Giving answers. Avoiding questions.
Mating call: “Few share my knowledge of Babylonian chamber pots”
Sample thread: “I had a hemorrhoid once”
Advantages: Easy target, lack of insight
Disadvantages: Often right, insufferable.
Warning: This category does not include you.

Species 15: The Cecil

Synonym: Cece-o-rama, Cecil Adams, Grand Panjandrum, Ol’ Stinky
Geography: Feared extinct
Habits: Calling NASA, calling bluffs, culling morons
Mating call: “Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Dammit, Mrs. Adams, what did I tell you about sneaking up on me like that?”
Sample thread: Usually a guest!
Advantages: Pathognomic. Cult status gives discount at White Castle.
Disadvantages: Uses wealth from book purchases to control zinc prices
Caution: Will not tell you the four common words that end in “grE”

Species 16: The Professional

Synonym: Scumsucker, Fat Cat, Quackster, Skippy
Geography: GQ
Habits: Diatribes. Pointed comments. Trollbashing.
Mating call: “I can prescribe anything I want to!”
Sample thread: “Exploring your inner wellnessness”
Advantages: Can understand many discussions, may use cites
Disadvantages: Does not mention which prison currently residing in
Warning: If symptoms persist, blame someone else

Species 17: Performance Artist

Synonym: The Genius, Storyteller, Fun With Beef
Geography: IMHO, MPSIMS
Habits: Starting story threads involving 3 people, Mime, Clowncraft
Mating call: “This time, there are no limits”
Sample thread: “Haiku about my ennui with the world”
Advantages: Overeducated, good use of quotes and obscure references
Disadvantages: Tendency to bump own threads

Species 18: Sweetness and Light

Synonym: The Nursemaid, The Smilie, {{{{{{{}}}}}}}
Geography: MPSIMS
Habit: Giving hugs, giving support, giving unrealistic advice
Mating call: I just want to cuddle
Sample thread: “I’m so depressed I’d eat at Arby’s”
Advantages: compassionate, genuine, use of smilies
Disadvantages: may induce hyperglycemia, watches daytime TV

Species 19: The Puppet

Synonym: Illuminatus, Trilat, Peace II: Electric Boogaloo
Geography: Omnipresent
Habit: Controlling world zinc prices, Sucking up to ant overlords
Mating call: “Some of my best friends”
Sample thread: “So what if my post count is 3?”
Advantages: gives trollfelchers sport
Disadvantages: gives mods ulcers

Species 20: Class Clown

Synonym: Punster, Joke-n-Poke, Whopper
Geography: MPSIMS, Pit
Habit: Collecting jokes off the internet
Mating call: “Pull my finger”
Sample thread: “Give me a punchline”
Advantages: Often very funny, may cause spittage on screen
Disadvantages: Knows many jokes and will tell them. Uses Simpson’s references at every opportunity. Doh!

So add to this list if you wish. Send flame mail to the pit, please, punk!

Species 21: The Newbie
Synonym: Firstname Lastname
Geography: Any Forum, usually MPSIMS
Habits: Viewing 90 threads, posting in two of them
Mating Call: “Have you seen this great message board at http://www.straightdope.com?”
Sample Thread: “How do I put Smilies in my posts?”
Advantages: May develop into Scylla or Eve, doesn’t overload each post with inscrutable signatures
Disadvantages: May develop into CompleteMoron, doesn’t get ‘felching’ references
Caution: This one may use inappropriate language in non-Pit threads.

I actually recognize some of the first 20! These are pretty funny, Dr. Paprika.

Hmmm. I’m about 9 of those.

Which is another reason why I chose the name of a kind and beautiful nymph turned evil monster, a monster with 9 heads.
Dude, Don’t try to like label me and stick me in you’re box, Maaan!


Thanks for the compliment (you might want to watch it though, I’m pretty much persona au gratin right now) :wink:

Scylla, I had no idea that you were a sexually repressed, homosexual, bible-thumping skeptic, flip-flopping, schizoid powderkeg, puppet woman out of control when I started this thread.

My apologies. :slight_smile:

As long as we’re clear.

By your definitions, I see myself as largely a #2, with a touch of #'s 1 and 13 tossed in for variety.

Species 22: The Drama Queen

Synonyms: The Paranoid, The Center of the Universe
Geography: MPSIMS, The Pit, IMHO
Habits: Taking things personally. Assuming that every post is a veiled insult.
Mating Call: “I’m leaving and I’m never coming back!”
Sample Thread: “To everyone on the board who hates me:”
Advantages: Often gets involved in entertaining flame-wars
Disadvantages: Often gets involved in disgusting flame wars
Note: I bet you think I’m talking about you.

Species 22: The Labelist.

Synonym: Pigeon Holer, branding iron, Judge Judy
Geography: omnipresent
Habits: Classifying and sorting people. Stereotyping.
Mating call: “I know you are - but what am I?”
Sample thread: “What genre of Doper are YOU?”
Advantages: Often ignored, lack of tact.
Disadvantages: Often funny, obsessed with the word** “smug”**.
Warning: May incite pit threads with potentially offensive comments.

Species 22c: The Highlighter

Synonyms: Me me me. Yellow Pen. Cut n’ Paste, Egotist
Geography: MPSIMS
Habits: Does archive search for name before reading boards
Mating call: If you were always right and had sex all the time, you’d become me
Sample thread: Only replies to threads containing words similar to moniker
Advantages: This means doesn’t reply to most threads
Disadvantages: Snide remarks deeply wounding and making me all misty eyed and stuff. Multiplies quickly.
Caution: Will become a movie reviewer or include an edited version of this thread on his resume, something like: “And for my third reference, Dr_Paprika M.D. says that ‘smug… is… better… than… sex’” Lies! O mores! O tempora!

Mmmmm a monster and covered with cheesy goodness? What more could you ask for? Let me tell you about the time I played a cheesy monster in my high school play… . . Which leads me to

Species #23: The Hijacker

Synonym: Hijack, OT
Geography: omnipresent
Habits: Starts every response with a

Mating call: Well, that reminds me of the time I. . .
Sample thread: None, Never starts a thread on their own.
Advantages: Doesn’t bump your thread off the page by creating a new thread.
Disadvantages: Turns every thread into a double entendre Warning: Probably coming to a thread near you soon.

Species 24: The NonPreviewer
Synonyms:All bold,all italic,all jumbled up mess poster
Geography: All forums
Habits: In much too big of a damn hurry a lot of the time.
Mating call: Damn Smilies, Damn VB code
Sample thread: See above
Advantages: Serves as a bad example.
Disadvantages: Looks like an idiot
Caution: If it hasn’t happened to you, it will soon enough. The Law of Averages insures it.

brill, doc, simply brill.

the doc is my fave poster.

i dont care who knows it.

i dont really know which kind of poster i am, but if i were forced to take a pick, id have to go with species 23, which reminds me of the time i had hot monkey sex jungle fuck a gogo style in studio 54 with two homeless drug addicts blah blah blah…

Green Bean said:

Dammit, Green Bean, don’t do that to me when I have a full mouth!

Doc Pap, (may I call you that?)

You are so at the top of my Christmas list with this thread. I’ll calmly apply for an even baker’s dozen of the above classifications. (You heard it here first!)

I will now have to stalk your threads with an increased vigor. [Threat, not promise.]


You are a welcome influx at these boards. Keyword = flux (as in “What the flux”). I will now finish wiping off my monitor and while I’m at it kindly ask you for a character profile. The one you did for Scylla was spot on and hilarious.


[Bugs Bunny]

You realize that this means war?

[/Bugs Bunny]

I may just have to create a SDMB Taxonomy Thread in your “honor”. Tape at eleven.

I must be missing all the good jokes today.

Do you mean

That’s ludicrous. I don’t own any flip-flops, or even sandals.

Species 9: The Flipper

Synonym: I Agree, The flopper, The flapper, OTOH
Geography: GD, IMHO, Pit
Habits: Agreeing with vigour, backtracking, fence-sitting
Mating Call: “Can’t we all just get along?”
Sample thread: “What type of toothbrush should I buy?”
Advantages: Flexibility. Polite. May be entertaining.
Disadvantages: Flexibility does not involve sex. Spineless.

This fits me, mostly, but none of them really completely describe me. I also have an annoying habit of making really short (padding) posts.


I’d go with a sexually repressed, juice-oozing, class clown, perormance artist, professional genius powderkeg. I’m bumping this thread as we speak!

Guess I’m also a labelling, hijacking non-previewer.

The fun should begin with this thread when I ask other Dopers to classify other Dopers in the Pit. :slight_smile:

You may call me Doc Pap if you wish. However, you should know I’m jealous of Scylla and his cheese and also hope to be persona au gratin. Paprika grates. (“stolen from inor” – isn’t that a British discount chain?)