bad idea pregnancies

In My Humble Opinion
1

I wasn’t sure if this should go here or MPSIMS but here goes. I honestly don’t understand why it is that people are so happy when a woman/girl gets pregnant at a really bad time. She can be unemployed and unmarried but the reaction is the same as if she were actually ready to be able take proper care of a baby. She could be a teen who is looking at a good chance at ruining her life, but same reaction. How the girl/woman feels about being pregnant doesn’t seem to affect the reaction.

Is it that they are just blinded by how they feel about babies? Or living in a fantasy land that it will somehow all work out? Or?

2

People say “congratulations” and pretend to be happy for pregnant people in bad circumstances because it’s bad form to tell people that you’re not very, VERY close to that you think this is a terrible idea, and even with people you’re very, VERY close to you only get to say that once. After that you accept their decision and support them, because that what human type people with empathy and affection do.

3

Or your bias is showing and lots and lots of people react by being concerned/worried/fearful/by objecting/by offering help if the woman wants to abort or adopt, etc.

People, in general, like babies, so there’s often an element of that, but if having a baby will ruin her life, most people I know would - HAVE, actually - told the woman that fact (or their opinion on it) (ETA: if they are close to the woman in question)
Alternatively: what’s obviously a bad time for some people isn’t a bad time for others, or they are unaware of a bunch of factors and they generally simply like babies enough to assume that it’s a positive event, because most of the time it is.

4

Since I lack social skills, I’ll say it. Because people are too whimpy to say what everyone else is thinking and that somehow etiquette trumps reality. I love how quickly prolifers change their tune when asked if they will adopt a teen mom and her child. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with engaging someone in a reality check/think-it-through conversation. That said, you can always support an individual without supporting his/her choices. But then again, I tend to be blunt. Now, back to my finger bowl and updating my profile in the social register.

5

When someone announces that they are pregnant, I usually ask if congratulations are in order. A couple of years ago, one of my part time clerks burst into tears because she didn’t want to be pregnant and I was the only one who didn’t spew rainbows and unicorns over an unwanted problem.

6

That’s a good way to address it–I actually wonder if I could adapt that to other awkward info, as our own values and biases churn up in these situations. Hmmm. On another note spewing rainbows and unicorns is probably really pretty. :stuck_out_tongue:

7

An alternate wording that I’ve heard is, “And how are you feeling about it?” It lets the woman know that you’re open to hearing that it’s not welcome news, plus lets happy-but-stressed women know that you don’t expect they’ll be glowing and serene.

8

This happened to me recently. One of my best friends, who had already had an “oops” child while in high school, admitted once that if she’d had a choice, she wouldn’t have had any kids, and certainly didn’t want any now.

Then she met her true love and got pregnant. The way she found out is that she went for an IUD and blood tests said basically “too late”. I think she miscarried that one because the post on facebook vanished soon after.

But she’s pregnant again now, and we’re well over the age of 30, when it becomes unsafe to have healthy children. And she’s ecstatic. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I said nothing. I guess people can change, but sheesh, she’s 40, and unemployed. She’s living with the guy and will marry him soon; apparently he can afford it with her lying around being bored (she actually said that).

9

This is great – I’m going to have to remember that one. I tend to say “Congratulations!” for lack of anything better to say, even if I know perfectly well it’s not a child that they really wanted, or (in at least one case) that they don’t really have the resources to deal with.

(It’s also a culture thing – in my religious culture it’s sort of assumed that children are desired no matter the situation.)

10

Because if a woman doesn’t plan to have her baby, she wouldn’t be announcing it to *anyone. *She’d just tell her mom or best friend or boyfriend (or no one) and go get an abortion. And, given that she plans to have the baby (which you know, because she announced it to you), it’s unspeakably rude to tell her (or even imply) you think she should get an abortion (in civilized conversation, at least).

The only exception to this is like, Octomom. Because everyone on the planet can agree that bitch doesn’t need to be pushing anything else out of her vagina.

11

This is the way I see it. If somebody tells me they’re pregnant, I’m going to assume they’re reasonably happy with the situation unless they’re specifically telling me it’s a problem. And it they’re happy, then it’s not my place to judge the situation.

12

I’m pretty sure the world doesn’t need any more Duggars, either…

However, I do think that people tell people things in an effort to work through their thoughts or to be talked out of something.

13

Adopt a teenage mom? :confused: How many teen mothers are up for adoption?

14

The vast majority of women who get pregnant after 30 have perfectly healthy children. A healthy child is *never *a guarantee.

15

Unless you know the girl very well, you can’t be sure about her life at all. My mother had me as a 19 year old waitress who was dating a charming ne’er-do-well from the local reform school. Disaster, right? Except she had a great family support system, was a wonderful mom who just adored parenting, loved being young enough to keep up with me, and generally just did a great job of it. She struggled at times, sure, but having a kid also gave her new focus and she slowly built up a nice career for herself. When I moved out, she was only 37 and still young enough to make up for all the travel and partying and whatever that she missed as a youngster. She met the man of her dreams and is looking forward to an early retirement in a few years. Not a “ruined” life at all, and not a “beat all odds” thing either. She’s been having a pretty normal life, except she had a kid pretty young. It’s not hollywood glamour and she didn’t win the Nobel prize. But she’s happy, has a great daughter, and has made good for herself.

Heck, sometimes I wish I had a kid that young. I would have had a great support system, and would be almost done with my parenting duties. Now I’m sitting here at 32, realizing that even if I do have a kid in the next year, i’m going to be parenting until I’m fifty, and I’ll probably be doing a lot of it without a ton of family support.

Children do not need much. They need calories that cost literally a few bucks a day if you plan it. They need a roof over their head (which presumably you have of your own and can share.) They need some clothes, which are not exactly the rarest jewels. They need health care, which I admit is a pain in the ass in the US. We’d like them to have a nice room and a good school and nice things, but really those are extras. 99.9999999% of humanity lived happy, meaningful lives without separate bedrooms for each sibling and SUVs because we have kids and special chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs. Our own parents and grandparents didn’t have that stuff. My mom complains now about the three bedroom house she shares with her boyfriend and his son, but she grew up in a house half that size and three siblings. Indeed, it’s only in the last few decades that “teen parent” has been anything unusual. Most humans in history have been born to mothers that first gave birth as teens.

Anyway, the point her is that what makes a good parent is love and a minimum of security (no active addictions, relatively few low-food periods, etc.) A child raised with this stands a good chance of living a happy, fulfilling, contributing life, regardless of their circumstances. A child raised without that will have troubles, even if their parents seem like the most upright and well-off people in the world. Plenty of middle class, stable families harbor their own secrets.

16

For one thing, women typically don’t announce pregnancies to the world unless they have decided they want to keep the child and are therefore in some sense happy about it. Most people are not assholes, and therefore they would prefer to support someone in their happiness rather than trying to make someone else feel crappy.

If someone has decided they want to have a baby, really, what’s it to you? Who are you to judge her choice? She has to live with the consequences of the decision, not you. If you think of yourself as “pro-choice” it would be extremely hypocritical not to support her CHOICE to have a child.*
Even though you may think you’re “helping” by giving your opinion, you really have no way to predict how things will turn out and it is quite possible that putting pressure on someone to have an abortion or place the kid for adoption could end up causing harm.

It’s quite possible that the woman is aware her situation isn’t ideal but has looked at all the pros and cons and has decided that having the baby is making the best out of a less than ideal situation. It’s really quite condescending to assume that you know better than the woman in the situation about what she should do. Perhaps if you were in her shoes you would see it differently.

If you’re worried about what will happen to the woman or her child, well, why don’t you pitch in and try to help them be successful instead of criticizing her decision to have the child?

(*I’m a pro-lifer, myself, yet I support women’s right to make choices on pretty much everything other than abortion. I am no more “anti-choice” than anyone who would criticize a woman’s choice to have a baby).

17

Oh dear. I really really wish you hadn’t said that lavenderviolet. :smiley:

18

Actually, unless you’re under the mistaken impression that criticizing someone’s choice is the same as not allowing them to make that choice, you are.

And now, having given the obligatory reminder that words mean things, I shall cease this hijack.

19

These aren’t the people I’m talking about, its the ones that get extremely excited about the upcoming baby no matter what the circumstances or what the expectant mother appears to think about it. Like flatlined says, everyone spews rainbows and unicorns even if the pregnant one doesn’t seem all that happy about the situation, or even if it is quite obvious that a baby right now is not a good idea. I get the automatic congrats thing, what I wonder about are those who ignore all of the warning signs and just pretend that each and every pregnancy must be sunshine and bunnies. Are they not at all concerned about the affect on the woman, how the baby will be raised, etc? Is it just the fact of the pregnancy that excites them?

I’m not sure that’s true. I have seen situations where the woman apparently isn’t sure about the whole thing and it looks like she is looking for opinions/reactions. If it’s her first, maybe she’s looking for opinions on whether or not she should go thru with it/can handle it/can afford it. Not to mention the teens who hide their pregnancy as long as they can because they don’t know how or can’t get an abortion.

Of course. But that doesn’t mean one should immediately start planning baby showers, buying name books, etc.

Given her situation, she shouldn’t have had the kids she has. Yet that is a great example of what I’m wondering about. There were scads of people that supported and applauded her decision to create and have that litter even tho it’s obvious that she cannot properly care for them, or even the children she had prior to the eight. Do they just not care what happens to the kids after they are born, or after they are no longer little babies, or what?

There’s another great example - can those kids possible have a normal life? Yet every one of her 19? pregnancies has been celebrated by many people.

20

It’s getting two-for-one and some people can’t resist a bargain.