What old-fashioned name should I use for this purpose?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I publish a company newsletter. It has been printed on paper for many years, but will soon be delivered electronically via email. Few people know about the change; most will learn of it when they receive and open the next issue from their inbox.

On page one I plan on putting in a text box, in a large goofy font:

Q: HEY! WHERE IS MY PAPER COPY?!?

A: Welcome to the 21st century, (name)! (followed by a save-the-trees/efficiency explanation of the many advantages of this sort of distribution).

I am stuck, though, as how to fill in the (name) part. I’m thinking something along the lines of Gertrude or Nellie, but I am thinking there is a better choice that I am missing.

I obviously want to connote that the person questioning the move is behind the times, a luddite, maybe someone whose mind is still in the stone age.

Anyway, I think you get the idea. Any suggestions?

Thanks!

mmm

2

If I get your main point, I would suggest using whatever name you have currently and modifying it to sound more “with it” than the old name.

For instance, if you’d been calling it “Flambert’s Doings” you could try “Flambert Tweets Another One” or something along those lines.

Well, you did ask for ideas! :wink:

3

I’d go Amish. Jedediah or something.

4

I’m going to second Flambert, because that’s just great.

A couple others: Clyde, Milburn, Elmer.
If you want female: Esther, Minnie, Agnes, Mavis.

5

Just make sure it’s not someone’s real name on your distribution list!
Archibald or Agatha

6

Right you are! For assistance there, check the recent thread on “Given Names: What Were They Thinking?”

7

Prudence.

8

I would be less than amused to be insulted by a company newsletter. Particularly one that is changing formats and seems overly proud of itself for doing so.

That said, if you insist on going forward with what I consider a bad idea, maybe Methuselah, or Rip Van Winkle.

9

Captain America.

10

Phineas. No question.

11

McFly.

12

“Welcome to the 21st century, Stoneage McLuddite!” Bonus: Nobody on your mailing list will be insulted by you using their actual name.

13

Are you serious?

Does anyone else feel this way?
mmm

14

Poll created to gauge offensiveness.
mmm

15

I replied in your poll, but I’ll say it here, too. If you do this, don’t use any name. Any name you put in makes the statement more denigrating. Just use “Welcome to the 21st century!”.

16

Well, it’s not a “pistols at dawn” level offense, but I do find it mildly insulting. Pretty much any of the names suggested could be replaced with “Dumbass” while still conveying the same sentiment, and I suspect some might read it that way.

17

Hmmm…based on the (early) poll results, I am definitely re-considering going this route.

Thanks for pointing it out, Oakminster.
mmm

18

If you still want old-timey names, I asked a similar question once and got a few hundred old-fashioned names.

19

Some old biblical name perhaps, like Ezekiel or Hezekiah.

20

I have to say that this is what real adult-level dialogue looks like.
Kudos to everyone for such a useful exchange!