Favorite Quote-Idiot Tube Division

[Czarcasm]

Let's try to avoid long lists, and just post your single favorite television quote, o.k.?
I was going to go with my favorite babylon 5 Vir quote...but deep down, I know that my favorite tv quote of all time harkens all the way back to the very first episode of WKRP In Cincinnati:

Originally Posted by Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!

[Rollo Tomasi]

The sadly short-lived drama Life with Damian Lewis had lots of great dialogue, but one line is undoubtedly my favorite. Lewis's character is a rich cop (for complicated reasons), and his partner asks him why he's even working for a living when he could be lying on a beach somewhere. His response:

"Do I look like I tan?"

Of course, you have to know what Damian Lewis looks like for the joke to work: http://www.washingtonpost.com/rf/ima...EeG2y49ABpj5fA

[DCnDC]

"To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems."

[lost4life]

Originally Posted by Czarcasm

Let's try to avoid long lists, and just post your single favorite television quote, o.k.?
I was going to go with my favorite babylon 5 Vir quote...but deep down, I know that my favorite tv quote of all time harkens all the way back to the very first episode of WKRP In Cincinnati:

Not to be snarky, but that wasn't on the first episode, although it was in the first season.

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by lost4life

Not to be snarky, but that wasn't on the first episode, although it was in the first season.

As Ed McMahon said to Karnak The Magnificent

You are correct, sir!

[blondebear]

There are a million things in this universe you can have and a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are.

[cochrane]

My favorite one is from Abe "Grampa" Simpson, although it's probably not that well-known.

"Marge, you wouldn't know how to have fun if you were a monkey on a banana boat."

[Oakminster]

Dammit, Czarcasm your limit of one quote per customer forces me to choose among many great ones from Babylon 5. I'm going to go with:

Delenn: Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by Oakminster

Dammit, Czarcasm your limit of one quote per customer forces me to choose among many great ones from Babylon 5. I'm going to go with:

Delenn: Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.

I'll bet you a 22 ounce bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale we had pretty much the same list of B5 quotes.

[Oakminster]

Originally Posted by Czarcasm

I'll bet you a 22 ounce bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale we had pretty much the same list of B5 quotes.

I'll drink to that.

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by Oakminster

I'll drink to that.

Here's hoping that when(not if) someone gives that Vir quote, they provide a You Tube link.

[Accidental Martyr]

Originally Posted by Czarcasm

Let's try to avoid long lists, and just post your single favorite television quote, o.k.?
I was going to go with my favorite babylon 5 Vir quote...but deep down, I know that my favorite tv quote of all time harkens all the way back to the very first episode of WKRP In Cincinnati:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur "Big Guy" Carlson
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!
________________________________________

The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement!

[Shodan]

Originally Posted by Latka Gravis, on Taxi

We believe that meaningless ritual, and mindless superstition, are all that separate us from the animals.

So true.

Regards,
Shodan

[Bayard]

Quoting from memory, and probably screwing it up...

It's in the episode of Cheers where John Cleese appears as Frasier's friend/rival. Cleese is giving a pre-marital counselling session to Sam and Diane. After Cleese says some smart thing, Diane says, "You are the wisest man I have ever met."

Cleese replies, "High praise indeed."

The Cleesian delivery of that is just awesome.

[Roadfood]

I was going to post the Vir quote, but I think I have to go with one of my favorites from non-fiction TV. James Burke said this on some episode of "The Day the Universe Changed":

"Certainty is a prison, because, when you're certain, you're also quite possibly blind."

[Folacin]

Our friend Vir, with the denouement.

[baka420]

"Ya don't win friends with salad"

[Ethilrist]

Star Trek: The Old Stuff, the Naked Now. Sulu has just leaped between Uhura and a couple of molesters, foil in hand, sans shirt...

Sulu: I shall save you, fair maiden!
Uhura: Neither, actually. (runs away)

Bear in mind this was what, 1968?

[terentii]

Thurston Howell III on "Gilligan's Island," when the castaways think the island is sinking:

"Quick, Lovey. Let's see if we can't think of a way we can 'take it with us!'"

[terentii]

Originally Posted by Ethilrist

Star Trek: The Old Stuff, the Naked Now. Sulu has just leaped between Uhura and a couple of molesters, foil in hand, sans shirt...

Sulu: I shall save you, fair maiden!
Uhura: Neither, actually. (runs away)

Bear in mind this was what, 1968?

1966, one of the first episodes aired. I believe their exact words were "Aha, fair maiden!"/"Sorry, neither!"

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by Basil Fawlty

Don't mention the war!

..

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by blondebear

There are a million things in this universe you can have and a million things you can't have. It's no fun facing that, but that's the way things are.

From...?

[hogarth]

If we can just hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Jackpot!

-Zapp Brannigan, Futurama

[edwards_beard]

Just like you man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. It's all in the game though, right?

Omar

[Soylent Juicy]

A sketch on now-defunct comedy show called "The Newz":

Black cat: "I will use all of my nine lives to kill you. I will play with your intestines like a ball of string and use your spine as a scratching post."

[terentii]

Originally Posted by Czarcasm

From...?

One of the first STAR TREK episodes, "Charlie X." Captain Kirk is telling young Charles Evans that Yeoman Janice Rand isn't the right girl for him.

[MyFootsZZZ]

The X-Files:

"Then there are those who care not about extraterrestrials, searching for meaning in other human beings. Rare or lucky are those who find it. For although we may not be alone in the universe, in our own separate ways on this planet, we are all...alone"

[divemaster]

I've got a whole file of Fishisms (from Ally McBeal). So hard to pick just one! How about:

"Helping people is never more rewarding than when it’s in your own self-interest."

And this exchange kills me every time:

(Fish) I make a great living, good friends, my own firm by the age of 30. But…life, I want more, John.
(Cage) More?
(Fish) Money. More money. I know it’s a weakness and I’ve actually been trying to think less about wealth and instead focus on the…things I can buy with it. Sometimes when I look at my portfolio, I get aroused.

[terentii]

If I may, let me post my second favorite quote in light of the above:

Lovey Howell, when the Professor tells her money cannot buy happiness:

"Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop!"

[Dendarii Dame]

"Are you coming on to me? I'm not hearing a no!" Zoidberg, to President Truman on Futurama. Context is everything.

Or, if context isn't everything: "Well, I don't know what a supernova is, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky!" Fry, on Futurama.

[silenus]

"The Earth is doomed." - Rupert Giles

The full exchange:

Buffy Summers: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school.
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
Willow Rosenberg: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
Buffy Summers: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying.
Giles: The Earth is doomed.

[Yaxche]

There are hundreds from this guy, his character had some of the best TV dialogue ever written, in my opinion. I'll go with this one, though, because it's been that kind of week.

In life you have to do a lot of things you don’t fucking want to do. Many times, that’s what the fuck life is… one vile fucking task after another.

- Al Swearengen, Deadwood

[digs]

Originally Posted by Czarcasm

As Ed McMahon said to Karnak The Magnificent: You are correct, sir!

Boy, talk show hosts say really ordinary things, but their delivery inflates them with The Helium That Is Humor.
If you just listed Catchphrases of Talk Show Hosts, they wouldn't be funny at all.

See?:
I did not know that... (Johnny)
I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock! A monkey... on... a rock. (Dave)
Here it is, your moment of Zen. (Jon)
...for me to poop on! (Conan, kind of)
It's a great day in America! (Craig)

But my one line that I still use with my children and students:

"I kid you not." (Jack Paar)

[Wargamer]

From the Jaynestown episode of Firefly, just after the group has seen the statue to Jayne:

Simon Tam: 'This must be what it feels like to be crazy.'

[Son of a Rich]

Although I hated Mash, I sometimes use the Hawkeye line: "Never let it be said that I didn't do the least I could do".

[Boyo Jim]

Too many Zapp Brannigans to post them all, but one of my favorites:

Men, you're lucky men. Soon, you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be put through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

[Gangster Octopus]

Lana: What, are you just hitting random keys?
Archer: Well, obviously!

[KneadToKnow]

"You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation."

The X-Files, episode 3.04 "Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose"

Originally Posted by Wargamer

Simon Tam: 'This must be what it feels like to be crazy.'

Nitpick: "This must be what going mad feels like." Cite

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally Posted by Czarcasm

I was going to go with my favorite babylon 5 Vir quote...but deep down, I know that my favorite tv quote of all time harkens all the way back to the very first episode of WKRP In Cincinnati:

The turkeys episode was actually the seventh, not the first.

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by Bryan Ekers

The turkeys episode was actually the seventh, not the first.

Acknowledged.

[BrotherCadfael]

"Yes, let's not jump to conclusions."
"I didn't jump! I took a tiny little step, and there conclusions were."

[Roderick Femm]

The one TV moment for me was from back in the 70's, from All in the Family. I'll probably not get it exactly right, it's been a long time.

It was several seasons in, and we had had years of bickering about Viet Nam between Archie and Meathead. The war was officially over by the time of this episode.

In this particular episode, an old friend of Archie's was visiting; this friend had lost his only son in the war. Also, unexpectedly, an old friend of Mike's was visiting; he was a draft dodger who had gone to Canada, and who was back in the States secretly.

They're all having dinner (it's Christmas Eve, 1976), when the secret of the draft dodger comes out. Archie gets upset, and Mike starts yammering at him again about how wrong the war was. Archie explodes:

"I ain't talkin' about that war! I don't want to talk about that goddamn war no more! I'm talkin' about somethin' else! And what he done was wrong!"

Hearing him swear on network TV, and the way this man who was always a buffoon suddenly became majestic in his anger, burned this in my memory. Although the comments say they made him overdub without the actual swearing, but I was sure I remembered it. Maybe I was only reading his lips.

I found it on YouTube, of course; here it is, the fireworks start at about 18:00.


Roddy

[ioioio]

My current favorite is from The Big Bang Theory.
"Women. Can't live with 'em, can't successfully refute their hypotheses."

Out of respect for Czarcasm, I will refrain from posting a long list of quotes from Fawlty Towers.

[jsgoddess]

Also from "Life." Charlie and Dani are on a stakeout (or at least they are in the car) and Charlie, like always, starts talking. This time, about reincarnation:

"I'd like to come back as a giant Flemish rabbit. 15 pounds of pure bunny."

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

God don't make no mistakes. That's how he got to be God!" - Archie Bunker


mmm

[ftg]

Another Simpsons quoter here.

Homer: "Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

[terentii]

Originally Posted by laina_f

My current favorite is from The Big Bang Theory.
"Women. Can't live with 'em, can't successfully refute their hypotheses."

I prefer Norm Peterson's line on "Cheers!":

"Women! Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts, Woody!"

An entire thread could be devoted to "Cheers!" quotes.

[Mister Rik]

My all-time favorite is from the brilliant Herman's Head, a short-lived FOX sitcom from the early 1990s:

Hedy: Herman, do think this skirt is too tight?

Herman: Not if you've been shot in the ass and you're trying to stop the bleeding.

Originally Posted by laina_f

My current favorite is from The Big Bang Theory.
"Women. Can't live with 'em, can't successfully refute their hypotheses."

I liked Vork's version in The Guild:

(delivered in a wonderful deadpan) "Women. Can't live with them ... and they won't go out with me."

[Gatopescado]

I came here to post my favorite TV quote, and it was right there in the damn OP!

[furryman]

Favorite Non-sequitur (Twin Peaks):
"The Owls are not what they seem"