Saw a Beverly Hillbillies episode the other day (the first I’d seen in years) and was reminded of how clever some of the writing on that show was.
Scene: The Clampetts are in an upscale jewelry store…
Granny: Them red diamonds shore are purty.
Jeweler: Madam, those are rubies.
Granny: Ruby’s, eh? Ask her if she wants to sell 'em.
Jeweler: ahem The ruby I refer to is not a lady.
Granny: How she got 'em is her bizness. I just wanna know if she wants to sell 'em.
More, please.
There was an episode of the Brady Bunch where Bobby pushed Peter out of the way of a falling ladder. At the dinner table, Peter was talking rapturously about “how precious life is”. Greg said, “Oh yeah…Without life, you’re dead!” He was the only one in the scene who laughed, but I thought it was funny. It was, IIRC, the only time that show mixed profundity and smartass humor.
The first line I thought of when I saw the thread title is from WKRP in Cincinnati:
Mr. Carlson: “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”
This is from the George Burns & Gracie Allen show; I’m paraphrasing from memory. Gracie was talking about a friend of hers: “She was angry at her husband because he said that her legs didn’t match Greta Garbo’s and I told her, honey, the joke’s on him. Your legs don’t match each other…”
Gracie could tell lines like this with such a wonderful innocent sincerity, as though she honestly had no clue the things she said were so hateful. George was a pretty funny guy too.
This one gets my vote.
WKRP in Cincinatti is, in my oh-so-humble opinion, one of the finest shows ever produced. I had SUCH a crush on Bailey.
Anyway, the line I remember most was Dr. Johnny Fever’s: “You ever really get into your hand?”
As a child, I watched Batman, with Adam West. One episode, with Mr. Freeze, the dynamic duo ask a lovely girl/ice skater why she would do evil with this bad guy. Her reply influenced my life from that moment on.
“To each his own, said the lady when she kissed her cow”.
Vitameatavegamin. 'Nuff said.
An old episode of MAS*H when the psychologist, Sidney, comes into the tent and comments on Major Winchester’s unlikely messiness to which the Major replies:
Charles: “This is the real me!”
Sideny: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
Gets me every time.
Rob, Buddy and Sally trying to figure out a skit:
“Why would a scientist want to go to the center of the earth?”
Laura: “To find out whether it’s chewy or cream-filled.”
From All in the Family:
Mike: “You know, Arch, little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out.”
Archie (slight pause): “I don’t care.”
When I read the OP I immediately thought of “Happy birthday Mrs. Mertz, and I hope you live another seventy five years!”
Hehe, “The Jeffersons.”
Lionel has published in a newsletter at work that George went to Harvard and graduated cum laude (because he’s ashamed his father never went to college).
George: I don’t even know what cum laude is.
Louise: I think it means “with honors.”
George: See? That’s how dumb I am. I thought cum laude is what they sing at church. [Pronounced “Come Lordy”…] Hehe, you really had to be there.
And in another episode…
Tom: What’re you getting so upset for? Its just crazy old George!
MASH episode.
Major Burns speaks to Trapper John.
BURNS: What I don’t understand is why people instantly dislike me.
TRAPPER JOHN: It saves time, Frank.
BTW, The turkey line from WKRP is by far the king of them all.
Redd Foxx was a genius. Sanford & Son holds up regardless of when you see it.
This line comes from a show I can only assume was from 1976. Fred is, as usual, being berated by Aunt Esther. His reply is priceless.
Fred: “Why don’t you go celebrate the bicentennial? Bison.”
Still kills me.
Another WKRP line that slays me every time:
Johnny and Venus are doing an on-air drinking test to show the effects of drinking and driving. During the test, the DJ’s reaction time is recorded as they drink a little more between each test. Unfortunately, the more Johnny drinks, the faster he gets. The patrolman is getting angry, and as Johnny records his fastest reaction time yet, the blitzed Venus yells: “Forget the Olympics, Johnny. Go Pro.” I still laugh at that.
Ok, so I’m weird. To me, this episode even beats the turkey episode.
Oh yeah, the old Batman series has some of the best double entendres and hidden jokes I’ve ever seen.
My favorite is when The Seamstress has caught Batman, Robin, and Batgirl in her lair, and tied their arms and limbs together into one big Human Knot of Death. As they struggle to free themselves, Batman says:
“Batgirl, if you could wiggle your left foot, it would relieve some tension in Robin’s upper thigh.”
Brilliant!
I’ve always loved the line from Batman:
“That’s all water over the . . . . . embankment, Robin.” (After all, Batman would never say “dam.” 
)
My favorite Gracie Allen line was when the elevator arrived:
Elevator boy: Up?
Gracie (pointing): It’s that way.
Taxi.
Jim the hippie is taking his taxi-drivers test.
He looks over to the guys and asks “What does the yellow light mean?”
“slow down” they say.
“Whhaaaaaat doooooessssss theeeeeee yeeelllllowwww…”
I’ve used this line before from MASH. Charles Emerson Winchester used it in response to something Hawkeye and BJ did.
“Cretinous yahoos.”
Must be spoken slow, with distinct pronounciation.