“Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.”
From “The Incredible Hulk” comes a line that I love, and evidently the guys who did “Dogma” love it too, “Mr. McGhee, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
mash yet again. perhaps the finest character (not lead) on a sitcom, maj. frank burns.
and i quote: im only paranoid because everyones against me.
My most-often used line comes from an episode of the Transformers cartoon show (“Fire on the Mountain,” for any fellow fans out there). "Remind me to talk about your idea of ‘fun’ sometime."
Say it in a slightly sarcastic tone, and it’s a perfect response for folks who are trying to make light of a crummy situation. For some reason, I get a fairly high proportion of those…
Archie Bunker on hermaphrodites: “It’s a freak! With too much of both and not enough of neither!”
“Why you little puhnnk.”-The Transformers
“One to beam up.”-duh
The Kramden’s and Norton’s go to Bert Weidemeir’s house, and try to score points by sucking up to Bert’s airhead bride.
Something, I believe a cookie, gets dropped on the floor and the dumb blonde says "Leave it there the cat will get it!"
Which of course Ralph thinks is hilarious and repeats over and over asking Alice is she gets it until she responds wonderfully deadpan, "I get it Ralph."
Try it. “Leave it there the cat will get it.” An infinitely useful line.
From the same episode:
Bert’s wife to Alice, speaking of Ralph, "Isn’t he a treasure?"
Alice responds, "If he keeps this up he’ll be a buried treasure."
From another episode, Norton recites a saying among sewer workers:
When the tides of life are against you,
And the waves up set your boat.
Don’t waste your thoughts on what might have been,
Just lie on your back and float.
Same episode, Norton to Ralph after Ralph requests that he invest in one of his schemes:
"Last time you said I’d make money every time you turned around and, up to now, you ain’t exactly been no pinwheel."
My favorite Fred Sanford putdown of Aunt Esther was, "They ought to grind up your face and make gorilla cookies out of it."
And has any line from a TV show been repeated more than, "Citizen’s a-ray-est! Citizen’s a-ray-est!"
Me too. And from a few minutes earlier in the episode, Les Nessman’s voice describing the turkeyfall with “Oh, the humanity!” echoing the Hindenberg disaster.
And I also like Dr. Johnny Fever’s line about Herb Tarlick’s suit jacket "Somewhere in America, there’s a Volkswagon missing its seat cover."
Two lines from “All in the Family” that I will never forget:
Archie: "God is just waiting for all the fruits, nuts, and flakes to move to California so he can slide it into the ocean."
(I now live in CA, and it’s still here, so I must not be the last nut.)
And then, I can’t remember the entire line, but Archie refers to H’ors-Doeuvres as “Horse Doovers” – that one still gets me every time.
“Just the facts, ma’m”
-----DUM DE DUM DUM!!!--------
How’s THAT for OLD TV?
Speaking of MAS*H-----ANYTHING Colonel Flagg said. Nuff said.
Another vote here for JIM’S taxi-license test. A treasure.
WKRP has two of mine:
Venus: Jonny, I thought you were on the air.
John: I am the air!
Herb(?): and here we have a window, tornado… Tornado?!
The Honeymooners “Blabbermouth” Episode.
Alice has left Ralph for calling her mother a blabbermouth.
Ralph is using Norton’s machine to record an apology.
RALPH:
Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I’m sorry. I’m miserable without you. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn’t mean the things she says, Alice. It’s just her nature. She doesn’t mean to be mean. She’s just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn’t mean to get me mad. She’s just naturally mean, that’s all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn’t’ve got mad at that. I should’ve expected it from her. I know how she is. She’s never gonna be any different, Alice! She’s gonna be the same old way, Alice! She’s a BLAH-BER-MOUTH, Alice! a BLAH-BER-MOUTH!
**
NORTON:
Wait! Hold the phone! Whattya crazy or somethin’! Whattya pourin’ out, your heart or your liver?
**
I laughed out loud just reading it here. This is the funniest single moment in tv history (for me).
From All in the Family
Archie’s trapped in the basement, drunk, and thinks the guy coming to rescue him is God coming to take him up to heaven. The rescuer turns out to be black.
Archie: "Ah, geez. Jefferson was right."
Edith is going through the ‘change of life’
Archie: "You got five minutes, now change!"
Still one of my favorite shows.
–sublight.
I can’t believe no one has come up with anything from “Night Court” yet. Glad to see I’ll be contributing significantly to this thread…
Situation: A Japanese industrialist keels over from a heart attack in Harry’s courtroom. Not wishing to be deemed responsible by Japanese authorities for his death, the crew ferries him around in a wheelchair…a motorized one, which a little kid hits the switch on while no one’s looking.
Harry: Bull, how could you lose a dead man?
Bull: He outsmarted me, sir.
Situation: A stray dog saved Harry’s life, so he brings it into work with him. Needless to say, it hadn’t been bathed in quite some time.
Harry: Okay, I realize he’s a little gamey…
Bull: Sir, a herd of wildebeest after a month-long trek across the Serengheti is “a little gamey.” That dog stinks.
I have one from Married…With Children, one of the only good lines that I love:
For whatever reason, horoscopes came up in the conversation.
Kelly: I’m an Aquarium!
Bud: And an empty one, too.
Plus, numerous ones from Get Smart.
Max: We have 40 CONTROL agents around this area. Would you believe thirty? An angry boy scout?
Maxwell Smart in that high pitched tone…
"Ah Ha! I should have known! The old [insert catchy phrase] trick!
When Max would say “…and loving it!”
When Max would say “Sorry about that Chief!”
A fellow-recently divorced friend of mine and I were discussing the pros and cons of the single life (its been 15 years) and we both had the exact same thought at the exact same time:
Hawkeye to Frank, in light of Frank being placed under house-arrest - “I can go out, I can go in. Out, in. In, out.” To get the full effect you have to do the little footwork that goes along with the gag.
My favorite line from the Beverly Hillbillies comes from an episode where Jethro is playing Robin Hood. Granny is out looking for him and decides to smoke some crawdads to get him to come to her. Two park rangers find her and ask her what she’s doing.
“Well, I’m going to smoke some crawdads. But, first, I’ve got to find a little pot.”
From Hawaii 5-0:
"Book 'em, Dano"
Steve McGarrett- A True American Badass 