I really like women. I like talking to em, laughing with them, and generally find it easier to have a good time if there are women around. Of course, this includes having sex, and as it happens, I’m reasonably successful on that front. (Yes, something of a modest sneak brag. No the thread isn’t here for that). However, almost all my success comes with women who are drawn to me rather than the other way round.
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With women I’m very attracted to on the other hand, except for a few, memorable , occasions, I usually strike out. My guess is I telegraph the attraction too openly, and the attempt to make something happen dooms me prematurely. It can’t help that when I’m around them or talking to them my brain seems to become less efficient and my already limited wit and self-confidence desert me. I think all of this just makes it so that they don’t reciprocate my attraction. Or at least that’s what I say to myself in the mirror every morning
So dopers - does this sound familiar, or am I the only one doomed to constantly be sought, and never seek?
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Disclaimer - Although written from the viewpoint of the heterosexual male(only one I’ve got), all are welcome to participate. Tips to overcome my attraction induced gaucheness would be even more welcome.
I have a phenomenal sense of humor. Girls claim they like this on many dating sites and bios online. They also like someone who listens. I am also a great listener. I am quite sure that a guy who is considered hot by a simple photo on Facebook will always get the phone number, but might not be funny or a good listener.
Girls I talk to will hug me, tell me how much they appreciate me and my demeanor/banter, and they always leave with someone else!!! Usually a guy I’ve seen in the men’s room who feels rubbing soap on their hands and running some water to rinse with is entirely too complicated for them.
However, “attractive” is a vague term, sorry to say. I like girls who are nerds, bookworms, social idiots that get dragged out to bars by friends against their better judgment. I have a HUUUUUUUGE crush on a girl who is just this; the type of girl who will jump into a water fountain at a shopping mall, quack like an insane duck then make squishy noises with her soaked Converse sneakers before she runs from a fat security guard. This girl is in her 30s, I’m 41. Does SHE have a boyfriend? Yep. Is he hot? Waaaay hotter than me, I suppose the chicks would say.
What’s attractive to me is who a girl IS, not acts like someone she wants to be. Problem is, it takes time to get to know girls (or guys), and you have to get to know them if you’re me.
If it’s just looks that grab you, I think it’s better to stick with cheap pickup lines and a few “small” lies (like adding a zero on the far end of your earnings). Hey, it works here in southern CA for most of the guys. :rolleyes:
Here’s a great link to a classic Pearls Before Swine comic. It’s a brain hitting on a girl. She’s less interested in the size of the hippocampus as opposed to the tricked out truck.
Maybe you’re doing fine but it is the women who are having trouble interacting with you, because you are so attractive? That is my preferred theory, no matter how delusional.
We have friends with a notable lovely daughter. When she was quite young - say, about four or five - she did some modeling for kids’ clothing ads. Very cute kid. It was funny to see how tongue tied five year old boys became around her. Hilarious to watch the immediate transformation from oblivious little boy to blathering idiot then back to oblivious little boy when they parted ways.
I think I’m in the distinct minority when I say that I’ve found less than 15-20 people genuinely attractive in my life. Extremely high standards of physical looks and intelligence combined with never being attracted to people +/- a few years of my age considerably narrow the pool of candidates. Never been attracted to money, much to the surprise/chagrin of friends.
I’ve found probably only 100 or so physically attractive (but then they opened their mouths and the attraction turned to repulsion) or I’ve heard a guy speak (articulate and intelligent) and then turned around to see a fat, balding blob.
But those 15-20 people, a few were gay, some were smokers and some were visiting where I lived permanently. The straight nonsmokers who resided in the same city, I dated!
So far, I think I’m the only straight lady to respond to this thread.
I do find myself a little hesitant and stuttery around very good-looking guys. Thing is, I don’t actually run into that many in my line of work - my line of work has lots and lots and lots of women.
But I don’t have trouble interacting with people that are only semi-goodlooking and yet I find attractive. It’s just the devastating good looks that have that effect on me.
Of course it’s easier to pick up a woman when she makes the first move towards you. As soon as you make the first move towards her, she goes from “oh I hope this guy likes me” self conscious mode to “do I really like this guy?” critical evaluation mode.
That’s really the trick. Make her think she’s making the first move on you.
How different are the women you’re attracted to compared to the women who are attracted to you? I realize this sounds kind of mean but I honestly intend it in the most helpful way possible - have you considered that you might not be realistic about who you’re pursuing?
A couple people have agreed with you that they’re more nervous doing the pursuing and that it’s easier when the other person makes the first move.
I agree with that, but I get the impression from your post that it’s more black and white than that. Am I wrong about that? Maybe I’m interpreting “usually strike out” too strongly.
It’s definitely easier to be pursued than to pursue but I think you should be about evenly successful with either. If women like you, but you’re unattracted to them, and none of the women you are attracted to are interested, it may be your expectations need adjusting.
Of course we can only guess at these situations based on the little bit of information we have, but your theory may very well be correct. Try to keep in mind she’s just one woman of many and if it works, it works. If it doesn’t, there’s always another. Putting too much pressure on the situation is often a sure way to give off a strange vibe. Also keep in mind that there could be any number of reasons it doesn’t work out. She might be involved with someone, she might not be looking for a dating match, etc. Good luck!
While most of your comment comes off rather bitter I’d like to focus on this part. Seriously? Lying to her simply because he likes the way she looks? Advice like this right here always makes me doubt the “But I’m a niiiiiiiiiiiiice guy, why doesn’t she like meeeeeeee?” threads around this joint. Maybe women are picking up your disdain for them when you attempt to chat them up? Also, adding thousands of dollars to your income is hardly a small lie. While your income is certainly none of her business I think it speaks volumes about how you see the opposite sex. Part of me wants to believe this is part of the “phenomenal” sense of humor you claim but it matches the flavor of the rest of your comment too closely for me to think that.
Also, you want a woman in her 30s who wants to jump around in fountains and be chased by security? Well, ok.
Until now! I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. Finding someone who catches my eye and then has the personality/way of thinking that draws me is rare and I’ve just never found myself wanting to “settle” for less. That’s not fair to me or to the guy. When I find someone who does have what I’m looking for I can’t say I have an issue with communicating with them and I think (for me) it’s because I definitely don’t attach too much importance to it. I don’t believe in love at first sight so it’s just a person to get to know. Nerves can only hurt your chances.
I haven’t feel nervous around a guy I find very attractive in a long, long time, maybe since freshman year of college. I think it’s a combination of what I find attractive shifting a lot, plus really just not giving a fuck. Oh, so you’re cute. Big fucking deal. So are half the people in this bar, and I honestly don’t care if you’re cute or not unless you’re awesome. And once I’ve discovered you’re awesomeness, we’ve been talking long enough that I feel comfortable around you. Or something. I know what I’m trying to say, but I’m not saying it right.
I think what it boils down to is a complete lack of nerves, as good looks alone, even if you’re just my type exactly, are not enough to make me go gaga over you. So even if you’re incredibly good looking, good for you. What else is new?
Amen to the above graph! You’re not around much either these days either. I am equally happy to see you.
Perhaps another thing to mention is that isn’t this all somehow related to ego and an accurate self-image? If either is out of balance, you’re statistically not going to be batting as well.
((As a side note, I see this with a family member: she’s very good looking for her age, has a well paying / prestigious job. About 20 pounds overweight, but they call that “slim” in Pittsburgh. She gets dates with equally qualified guys: handsome architects, attorneys, engineers, doctors. But come gametime, she wilts under the pressure.))
, occasions, I usually strike out. My guess is I telegraph the attraction too openly, and the attempt to make something happen dooms me prematurely. It can’t help that when I’m around them or talking to them my brain seems to become less efficient and my already limited wit and self-confidence desert me. I think all of this just makes it so that they don’t reciprocate my attraction. Or at least that’s what I say to myself in the mirror every morning 
