To Apologize or Not to Apologize

In My Humble Opinion
1

That is the question.

So I’ve been thinking about this girl I used to see a couple years ago and how bad I used to treat her. I never hit her or did anything particularly malicious. I was just really mean and called her a bunch of names and probably embarrassed her a couple times. I feel really bad about the whole situation now and I’m thinking about sending her a text to apologize.

It would go something like this:

“Hey Jane. Sometimes I think about you and I feel really bad about how I treated you. I said and did a lot of fucked up shit and you didn’t really deserve it. I guess I just really liked you and when it didn’t work out I got real angry and stupid. I know I can’t take it back but I just want you to know I’m really sorry.”

I’m just not sure if I should do it. I know theres no hope for reconciliation and it’s not like it really makes up for anything. I just feel like she deserves it and I’d like to get it off my chest. But then I think she probably doesn’t want to hear from me anyways.

So I’m conflicted. And I’d like a little insight and feedback. Thoughts on if I should say something or not? Even, if theres a better way to put it?

2

Cynic that I am, I suspect she will read any such message as an attempt to get in her pants. Let it go, move on and wish her well.

3

I think it might do her confidence a little good to confirm she wasn’t at fault in some things she was blamed for. So I’d say yes, send it.

But Do Not try and strike up a relationship with her again after your apology. Sounds like you really don’t deserve to be her friend and it would be wrong if the apology should be misinterpreted as you just trying to get a foot in the door.

It’s a good thing you’re trying to right a wrong, but then leave it at that.

4

Send it but reword or leave out the third sentence. Do not try to make excuses or rationalize your actions. Also, “I guess” is wishy-washy anyhow. Never use it.

5

I think it’s never too late to apologize.

I got an apology a few months back from a guy I dated over 20 years ago. Surprised the hell out of me because I thought I was the one who owed him an apology. It felt good to say I’m sorry back.

6

Yeah, for sure leave off the whole “I guess” sentence.

7

YES, you should do it. As Maggie said, leave off the “I guess” sentence.

8

Having received a similar message in the past, I would say it’s probably better not to send it, but if you do, *definitely *leave out the “I guess” sentence. It sounds like you’re trying to justify yourself. And I’d also take out the phrase, “and you didn’t really deserve it”, for a similar reason. To me, it implies that you think your actions would have been more reasonable if she had done something to deserve them. But the fact is, no one deserves to be treated badly. If they’re being a jerk to you then just break up with them; “an eye for an eye” is no way to run a relationship.

9

Short answer: Don’t send it; let it go.

Long answer: Generally, in society, we have this since that the whole apology/forgiveness thing requires that the two people interact. If you messed up, you have to apologize and they have to forgive you, then it’s done. It makes it easier, but I don’t think it’s really necessary. Really, one ought to be able to forgive someone whether or not they apologize and someone ought to be able to recognize their fault and apologize whether or not that person ultimately forgives them. As long as your part of it is sincere, does it really matter? That they cannot apologize or forgive gives them a burden.

For your part, you realize you messed up, and if it helps write out your apology do so, but it’s been a few years, so you just don’t need to send it to her. I could understand saying something to her if this were something more recent, but chances are she’s either forgiven you and moved on and will easily forgive you, and if she hasn’t and is still bitter about it, I doubt a short text will do anything but make her angry. I think it’s really unlikely she’s somewhere in the middle where some kind of dialog will make a real difference in her moving on. So, really, saying anything to her at this point is just dragging her back into your own issues with your past and it’s not really fair to her if she’s moved on, and if she hasn’t, it’s even worse to rip open those scars.

10

I think it could be a good idea. Just repeating some points others have made:

Make it clear you’re not looking for a reconciliation.

Admit you were wrong.

Say you’re sorry for what you did.

Don’t try to make excuses for what you did.

Don’t ask for forgiveness.

11

I agree with Little Nemo on all points.

BUT I would send it as an e-mail, if you know it, rather than a text. If you don’t know her e-mail address and can’t send a message through Facebook then go ahead and text. Do not expect a reply.

Having been the sender and recipient of such apologies, I personally found them to be healing.

12

And don’t expect forgiveness, or acceptance of the apology. If you do it, do it without a thought to getting a response that you like. You’re apologizing because you were wrong, and you want her to know that that’s what you think–period. if she continues to dislike you for what you did, that’s all right with you–you’re not apologizing as a favor or a service to her, you’re apologizing because what you did to her was wrong, and you want to acknowledge that.

13

I agree with all this. I think apologizing would be a nice thing to do so that both of you can have closure. Just don’t expect anything more from it than that.

14

Let me tell you a little story, ScottyMo. About 350 years ago, when I was still just a pupzilla, back in college, I dated this guy for about a year and a half. The last six months or so, I could see the writing on the wall: This was not for the long haul and would need to end. I tried breaking up with him, several times, in different ways. You name it, I tried that approach. It wouldn’t “take.” He couldn’t respect me enough to even accept a breakup from me (until he was good and damn ready to be broken up).

He lived several hours away from me and came down to my campus to visit one weekend. A guy friend stopped in and invited us to go see some Pink Floyd cover band that he’d seen the night before. My BF was tired and didn’t want to go. I wanted to go, so he said, “Eh, go with your friend, I’ll just chill out here for a while.” Cool. I tell him if he changes his mind, he knows where we’ll be, so he should come on out.

So I go out with my friend and end up getting hammered and making out with the guy in this bar. Imagine my horror when I look up over the dude’s shoulder and see my BF standing there, looking like someone just punched him in his nuts. :: face palm :: Realizing that I am a total jackass, I quickly explain to makeout dude that my BF just showed up and spotted us and I better go handle that business. He agrees, as our little makeout session was just harmless drunken fun and meant nothing much to either of us. He even walked me home to make sure I got there okay, and graciously refused to come in and invite confrontation. I found the boyfriend in my bed, cuddled up with my roommate, crying his eyes out. A slow, protracted, painful breakup ensues, but this time, it takes and we’re for realz, broken up. I was so relieved, I wasn’t even pissed off at my roommate for crawling into my bed with him to comfort him. They were both fully dressed, but still. That was a bit of a slap in the face, but I thought (and still think) I kinda had that one coming.

Twenty years later, I get this email from my nephew, who is by now 20 years old. He says “Aunt Dogzilla, some guy named [BF’s name] PM’d me on FB and wants to know if I’m your nephew and he wants your contact info. Do you know who this guy is and should I give it to him?” I’m thinking, “Oh shit, I am finally going to be called out for being a slimy cheating bitch.” So I tell my nephew if he can confirm that exBF still lives in a state 1,000 miles away from me, then sure, go ahead and give him my email address. (He also wanted to know how the hell my exBF knew who he was. I explained that, he was born while I was dating this guy, and he has a very unique, distinctive name. My name is like “Jane Doe,” so it would be easier to triangulate and find me through my nephew than directly, if you know my nephew’s very unusual name. It was a big deal at the time because my nephew was named after a car and this exBF was into cars, so he really liked that name and thought my sister was The Shit™ for naming her kid after a car.)

The very next day, I get a very long email from exBF. The very first line is, “I should have apologized to you a long time ago, and I’m so glad I tracked you down so I can, finally.” Turns out, he finally realized I’d been nice and kind and had tried a few times to break up with him the right way, and that he was so obtusely stubborn about always being right, he admitted he wouldn’t hear of it unless it was his idea. So he apologized to me for being a dick and for forcing me into acting like a skanky slut in order to demonstrate to him that it was over. And we’d even tried to be friends post-breakup, but he was a dick to me then. I put up with it because I’d felt so guilty that I let him catch me making out with someone else rather than put on my big girl panties and stand my ground on the whole “we should break up” thing.

I was shocked. Here I thought I’d been the asshole all along (and still think I behaved in an assholey way right there at the end) and would owe him a profuse apology, should we ever reconnect. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t 100% to blame for every damn thing and that he might eventually notice his dick moves and feel compelled to apologize to me.

So I say send it.

15

As others have said, take out the third sentence, also strike the phrase “you didn’t really deserved it,” it sounds like maybe she did deserve it a little bit. Also, drop the phrase “fucked up shit” and dont’ send it as a text, send is as an email and then move on with your life. Good for you for wanting to make it right.

16

First of all, send nothing unless you can honestly say your motives are 100% pure. If she decided to give you another chance, would you say “yes?” if so, don’t hit “send.”

If your motives are pure then your message has to be this: For many years I’ve owed you an apology. I was wrong to treat you the way I did, and I deeply regret it. I want to make sure you know that it was all me, and you deserve better than that. I apologize for the pain that I caused you.

Period. That’s all, nothing else.

17

Since you’re looking for advice, I’ll move this to our advice forum, IMHO (from MPSIMS).

18

I had one ex-boyfriend call me out of the blue a couple of years after-the-fact to apologize for treating me like shit. It was nice to hear that he not only recognized that his behavior was abominable but that he regretted it.

I ran into a guy at a party who I went to Jr. High and High School with, who used to torment me at the bus stop constantly. He apologized profusely and admitted that it was because he liked me and was too immature to know how to get my attention any other way. I appreciated that, too.

Send it. Say what’s in your heart, even if it includes the part that you didn’t think she’d like you so you acted like a jerk to get her attention because you’re an idiot.

Good luck! And let us know how it goes.

19

As for striking the third sentence, “fully own it” springs to mind. That sentence is you not owning it.

As for the “you didn’t really deserve it” phrase, if you leave it in, strike the word “really.” Otherwise it scans as though she sorta kinda deserved it.

20

I had a tormentor in high school. The guy was a jerk to me every day, and on many occasions threatened to beat me up.

He approached me in a bar a couple of years later. He apologized and said that he was high most of the time and really upset because his mother was dying at the time. (In fact I was hanging out with the mortician that worked on his mother.) He bought me a beer and all was well. I’m really glad that he did that.