This was on the recent PBS American Masters documentary about Johnny Carson:
A beautiful woman goes to her dentist for the first time in years. After
poking around in her mouth for awhile, he says, “I’m sorry, Mrs. Jones, but it
looks like you need to have a complete root canal.”
She winces and says, “Ugh, I think I’d rather have another baby.”
He says, “Well, OK, but I’m going to have to adjust the chair.”
Good Christmas joke:
An old man in Florida calls his son in New York and tells him he and his mother are getting a divorce after 45 years. “I can’t stand looking at her face anymore,” he tells him.
“Call your sister and tell her, I don’t want to listen to her trying to talk me out of it.”
In a panic the son calls his sister in Chicago, who promptly calls her father after hearing the news, telling him, “Don’t sign any papers, don’t talk a lawyer, wait for my brother and I to get down there and we can talk it over.”
Hanging up the phone with his daughter, the old man turns to his wife and says, “They’re coming down for Christmas and they’re paying for the flights.”
Guy walks into a barber shop, asks, “Bob Peters here?” Barber replies, “Nope. Just cut hair.”
(I heard that one the last time I was at the barber. You don’t get that kind of entertainment at a stylist.)
A cowboy walks into the town saloon and gets a drink. Aside from the bartender, he’s the only one in the place.
Cowboy asks the bartender, “Where’s everybody.”
Bartender replies, “They’re out to to watch the hangin’”
Cowboy says, “Who’s hangin’?”
Bartender says, “Brown Paper Pete.”
Cowboy shakes his head and says, “Brown Paper Pete?! What kind of name is that?”
“Well,” says the barman, “He always wears a brown paper hat, brown paper coat, paper pants, and paper shoes.”
“Weird,” says the Cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”
Bartender says, “Rustling.”
A small, well-dressed man enters a Belfast pub late one night. Everyone glowers at him, and a huge bruiser soon gets up, walks over to him and asks threateningly, “Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?”
“Why, neither,” the new guy says, sipping his beer. “I’m Jewish.”
The bruiser is a bit taken aback at first, but then he snarls, “Are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?”
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank.
One of them asks the other “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
You know how with a traffic light it’s green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop?
Well, with bananas it’s green means wait, yellow means go, and red means, “Where did you get that banana?”
God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the British prime minister, and the Israeli prime minister, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks.
The President goes on TV and says, “My fellow Americans, God has told me that the world will come to an end in just two weeks. Let us all pray, get our affairs in order, and bring the history of this great republic to a close with dignity and honor.”
The British leader goes on TV and says, “Although I’m frightfully sorry to tell you this, dear friends, it seems that we might be in for a spot of bother in a fortnight. Just a word to the wise, mind you.”
The Israeli prime minister goes on TV and says, “My fellow Israelis, I have wonderful news! We now know that we will never have to give up a single inch of our territory to the Palestinians again!”
A snotty woman is at a party. The only reason she is there is because she is the wife of the local bigwig. Nobody actually likes her.
Going on a tirade she notes how her first husband was a loser who she divorced. “He was an alchoholic who took 30 years but eventually drank himself to death after I left him”.
A fellow party goer replies " I don’t believe that"
Snotty woman “Its true!”
Fellow party goer " I still don’t believe it. Nobody can celebrate for 30 years straight!"
Two guys walk into a bar…
… third guy ducks.
“We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.” - Robert Wilensky
Tolkien joke:
An Honor Harrington joke, from astro here on the SDMB:
I had a tune go through my head recently: “Hi ho, hi ho, the hookers found some blow.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a lady?
If a politician says “Yes”, he means “Maybe”.
If he says “Maybe”, he means “No”.
And if he says “No”, he’s no politician.
If a lady says “No”, she means “Maybe”.
If she says “Maybe”, she means “Yes”.
And if she says “Yes”, she’s no lady.
And now this:
A (formerly) well-to-do gentleman finds himself in the unpleasant situation of explaining to his wife that he just blew the family fortune, gambling. He is telling her how they will need learn to live on a budget now.
“If you will just learn to make great meals,” he says, “we can fire the cook.”
She thinks about this a bit (not entirely happily), then suggests:
“And if you will just learn to make great love, we can fire the gardener.”
A couple I heard at work that broke me up. Both are better told than written down.
Joker : How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Me: I don’t know.
Joker (angrily) : You wouldn’t know man! You weren’t there!
and
Joker : How does every racist joke start?
Me: I don’t know.
Joker glances furtively over each shoulder.
The way I’ve always heard it as:
God appears in a cloud of glory to the President of the U.S., the Chinese Chairman*, and the Israeli prime minister, and tells each of them that the world will end in two weeks.
The Prez goes on TV and tells the people: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that THERE IS A GOD! and He has made himself known to me. The bad news is he’s destroying the world in two weeks.”
The chairman goes on TV and tells his people: “I have bad news and terrible news. The bad news is that God exists. The terrible news is that He is going to destroy the world in two weeks.”
The Israeli Prime Minister goes on TV and tells us: “I have good news and excellent news! The good news is that God exists. The excellent news is that we won’t have to worry about the Palestinian problem ever again…”
A cardinal rushes up to the Pope & exclaims, “Your Holiness, I have good news & bad news.”
The Pope asks, “What’s the good news?”
The cardinal replies, “Our Lord is on the phone & wants to speak to you!”
The Pope asks, “What’s the bad news?”
The cardinal replies, “He’s calling from Salt Lake City.”
A car pulls up to an auto-repair place and a penguin gets out. The penguin says to the auto mechanic, “Hey, there’s something wrong with my engine. Can you take a look at it?”
The mechanic says, “Yeah, sure, but it’ll take me an hour or two.”
The penguin sees a seafood restaurant across the street and says, “Okay, I’ll go get some lunch while I wait.” He waddles across the street and the mechanic gets to work.
An hour or so later, the penguin waddles back. The mechanic looks up at him and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin says, “That’s a pretty goddamned offensive thing to say! Why, I -” Then he looks down at himself and says, “Oh. No, that’s just tartar sauce.”
The Pope is caught in a bad car accident in the Popemobile, has a near-death experience and comes into the very presence of God. When the ER doctors, laboring heroically, bring him back to life and full consciousness, he sends for the top members of his Vatican staff. They gather around his hospital bedside and one asks, “What was it like, Your Holiness, to see God? Tell us about the Lord, please!”
The Pope says, “Well, She’s black, and She’s pissed.”
Q: How many pretentious hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It’s a really obscure number. You’ve probably never heard of it.
How did the pretentious hipster burn his mouth?
He ate pizza before it was cool.
A guy’s car breaks down way out in the country, and he goes to a nearby farmhouse for help. They phone the nearest garage for him, then insist that he join them for dinner while they wait for the mechanic to arrive. The meal’s delicious, but their visitor can’t help noticing a pig wandering the house like it was the family’s pet dog. Even stranger, the pig has a wooden leg.
Sitting down with the farmer in front of the fire after dinner, the guy finally just has to ask: what’s with the pig?
The farmer settles back and says: "Well, it’s quite a story. A couple of years back, a smouldering log fell out of the grate here in the middle of the night, and it set the whole house on fire. My wife and I were asleep, so we didn’t know anything about it, but that pig smelt smoke from way out in the yard, crashed through the window there and dragged our baby out through the flames by grabbing his romper suit in its teeth.
“Then it ran back through, the flames again, squealed at the foot of our bed till it woke us up, and led us both to safety through the burning house. My wife and I passed out from the smoke, but he stayed by our baby all night, fought off a bunch of wolves and revived us come morning by dragging a bucket of water back from the old well and spilling it on our faces. Saved all our lives.”
The visitor is stunned. “That’s amazing,” he says. “And I suppose the pig lost its leg as a result of his injuries that night?”
“Nope,” said the farmer, sucking his pipe. “Didn’t get a scratch. But you don’t eat a pig like that all at once …”