My Banana Bird Story

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I promised to tell this “Banana Bird Story” in a thread in “About This Message Board”. But it is really more appropriate in this forum.

OK. I will tell you the banana bird joke now. I don’t think it is something that will interest everyone and so I will put it in spoilers so as not to bother the people who don’t want to see it.

I must warn you however. It is quite a long story.

A few years after WW2, a wealthy American businessman went looking for investment opportunities in Europe and Asia (kind of like a carpetbagger after the Civil War).

He was told there were some good opportunites in the Marshall Islands. For those people who are more than just casually interested, here is a cite that explains about those islands in more detail:

Pacific Proving Grounds - Wikipedia

"The Pacific Proving Grounds was the name used to describe a number of sites in the Marshall Islands … "

Those islands were used to test some hydrogen bombs and as I remembr, the inhabitants were treated badly by the US govt. They were forced to move out of their homes while the tests were conducted and I’m not certain, but I believe a number of the natives became rather sick as a result of nuclear radiation.

Anyway, this businessman came to the Marshall Islands and spoke with the chief of one of the islands and while he was discussing investment opportunities, he was served some fruit including some bananas. These bananas were quite succulent and were easily at least twice the size of any other bananas he had ever eaten.

He expressed his great delight to the chief and asked why no one in the area had ever taken advantage of the growing opportunities for bananas. The chief explained that every time they tried to grow bananas and export them for profit, some of the local animals would come and eat most of the bananas and they were such pests that no one could ever find a way to harvest the fruit without having the banana birds (that is what they were called) come and swoop down and eat them all up.

After hearing this, the businessman snorted and told the chief that maybe none of the previous people could find a way to protect their crops but no American would ever allow any stupid birds to eat all their fuit without doing something about it. Americans knew how to kill those kinds of pests and protect their capital investments.

So, after a lot of banana liquer, the two men signed the necessary documents and the businessman bought the rights to grow bananas on 50 acres of prime growing land. He then brought down some equipment and workers and set about the task of planting a bunch banana trees and hiring some workers to protect the fruit of his labors and he then engaged in some further planning to harvest the crop and sell the results to people who enjoy bananas.

Then, about nine months time, the crop was ready to be harvested and shortly after the workers began to harvest the bananas, shur enough, a frock of banana birds came swooping in and swooped on down (I can’t find the past tense for “swooped”) and before they could shoot more than about a dozen birds, they ate almost all the fruit and left the businessman with nothing to show for his investment.

Well, as you can imagine, the American was just furious, absolutely livid. Just steaming mad as a matter of fact. He refused to allow a bunch of filthy foreign birds to eat up all his profits and so he arranged with the chief to sell him the rights to another 50 acres and …

Oh Damn! There’s someone at the door and I have to go deal with them. I will return soon and finish telling the rest of this story. Sorry.

2

And the Chief replied, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

3

Very sorry about that interruption. It was an emergency and I had to deal with it. But now I will now continue to tell you the rest of the story.

OK. So, after the terrible result of the first year, the businessman planted twice as many acres and hired extra workers and bought extra weapons and poisons - more than enough to kill all those damn birds. He was quite certain that he had enough workers and equipment to kill all those stupid birds this time.

Everything went according to plan and it looked like he was going to make a huge profit this second year which would more than compensate him for the disaster that befell him at the end of the first year.

This time he took some extra precautions and began harvesting the crap a few days earlier than he had done the previous year and sure enough … things actually went very well. He managed to harvest about one quarter of his entire crop. But, then, those dang birds came back and despite the workers coming out in force - each one armed with a shotgun - and shooting at all those filthy birds - just like a big old turkey shoot, they managed to just about break even on the year. However, unfortunately, he still failed to make a profit and he was just nearing his breaking point because he had invested a huge fortune in this project and he was damned if he was going to allow a bunch of filthy birds to get the better of him.

So, once again, he went back to the chief to see if there was any other way that he might be able to exterminate all of the flea-infested filthy birds. He asked the chief if the previous plantation owners had ever succeeded in defeating the birds and the chief told him about one season where the owners found a way to kill most of the birds and recoup a great deal of their investment.

After hearing about that season, the American returned back home to Texas (where everything is real big and real profitable) and he then contacted several other businessmen as well as several of his friends who were willing to take a risk in order to make a great big profit. They got together and discussed the issues for several days before they agreed on a plan to finally get rid of all those damned birds. They bought up rights to plant on many more acres and returned to the islands with even more poison and even more weapons (Texas style) in hand. They were quite certain they could eradicate all the birds for once and for all. It was their own idea of a “total solution” to their problem - a solution that would work for once and for all!

So, they tried to mix some DDT in with the soil in order to kill most of the birds who were attacking the crop. They planted many more acres and hired many more trained workers to help with the job. They were quite certain that after defeating those damn Nazis in WW2, they would never allow a bunch of stupid bords to get the better of them.

Well, once again they planted a whole lot of extra acres and they built a whole bunch of extra shacks (to act as blinds against the banana birds). In that way, they could hide from the birds and then, if they showed up, they could shoot them dead if any of them tried to attack the crop. Well, they then went ahead and planted their new (extra big Texas style) crop and waited until it was harvest time. Then, when it came time to reap the harvest, the birds seemed to know what the businessmen were up to and they brought a whole lot of extra birds with them and they deliberately starved themselves for a few days beforehand so that when it came time to havest the crop, the birds were all really hungry and they swooped on upon the crops and began to gobble up all the fruit that was there.

But, just as soon as the birds swooped on down, the businessmen and the workers took out their shotguns (which they had arranged to be specifically modified in order to kill banana birds) and they shot a great many of them dead on the spot. It was a real slaughter. But, they still were unable to kill enough to yield them a decent profit. A great many birds survived and the businessmen were very discouraged and figured it was time for them to just give up on the banana project and find another way to make their profits.

Shoot! I forgot I had a dental appointment this afternoon and I must go now to see the dentist. I’m very sorry. So dang sorry. I will return as soon as I can and finish the story later.

4

As knee-slapping hilarious as this shaggy dog story will undoubtedly ultimately be, I feel I must point out that the “technique” of delays due to unexpected appointments doesn’t really work in the message board context.

5

Quite Right.

I guess I’ll just give up on it then.

Thank you.

6

:(:frowning: God Bless Me Never. :(:frowning:

I was on the edge of my seat, Charlie.

7

But, but, but, but what about the banana birds???

8

They toil not, neither do they spin.

9

Bricker is the reason we can’t have nice things.

10

OK. I took so long to write this part that I lost track on what was happening in my kitchen and, as a result, I had a bit of an accident and had to attend to that.

But, I will now try to finish things up and I thank those of you who have been so patient and I hope there will be no further delays.

So, now we are coming up to the next year. I’m sure you all know how this goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.” This saying certainly does apply to this American businessman as well as all of his partners.

During the following year, the American businessman found a way to arrange for an armed guard to stand watch over the crop at all times. They even published advertisements in the New York Times as well as other prominent newspapers and magazines, telling their story and begging and pleading for help. As a result, a number of well-known experts from all over the world contacted them and they arranged to hire them to come and help protect their crap. Unfortunately, mixed in with the reputable experts, there were also a few quacks and the business people lost quite a bit of their money paying those quacks who promised to help them eradicate the birds, but in fact, they didn’t do anything useful at all and that was a terrible shame because as you might well guess, some of the worst quacks were the ones who managed to screw them out of most of their money. And, ain’t that jest always the way things go? Damn it all to Hell! A few of the businessmen wanted to advertise for some leading hunters to kill the quacks. But, cooler heads prevailed and they just took that loss and chalked it up to learning their lessons the hard way.

So, now we come to the following year. Until this time, the business people never made any profit at all. But they figured they were American business people and they sure knew about how to make a profit. So, they figured they were American business people after all, and they remained just as optimistic as ever and they bought the rights to even more crop lands and arranged to plant even more of the banana trees.

They found find one of the world’s leading experts on how to get rid of banana bird pests and all were hopeful they could now find a way to make their great profits. Unfortunately, despite all manner of new protections, when it became harvest time, once again, those fucking banana birds came swooping on down and gobbled up all their fruit and all their profits and then, they just flocked on off to some larger and lucrative crop lands leaving the Americans with a whole bunch of empty trees and a whole bunch of banana peels on the ground.

Banana peels make for great compost but when it comes time to make some fertilizer, they are completely useless. As a result, they had yet another wasted year and as you can imagine, most of the business people who had temporarily moved on down there were now just beside themselves with rage and there was just not enough room for all those people to share the space with themselves - what with them being besides themselves - if you know what I mean. If not, the reason is that it takes twice as much space for someone to exist beside themselves as it does for them to just exist solo.

Well, they decided to stick it out for just one more year and … Oh shit! You won’t believe this. But I was cooking up a big old pot of stew and it boiled over and made a huge mess in my kitchen and I must go and deal with this now. I’m so sorry. Really and truly, I am very sorry. I will return just as soon as I can and hopefully that will be sometime tomorrow. I apologize to everyone who has stuck this out with me and I sincerely hope to return and do the vrey best that I can. I just feel so embarrassed and I apologize to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

11

You know, I really could use some help here and I think I will ask Thelma Lou if she would be willing to lend me a hand.

From what I’ve seen, she has just the right temperment and intellect to handle this task. Besides which, I’m hoping that if she agrees, she will bring some of her virgins on down to help and then I could maybe test those virgins just to see if everything is on the level.

Don’t know to what I’m referring? Well, here it is:

12

That’s OK, I don’t.

13

If the fu shits, wear it

14

I think I know the punch line.

15

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange Crested Warbler.
Orange Crested Warbler who?
Orange Crested Warbler I didn’t say banana?

16

That’s what SHE said!

17

You know, there are 14 kleptomaniacs of grosmichels in archipelago forests (pacific deciduous).

18

Oh my! In truth, I never did know that.

What’s more, I could never top that. So, I think I best just fold up my little laptop and scurry on home.

But thanks ever so for your contribution.

19

That may be the case, but in this instance I wasn’t looking for this story to be one of those nice things.

Particularly if the original poster carried on with his plan.

As it appears he intends to do. :smack:

20

I’ve decided that far too few people here are interested in hearing the story in its traditional style.

So I will conclude by telling you that as you might expect, when you have a group of American men with an abundance of weapons, the end involves a wholesale slaughter of the birds as well as the natives.

There is a moral lesson to be gleaned from this story. But different people often take different lessons and I will leave it here so that you all can take your own conclusions to this story.

In the past, some people have quarreled about the nature of the story involving banana birds instead of banana brains. But I wouldn’t stoop to insult anyone in this forum by telling that part of the story.

Thank you all very much for participating insofar as you have and I’m sorry if I wasted anyone’s time.

I wish you all well.