…first banana says to the second, “maybe we should get in.” Second banana says, “I don’t know I think the waters cold.” Just then a turd floats by and says, “NO, get in! The waters great!” First banana looks at the second banana and says, “you believe that shit?”
Just remember, nobody MADE you read that.
:mad:
Off to wash out my eyes…if I could only do the same to my brain. That’s shameless, I respect that.
I like it!
Here’s one I was sent this morning:
A government employee sits in his office and, out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. “This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides and takes it home with him. While he’s polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for a ice cold beer right now!”
He gets his beer and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish, “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.”
Suddenly he is on an island, with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and final wish - “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”
And, POOF! he’s back in his government office.
Love it! Sending it to BrotherSun right now.
How about this:
A vulture walks on to an airplane carrying two dead rabbits. The stewardess says to him, “I’m sorry sir, but we only allow one carrion per passenger.”
BAHA! Just dumb enough for me today, I’m trying not to have to think.
Here is one:
A waiter walks over to a table of jewish mothers and asks “Was anything OK?”
hahahahaha!
well, jeez, as long as we were spouting dumb jokes!
Guy walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
Fast forward to the evening, the guy gets the Olympic Edition Condoms out of the nightstand. His wife raises her eyebrows:
A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.
The head guy points to the first drawing. “This indicates that these people were family orientated and held women in high esteem,” he says. “The donkey shows that they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even furthur proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”
The second archeologist shakes his head. “Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explains. “It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!”
Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer, were sent for. Darryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over.”
So the mortician rolled him over and Darryl looked and said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll 'im over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, “No, 'tain’t Bubba.”
The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”
“What?” exclaimed the mortician. “He had two assholes?”
"Yup, ever’one in town knew he had two assholes. Ever’ time we went to town, folks would all say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.”
[Howdy from Texas!]
Dolores Claiborne,
That made me laugh right out loud! It really did. I actually did NOT see that punchline coming at all.
Thanks! (Love your screen name, by the way)
Zette
How can you tell if your auto mechanic had sex last night?
One of his fingers is clean.
Well, good! I’m glad you liked it. (And thanks for the compliment on my screen name.)
What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven:
[li]All the police are British[/li]
[li]All the cooks are French[/li]
[li]All the mechanics are German[/li]
[li]All the accountants are Swiss[/li]
[li]And all of the lovers are Italian[/li]In Hell:
The Canadians started out with the finest intentions for their new country.
They wanted British law, French culture and American know-how.
What they ended up with is; American culture, French law and British know-how.
I think it’s safe to assume that I’ve managed to offend a substantial fraction of the world’s population with these two little gems.
::tips his hat and saunters off::
Hehe
-Two penguins wearing tuxedos were sitting in a tub full of rocks.
One said to the other: “Please pass the ketchup!”
-Once there was this girl who lived on a farm. There was one pig that she loved very much. One day it had babies and out comes a blue pig!! The girl became very fond of the blue pig. She stopped taking care of all her other pigs because she was taking care of the blue pig so much, but one day the blue pig disappeared and nobody could find the blue pig!!
Orion, hi, it’s Coldfire here. I’m good people.
But: WTF???
Heard a variant from a Canadian:
With their proximity and heritage, the Canadians were in a position to gain American ingenuity, French cuisine, and British culture. They ended up with French ingenuity, British cuisine, and American culture.
I feel stupid, but I don’t get it. Blue pig???
Q: What’s green and has four wheels?
A: A lawn mower (I lied about the wheels).
Same difference Coldfire, just get used to Orion’s wit.
Ah, OK
Q: What is green, and can kill you when it jumps on you?
A: A pool table!
That sort of thing?