Give 'em a million dollars!! I like that pool table joke alot.
So one day I was boarding a plane to Idaho and I go take my seat… and who would be sitting next to me but… THE BLUE PIG!!!
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by orion007 *
**Hehe
-Two penguins wearing tuxedos were sitting in a tub full of rocks.
One said to the other: “Please pass the ketchup!”**
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…and the other one said, “What do you think I am, a typewriter?”
(At least, that’s how we used to end it!)
irreverently yours,
Beth
Sigh. Can’t you people do any better than that?
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus, and announces that the octopus can play any instrument in the world. Everybody starts laughing at him, so he says, “I’ll bet fifty bucks that you can’t give my octopus an instrument he can’t play.”
A guy hands the octopus a guitar, and the octopus starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. So the guy forks over fifty bucks. Another guy hands the octopus a trumpet, and the octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So that guy forks over fifty bucks. A third guy hands the
octopus a set of bagpipes.
The octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then sets it down. The guy says, “Hah! Can’t you play it?”
The octopus says, “Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get those stupid plaid pajamas off, I’m gonna fuck it.”
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One sausage looks at the other sausage and says, “We’ve gotta get outta this frying pan!” The other sausage looks looks at the first sausage and screams, “AHHH! A talking sausage!!!”
-crispix is watching his roommate brush his teeth
If it takes one and a half chickens one and a half days to lay one and a half eggs, how long does it take a monkey with one wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
3 days, because ice cream dosen’t have bones.
A duck walks into a 7-11, he ask’s the cashier If he has any olives, the cashier says no, the duck goes away.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks the cashier if he has any olives, he says no and the duck goes away.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks the cashier if he has any olives, he says no and the duck goes away.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks the cashier if he has any olives. The cashier, fed up at this point SCREAMS at the duck, NO WE DO NOT HAVE ANY OLIVES, AND IF YOU ASK AGAIN< I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR! So the duck walks away.
The next day the duck comes back, asks the cahier if he has any nails. The cashier says NO! so the duck goes, Got any olives?
Two baby seals walk into a club
boom boom
WARNING WARNING: not for the easily offended!!
Why dont girls with yeast infections have sex?
Ever try and pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
Hmmm, I heard that as an “oral sex in the morning” joke.
–Tim
I giant mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here.”
And the mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a fun guy.”
I was in the check-out line at Wegman’s the other day, and I put twnety cans of tuna fish, a couple bags of doritos, and two boxes of Froot Loops on the conveyor belt. The cashier looks up and says, “Single, huh?”
I was amazed, and said, “How’d you know that?”
“'Cause you’re fucking ugly!”
LOL. I’m not sure why, but I laughed at this one harder than any of the others.
Q: What’s a baby harp seal’s favorite drink?
A: Canadian Club on the rocks.
The cruise lines now serve a Leon Klinghoffer cocktail.
Two shots and a splash of seawater.
– A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can have a free drink if he shows the bartender a good enough trick. The bartender agrees and the man takes a rat out of one coat pocket and a little piano out of another. He sets them down and the rat starts playing ragtime on the piano. The bartender is amazed and gives the man his free drink.
The man then asks if he can drink all night for free if he shows the bartender a better trick. The bartender, thinking nothing could be better than that agrees again. The man then produces a frog and a small microphone from another pocket and the frog starts singing doo-wop while the rat plays the piano.
This attracts the attention of an agent sitting next to the man and offers the man $1,000,000 for the frog and rat. The man turns him down. The agent persists and the man finally agrees to sell the frog for $50,000.
“Are you crazy?” asks the bartender. “You just gave up $1,000,000 for $50,000!!”
“Naw, that’s ok,” says the man. “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”
– A son sends his old father to a nursing home. The very first morning the old man wakes up there he has a raging hard-on. The 20-year-old nurse comes in and gives the old man a sponge bath. She notices the hard-on and gives the old man a blowjob. The old man is overjoyed and after he gets dressed, takes his walker and heads to the phones to call his son.
On the way, the walker slips and the man falls face down on the floor. Before he can get up, an orderly rushes over and has anal sex with with old man. The orderly finishes and runs off. The old man gets up, goes to the phone and calls his son.
“Son, you have to get me out of here right now!” he says.
“What’s the matter?” the son asks.
“Well this morning, I woke up with a hard-on and a nurse gave me head. On my way to call you, I fell and an orderly screwed me up the ass!”
“Well dad, you have to take the good with the bad you know,” replied the son.
“No, son, you don’t understand,” said the old man. “I get a hard-on once a month. I fall down two, three times a day!”
Three old guys are talking about what has happened to them as they’ve grown older. The first one says, “Geez, I just wish I could pee normally again. It always feels like I need to pee, but when I get to the bathroom, it’s just a dribble.”
The second old guy says, “That’s nothing. I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in years. I eat prunes like candy, swallow Ex-Lax by the bar, and drink Metamucil cocktails, and I’m still bound up like Fort Knox.”
The third guy says, “I wish I was in your shoes. Each morning about 8:00am, I pass water like a damn breaking, and I take a dump like mountains moving.”
The other guys ask what was wrong with that. The third guy says,
“I don’t wake up until ten.”
Can’t pass up such a fine opportunity to share my favorite stupid joke ever. Here goes:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, you know we’ve got a drink named after you?” The grasshopper says, “Really? You’ve got a drink named Steve?!”
AHAHAH HAHAHAH HAHAHAHAH AHAHA I kill me.
Thank you very much. I’ll be here all week.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Eight inches isn’t enough.
Celine Dion walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick!
Guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk guy intensely staring at something. Guy orders a beer and says, “What ya got?” Drunk guy says, “Don’t know. Looks like plastic feels like rubber.”
Guy says, “Let me see.” The drunk guy hands it to him. He rolls it around between his fingers and says, “Looks like plastic, feels like rubber. Where’d ya get it?”
Drunk guy says, “Out of my nose.”
Can’t figure out what made me remember that joke.:rolleyes:
A hippie gets on board a bus and sits next to a nun.
The hippie notices that the nun is quite attractive so he asks her if she would like to have sex with him.
The nun is a bit surprised but politely says that she has taken a vow of chastity and she can’t have sexual intercourse with anyone. With that she gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver who had overheard the exchange says to the hippie, “Hey, I know how you can have sex with that nun.”
The hippie says, “Really, how?”
“Well,” the bus driver goes, “every Tuesday night at exactly midnight, that nun gets off at that stop to go to the grave yard down the hill to pray. What you should do is put on some type of God mask, sprinkle glowing powder in your hair and tell her that you are God and command her to have sex with you.”
The hippie thinks about it and decides to give it a try.
Next Tuesday, a little bit before twelve, the hippie is wearing the mask and glowing powder and is waiting at the grave yard. Sure enough, at exactly midnight, the nun arrives.
The hippie leaps from his hiding place and says, “I am God and I command you to have sex with me!”
The nun is a bit startled but she agrees. She tells him though that because of her vow of chastity, it has to be anal sex. The hippie agrees and so they have sex.
Afterwards, the hippie is so elated that the stunt had worked, rips off the God mask, shakes off the glowing powder and says to the nun, “HA HA! I’m the hippie you met on the bus last week!”
And the nun rips off her mask and says, “April Fools! I’m the bus driver!”