Post Your Favorite Joke

Definately inspired by the post the punchline thread: Post a punchline - Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share - Straight Dope Message Board
Ill start off i guess.
You: say “knock knock”
Them: knock knock
You: whose there?
Them: ???

This is one I read today.

One guy meets a friend on the sidewalk wearing a bra.

He asks how long he’s been wearing it?

“Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Okay, that knock-knock joke came from American Werewolf, right? Wisthekiller? :slight_smile:


So this homeless guy wanders into a bar. His jeans are battered and his hair is long, and the maître d’ is looking hard at the gentleman before he calls the cops. The old guy asks can he use the restroom. The maître d’ says, “Piss and get out.”

The old hippie smiles, nods, and does his business, but before long is up on the bandstand playing beautiful music on the house piano. The maître d’ runs up to the bandstand and says, “What the fuck are you doing. I said piss and get out.”

The pianist replies, “That was exactly what I was playing. I can do requests.”

About this time the manager of the bar comes out and asks what this guy is doing at his piano. The hippie says, dude, I play piano. The bar manager says, “I’d shit my pants before I would ever let you play in here.”

The homeless man started playing better than he had before and the bar manager shed a tear at the song. The pianist said you asked for it, I played it. The manager said, “If you don’t announce the names of your songs, I will let you play here.”
A deal was made and many people traveled to see the best pianist in the town. In fact Bob, the pianist was amazed at how many people came to see him. As agreed he only played and said nothing of the song titles he played. When nature hit him, he retired to the men’s room. As he came out a man said to him, “Do you know you fly is undone and your cock is swinging about?”

Know it, I wrote the muthafucker.

SSG Schwartz

It is better in the telling. This is my version of the Aristocrats.

Let’s see…

I used to be a crystal-ball gazer, but I had to give it up…
Couldn’t see any future in it!

I tried working in an orange-juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn’t concentrate!

I got a job installing mufflers in cars.
The work was exhausting!

What do you get when you cross a penguin with a school teacher?
A formal education!

PSYCHIATRIST: Congratulations sir, you’re cured!!!
PATIENT: Some cure! Before I was Napolean! Now I’m nobody!

Sarge, (it is “Sarge”, right, is that okay to call you that?)

I always thought the punch was “No, but hum a few bars and I’ll fake it!”?

Great joke, though! :slight_smile:


Man goes to see his shrink.

He’s naked and covered in Saran Wrap.

Shrink says, “I can clearly see your nuts”.


That is why I made the joke my own. I have heard both versions, but I like the idea of the pianist writing the songs better.

SSG Schwartz

PS, I answer to Sarge if you call your country a… Oh, never mind, call me Schwartz

Schwartz it is, then, my friend! :wink:

One from my college days?

(Yeah, I know: “The 70’s? Quasi?” :wink:

“Do you smoke after making love?”

“I don’t know. I never look”

I just saw you are from Dallas, Georgia, and there is an Atlanta, Texas. I hope you understand Smokey and the Bandit. I just lost my mind thinking I could be backwards to the Burdettes.

SSG Schwartz

This one is old , but I still get a kick out of hearing it

A color sargeant major is walking down a line , inspecting troops on parade

The Smaj holds up his riding crop and points it a soldier in the ranks

Smaj: theres a piece of shit at the end of my stick private

Private: not my end Smaj


NP, Schwartz! I “got” it!

A Bum goes into a bar,he asks the bartender if he has a mouse that can play the piano if he can get a drink. The bar tender says"Yes", so the Bum takes out a tiny piano then a mouse and the mouse starts playing the piano, soon many people were coming in to hear the mouse.

The bartender then says to the Bum"I think you had enough drinks" So the Bum asks," If I have a flea that sings can you let me have another drink"? So the bartender lets the guy have another drink. The mouse is playing the piano, the flea is singing and now the bar is crowded to hear the mouse play the piano and the flea sing.

The bartender then comes over to the bum and says," If you will give me the mouse and flea, I will give you the whole bar…so the exchange is made; then the Bum starts crying, The bartender says," why are you crying, you now can have a drink when ever you want one". The bum says, I pride my self on being an honest man and I have cheated you". The bar tender says, " I am not cheated, I can make a lot of money with your mouse and flea and buy another bar". The bums says," Yes, I know, but you see that flea can’t sing, the mouse is a ventriloquist."

Two friends arrange to meet in the centre of London. One guy gets there on time but the other is very late. When asked why he was so late, his explanation was :-

“I was just about to get on the escalator in the Tube station and I saw the sign ‘dogs must be carried’. It took me half an hour to find a dog.”

How do you make a venetian blind?

Poke him in the eye with a sharp stick.

So Bob is sitting down in his favorite bar, having a drink, when this nun walks up to him. She starts lecturing him about the evils of drink, how it causes you to sin, ruins your life, rots your liver… Bob tries ignoring her for a while, but she shows no sign of stopping.
Exasperated, Bob says, “You’ve never had a drink in your life, have you, Sister?”
“Me? Of course not!”
“You don’t know what you’re missing. Look, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll buy you a drink and and you’ll see how you like it. If you still thinking alcohol is evil after having a beer, I’ll give up drinking for life, how’s that?”
“I’d take you up on your offer… but how would it look? Me, a nun, drinking a can of Bud?”
“All right, then… I’ll have the bartender pour the beer into a teacup. No one will know.”
The nun nods. “Okay, then.”
Bob goes up to the bartender. “One beer for me,” he drops his voice “And could you pour a can of beer into a teacup?”
The bartender says, “It’s not that nun again, is it?”

What’s a Polar bear?
It’s a Cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

“Wow!” the bartender comments, “that looks really uncomfortable!”

The pirate says, “Yarr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call a blood-sucking parasite affixed to your posterior?
A: Ass-tick.

Okay, I got nuttin’…except this:

A 32-year-old Haitian male walks into a bar.

He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, “My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can shit into a shotglass ten feet away.”

The bartender says, “Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?”

The Haitian says “Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it’s an ordinary duck.”

“You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork.”

“Of course.”

The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, “Either you’re the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you’re suffering from cerebral hemorrhage.”

The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, “I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to shit all over your bar and you’d laugh about it.”

The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of

A. Ceftriaxone
B. Erythromycin
C. Methicillin
D. Tetracycline
E. Vancomycin

Two guys are walking down the street and come across a dog enthusiastically licking its balls.

One guy says to the other, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”

The other responds, “Maybe you could, but you might want to pet him first.”

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

“You gonna eat that?”

What do a duck and a plum have in common?
They’re both purple. Except for the duck.