Two guys are walking down the street, bored and looking for something to do.
Problem is, they’re pretty broke - they only have a dollar each.
They past a drugstore, and one guy gets and idea. He says “give me your dollar” and goes into the store.
He come out a few minutes later carrying a bag. The other guy gets excited and asks what’s in the bag.
The first guys produces as box of Tampons with a flourish.
The second guy looks disgusted and says Tampons, what are we going to do with those?
The first guys says - “Wait, these are perfect - look on the side of the box!”
“It says - you can go waterskiing, camping, swimming, bike riding…”
A farmer was having problems with his sheep reproducing. None of them were getting pregnant. So he went to see the old crazy vet in town.
The vet told the farmer the only solution was for the farmer to load up all his sheep in his truck in the morning, drive them deep into the woods, spend all day fucking them himself, and bring them back to the farm at night.
The farmer thought it was strange but agreed asking “How will I know if it works?”
The vet replied “The next morning all the sheep will be lying down.”
So the next morning the farmer loaded up the sheep, drove into the woods, and spent all day fucking them. He was tired the next day but woke up, looked out the window and the sheep were all standing around.
So again he loaded up the sheep and spent a second day fucking them.
Woke up the next morning exhausted but still the sheep were standing.
So for a third time he loaded them in his truck, took them into the woods, and fucked them silly.
The next day he was too tired to get out of bed. He yelled to his wife to look out the window. “Are they lying down yet?”
“No.” She yelled back.
“Are they still standing around?” he asked.
“Nope.” She responded.
“Well, what are they doing?” he shouted.
“They’re all in your truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
This is a variant of the old Lewis Grizzard joke, about the University of Georgia mascot (a bulldog). The punchline in that version is “That dog’d bite you!” Said it a thick Gawja accent, of course.
Okay, my favorite:
A pretty young woman in a knee-length tight skirt is in the middle of a line of people waiting for the bus. She gets to the front of the line and tries to step up into the bus – a pretty high first step – but she can’t because her skirt is too tight.
She reaches behind herself and unzips her skirt zipper a bit and tries again. Still can’t get her leg up to get her foot on the step. She reaches behind herself and unzips some more; still no good.
She reaches back a third time: no good. She’s reaching behind herself for the fourth time when two big hands grasp her by the waist and set her up in the bus. She whirls around to face the big construction worker standing behind her.
“Excuse me!,” she says. “I don’t know you and you have no right to touch me so familiarly!”
“Well, pardon me, ma’am,” he replies, “But the third time you unzipped my fly, I figured we were friends.”
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
“What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
“That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”
One can only wish that a box of tampons was only $2. 
What did Barbra Streisand say when she lost her virginity?
Please be Yentl.
Two guys walked into a bar.
You’d have thought the second would have ducked.
A semi tanker full of water has a head-on collision with a semi tanker full of vinegar… DOUCHE!!!
What goes in hard and stiff but comes out soft and wet?
A stick of gum.
A couple more:
My dog had no nose.
How does he smell?
Awful!
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
The idea of having one favorite joke impresses me as somewhat curious.
Two men are at the beach. One of them says he is afraid to go in because of the sharks. The other man says, “Don’t worry, it’s safe. In fact, every year pigs kill more people than sharks”. The first guy replies “I didn’t know pigs could swim”.
A priest, a Rabbi and an Imam walk into a bar. The bartender says, “what is this, some kind of a joke?”
Forgive my language in advance.
A guy runs into his house and yells, “Pack your bags, honey! I just hit the lottery!”
“That’s wonderful, dear!” she yells back. “Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?”
“I don’t care,” he says. “Just get the fuck out!”
A man walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
“Honey,” he says, “I want you to meet the pig I’ve been sleeping with.”
“That’s not a pig, you moron! That’s a sheep!” she says.
“I wasn’t talking to you.”
Two guys are hunting in the woods. One of them goes to take a piss in some bushes and gets bit right on the dick by a rattlesnake. He starts freaking out and yelling for his friend. The other guy says, “don’t panic, I’ll call 911 and find out what to do.”
He calls 911 on his cell phine, explains the situation. They’re in a remote area, hours away from any kind of hospital or EMT, so the 911 operator patches him right through to a hopsital to see if a doctor can tell him what to do. The doctor comes on the line, and the guy says, “my buddy and I are out her hunting and he got bit by a rattlesnake, what do I do?”
The doctor says, “you have to suck out the venom or he’ll die.”
The guy says, “thanks, Doc,” and hangs up the phone,
The guy who was bitten is writhing on the ground in agony. His dick looks like a balloon animal. He says, “what did the doctor say?”
“Bad news, dude. He says you’re going to die.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eight of a beer. This process continues for some time until finally the exhasperated barkeep yells “Screw you, mathematicians! Here’s two beers!”
Two black guys were standing on a corner shooting the breeze. A third black guy comes up and starts saying,“Motherfucker, motherfucker, motherfucker, …”
The first two guys look at him like he’s crazy and one asks, “What the fuck are you doing?”
Third guy says, “Oh. I’m just catching up on the conversation.”
This joke was told to me and a few classmates by a white teacher in class. I remember thinking this one could be dangerous but I listened anyway. Two of us were black. We laughed the loudest.
On the theme of geek jokes, one I heard last night.
My new favourite sexual practice? A pi-some. It’s almost like a threesome, but it goes on forever…
In my case, it’s the one I laughed at uncontrollably when I first heard it, and kept laughing at its brilliance for quite a while afterward. So, it’s the one I remember and think of.
My favorite, always makes me laugh:
“Ask me if I’m a duck.”
“Are you a duck?”
“No.”
How do you speak lesbian?
It’s all in the tongue.