Great News for these financially challenged times! I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can’t afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow
The interrupt…
MOOO!
Did you hear about the cargo ship carrying blue paint that crashed into a cargo ship carrying red? All crew members were marooned.
Little Johnny finds a prositute and asks her if she has herpes.
“Get lost, brat!” the whore snaps back.
Little Johnny walks up to the next prostitute he sees and asks her the same question.
“Beat it, punk!” she sneers back.
Finally, Little Johnny finds one who is infected so he pays her to have sex with him.
After they do the deed, the prostitute says “I’m just a little curious, why did you want to have sex with me if you knew I had herpies?”
“Well,” says little Johnny. "When I get home, I’m going to screw the baby sitter, then my dad is going to take her home and screw her, then he’s going to come home and screw my mom, then the next morning when my dads at work, she’s going to screw the mailman, and he’s the son of a bitch who kicked my dog.
Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.
One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, “Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?”
“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” Lena replied.
Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, “Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?”
“Oh, no, Ole,” Lena said, “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”
Ole was a little taken back, but he didn’t say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.
“Oh, no, Ole,” Lena said, “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”
Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he’d struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.
“Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?”
“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” she replied.
Ole couldn’t believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the motel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the motel room.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. “Vat have I done, vat have I done?” Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. “Lena, I’ve got to ask you von thing.”
“Vot’s dat?” she said, sleepily.
“Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”
“The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don’t have to drink and smoke to have a good time.”
These two really have to go together to work:
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a zebra?
Giraffe zebra sin(theta)
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a tsetse fly?
Don’t be silly, you can’t cross a scaler with a vector.
A man walks into a pub in Scotland, sits down, and demands the strongest drink the bartender can fix him. After watching the man for a few moments and noticing that he looks pretty down, the bartender asks what’s bothering him.
“You know” the man begins in a thick brogue, "I’ve built every single fence in this town with me bare hands. But do they call me MacLean the fence-builder? Nooo.
And did ya know, sonny, that I’ve painted every single house in this town with no one but meself for company? But do they call me MacLean the house-painter? Nooo.
And furthermore, did ya know that I’ve repaired all the cars in this town at one time or another? But do they call me MacLean the auto mechanic? Noooo."
He gulped down the last of his drink, leaned in to the bartender, and said “But you fuck one goat…”
This works best spoken as you need to do the accent:
So I was at the Olympics and saw a bloke walking along carrying a massive stick.
“Hello”, I said, “are you a pole vaulter?”
“Nein”, he replies, “I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?”
Speaking of the Olympics, there were three <insert ethnic group of choice> who wanted to get into the Games. But the gatekeeper won’t let them in. “Sorry, fellows, you have to have a ticket, unless you’re on one of the teams.”
They walk away, dejected. Then the first guy sees a broken street sign. He grabs the support staff and runs back to the gate. “Look, I have to get in to join my team! Pole vaulting!” And he gets in.
Second guy goes & steals a hubcap and runs back to the gate. “I have to join my team! Discus thrower!” And he gets in.
Third guy can’t seem to find anything. Then he spies some barbed wire in a nearby construction site. He wraps himself up in it, and runs back to the gate. “And what event are YOU participating in?” asks the guard. “Fencing!”
A sixty year old man is having his regular checkup. The doctor compliments him on his health and physique, and tells him “You have the body of a man half your age! How old was your father when he died?”
The guy replies “Did I say he was dead? Dad is eighty-three, and he walks two miles every day, and swims twice a week at the university pool.”
The doctor says “That’s great. You obviously have good genes. How old was your grandfather when he died?”
Again the man says “Did I say he was dead? Gramps is one-hundred and five. He walks a mile every day, and does physical therapy at the YMCA pool. And to top it off, he’s getting married again next week!”
Amazed, the doctor exclaims “Why in the world would a man that old be getting married?”
“Did I say he wanted to get married?”
Q : Why must you firmly wrap your squirrels in duct tape?
A : So’s they don’t explode when you fuck 'em.
Old couple goes to see the doctor, old man says the trouble is his wife hasn’t been herself lately. After a battery of tests, the doctor tells him he has narrowed it down to either Altzheimer’s or AIDS.
“What should I do?” asks the old man.
Doc tells him, “Take youris wife for a nice long drive in the country. When you are several miles from home, kick her out of the car. And if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her!”
One of my previous all-time faves I think I told enough times to wear out the humor for me. Long, so I’ll try to edit:
English, French and Polish guys get captured by a tribe of cannibals. The captors inform them they will be eaten, but they get to choose their way of death in order to prove their bravery.
Englishman asks for a revolver, puts it to his temple, cries “Long live the queen” and blows his brains out. The tribe was so impressed with his bravery that they skinned him and made a canoe out of his skin so that his bravery would rub off on the warriors.
Frenchman asks for a sword, cries “Vive la France” and plunges it into his breast. The tribe was sufficiently impressed that they made a canoe out of him as well.
Polish guy asks for a fork. Tribe thinks it is a little wierd, but could be brave as well, so they give him a fork. Polish guy starts jabbing himself all over with the fork and says, “Ain’t making no canoe outta ME!”
Three guys marooned on savage-infested island, populated by natives with a crude but inexplicable command of pidgin English. They are hauled in front of the chief, who points to the first of the three and asks: “Death, or gozunga!? Choose!”
Having no clue, the first guys says “Well, rather not die, guess I’ll pick gozunga…”
The natives begin to cheer racously “Gozunga! Gozunga!”. They take the first guy, strip him down, tie him over a large tree trunk with his Nixon exposed, and proceed to take turns buggering him with great enthusiasm. When each has had his turn, the drag him to the hut where the other two are cringing in horror, and throw him inside to moan and whimper.
Next day, the second guy is dragged out to face the same question. “Death, or gozunga?” asks the chief. Guy thinks it over, thinks about the first guy who, though badly done by, is not actually dead, and he chooses gozunga. The process of general celebration and enthusiastic buggering is repeated, and he is dragged moaning to the same hut he was dragged from.
Next day, the third guy is dragged out, but proves to be made of sterner stuff, he is defiant and undaunted. Faced with the question, he stands tall, looks the chief right in the eye, juts out his chin and says “I’ll not be sacrificing my self-respect to a bunch of savages! I choose death, and do your worst!”
"OK, then! Death! Death, by gozunga!’
And the tribe celebrates, etc. etc…
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, “I’ll have a beer, and a mop.”
An intrepid adventurer gets captured by Island cannibals. He’s told that he’ll be stewed in the Island gumbo and eaten unless he can pass a test of his manhood. He is shown a table and two tents. The table holds ten skins of their extremely potent island spirit made from sugar cane. A real man can drink ten skins, they tell him.
The first tent contains a chained up tiger, a sort of tribal mascot, who has been suffering in agonizing pain from a rotten tooth, which no one in the tribe has been able to get close enough to try to remove. The second task is to remove the tooth.
The second tent contains a princess of the tribe – a raging nymphomaniac who no man has ever been able to satisfy. Sating her will be his third task. If he can pass all three tests, they will respect his manhood and set him free.
The adventurer strides to the table and confidently downs all ten skins of island moonshine. The natives are impressed. He grins a Crocodile Dundee grin at them and toddles unseadily into the tent with the tiger. A cataclysmic commotion shortly ensues, a riot of blood-chilling screaming and growling, and shaking tent walls. Blood and fur sprays from the entrance. It seems to go on for an eternity. An hour passes, then two, then finally, the commotion stops, the growling changes to purring and all is calm.
The adventurer staggers out of the tent, his clothes shredded with claw marks, his face and body scored with bloody scratches.
“Right then,” he says, “now where’s that bitch with the toothache?”
An Engish pilot is captured in the war when his plane goes down. He is badly injured. The Nazis realize they are going to have to take his left leg, when they tell the pilot he has one simple request: “please will you fly it over my country and drop it?” The German’s think and finally say “yes, ve cahn do dis fer you”
A couple weeks go by, the infection in his body is still raging, they now have to take his left arm. Again, he requests it be dropped over his homeland. Again, the German’s see no great reason not to honor his wishes.
As the month ends, they realize the pilot is probably not going to make it, as now the infection has caused them to amputate his right foot. Once again, the pilot shows no dread but simply requests the same treatment of the next appendage. This time however, the German glares at the pilot and yells “NO! Vee vill NOT do dis ahnymore! We theenk you are trying to escape!”
A fellow who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night, and of course, his car is weaving all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Favourite blonde joke:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handywoman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, "that’s not a Porch …
… it’s a Ferrari."
:eek:
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to hold the bulb, and four to get so drunk the room spins.
Here’s another very old one I read in the newspaper maybe 40 years ago, (yes, I was still a child :D), and it’s still my favorite joke. (And thanks to the miracle of the internet, I was able to find the original in just a few seconds, wowie!) …
In occupied France, during World II, an old lady, a young girl, an old woman, a middle-aged Frenchman and a German officer were seated in a train compartment. As the train entered a tunnel, a loud kiss was heard, then a resounding slap. When the train emerged into the light again, everyone was silent, but the German officer had a black eye. The old lady thought: “How virtuous of her! What a good example she sets for the other girls!” The young girl thought: “That’s funny–why on earth should the German try to kiss the old lady and not me?” The German thought: “That Frenchman is no fool. He steals a kiss and I get hit.” The middle-aged Frenchman thought: “I’m so clever. I kiss the back of my hand, hit the German, and no one suspects me.”